Multi time mamas anyone else have a difficult baby in the past and worried this time around? « Back to Group Discussions

[sosurreal09]

My DD was born fine but got vaccine injured at her 2 m/o appointment. I had no clue it was from the vax and we continued vaxing until she was 9 m/o. She is STILL recovering and she is 2.5 y/o.

The first year of her life was living hell. She cried 4-8hours a day, nursed every 30 mins, never slept, was in constant pain, had seizures, ALWAYS sick etc. This time we will not vax the new baby and are REALLY hoping to avoid anything close to what we went through with her.

Thankfully through attachment parenting and my never giving up on her she is very secure and attached independent child today. Happiest most social kid you could meet!

I can't help but fear another high needs baby. I know my DD was an extreme case b/c of her reactions but I do know regular high needs babies exist too. I juts feel like I NEED this baby to be laid back and easy going in order to heal from all my trauma with DD.

I literally still cry thinking about her first year of life. It was very traumatizing all around. To boot my whole family thinks it's b/c of how I parented her and not the vax...they already say I need to do things different b/c all DD did was cry all day. Yeah she cried all day it's a vax injury to develop that God awful high pitched absolute SCREAMING for HOURS a day.

Anyway just nervous about it all and wondering if anyone is on this road with me..

[Just1More]

I was terrified with pg#3.  #2 had been SO hard for SO long...I was still nervous to take just he and dd to the store when he was well over a year old.  He was SO hard. 

But, baby 3 was a dream.  She was, and is, still the most gentle and sweet little thing.  She would happily put herself to sleep before I could comfort her, refused to comfort anything, and only ate 10-15 min every 3-4 hours.  She wanted to be down to watch people, and rarely fussed.  I couldn't believe it.  I even told dh that I felt like I wasn't mothering her.  She was just so strangely easy. 

[Astraia]

Yeah, I'm scared of getting another one. DD was high needs, is still very sensitive and difficult. She cried constantly, nursed constantly, didn't sleep as a newborn- couldn't put her down, but you couldn't ever sit down while holding her. That first year was more nightmare than anything.

Then DS was born when she was 14 months old. He cried for the first two weeks solid and I almost had a melt down, but then things improved. He's much more mellow than his sister, but he was still a newborn and she was still.... well, herself.

Praying for a mellow kid this time around- like, super calm would be great!- but expecting it won't happen. As long as it's not a repeat of my first. I'm still asking myself if there was something I could have done differently- and if it happens again, we might look at osteopath, cranio-sacral therapy or something like that because I just don't think that's normal. Is it? God, I hope not.

[Kamiro]

Omg same here on dd3.

With my first it was crying 6-8 hours a day, refusing to breastfeed, cranky baby. never happy, took her 0-30 seconds to start screaming (red faced pissed off screams) etc...then when she was old enough to jump in the jumperoo (sorry just1) she seemed a little happier, but by the time she was crawling and walking - by 10 months old she got LOTS happier.

Dd1 was 11 months old when DD2 was born. I was afraid but dd2 was much mellower than Dd1. Much easier compared to Dd1.

By DD3 --- same exact story as yours. So gentle and sweet. Her babyhood just flew by. I still tell every one that DD3 is the kind of baby that people talk about and ooooh and awww over when they think of babies. She was just a little living doll. So easy.

With this one, I realize its a complete crap shoot. She could be easy peasy or she could be a banshee. I'm older, more mature and I realize if a child is a screamer and unhappy and I've done every thing I can do --- I have no problem putting baby down and walking away.

Originally Posted by Just1More 

I was terrified with pg#3.  #2 had been SO hard for SO long...I was still nervous to take just he and dd to the store when he was well over a year old.  He was SO hard. 

But, baby 3 was a dream.  She was, and is, still the most gentle and sweet little thing.  She would happily put herself to sleep before I could comfort her, refused to comfort anything, and only ate 10-15 min every 3-4 hours.  She wanted to be down to watch people, and rarely fussed.  I couldn't believe it.  I even told dh that I felt like I wasn't mothering her.  She was just so strangely easy. 

