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Desperate for help - 5 year old will not go to school- inclredible tantrums and is in his room

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 

I am lost, beyond lost

 

my oldest just turned 5 in January- we moved to a new province in Feb and he is in kindergarten

 

he refuses to go :(

 

he was in French immersion and we put him into English class yesturday hoping that would be the change he needed.

 

I have let him stay home before ( for transition comfort) but now he just wants to stay home and play

 

I don't know what to do he is in his room until he decides to go to school :"(

post #2 of 15
Thread Starter 

well...i can't do it....i am a jellyfish...i cant bear to see my so unhappy - i let him out of his room - i called the school to see if he can still go to grade 1 in Sept - they said it would be ok as long as i contacted the teacher to ensure that i can bring him to the grade 1 level by sept

 

i wish that we had the finances for me to stay home...i am on mat leave until sept, so at least this is an option.

 

he was fine with school before we moved...maybe i should not have thrown him into french in the middle of the year...but he really wanted to try and the teacher said he caught up in 2 mos and even surpassed some of the others

 

ugh....now he is running around like a mad man and fighting with his 2 yr old sister ugh

 

need to nursw baby for nap

post #3 of 15
Thread Starter 

no school again today:(

 

 

post #4 of 15
.
Edited by ChitownTracy - 4/17/12 at 8:21am
post #5 of 15

Mama.. that's tough. You're gentler than I as I would probably make him go. I'm not sure what you can do. Are you able to go hang out with him at school?

post #6 of 15

when you are in a moment of not being angry, can he tell you why he doesn't want to go? If he could articulate what is bothering him (and you might have to ask some leading questions... does he think he's missing out on stuff at home? does he not like the french immersion- you already changed that) then you can change that? Maybe if he has a plan for something special you will do when you pick him up, he can look forward to that and know he's going to have some nice "mom" time later in the day?

 

Is it the going that is the problem (power struggle over getting out of the house- a HUGE problem for me and my son) or does it go on once he is there?  if its the morning process that is the main problem, then whatever you can do to make that easier? Get dressed before bed? Have a special snack waiting in the car (I do that with my son... not a bribe exactly but he gets his before-school-snack only after he walks out the door with his shoes, bag and jacket. Its a mini bagel with PB and jam, not so exciting but it seems to help some days).

 

I have to say, 5 in January seems young for starting grade 1 next fall, can he do kindy again? I have a fall boy and he is a year "behind" (actually not at his school, they are using an earlier cutoff) and though he is very smart his social/emotional development was such that I am now glad he is in first grade not second. He turned 7 in November.

 

Its so hard to manage three little ones day in, day out all on your own. And having him home for the rest of your mat leave is really only a good choice if it will be a positive thing for you both, not if it means months of battles at home...

post #7 of 15
Thread Starter 

Nicolian: thanks for responding! It feels pretty shitty coming here day after day to ZERO responses! I tried going with him last Friday to English K and he ran out of the school!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicolian View Post

Mama.. that's tough. You're gentler than I as I would probably make him go. I'm not sure what you can do. Are you able to go hang out with him at school?


Emmaegbert: I love your honesty and value your experience..

 

- I took a moment again this am - stepped back from my anger and frustration - and asked why - his response was that he was going to miss us too much. so i said i would come to class with him...he was suspicious , but i said we would find out if we could stay - dressed and off we went.

He is back in French (his choice) and the teacher said she preffered we leave so I told he that we had to go...he had a pained look on his face, but he did not get up from his desk...baby crying willfinish later

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by emmaegbert View Post

when you are in a moment of not being angry, can he tell you why he doesn't want to go? If he could articulate what is bothering him (and you might have to ask some leading questions... does he think he's missing out on stuff at home? does he not like the french immersion- you already changed that) then you can change that? Maybe if he has a plan for something special you will do when you pick him up, he can look forward to that and know he's going to have some nice "mom" time later in the day?

 

Is it the going that is the problem (power struggle over getting out of the house- a HUGE problem for me and my son) or does it go on once he is there?  if its the morning process that is the main problem, then whatever you can do to make that easier? Get dressed before bed? Have a special snack waiting in the car (I do that with my son... not a bribe exactly but he gets his before-school-snack only after he walks out the door with his shoes, bag and jacket. Its a mini bagel with PB and jam, not so exciting but it seems to help some days).

 

I have to say, 5 in January seems young for starting grade 1 next fall, can he do kindy again? I have a fall boy and he is a year "behind" (actually not at his school, they are using an earlier cutoff) and though he is very smart his social/emotional development was such that I am now glad he is in first grade not second. He turned 7 in November.

 

Its so hard to manage three little ones day in, day out all on your own. And having him home for the rest of your mat leave is really only a good choice if it will be a positive thing for you both, not if it means months of battles at home...



 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by emmaegbert View Post

when you are in a moment of not being angry, can he tell you why he doesn't want to go? If he could articulate what is bothering him (and you might have to ask some leading questions... does he think he's missing out on stuff at home? does he not like the french immersion- you already changed that) then you can change that? Maybe if he has a plan for something special you will do when you pick him up, he can look forward to that and know he's going to have some nice "mom" time later in the day?

 

Is it the going that is the problem (power struggle over getting out of the house- a HUGE problem for me and my son) or does it go on once he is there?  if its the morning process that is the main problem, then whatever you can do to make that easier? Get dressed before bed? Have a special snack waiting in the car (I do that with my son... not a bribe exactly but he gets his before-school-snack only after he walks out the door with his shoes, bag and jacket. Its a mini bagel with PB and jam, not so exciting but it seems to help some days).

