April 2012 Rockstar Mamas and Their Babies (better late than never) - Page 10

[AnnieA]

Blargh, had a huge post and my browser crashed! Let's try again.

All carseats are safe. Some have better "creature" features that make them easier to install, more comfortable to ride in, etc. But they are all safe. When I was looking for a seat for DD, I ruled out the Britax models because I wanted a convertible I could use from birth and historically, Britax models don't work from birth for most babies because their lowest harness setting is too high. So I got the Graco MyRide 65. I love it. It's comfy, easy to install and adjust and not too expensive. DD also uses the Cosco Scenera in DH's car. It isn't as comfortable and I wouldn't want her to have to ride in it for long periods.

Little ones in booster seats, either high back or backless...not a good idea. Kids should stay in a harnessed seat until they outgrow it and then move to a booster until they are ready for a seatbelt only. If a child fidgets while riding or falls asleep in the car, they should not be in a booster. The chance of them shifting and then not having the seatbelt on them properly is too great. I don't know any 2-4 yr old that doesn't fidget and shift in the car or fall asleep at least sometimes on trips. Usually around 5-7 years old, kids are mature enough to start using a booster.

We finally got DD's potty issues solved! Took prune juice to get things moving but she's relatively back to normal now. She even signed "eat" today! I think part of the problem was she ate a lot more processed food this weekend. She really enjoyed the Boca burger but that's one of those things where sometimes I think it would be better to just give her a hamburger made from quality ground beef rather than the over processed fake stuff, you know? Tough call.

[Baby_Cakes]

What about the Dr Praegers veggie burgers, Lauri? For us meat isn't an option, but if you wanted a patty that wasn't as processed, that's not a bad choice. Finn loves Boca burgers. We had then twice last week. I wonder if that's what backed him up, too??? Interesting!

I fed him regular prunes, and skipped all the puffs/Cheerios for a few days. He finally tonight had a firm but much easier poo. In fact I didn't even realize it until he was already asleep. Hate waking a sound asleep baby to change a poop diaper!!



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[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

What about the Dr Praegers veggie burgers, Lauri? For us meat isn't an option, but if you wanted a patty that wasn't as processed, that's not a bad choice. Finn loves Boca burgers. We had then twice last week. I wonder if that's what backed him up, too??? Interesting!
I fed him regular prunes, and skipped all the puffs/Cheerios for a few days. He finally tonight had a firm but much easier poo. In fact I didn't even realize it until he was already asleep. Hate waking a sound asleep baby to change a poop diaper!!
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I haven't tried the Dr. Praeger's burgers yet. We've only done the spinach bites. I'll have to check them out.

What kind of puffs do you have? I gave DD the Plum Organic ones in her easter basket and I tasted one the other day and they were awful! I felt like I could taste all the chemicals. I threw them out. She didn't like them either. She's been enjoying the Morning O's from Whole Foods.

[akind1]

I think I might move the MyRide to DH's car. It's kind of high, and my Scion is a little higher than your average car, but not as high as most SUVs, and I am short, and it's a little tricky getting DD in and out, especially if she's asleep. I found a Safety 1st seat I like,and that I like the price of, but need to see it in person to know if it'll be a good fit for my car - She's in my car the most, so I should have a *good* seat in there - as in comfortable, etc.

I think I must be PMS'ing. I am super emotional and not myself. (I am not normally very PMS prone) I have all but denied DH DTD the last few days, because it's late, I am exhausted, and I don't feel connected (partly because we haven't been DTD as often lately) Though I don't know really when to expect AF . . . I am on day 44. My first cycle back with DS was 60 days long. the next was 52, then 56, 55, then the cycle I got pregnant - would have been a 30 day cycle. UGH.

yay for babies pooping! We used the target brand puffs with DS. and the little fruits and freeze dried yogurt bites.

I am trying to enjoy my meat now, gearing up for Meatless in May. I feel like I need to do something, my weight is creeping back up.