[cristeen]

Yup!  My little guy has always been just SOOO intense.  Not technically high needs, but everything he did he did intensely.  It's hard to know how much of the difficulty we had in the first month was his intensity and how much was the BFing problems we had though.  But even now at 2.5 yo he's still not STTN, and sleep is a precious commodity in this house, and he's autistic to boot, so we're dealing with daily therapy and all the stuff that goes with it.  I'm really dreading another difficult one - as joyful and wonderful as he is, I don't think I can handle another one that intense.  (None of this was helped by 18 mos of PPD though.)

I'm REALLY hoping this one is more mellow. 

[JynxGirl]

I had the polar opposite until about age 2. My daughter was abnormally quiet! To the point that when my best friend had her baby, I actually told her that something HAD to be wrong, because babies just do not cry that much... She was perfectly normal... my daughter was just eerily silent... all the time.

I'm worried that this baby will cry all the time and I won't know how to handle it.

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by Onemoreontheway 

Omg same here on dd3.

With my first it was crying 6-8 hours a day, refusing to breastfeed, cranky baby. never happy, took her 0-30 seconds to start screaming (red faced pissed off screams) etc...then when she was old enough to jump in the jumperoo (sorry just1) she seemed a little happier, but by the time she was crawling and walking - by 10 months old she got LOTS happier.

Dd1 was 11 months old when DD2 was born. I was afraid but dd2 was much mellower than Dd1. Much easier compared to Dd1.

By DD3 --- same exact story as yours. So gentle and sweet. Her babyhood just flew by. I still tell every one that DD3 is the kind of baby that people talk about and ooooh and awww over when they think of babies. She was just a little living doll. So easy.

With this one, I realize its a complete crap shoot. She could be easy peasy or she could be a banshee. I'm older, more mature and I realize if a child is a screamer and unhappy and I've done every thing I can do --- I have no problem putting baby down and walking away.

I don't get what you mean here you "grew up" and are totally fine leaving a baby to CIO now or do you mean if you need a few minute break? I definitely believe a high needs child should be nurtured when in distress no matter what is causing it. Responsive care has the ability to shape their whole lives IMO.

[Kamiro]

If I have a crying baby that no matter what I do I can't comfort/help/calm and its a constant thing (not a 'out of no where' kind of crying)--- yep, I have no problem putting babe down and walking away. Call it CIO if you like, but I call it keeping my sanity.

And  I wish I had been mature enough to know it with my first.

With my first I was so staunchly against doing that (I considered it CIO and likened it to abuse) that I had major depression issues and all around it was a very unhappy year for both of us. I think after my first every thing felt so much less 'urgent' and I came to the conclusion that since I had to divide my time between two kids - it would be silly of me to only pay all my attention to the one crying (when there is nothing I can do to fix it) and ignore the child who is being mellow. Hence, why I say I've grown up.

Not saying your situation sounds the same, my eldest is still a very emotional kinda gal and has no vaccine damage or other health issues. Her personality has just been the 'very hard to please' type for life and I love her uncoondtionally anyways ;)

Ignore typos. this kb is going out on me

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I don't get what you mean here you "grew up" and are totally fine leaving a baby to CIO now or do you mean if you need a few minute break? I definitely believe a high needs child should be nurtured when in distress no matter what is causing it. Responsive care has the ability to shape their whole lives IMO.

[sosurreal09]

Well DD was obviously my first and pretty much the majority of the day she cried for "no reason" so I just wore her, yes she still cried and cried but I could do things and know she was at least being "held" and skin to skin. I think if I end up with another HN baby I will do the same just wear him/her even if crying when fed changed etc.

I mean sure there were times I needed a few mins to go outside and breathe! Don't get me wrong but *I* would not leave a baby to cry longer than say 5 mins and would only do that if necessary for my sanity.

I did have PPD with DD so I do KWYM there...

[Kamiro]

Right, ita. Please don't mistake what I am saying. Sounds like we had a lot of the same situation with our first, and I think I did the best I could do with what I was given (just as you). But for Mama care (which is equally important...Really!) *I* could have handled my situation better and it would have been for the family benefit.