 

I have to say, 5 in January seems young for starting grade 1 next fall, can he do kindy again? I have a fall boy and he is a year "behind" (actually not at his school, they are using an earlier cutoff) and though he is very smart his social/emotional development was such that I am now glad he is in first grade not second. He turned 7 in November.

 

Its so hard to manage three little ones day in, day out all on your own. And having him home for the rest of your mat leave is really only a good choice if it will be a positive thing for you both, not if it means months of battles at home...



 

post #8 of 15

Since he feels like he will miss you so much can he carry a picture of you guys in his pocket? I piece of cloth that smells like home? Something like that maybe? Sorry this is so hard Mama!

post #9 of 15
Thread Starter 

back- as for special time with mom...everything is about dad! now that weather is getting better - I might try a family outing to park afterschool?? 1 on 1 lego time...thanks for the tip

 

i get his clothes out night b4, but i might try getting dressed at night (good one to keep in my pocket)...hold on got to put baby in wrap...he wikll not stay asleep
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by emmaegbert View Post

when you are in a moment of not being angry, can he tell you why he doesn't want to go? If he could articulate what is bothering him (and you might have to ask some leading questions... does he think he's missing out on stuff at home? does he not like the french immersion- you already changed that) then you can change that? Maybe if he has a plan for something special you will do when you pick him up, he can look forward to that and know he's going to have some nice "mom" time later in the day?

 

Is it the going that is the problem (power struggle over getting out of the house- a HUGE problem for me and my son) or does it go on once he is there?  if its the morning process that is the main problem, then whatever you can do to make that easier? Get dressed before bed? Have a special snack waiting in the car (I do that with my son... not a bribe exactly but he gets his before-school-snack only after he walks out the door with his shoes, bag and jacket. Its a mini bagel with PB and jam, not so exciting but it seems to help some days).

 

I have to say, 5 in January seems young for starting grade 1 next fall, can he do kindy again? I have a fall boy and he is a year "behind" (actually not at his school, they are using an earlier cutoff) and though he is very smart his social/emotional development was such that I am now glad he is in first grade not second. He turned 7 in November.

 

Its so hard to manage three little ones day in, day out all on your own. And having him home for the rest of your mat leave is really only a good choice if it will be a positive thing for you both, not if it means months of battles at home...



 

post #10 of 15

I'll second the picture of the family in his pocket.

 

Does he know how to tell time?  My almost 4 year old had a similar aversion to a new all day pre-K - missed us too much.  He claimed everything 'took forever,' especially some specific activities that he didn't care for.  By figuring out the schedule, drawing it in pictures with the time beside it, addressing some of the problematic activities, and promising to pick him up no later than X, we were able after a week or so to get him comfortable enough that he trusted we would come back each day.

 

Also, it might be worth a conversation with the teacher.  Let her know that you think if you stay with him for a week (maybe decreasing the time every day), you can get him settled into the routine and that the alternative is pulling him out altogether.  She should work with you.

post #11 of 15

I don't have older kids, but when my sister and I were little my Mom would send us various things (like a picture in a locket of her, a little square of my sisters favorite blankie, etc) as comfort items because we missed her and home. It really helped! I still remember opening up my locket when I would miss her with her pic in one side and mine in the other, lol. Or for a boy could you do a flip open type watch with the pic in that or something? Good luck!

post #12 of 15

Also, while I wouldn't banish him to his room, there is something to making home life VERY boring if he stays home.  No TV, lots of quiet time for baby naps, etc during school hours.  If he complains, remind him that if he were at school he would be doing X right about now.

post #13 of 15

See.. I'm a jellyfish too.  I'd probably let him drop out of school.... LOL.. seriously  I'd regret it later, and it would be a bad choice, but I bet I would have.

 

(my kid is all grown up now, so I can say this with confidence that I was such a pushover...but, it worked out in the end)

post #14 of 15

Saoirse *hugs* That sucks big time, I am so sorry! I know a friend of mine is having the same issues with her 7 year old boy. They are from Scotland and they moved here in December of last year. She does manage to get him to school most days, but they are always late because he doesn't want to go, comes up with endless excuses why they have to go back inside, or back to the house halfway through the walk, and he cries most mornings when they have to leave. I think it's the change, and with you guys having moved I would guess the same thing. Everything he knew that was familiar, has changed. Who knows, maybe in his little 5 year old mind, one day he comes home from school and home has changed again and mommy isn't there. Or the house. Or his toys. Or whatever else tiny humans can come up with. Once the novelty of the move wears off, kids realize that everything is different, and stuff they were used to has changed. It's frightening, and they have no means to deal with it rationally. They can't sit you down and say:"So, about this move... I'm really worried, I feel out of my element and I don't know how to express that."

I think the picture in his pocket is a really great idea. And maybe things like putting a little note in his lunch pail. My girl had a tough time last year, and I put simple notes in hers that said:" I <3 U. XOXOX Mommy" Even though she couldn't really read yet, she knew enough to get that one. She said it helped her feel better.

Can he take a special kind of stuffed animal to school? Something tiny that can sit in his backpack and keep him company during the day? Or would the school have issues with that?

Just throwing out ideas here... It is so hard to see your child unhappy, and to feel helpless. Thinking of you and your little dude, hon... hang in there!

post #15 of 15

is he competitive at all?  my daughter is very competitive, and on the rare occasion that she didn't want to go to kindergarten for a day, i simply pointed out that, "it's fine, but if you miss a day, all the other kids are going to learn things that you will miss out on... and then they will be ahead of you the next time you go back." works for my kiddo, that was enough, she decided she was going.

 

just in case it helps...

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