[Baby_Cakes]

Oh the Plum ones I bought were gross.  They were like purple carrot or something crazy like that.  I like the sweet potato Up and Up brand one (target).  The banana one is too fake banana-y for me.  The apple Up and Up brand one is good too. I agree with you - if I don't like it or won't eat it, I won't give it to him.

Most of the time it's cheerios anyway.  But I like being able to throw the container of puffs in the diaper bag for errands.

If I O'ed when I think I did, AF should come within the next week or so.  I'm curious to see what happens!  Not excited, but curious, lol. 

DH and I have been having problems.    I won't go into it, but I don't know what is going on.  We are just on totally different pages right now.  Maybe it's a 7 year itch thing (14 years together next month), maybe it's sleep deprivation, maybe it's just...idk.  We fight and argue about different things.  He is much more concerned about getting his workout in or having sex.  I'm much more concerned about happy kids and getting sleep.  The problem lies in that he can't find any sympathy for my issues, and honestly I'm having trouble feeling sympathy for his issues. 

Another thing is that he comes across very bored and disengaged 99% of the time. 

Sighh.

[akind1]

What is it with disengaged men? Last night, for example, I went in to DH's office and said, the baby and I are going to lie down, I know he heard and understood, he gave baby kisses goodnight. NONETHELESS, when DS followed us to bed, and was all wriggly and crap, did he come in and get him? NOOOO he did not. finally, 15 minutes later, DS leaves on his own. If he had settled and went to sleep, or just to cuddle, it would be ok. But he wants to practically on the baby and constantly moving around, and she is soooo tired, she was out as soon as I put the nipple in her mouth, but kept waking up b/c DS was all over. - and then!! once both kids were in bed, we watched like 1/2 hour of TV (it was 11:30 and I was falling asleep on the couch) I said, I'm going to bed. and DH looked dissappointed - I know he wanted to have sex, as we are expecting my period any day, but I DO NOT care. Maybe it's just the PMS talking. but I'm tired and he has made no effort to be helpful or engage with me all freaking day.  OK. rant over. (that was fresh on my mind)

And the work thing . . . we are trying to find a balance. but it's hard, as we both feel our work should take priority.  UGH. I am just tired and overwhelmed by crap. I need the next 2 days off to recharge!

So, in other words, I have no words of advice right now, only commisseration. It is seven years for us in October.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by akind1 
and then!! once both kids were in bed, we watched like 1/2 hour of TV (it was 11:30 and I was falling asleep on the couch) I said, I'm going to bed. and DH looked dissappointed - I know he wanted to have sex, as we are expecting my period any day, but I DO NOT care. Maybe it's just the PMS talking. but I'm tired and he has made no effort to be helpful or engage with me all freaking day.  OK. rant over. (that was fresh on my mind)

That happens to me/us all the time.  The other night even, it was like 10 and he said he wanted to watch a movie.  I think there's an understanding we either watch TV/movie OR dtd, not one THEN the other (b/c then it'll be midnight or later, and oh hell no).  So the movie ends and he makes eyes at me and I'm like, "Are you crazy?"  in my head.  For exactly the same reasons you said - typical non-engaging DH all day, plus late at night!  Sorry, dude, no sympathy.

Interesting that you're coming up on the 7 too.  Hmm.

I mentioned the other day that something in the back of my mind was adopting some day.  And he completely rolled his eyes at me, blew me off and said, "Why don't you just open a daycare??"

That made me so mad.  Made me think maybe our future goals don't mesh.  

I have a feeling in my heart that if I do want more kids, it won't be with him.   I'm finally allowing myself to explore those feelings and honestly, it doesn't scare me to think about anymore.  Do you think it's a phase?  Normal even?  Idk!

[akind1]

Opening a day care is not the same thing! those are other people's babies. Now if he had suggesting maybe fostering vs. adopting, I could almost see that. though fostering is HARD. I don't think I have the heart for that. I did tell DH I would totally surrogate for someone if they asked me. I wouldn't do it through an agency, but would for a good friend or the right family member. I like pregnancy, and both of mine have been easy. I just know I am not done with pregnancy and babies yet, though I know DH has moments where he feels he is.