This is all hindsight, and my experience --- please don't take it as a judgment on your situation AT ALL. I know how hard it is to have a family that is not supportive of parenting out of the mainstream.

For me:

It was really a hellish year, and like I said before - until she could start being more mobile - she was not happy. You mentioned baby wearing - here is another area I think I have matured on...I had it in my head that to be a 'good mom' I had to baby wear every waking minute so I did (untl she was about 5 months old and the jumperoo like I mentioned earlier)...Now, because I was so set in my ways about being an AP mama by some set standard maybe dd1 just wanted to not be moving around all the time..See what I am saying? I totally missed the boat on what being an attached parent meant in some ways instead trying to check off on a checklist.

So when I say I've matured it is solely a *me* thing. By my second child I just did what was best and followed her cues and sometimes that meant stepping outside of the AP defined box. Second babe really enjoyed a swing for example.

ETA: If I wind up with another high needs kid, absolutely I will still baby wear because that is what fits in to our lifestyle the best anyways. Unless babe hates it and then I'll be sad. lol

If I need a break, I have no problem whatsoever putting her down and walking away. Getting a shower, getting food, getting air...all that.

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by Onemoreontheway 

...because I was so set in my ways about being an AP mama by some set standard maybe dd1 just wanted to not be moving around all the time..See what I am saying? I totally missed the boat on what being an attached parent meant in some ways instead trying to check off on a checklist..

So when I say I've matured it is solely a *me* thing. By my second child I just did what was best and followed her cues and sometimes that meant stepping outside of the AP defined box. Second babe really enjoyed a swing for example.

ETA: If I wind up with another high needs kid, absolutely I will still baby wear because that is what fits in to our lifestyle the best anyways. Unless babe hates it and then I'll be sad. lol

If I need a break, I have no problem whatsoever putting her down and walking away. Getting a shower, getting food, getting air...all that.

I love this, and think it's very insightful. It's why I get a little frustrated when I see new moms being given the party line about babywearing and cosleeping, when those things are not working. It took me four months with DS to realize that he did not like being worn while sleeping and did not like being touched while sleeping. Putting him in a swing and bouncy chair, and putting him to sleep in a crib created a magical transformation in both of our lives. To be told by many AP mamas that swings and cribs are "mother substitutes" rankles me. My son was clearly happier!

It also troubles me when I read the "Life with a Babe," "Family Bed" and breastfeeding threads and hear from desperate new mamas who literally cannot take a shower or go to the bathroom. They are usually advised to get a water sling, or try a back carry, or are just told that it will pass. Now, this is just my opinion, but I really think mamas need to put their babies down long enough to care for themselves. To me, there was nothing more wonderful than putting my son in his bouncy chair while I took a long, hot shower. It made me a happier mother! I felt like, in the long run, I was able to be more attentive and better attached to my son because I allowed myself to step away long enough to get a break. I remember something as simple as being able to put him in his carrier in the stroller, then talking a long, luxurious walk with him while he looked around and drifted off. We would look at each other, I did not have to hold him (I found constant babywearing to be exhausting), and we were together while I was able to rest my body and get a break. I makes me sad when I see women being told again and again on these boards that this is a bad parenting choice.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE babywearing and cosleeping and plan to try again with this baby. But like Onemoreontheway, this time I will be more willing to try a variety of approaches from the beginning. I honestly believe that there is no one right way to do things and that all babies are different.

[sosurreal09]

I'm no AP nazi!

I think some people are totally nuts about checklist stuff. To me AP is following instinct and responsive care. Yes I wore DD most of the day (b/c all the kid did was cry) but I also used a swing and a bouncy seat and any frickin thing that would calm her!

Heck I was just reading a post of FB about unlatching a SLEEPING baby and I said yeah when baby was asleep I unlatched her and a bunch of moms were like "I leave them latched they need to suck" etc etc and I was sitting here thinking they are bat$hit crazy! If my kid is sleeping I'm going to unlatch them and at least attempt some me time!

