It's Easter weekend and I'm not traveling to take my kids to visit my Mom & extended family.
Our last visit was tense. My brother was rude to my 10 year-old daughter, and my sister blew-off plans we had made to take the kids to the museum. My mom was fine, but the other "grown-ups" were obviously annoyed with me but wouldn't come straight-out and tell me their issues.
Honestly, I feel that my family members were pushing me away.
I can guess why.
I've been divorced for a little over a year. I have financial troubles and it has been a really bumpy 2.5 years since I left my husband.
On my last visit "home" I felt so judged. Judged for having failed at Marriage and for having money problems in the worst economy in a generation.
I did borrow money, to survive. I do have an asset that I am trying to sell (a house) that will allow me to re-pay my debt to them. I do have two jobs to make ends meet. I do have two young children 5 and 10.
I was hit by a perfect storm of a depressed, substance-abusing husband who's business failed... and he spiraled into someone unrecognizable, a down economy, a housing slump, young children requiring attention & care, and a career that'd been dormant for 10years.
With all this, I was supposed to pull financial stability out of my a**??? This isn't a situation of my own choosing. My husband had a breakdown. I saw it coming & tried to get help. But, I had to leave the marriage... he was so resistant to helping himself/helping us.
I am sad. I feel alone. I am trying very hard to re-build my Life and the future for my children. I know I will get there. I won't stop until I do. But, I do feel alone in this.
It hurts that they've judged me as being stupid or unworthy of their better treatment. I am hurt, I am seeing them turn their backs on me.
May they never know what it is like to fend for yourself and two children. I feel a thousand years older than them.
You know, the moment I finally realized that my husband was never going to be honest & be the father my kids needed or the husband I deserved.... it was over. I couldn't depend on him to help me, or my kids, when I needed help.
I have that feeling again. Something clicks inside and you know you're on your own & you go and do what you have to do.