letting a baby cry is not the right thing, even to create independence. there are studies showing babies/children are far better off when their needs are met...they have more attentive parents.
that said, you do have to go potty and fix food for yourself. but you shouldn't let them cry just because, or to teach them anything,
The only time I really let my DD (dear daughter, as DS is Dear Son, DW dear wife, DH dear husband, etc) cry is when it's just frustration, she can't reach what she wants, get where she wants, etc - this sort of thing is good and helps her figure out how to problem solve and work on her gross and fine motor skills - it also fosters her independence.
Now, when she is really fussy, and she is alot of the time now, between working on all these mad skills, and teething, and everything else, babywearing is the only thing that calms her right down, and allows me to get things done. I also use baby holders like excersaucers and jumpers (not the door frame sort, the freestanding ones) but only as long as she will be happy in it.
You have to find what works for your family, and some of that is going to be trial and error. My son - who's 2.5 now - loved sleeping in his own space. My daughter does not. she wants to be near a body. And I am ok with that. I also don't really know if she has ever STTN or if she will until she gets her own space. I am pretty sure she gets a good long stretch of sleep, but since I don't look at the clock at night I don't know how long she goes between nursing sessions at night.
She is also a lot more vocally demanding than my son was; whether it's because she's #2, or because she's a girl, IDK, but it's kinda cute :)
whoops-all that was typed while i had a 6 month old crawling all over me, sorry for the typos! i gave up on capital letters 6 months ago lol
I absolutely agree that meeting a child's needs is of the utmost - I don't however, believe that every time a baby cries it is because the 'need' something. Babies cry because it is imperative to their lung development, and sometimes they really don't 'need' anything.
Actually that is not true. There is no evidence that babies need to cry to help their lung development. That is an old wive's tale.
Sometimes crying babies just need *you* or a hug, or a cuddle. And in some cases they do need to cry (I remember my daughter having frustration bouts where she just needed to get it out), but leaving them alone or ignoring it because you don't feel it is a worthy cause is not a good plan. Babies shouldn't have to "prove" they need something.
But sometimes what they need is just you...their desire to be held and with a loved one is just as strong as their need for food or a clean diaper.
I read an awesome blog post recently about parenting philosophies and how it seems as though the 'magic formula' is simply the fact that parents CARE! That being said, from my own experience, I chose a different method than many of these posts, and wanted my daughter to begin gaining her independence immediately - gradually, of course, but she did exit my body giving her a huge push of independence right there - so I stopped co-sleeping relatively early with her. Much of my philosophy was that I wanted to create a 'parenting philosophy' for myself that would work for a second and third child - and realistically, a second and third child need to be a bit more independent because they can't have your attention 100% all the time. I didn't ignore my daughter, but I wanted her to be ok by herself too - and she was, and is still. If you are wanting a child who is ok by themselves - I personally would suggest leaving them by themselves, and letting them cry (you're the parent - you know they're ok). I don't think either philosophy is 'wrong' here - it really just depends on what you are willing to do, and what you want to accomplish. Good luck!
Just a reminder that here on Mothering.com, we don't endorse leaving babies to cry alone and posts along those lines are not welcome here.
--Your friendly neighborhood mod
Sorry about that - I wasn't aware this website was only for a certain 'kind' of mother. I think I may not belong here... Please be careful, though - although I understand that Mothers have every reason to fiercely defend their own ways of mothering - there are MANY different ways of parenting, and even if you completely disagree with anothers' methods - be wary of assuming they are 'wrong' - they may just not be right for you. I am an extremely loving and attentive mother who's primary goal is to raise happy, independent, strong, caring and successful (in whatever they want to succeed at) human beings, and I don't really appreciate the judgement I feel from mothers who simply have another method of getting there. Look around you - there are a ton of good kids out there who come out of a thousand different ways of 'rearing', and there are always 'studies' on both sides of every coin - watch out for those, because most of them are not actually legitimate studies - they are funded by the groups that benefit from whatever opinion they're pushing - we just use them to support our own feelings. We are mothers, and we should stand together - I guarantee that every single mother will do something 'wrong' - and completely without knowing it - can we not stand together and choose instead to learn from each other and listen to each others' differing perspectives without judging? I don't feel threatened by a mother who disagrees with me, but I do feel hurt by mothers who seem to think I'm a 'bad mother' because I don't agree with them. It's simply not true. Were our parents 'bad parents' because they did many of the things we choose not to do today? You should possibly have a disclaimer before allowing people to join this forum saying that if you do not share our views - you are not welcome here - instead of allowing people to be bullied out of here, as I feel. As it turns out, I have no interest in being a part of a forum that tells people how they should think or feel - I believe in a freedom of personal choices, and I do everything I can to expose myself to others' perspectives and try to learn from them. I apologize if anything in any of my posts came across as judgmental, I simply wanted to voice my different view which I still believe is just as valid as anyone else's.
It's in the user agreement clear as day that Mothering doesn't support conversations about CIO.
Mothering specifically exists to support attachment parenting and natural parenting approaches. There are some boundaries for what that means at this particular website.
