deleted by OP
Edited by TzippityDoulah - 4/25/12 at 3:24pm
I would write her a lovely, compassionate letter detailing your concerns along with some short, related literature if you can find something. I would also contact the husband on the side and let her know or even give him a copy. She is lucky to have you and I hope she gets some help. It sounds terrible and you must be so worried.
She actually wrote me an email today telling me she wants nothing to do with me and for me not to contact her (I haven't so I dont know why she emailed that.). I didn't respond because I know she isn't dealing with reality. It hurts like hell but I'm trying to keep a clear head even though I am feeling so accused of things I never did. Whenever I do try to respond she says I am attacking her etc. She told a friend I verbally attacked her--which I never have and never would. She is having a serious break with reality. She isn't herself in any way at all.
I think it would be best if I didn't even try to contact her. Her husband is in denial and would never admit there is a problem. This is the fourth time he's seen her go through this and he refuses to step in. She lashes out at anyone who tries to help and he tends to be very scared of her outbursts (I've seen it myself).
The whole thing has become like walking in a mine field. No matter what I do or don't do it is wrong to her. She is a hard headed person in general and there would be no convincing her she has a problem. Another friend already tried and she is dead set that the only problem is me. I think she is just terrified to admit something is wrong and she keeps saying it's "just nesting". It's not. She has to know this isn't normal somewhere inside her... but I think it's buried too deeply to access it right now.
I have a feeling she will never talk to me again which I am trying to come to terms with, but my bigger worry is that she completely breaks down and her husband will not see the seriousness of it and nobody else will be there to help. (That was supposed to be my role--she asked me to be that person.) If God forbid it comes to this her husband will not call 911 or anything. He will just stand there terrified b/c that's how he is. This is the first time I have ever been this seriously concerned about anyone going into labour alone. She is not thinking clearly or rationally.
What is my responsibility? If something went wrong I would never forgive myself, but in reality I think there is little I can do.
Oh, my. I think you are right--there is little you can do. She is very directly stating her wishes. I know you must be so sad and worried for her and missing her to boot. Perhaps you could contact her DH and just let him know you are always available in the case of any need and that the door is open. I am so sorry for you and your friend.
Thank you. I think I just need someone to confirm there isn't anything else I can do so I don't feel second guess myself. How can I not care and worry even if she has "disowned" me and hurt me deeply. I love her and her anger towards me doesn't change that even though I realize she will likely always view me as the enemy b/c I don't think at least at this point in her life she is able to see anything as it truly is.
I will consider contacting her DH, but she controls all venues in her home (she has control issues) so I think that she will find out and view it as attacking her and come down even harder on me. Knowing them as well as I do I know he doesn't move unless she says jump. That's just how they are.
I'm devastated. *sigh*
If you know her doctor or midwife, you could alert them to her sudden and extreme change in behavior. I would also try the husband if you can reach him. This sounds serious. I'm sorry you and your friend are going through this.
Thanks. Her husband is in denial. He would never speak with me. Him and my husband were tight, but I'm pretty certain that my friend wont "allow" that relationship anymore. She is very controlling, unfortunately and she runs the show completely.
I contacted my old doula trained for years ago (she is not only well respected but has a lot of experience in all realms of doulaness) and I'm awaiting her advice on how to handle it in the correct professional manner. Despite our past friendship and extreme closeness, I can't rely on that as a avenue as she has completely closed me off in every manner. She views me as the enemy.
Not a doula but agree with contacting the midwife. Legally she can not say anything to you, but I think you would be okay just alerting her since the issues seem to occured outside your official doula role and were not presented to you as an issue of confidentialty. Beyond that you need to let her be or you could be facing legal issues for harrassment. It is too bad that her husband is in denial and has let this go on for so long without trying to get her some help. Sounds like she could really benefit from nutritional support and possibly medication and counseling.
I haven't replied to her email or anything. I have no intention. What could I possibly say? I mean she was completely ridiculous and it would be futile to argue with someone who isn't thinking right, so I haven't even attempted. *shrug* Plus emotionally, despite that I care for her, I don't need to be in the line of fire like that. I have my own feelings to think of.
Good luck. I can tell you are so concerned about her and that your hands are tied.
My mom, by the way, jettisoned me completely in my late teens. I learned that sometimes you have to respect another person's "no contact" wishes despite the pain it causes you. I also learned that there is a point when you realize you have tried as hard as you can and it is okay to stop trying
Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it. That is the conclusion I have come to. I have no intention of becoming more involved, but instead to step away--not just because she asked me, but also for my own sake. It just hit me like a ton of bricks so it's taken a while to think it through and figure out how to handle it. It feels surreal. My only concern (on my part) it the doula/professional duty which I am speaking with my doula trainer about tomorrow just to make sure I don't have a responsibility to alert someone. And if i do--who and how.
I will probably take this post down in a little while just b/c I don't want to sitting here in the rare and unlikely even she happened upon this website and saw it. Though I am being very vague and so forth, obviously she would know I was speaking about her. I don't have any wish to hurt/offend/anger her (no matter what she seems to think of me). I only wrote b/c I was worried.