So I've done some research on "expressionless" and "emotionless" people and I can't come up with anything. Hopefully someone here reads and understands what I am about to describe- is this depression?
A whole host of depression runs in my family although I do NOT feel depressed nor have I ever been diagnosed after visiting specialists. That being said, I'm sure I had postpartum depression after my 1st child.
Anyway, my issue is that everyone I meet either thinks I'm mellow and on drugs (which I'm not- I only take the pill- nothing else). It bothers me because I get comments from my husbands side of the family like "wow, if she is excited about that then it must really be good".
Patients at work can yell at me and I won't show emotion (I thought that was the professional thing to do?) yet I get asked if I'm taking a sedative yet they get offended that I'm not reacting to them. In my mind I'm thinking "yeah whatever keep yelling you are the one looking like the fool" but my face says "ok"- so my mind reacts but I keep a poker face.
Only extremely happy events or life changes make me show true happiness- birth of my kids, skydiving, vacations, getting engaged, married, family visiting ect... The average little thing doesn't and I have to put on a show to really make "happiness" come across. For example, getting a gift or someone showing pictures of their new dog or me finding the perfect bunk beds for my kids is not "thrilling". For the gift- I'd smile and say thank you and maybe add that I can't wait to use it and buy xy or z, for the dog pic- I'd smile and say aww he is so cute and for the bunk beds, I'd be internally excited but I wouldn't show the sales guy that I'm desperate for it- I like to get my deals. Afterwards in the car, I'd say I can't wait to get it and we must stop at Lowe's for new paint.
It is like I am empty and can't feel sometimes. Sure some things are more exciting than others but I really have the "I don't care" kind of mindset and not much "impresses" me. I have to put on a show for my kids when they do well in school so they are encouraged but it isn't real to me. yes I'm proud but my face wouldn't show it on its own.
Now, if someone makes me angry, it is like a switch and everyone knows through my eyes that I am angry- there is NO hiding that expression. I'm not an angry kind of person but those incidents that trigger my anger truly show on my face.
Sometimes my sadness shows- my husband always says I have no empathy when we argue. I hide my sadness when I'm at work- I'd rather be on a beach. When my elderly parents leave to go back home (12 hrs away), I cry for about 20 min then I'm good to go. When my grandmother died, I showed no emotion. When my husband's best friend died, I showed no emotion but I sat with him and patted his back. When my first patient died and I had to do CPR, I was nervous and lost sleep for about a month but nothing else.
I do feel an emptiness that can never seem to be fulfilled. The only time I really felt "alive" is when I went skydiving and when a serious accident almost happened to my son. Perhaps I need adrenaline to make me feel alive or show emotion? Is it because I am depressed and need help? I was physically abused as a child but my sister is not like this... thoughts?