A good analogy might be that if there was a website that was especially to support vegetarians, they could refuse to allow discussions about the benefits of eating meat. If I wanted to join that site as a non-vegetarian, I could do so, and learn from the people there and share vegetarian recipes--only I wouldn't expect to talk about the benefits of meat eating. If I posted a recipe for my very beef pot roast, and then I was told that was not welcome, I would not protest that I was being judged/bullied.
I am not judging your parenting choices at all FWIW. Maybe you are even perfectly right. It's beside the point. I imagine that there are more than a few members here who would agree with you, but the understanding is that crying it out is a parenting tactic that will need to be talked about somewhere else.
And by the way, YOU are welcome, just not that conversation. Maybe there are other forum areas that you will find common ground with. If you are into attachment parenting and/or natural living then you may like a lot of other things here.
You're not alone. My 1st daughter is now 5 and VERY confident and assertive and independent (and affectionate). It took a while but listening and responding to her "neediness" has completely paid off. You baby might be reaching a milestone of increased awareness and the beginning of separation anxiety from mom. She sounds smart :) The benefit to them wanting you with them every minute is huge...the toddler years were very easy in that dd1 never strayed far from us, and since "we" were her "sleep aid", she could sleep anywhere when travelling as long as we were there! This is a very critical time in their life to develop TRUST and foster attachment. Crying it out, imho, is the last resort, not the first tool used!
If the not-napping is getting you too worn out such that it affects your overall happiness or spouse relationship, I'd also recommend the no-cry sleep solution....or simply just trying very hard on putting her down to nap while still awake but nearly asleep (so the last thing remembered is where she was when falling asleep), pick her up when she cries, put her down when calm/relaxed/sleepy, repeat, etc. until she falls asleep where you want her napping. This helps them learn that their sleeping spot is a safe and comfortable one. I was too exhausted to do this with my first, but it worked well with my second who is now 6 months (although I admit I usually nurse her to sleep as it works). With my first, I just did whatever worked (e.g. stroller naps, naps in the baby carrier, etc.). She never napped in her crib.
I would persist with the baby wearing....a little bit each day until she's used to it. Whatever carrier is comfortable for you. I've tried all kinds of carriers and every single time, they weren't well received...but with time and effort the baby settled in eventually. At one point I had dd1 napping in the framed backpack (around 7-10 months), then setting the pack down and putting my feet up while she slept. If it was too short a nap, when she first stirred, I would put her on my back again and walk around until she fell asleep again (I just did chores while she was falling asleep - actually got her bedroom painted while she was on my back).
So awesome to hear about dads caring about this stuff too!
It's in the user agreement clear as day that Mothering doesn't support conversations about CIO.
Yeah..it's a biggie here.
Much of my philosophy was that I wanted to create a 'parenting philosophy' for myself that would work for a second and third child - and realistically, a second and third child need to be a bit more independent because they can't have your attention 100% all the time.
I'll leave aside the fact that crying alone is not in agreement with Mothering's User Agreement.
You can't create a parenting philosophy that will work for a second and third child. Children are all different. What worked beautifully with one will not necessarily work with another. And, "independence" in an infant (which is, frankly, a nonsensical idea - infants are utterly dependent on their caregivers) is largely a matter of temperament. Some chlidren are simply more comfortable with entertaining themselves for extended periods of time than others. My youngest (who actually coslept the longest, breastfed the longesr, etc.) is much, much more prone to entertaining herself for long periods of time than any of my other children were at her age. My oldest (19) simply doesn't like to be alone. He's capable of it, and doesn't dislike his own company or anything. He's simply extremely extraverted, and gets a charge out of being around, and interacting with, groups of people all the time. My second child (dd1) likes to play alone at times, but needs people around her at other times...and she was very demanding as a baby...but she breastfed for a shorter time than either of her younger siblings and weaned herself overnight. She also transitioned out of our bed very easily, because she slept better by herself (the only of four children for whom this was the case). And, my third (ds2) coslept and breastfed for quite a while, but was the easiest baby ever. I wore him a lot, and he just slept and ate, and was in a good mood when he was awake. He's now, by far, my highest needs child, and wants attention 24/7, unless he's staring at some kind of screen. He's wildly demanding, on many levels...but also has special needs (the ped's initial diagnosis was ADD and ODD - my suspciions is high functioning autism/Asperger's). They're all completely different personalities, with different needs, in terms of attention.
Personally, I was like my youngest...happy to just sit and read, or doodle, or whatever. My mom breastfed for about six months (this was '68, so I'm grateful I got any breastmilk at all!), but never coslept at all. I was in a crib, in another room...although I know she did sometimes bed share after she brought me in for night feedings. My sister, who was raised exactly the same way, except that she had me doing things for her and spending time with her, hated being left alone to do her own thing. It's much more about temperament than anything else.
and there are always 'studies' on both sides of every coin - watch out for those, because most of them are not actually legitimate studies - they are funded by the groups that benefit from whatever opinion they're pushing -
I am curious as to what group would benefit from finding that cosleeping/bed sharing is healthier for babies? Crib manufacturers can benefit from studies that show these things aren't beneficial, but I can't think who has benefited from my babies sharing my bed, except me and my babies.
Sounds like she's just teething to me. Could this be it?
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