Judgements

[newmomlearning]

It's Easter weekend and I'm not traveling to take my kids to visit my Mom & extended family. 

Our last visit was tense.  My brother was rude to my 10 year-old daughter, and my sister blew-off plans we had made to take the kids to the museum.  My mom was fine, but the other "grown-ups" were obviously annoyed with me but wouldn't come straight-out and tell me their issues.

Honestly, I feel that my family members were pushing me away.

I can guess why.

I've been divorced for a little over a year.  I have financial troubles and it has been a really bumpy 2.5 years since I left my husband. 

On my last visit "home" I felt so judged.  Judged for having failed at Marriage and for having money problems in the worst economy in a generation. 

I did borrow money, to survive.  I do have an asset that I am trying to sell (a house) that will allow me to re-pay my debt to them.  I do have two jobs to make ends meet.  I do have two young children 5 and 10. 

I was hit by a perfect storm of a depressed, substance-abusing husband who's business failed... and he spiraled into someone unrecognizable, a down economy, a housing slump, young children requiring attention & care, and a career that'd been dormant for 10years. 

With all this, I was supposed to pull financial stability out of my a**???  This isn't a situation of my own choosing.  My husband had a breakdown.  I saw it coming & tried to get help.  But, I had to leave the marriage... he was so resistant to helping himself/helping us.

I am sad.  I feel alone.  I am trying very hard to re-build my Life and the future for my children.  I know I will get there.  I won't stop until I do.  But, I do feel alone in this. 

It hurts that they've judged me as being stupid or unworthy of their better treatment.  I am hurt, I am seeing them turn their backs on me. 

May they never know what it is like to fend for yourself and two children.  I feel a thousand years older than them. 

You know, the moment I finally realized that my husband was never going to be honest & be the father my kids needed or the husband I deserved.... it was over.  I couldn't depend on him to help me, or my kids, when I needed help.

I have that feeling again.  Something clicks inside and you know you're on your own & you go and do what you have to do.

[Shantimama]

Good for you to stay away from them. I hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend with your children!

[newmomlearning]

Shantimama,

Thank you.  Definitely trying to focus on the joy I have here.  Reached-out with an Easter greeting & my heart is hurting by the silence I've gotten in return.

Nice tidy lives.  I had one once, but I never shut-out anyone going through a rough patch.  I know this is temporary, this time of my Life.  I will never forget, though, that not only did I walk it alone...  there were some who couldn't even treat me with dignity.

I'm not religious in a traditional sense, but I do think of the walk Jesus made to the cross.  The walk he made to burden that was his alone to bear & along the way some people offered kindness.  Others scorn.

Somehow, it helps to know this.  And, maybe it is necessary to take up your burden and know it is yours alone.  Terrified as you are, maybe it is important to feel that alone-ness.  To not have false sense that there is anyone to help you.  Maybe that is what makes you strong.

Finding solace is this weekend in this song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I.

Sorry for the Ramblings.

Peace.

[zebra15]

Hugs-  I am in the same situation in some ways.  It seems every time I get my feet under me, I slip on something.  My son is 11 and stability is something I've had to fight for every day of his life.  I just don't have it right now and who knows when I will find it.  I am looked down upon by my parents and I am moving back 'home' next month, tail between my legs to try to rebuild as best I can.

I have submerged my DS and myself in the local homeschool culture up there and again get no emotional support from my family on that front either.

I do what I can and hope for the best.  I am fighting depression, PTSD and other health issues.  None of which I can share with family.  I feel 10 years older than I am.

I know how you feel. I said to myself that 2012 would be the 'year of change' and I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen.

Hugs

[FearThePenguin]

thank you for posting this. i have felt very alienated by how my family has treated me for a situation i have no control over. i thought my parents were the only ones wicked enough to treat me poorly-if for no other reason than because they Can,-knowing I have little choice to keep them out of my life when I need them to help me financially. it's sick. 

hope things turned out better for you this past holiday without those who would hold you down. 

 

[sren]

Yes, this has been one of the hardest things about the entire experience of my marriage breaking up.  I left because of DV, after having done everything possible to save the marriage from my end (for years!).  But when I finally called the police and made the necessary break, my close-knit family just seemed sickened and then disappeared.  It is hard not to feel judged and I struggle with judging back.  I am so angry with them!  On the other hand, I feel like it is very valuable information about them and now I don't feel the least bit bad for keeping my distance!

[newmomlearning]

Hi Fear the Penguin & Sren. 

Thank you!  I don't know what it is that makes people lord it over others.  I'm moving to a space where I will wish them luck, get beyond my need for approval/love, and be on my way to living life on my terms. 

Perhaps that is the purpose of this type of pain!