As for your feelings, if they are valid, you know, there's nothing wrong about that. I just worry about the logistics of a split - grandmas, cousins, etc. I feel so conflicted over holidays and things as it is, a split would just mean way more drama. and I hate drama. I also hate the idea of staying together for the kids. Kids need happy parents. All that said - I do love DH, and can't imagine having babies with anyone else. We just haven't had any good time to talk and hash things out, because, like, for example, yesterday - I was up at 6 to work, kids were up around 8 ish . . . he has to leave around 1 for work, and God knows I have a hard time getting any work done once he's gone and the kids are awake. And YET he decides before he leaves that he needs to make some phone calls to confirm client appointments I know it's stuff that does need to be done, but I NEED to work. I am bringing in the bulk of the $$ (I hate to bring that up) and carrying our insurance, etc, He needs to focus on the kids so I can focus on work. But he will go in the office, and I need him to be present with the kids - they do better if someone is interacting, or at least observing. And he will, if pressed, do this. I just hate that I have to press him.

What is it about 7 years?? I am just in a complaining mood today. I am glad to be in the office and have a break from all of it - but I do miss my babies.

[MarineWife]

I think it's normal to periodically question who you are married to and why. Any long-term relationship is going to have ups and downs. TBH, I always have the thought in the back of my mind that I might not spend the rest of my life with Sean. As it stands right now, I have been trying to figure out when the kids would be old enough that I could go back to work and still homeschool. I've thought a million times about leaving him. The thing that stops me every time is the idea of having to put the boys in school so that I could work. I also am not ready to completely give up on my family and marriage. It's kind of confusing. I don't want to leave him now but I like to know I can.

Having kids puts a big strain on a marriage relationship. What you guys are describing sounds very typical. Men don't like the loss of their freedom/independence or the loss of the attention of their wives. I think to a large extent it's a biological thing that they sort of cant' help. Historically, men didn't stay around much to help care for children. They were off hunting or fighting. They are not aware of the underlying causes of those feelings. That doesn't make it excusable today. Just a possible explanation.

Mothers historically had other women and children of various ages to help them care for all the young children and didn't need to rely on men for that as much. With our nuclear families that have broken the close knit extended family, we are left on our own to deal with the stresses of taking care of young children. I don't think there's any way to get that kind of support system back. It's time for men to start realizing that they are it now but it will take a lot of time and learning on their part.

I don't know that I have any good advice. The only thing I can think of is to be open and honest about your feelings with your dhes. Don't necessarily tell them that you are thinking of an end point. Tell them how you feel right now about the situation. I really don't know if that will help. I've always done that and it hasn't gotten me very far with Sean. He will do just about anything I ask him, like leave me alone to take a nap or go out or whatever, but only if I ask. Otherwise, I am always the default childcare person.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by akind1 

I also hate the idea of staying together for the kids.

I am conflicted about this. I do think that, for the most part, parents should stay together for the kids. Maybe it's because I come from a divorced family but I think that should be the absolute last resort. My mom has told me several times that she wishes she hadn't gotten divorced now that she's experienced the long term effects of it on us kids and she's the one who instigated the divorce. That was back when it was still kind of new and women, especially, were being told they could have everything and didn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. All the "experts" said the kids would be fine but no one really knew and it turned out kids of divorced families were not fine.

I think people take it too lightly. Ideally, the adults would find a way to work things out so that they could be happy again. They should do everything humanly possible to make that happen. They usually do not. The parents chose to marry each other. The parents chose to bring children into that union. Now it's the parents responsibility to keep that family together for the innocent children who had/have no choice at all costs. I think we need to do more as a society and community to help couples work through things so they can stay together and be happy. Right now the default answer is to just get divorced.

[akind1]

ITA divorce shoudl be a last resort - I am coming from the place of DH's parents chose to stay together, not actually work on anything, but just stayed in the same house rather than separate, and I think they would have both been happier separated, and possibly with different spouses - that kind of unhappiness permeates a home. Not to mention, the longer they live together, the less they like each other, and the less hard they try to spare feelings - There is a lot of  bitterness, anger, and disrespect in that house. That sort of "marriage" is a poor example for kids, and grandkids in this case.