All of that and I still consider myself pretty "hardcore" AP and so would anyone else who knows me I am certain. I am very firmly for responsive care which means I am firmly against CIO but everything else can vary so much. Like I would rather a mom formula feed on demand than breastfeed on a schedule that made them not responsive to care...

Hope I explained it well enough it's been a long day!

[Astraia]

Sandy and Onemore- yes yes yes! As a first time mom with a difficult baby who would scream constantly and never let me get a shower or sleep WITHOUT her latched on (I can't even begin to explain how horrific that was, feeling chained to the bed by a SLEEPING BABY attached to my boob constantly, even thinking about it now makes me angry).

But I couldn't leave. I had such an incredibly hard time leaving her when she was crying because it wasn't he AP thing to do. I had done so much reading and researching and knew that leaving a baby to "CIO" was not OK with me, but I was going crazy. There were times that I hated her, where I was borderline doing somethign really really really bad (like hurting her) but I felt like I couldn't leave and when I did I felt so much guilt for leaving my crying baby that it was strangling.

Then I had my second kid and REALLY started going crazy and decided I need to give up on any preconceived ideas about AP and just do whatever worked so that I didn't spend most of my days crying and wishing I could jump off a bridge somewhere. If that meant leaving both kids wailing somewhere while I went downstairs and screamed like a banshee or threw dishes across the room (yep, definitely did that) then I did it. If it meant ignoring them and blasting music while I drank a cup of tea so I could go back in without killing them, then I did it. A lot of the time it meant staying in pajamas until noon and snuggling in bed all together or baking or painting or whatever. We always had good days and bad days, like everyone does. I just don't want people to think that I was depressed and out of control most of the time- I wasn't. I just had so many ideas of what I ought to be doing that I couldn't function any more, and the guilt would build until I exploded.

Some babies respond really really well to AP practices. Some don't. Sometimes you just need to go into survival mode.

[lightheartedmom]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I'm no AP nazi!
To me AP is following instinct and responsive care.

THIS.

DD1 was sort of moderately high needs. For the first year at least it seemed like she nursed almost non-stop all night, she would never sleep anywhere but in bed with me (and sometimes in her carseat through church, which was nice). She is almost 6 now and is still emotionally high-strung and needs lots of extra attention and understanding and sort of...massaging. I love her dearly and find her completely enchanting in many ways (she is so different from me!) but some days...she exhausts me.

My second, I was finally all set to just "own" co-sleeping and all that stuff...so we brought her home from the hospital and I set right to it...except, she wanted NOTHING to do with sleeping with me and DH. She wouldn't sleep at all in our bed! So finally out of sheer exhaustion, I put her in the pack n play/bassinet thing and we all got sleep. It was such a shock to me to find that AP dogma (and we all know it can turn into dogma sometimes ;-)) didn't apply universally to every child or work equally as well with each child.


My point is...and this is where I am totally on the same page with you onemoreontheway - at this stage in my life, I feel like *I* have matured as a mom to the point where I recognize that truly being an attached parent to my kids doesn't mean following a checklist about babywearing or nursing or co-sleeping or any of that stuff. It means being tuned into your child as the *individual* that they are from birth and recognizing what is working for them and what isn't...and changing your lifestyle accordingly (when needed). If so-called "attachment parenting" isn't making us more loving, more understanding and more tuned in with the individual needs of our very unique children (and hey, for that matter, maybe a little more loving and understanding of other parents and their individual parenting journey) and helping us adapt our lives appropriately - then to me it kind of falls flat as an ethic for parenting.

And I say this as a very dedicated fan of extended breastfeeding and baby wearing and even co-sleeping - when it works for mom (and dad! and siblings) and baby. :-)

I *am* nervous about how different this baby will be. DD1 was a challenge, DD2 was a pretty easy baby all things considered...I'm worried about things like PPD (which makes every little challenge of having a baby so much harder to deal with), colic and food issues, breastfeeding complications and mostly just...the crying baby who cannot be soothed. But we'll just never know until he or she arrives...so for now I'm just hoping for the best and trying to cultivate as much patience as possible.

