Question about delusions and PPD

[Liviab]

Hi guys,

I was quite devastated and shock to find out that late into postpartum period I started to feel just terrible, when to see my doctor and was diagnosed with PPD, and i am talking meds for it....But as i was telling my doctor about all my thoughts and feelings i was not strong enough to tell him that at around the same time i started to experience depression and anxiety I had a dream of something that happened to me during childhood, someone tried to make me tough them in a sexual way but they guy was not successful as i ran away however i now have this very vivid memory of it and have a lot of fear and anxiety about it....but what is more scary is that now everytime i look at my beautiful daughter this comes up and i feel weird and when i touch my daughter i feel like i am touching her inappropriately eventhough i am not and would never and it causes me a lot of anxiety.....i almost think at time that if i was abused maybe i will become an abuser as well and it scares me and i start to have anxiety, become depressed, Am i experiencing a delusion here....i was afraid to tell the doctor because i worry what he might think of me....has anyone had delusions or weird thought when experiencing PPD or am i also now dealing with something in addition to PPD....please help

[Sarah Clarke]

Hi Liviab,

Many years ago I suffered from postpartum psychosis which is something that postpartum depression *can* turn into (most of the time it doesn't). It seems to be a very taboo subject. I had feelings about my daughter, for example: that she was possessed by the devil and she wanted to kill me. I was TERRIFIED of these thoughts and did everything I could to block them. Finally I plucked up the courage and told my doctor, her responce......she pretty much laughed at me, told me it was just depression and sent me on my way. For many years after that I suffered in silence as the psychosis went and came a couple of times. I am not a doctor/pyschiatrist or anything like that but in my opinion it sounds like you may have more than depression and I think you should find a doctor that you can trust and try and tell them what is going on incase these thoughts get worse. (They really snuck up on me). Not trying to scare you, you probably feel alone and as though no one will understand but please believe me when I say there are SOOOOO many people out there who have been in this situation, but for some reason people are too scared to talk about it.

[Katica]

Yes, I agree, you need to let your doctor know about what`s going on. They can help you. There is therapy/medication that can ease your symptoms.

I do however think that past abuse can affect us in weird ways. I have read that moms who have been abused/molested in childhood can be afraid of touching their babies for the same reasons you are. They think their touches are inappropriate when in fact that is not the case at all.

PPD can show itself in many ways. For me it was the constant fear of something terrible waiting to happen to our family. I`d lay awake at night terrified that our house would burn down or someone would break in. I was scared of taking my baby down the stairs for fear of dropping her. Afraid of every car passing by on the highway lest they run into us. Irrational fears are part of PPD.

[Liviab]

Hi Sarah and Katica, thank you so much for your responses, i am very scared, i don't understand what is happening to me, what happened in my childhood was sooo long a ago I had never thought about it before this, and i wasn't touched or anything but its so strange that is coming up so vivid now, I will tell my doctor, did you guys take any medication, did it help....

[Katica]

I didn`t take any medication though in hindsight I should have done something about my depression. I would`ve been able to enjoy the baby stage much more.

About the vivid memories: there is a LOT that we choose not to remember from our childhood. The fact that these feelings are coming back so powerfully means that you haven`t really dealt with those emotions/fears. Talking to a counselor may help you sort through those feelings.

[sweetpea333]

7 years ago I went through the same thing. I suffered from ocd and intrusive thoughts my whole life, shortly after my dd was born i went through hell with guilt and horrible sexual thoughts that almost killed me. Things got worse and worse until I realized that my constant confessions to others brought on more thoughts,  the only thing that made it better was letting the bad thought image go through one ear and out the other, giving it no  attention.  The more u analyze it and turn it around in your head the worse it gets trust me.  You don't have to be anyone u don't want to be, you are not a bad person, you will not act on your bad thoughts!