Both of my parents were the children of divorce. In my mom's case, her bio dad was a loser, and she was raised with her half and step siblings by her stepdad, who really stepped up and was a great father. (who was my grandma's 3rd husband) My dad's mom married 2x. I think her first marriage was doomed from the start, really, and there is still a lot bitterness between them (well, as much as there can be when she is passed away, but still). As a result, my parents try very hard to remain committed and have a good relationship, and that has been a wonderful example, to me, growing up of how marriage *should* work. It's not perfect, but it is real, and good.

Divorce can be the best answer I think - but only if you truly can't make it work, or are unwilling to do so. Staying together is best if you are willing to work at it, and be honest. 

When my MIL brought up the idea of DH and I divorcing (over $$ issues) - 1) we were and are fine 2) we do still love each other and 3) divorce would exacerbate, not solve such issues. That's the big thing with divorce to me, is what would it change or solve? in most cases it only makes it worse.

[onetwoten]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 


I am conflicted about this. I do think that, for the most part, parents should stay together for the kids. Maybe it's because I come from a divorced family but I think that should be the absolute last resort. My mom has told me several times that she wishes she hadn't gotten divorced now that she's experienced the long term effects of it on us kids and she's the one who instigated the divorce. That was back when it was still kind of new and women, especially, were being told they could have everything and didn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. All the "experts" said the kids would be fine but no one really knew and it turned out kids of divorced families were not fine.

Now it's the parents responsibility to keep that family together for the innocent children who had/have no choice at all costs. I think we need to do more as a society and community to help couples work through things so they can stay together and be happy. Right now the default answer is to just get divorced.

Originally Posted by akind1 

ITA divorce shoudl be a last resort - I am coming from the place of DH's parents chose to stay together, not actually work on anything, but just stayed in the same house rather than separate, and I think they would have both been happier separated, and possibly with different spouses - that kind of unhappiness permeates a home. Not to mention, the longer they live together, the less they like each other, and the less hard they try to spare feelings - There is a lot of  bitterness, anger, and disrespect in that house. That sort of "marriage" is a poor example for kids, and grandkids in this case.

MW-- I have to disagree. I have two sides of the story-- my parents divorced when I was 8. I remember having a conversation with my father when I was in high school, we were fighting, and he said something to the effect of "I realize you haven't gotten over the fact that your mother and I divorced... etc etc etc" I laughed in his face, and asked him if he even remembered what it was like living with the two of them, and said that it was a relief when they finally divorced. And I still feel that way. Some people are not meant to be together, and you damage the children more by staying together. I really have a hard time finding any merit of staying together just for the kids. DH's parents did that. He's way more scarred than I am, and for years and years took it as fact that couples could only be happy for a few years, and then inevitably would fall out of love and spend the rest of their marriage just cohabitating and barely interacting unless forced. My mother pulled me aside one of the first times that Rob spent time with me at my mother and step fathers house, because she had noticed him reacting very weirdly to them being affectionate. He grew up in a home with such a terrible marriage that it was a completely foreign concept to him to see a husband and wife hug or kiss, or even talk together while making dinner. It took several years to convince him that marriage did not need to be like that. The "kids" (aged 22-37 now) still make jokes if they ever happen to catch the parents giving a quick hug or something-- because to them it's not normal behavior, it's a very weird occurance. That's sad. I think it can be very damaging to see your parents/a marriage that is so unhealthy. 

Now that's not to say that people should throw divorce around as 'no big deal'. It -is- a big deal. But I hate hearing people talk about staying together for the kids, or because the kids have no choice. But conversely-- they don't have the choice to say "no, I don't want to be in this unhappy home" either. They just have to live with the hostility, and the anger and lack of love. 

/end rant!

[Baby_Cakes]

Thanks for your thoughts, guys.

Divorce...yeah it's not an easy answer to a tough problem.  I think it makes the problem so much worse.  And I'm with you, MW.  I couldn't leave him now no matter what b/c there is NO WAY I'd put both my kids in full time daycare/school and go to work FT.  