[Just1More]

Hmmm....yes, and no.

I have a set of ideals that guide my choices.  I feel there are things that are good for all babies, even the ones that don't seem to like it at times. 

It is very important to me to hold my babies as much as possible, to touch them and to stimulate them, and to have them share in my life as much as possible.  If the standard suggestions aren't working, then I seek very much to figure out why, and to find other things to accomplish the same things.  For example, ds hated to be worn.  It was hot, and he didn't want cuddled.  He seemed almost claustraphobic.  But that didn't mean I just put him down on his own somewhere.  I would lay on the floor with him, and gently touch him and talk to him instead. 

Also, after having 3 fussy babies, I am certain that the really fussy ones have something wrong with them.  It may be a little something, or it may be a big something, but it's important to figure out the root of it, and help it the best you can.  Dd was, and is, still very emotionally sensitive AND does not process social situations well.  We've worked really hard to explain things to her now, but as an infant and toddler, she was very scared and confused often.  I could have put her to bed and let her cry it out, but I'm so thankful I didn't...because I know who she is now, and how traumatic that would have been for her.  Ds had belly trouble, and I'm thankful I didn't leave him until I figured it out.  Putting him in bed hurt him!  And, dd3 was so overtired and overstimulated...and had a lip tie I didn't know about and was hungry.  I could have left her, too, but it was much better for me to gentle all three of them through what their needs were.

I understand taking a break and recentering ourselves.  And, I believe, the point needs to remain that we are aware of our children and their personalities and needs.  But, I'm not okay with letting a baby cry alone in hysterics because I've had it.  I need to do some detective work, and figure out what needs to change instead of just shrugging and leaving them when I'm stressed out.  IMO.

[alittlesandy]

I don't think it's always black and white, or that putting the baby down means they will be hysterical. What happened with me was that once I figured out that my son preferred sleeping in his own space rather than next to me, I would put him down after nursing him and he would drift off, then sleep better at night. He still woke to nurse every two hours, and I would nurse him and then put him back to sleep, and he was happy. There was no crying involved at all. Whereas when we were bed sharing he would spend the time between feedings pushing on me, fussing, etc. Even now, as a three-year-old, he doesn't like sharing our bed. Same thing with babywearing. He loved riding in the ergo when he was awake, but did not sleep well in any carrier or sling and preferred to sleep either in the swing or stroller.

[Just1More]

This is what is important, imo, to discern. 

And, again, the essence of AP: To listen to your child's needs.

:)

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

I don't think it's always black and white, or that putting the baby down means they will be hysterical.
 

[Kamiro]

Yes, exactly! AP is listening to your childs needs. My babe was born in August - so if I would have tried *not* holding her maybe she wouldn't have been so grumpy too. LOL

I didn't mean to be all controversial with my post --- I was really trying to talk about my feelings and how I've changed through the years and why I realize having a high needs baby doesn't mean a sentence to depression. I am going to remember to take care of myself some this time. 

I have a tendency to self-neglect. lol

[JynxGirl]

DH and I were talking about parenting today, and he said the funniest thing about attachment parenting to me ever. (Keep in mind, DH has no kids of his "own" and has never been around babies. He was also raised in a stereotypical household with men's and women's chores...)

He said "From what I've seen, attachment parenting is taking everything you think you know about parenting and doing the opposite."

When I asked him to explain what he meant, he started with sleeping and carrying babies. He thought cribs, CIO and strollers were the only way to go. He'd never heard of  slings, co-sleeping and actually responding to your babies. Which I found kind of odd... his family is from Indonesia, where AP is sort of just what they do. Kids aren't coddled, but they're responded to, carried in salendangs (GORGEOUS SLINGS!!!!!) and almost everyone co-sleeps because a giant family bed just makes more sense..

I explained AP a bit better than I apparently had and talked him in to buying Dr. Sears' "A Baby Book". :)

Anyway, I thought you ladies might get a kick out of that :D