It was the way he said it.  The way he said "open a daycare", kind of like -- get your fix that way.  It made me so mad.  Like I'm silly, or my wanting to adopt is silly.  I mean, I get that adoption isn't for everyone, but we both agreed the traumatic part for me is the pregnancy.

I get the sense he's "over it" -- like you're saying, mw.  He is over losing his freedom/independence and he has definitely lost attention from me.  The thing is I have no sympathy, like I was saying.  I kind of feel like saying "get over it, buddy," but that isn't going to help anyone or anything.

[MarineWife]

I think men, especially, can be very selfish when it comes to family and kids. Again, I don't think they really do it on purpose or are even aware of it. They just aren't as focused on kids the way women are, in general.

And, yeah, I agree that there are times when divorce is the best option for everyone but I really do think that it doesn't have to be for most if everyone would just try a little harder and get over their selfishness. It's a complicated issue. But, really, I don't see much difference in kids being in a home with unhappy married parents and kids having to deal with the unhappiness of divorce and all that entails. Whether a couple stays together unhappily or gets divorced, it still sends the message that people can't be happy together for very long. I've been a single parent, too, so I know from experience that it's not easier or better than trying to make a marriage work for the kids' sake.

[akind1]

I see a big difference - because one way or another, the marriage is a model for the kids as to how a relationship works - modeling a rotten relationship teaches nothing. (other than stay the heck away from rotten relationships) But if the parents, separately, find happiness elsewhere, and say, remarry and can raise the kids in separate, happier homes? I think that is not a bad thing - and possibly better. DH's grandmother married twice, 2 boys from her first marriage and 2 boys from the second. DH's dad is from the first, but all the boys were raised and took the name of the second husband. They don't have the best relationship either, TBH. But we've visited his bio grandpa (that's the one in Hubert we will see in July) who also remarried and had more kids. Their relationship is a beautiful thing, and even amongt his wife's serious illness, you can see they happiness and love in the household. I think DH's dad would have maybe turned out a bit differently as a husband and father had he grown up with that sort of marriage as a model. (FWIW - FIL is a fantastic grandpa. but he was disconnected as a father - partly because of his stepdad I think, and partly because MIL pushed him away from DH - part of that whole bitterness and anger thing - further evidence to my mind that staying together can be worse for the kids and splitting up)

i guess, all that to say, there isn't a one size fits all answer. We can only draw from our experience and those around us to make the best choices we can.

I am so tired. and I am tired of being tired.

[annie2186]

Divorce to me is such a foreign concept.

Being Catholic, I believe if I ever legally divorced I would still be *married* in the eyes of God so I would never re-marry or even date. I could if DH actually died, but I really don't think I would ever would get married again. 

Before I got married I already knew all this so it was a very heavy decision to me to get married (especially at such a young age). I remember waking up the day after I got married and I was just like "wow, I am MARRIED. Forever. AAAUUUGGHHHH"  For a few years I actually had dreams where I would find myself married to some random person and freak out because I was stuck forever and thinking "there has GOT to be a loophole to this situation!!" and wake up relieved to find I was married to DH. 

Personally I am GLAD I am Catholic and had to think so long and hard before I got married. It is a very big decision and I don't think people take it very seriously anymore. I have actually heard some of my siblings friends say "this is a good first marriage" or "I got married young so I can remarry again"  The people I am thinking of are on at least their second marriage. My SIL ex-husband (they have twin boys) was cheating on her and married the girl he was cheating with. Then they had a little boy and the new wife just left to NJ with him.........like, WTH? It's so sad to think that this is the society we live in and this is what marriage and family has come down to.

I came from a very happy home. Obviously no marriage is perfect, but my parents never really argued and there was no addictions or anything. So I really can't add to the whole "stay together for the kids or get divorced" but my instincts tell me that it depends heavily on the individuals. If DH and I fell out of love, but there were no addiction problems and we didn't argue, I would try my hardest to stay together for the kids. Going from home to home is really hard on kids I think.

Blah - being married is hard!

In other news, my kids are KICKING MY BUTT!!!!!!!! I am so in survival mode right now. Having two toddlers and a small kid is soooooooo much harder than having a kid, a toddler, and a baby.............add to that K is starting the pre-teen drama and mood swings. Yikes.

I am so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  

[annie2186]

Originally Posted by akind1 

I am so tired. and I am tired of being tired.

Yes, yes, yes YES! I am so tired and am sooooo tired of being tired!!!!

I do feel like *most* men are more disconnected than women when it comes to kids. I don't think they realize how much it kills our sex drive when we are so exhausted (and/or breastfeeding!!! dear lord!) Most of the time I just do it for him, but he realizes it has to be convenient for me at least. I am sure he wishes I was more into it, and/or initiated sometimes........but hey, I wish we did it once a month!!! LOL

I agree akind1 - I think how or when to end a marriage is very individualized. 
Also though, most of the time, second marriages also end in divorce. So getting a divorce and then re-marrying doesn't necessarily mean you are going to model a good marriage to your kids either.........ugh.

Can I go back and just be single?!?!?! 

[akind1]

Well, no, obv not (Hello both my grandmas! one married 3 times, the other married twice and divorced twice, although I am not sure why she divorced the 2nd husband - they loved each other until they died - separately - but still) but I do agree, sometimes two people just aren't right for each other. My only thought, if I were to leave, I better have a really, really, good reason, and be leaving whatever our situation is, to go into a better one. Otherwise, you might as well work with what you've got.

I know DH and I are fine, and so much of what I am feeling is coming from a hormonal place (gah. i never used toPMS so hard - or whatever this is) and it makes it even harder for me to deal with, because I hate being emotional, and I hate being this way for no logical reason. I can't help I was raised by Spock (LOL, not really, but I really try to be logical). I think I need ice cream tonight.

[Baby_Cakes]

I think too about what life will be like for me and DH after the kids are grown.  Are we going to even enjoy each others company then, or will all these years of disagreement and disinterest have built up resentment that is too much to get past?  We say we want to travel, and have time for each other, but the way he acts I don't really want to spend much time with him NOW.  When I think of having endless time with him...honestly I get aggravated.

Siggghhh.  

I hope it's a phase and we can either move past it, get thru it, grow from it -- and whatever happens, be happy with the outcome.  I don't think it's fair to stay together if we are both unhappy, just for the kids.  Especially if they are grown.  I don't think it's taking the union of marriage lightly, but we are only legally married b/c we aren't catholic.  Not to say I don't value marriage and what it is or what it means, but emotions aside, it's a contract.  Sounds heartless.  I know.  

If we are going to get thru this, we both need to TRY.  And sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to try, he just wants things to go back the way they were.

I don't though, not necessarily.  I love these kids and I love being a SAHM.  I love that his work allows me to do what I do.  I love all of that.  I just wish it didn't all come at the cost of him being upset or angry or both. 

Finn is trying so hard to crawl!  It's amazing to watch (but frustrating for him).  From sitting he can *almost* get to hands and knees, and he reaches and pulls and twists and tries -- but man, it's so cool.  He's the best!

I was wearing him in the Boba around town today getting lunch and coffee, and I got so many compliments.  I love that Boba.  I'm so glad I have it.  I'm thinking of selling my Storch.  What price do you think would be fair but not too cheap?  I was thinking like $40-$50?  Is that too high for a used wrap?  I have no idea.

[MarineWife]

I agree that a big part of the problem is that people take marriage too lightly. They don't really think or talk about what it means to be married and have kids. But it's also kind of easy to talk about all of that and have a vision of what it will be before you do it. It can end up being very different once you are in it. And, the longer two people are together, the more different it can become because people do change.

I think things can be hard in the middle when the kids are young and everything is so demanding but get better as the kids get older. Hopefully, a couple can find their way back to each other once the kids are grown. I don't see much point in staying married after that if everyone is still unhappy.

Wraps are pretty expensive but I don't know what's a reasonable price for a used one. Maybe look on a few sites to see how much others are going for.

I've been trying to figure out how much to price my woolies and diapers for. I listed a bunch for sale but nothing has sold. I don't know if my prices are too high or what.