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Mothering › Groups › June 2012 Birth Club › Discussions › Need reassurance about adding #2

Need reassurance about adding #2

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 

I am having such a hard time getting my head around the idea that we will soon be a two child family.  I was so excited for our first to come I could hardly wait.  This time around I'm feeling really hesitant, almost reluctant.  I'm sure that this is a normal feeling so I am trying to not dwell on it.  I know when this baby comes I will totally fall in love with him/her.

 

But at the moment, I'm feeling really jealous of my time with DD.  We have a really sweet close relationship.  I'm sad to think about having to share our time with another child.  And sad to think that my relationship with her will probably change with the new baby.

 

I'm concerned that I just won't have the time and energy to give as much to my daughter as I do now.  I also realize that having another child is going to be more healthy for her.  Having her parent's complete undivided attention can be a bit overwhelming for her, I think.  Having another child will bring more balance.  And I know that she is going to love being a sister.  In fact, that is the one thing that I am most excited about.  

 

I am trying to soak in these last few weeks with having an only child.  I know in my rational mind that it will be great and we will have even so much more love and joy, and that will outweigh the difficult things that come with a new baby.  But my emotional side is grieving a bit right now.  I also feel sad that I'm not as head over heals about this babe as I was with the first.   He/she is already getting a lot less attention than DD ever did in utero.  

 

It is odd to me that I feel this way since I have wanted another child so much. We tried for a while before conceiving this time.  The hard part is that I had just come to resolution that we were meant to be a single child family and I wasn't going to keep trying after that last cycle (the one we ended up conceiving on).  I was so sad at first to give up on having another, but then I felt that it really was the right thing for our family.  I had a deep sense of peace about it.  Then, bam!, I was pregnant.  I guess letting go of the grasping for another was what made it happen.  But then my feelings were really conflicted since I had really let that desire go.  It's been a bit of a roller coaster. 

 

But even with this personal history aside, this must be a really normal feeling.  I have a friend pregnant with #3 and she is also feeling something similar.  So, it may not even matter how many children you have, each one is going to change the balance.  

 

I would love to hear from other mamas who have been through this.  Did your connection to your first really change with the new one?  Did you find yourself missing the days when all of your attention and love was just for one?  Or does the new babe just rush into your heart so fully that you never look back?  

 

post #2 of 20

I was just having some similar feelings as my daughter was stroking my hair "helping" me sleep.  :)  There was an article in the last year or so of Mothering print magazine about adding a second child, but I unfortunately do not have the paper version anymore and I don't think it's available online.  I remember I thought it was very well done and really wish I could read it now!

post #3 of 20

I feel like you just wrote out everything that has been in my head for this one...crazy.  Already I've had sadness over how this pregnancy has changed things between DS and me-- my patience is horrible, I've had to force night-wean him, and all of the fun, crazy, active things we did together have been on hiatus.  I'm 31 weeks and just in the past week or so started to feel some kind of connection with this little one-- a relief for sure.  But I completely have moments of what-the-hell-was-I-thinking??  Sometimes I get all teary thinking *this will be the last such-and-such* as just the 3 of us. 

 

As hard as it is, I'm really thankful that I'm processing it all now.  I think you're right, that when our babies come along we'll be bowled over by the fact that we CAN love another child as much as the first... but maybe if I wasn't processing this stuff until after the baby is born I would feel more conflicted then. 

 

I don't know if these will help you as much as they've helped me-- but two things: I've started making a little baby book of this pregnancy for baby and it's helped me tune in a lot more; and a friend is doing a blessingway type party for DS-- such a cool idea-- She's inviting all of DS's friends to a playground party and they'll paint his belly while the moms paint mine and the kids will make bracelets to celebrate him becoming a big brother, and the moms can all talk about how adding another child was for them, etc...  I'm really looking forward to it for myself, but I also feel really grateful for DS... you know, a time we can celebrate him and acknowledge that this is going to be a huge change for him too.

 

I'm REALLY, REALLY happy you brought this up and I'm looking forward to hearing what other mamas have to say.

post #4 of 20

I was just about to start a similar thread to this one. :)

 

We're having #3 and although DD & DS are excited about their baby brother, and I know DS will enjoy having a baby in the house, I am the one having trouble.

 

I thought by now that I would be more connected to the baby, I've been buying things and have a nice baby folder that I made with all of the info I need for planning the 4th trimester and birth. I have a beautiful pregnancy journal, great midwives and my husband is supportive. So what's the deal?

 

One thing that has been difficult this time around this that the people who have been really supportive (certain family members) of my pregnancies just aren't this time. They don't seem to even notice (no "how are you doing"? "we're so excited!" emails, no special get-together planned, nada) this time. Maybe it is b/c none of them have 3? Anyway, even my closest relative doesn't ask much about this pregnancy (I see her almost every day) and made it clear early on that she thought it was poor timing (DH is finishing his grad degree next month). It just feels like such a let-down to me b/c our family is really big on celebrating.

 

I think this maybe is contributing to my ambivalence, but also our life has been like a crazy roller coaster this pregnancy and maybe that is too.

 

Adding another baby to the family brings out different emotions in each mama, I suppose. The new life changes the family system--the dynamic in a way that most find unexpected and for the most part the changes are wonderful! However, the anticipation of the birth is a different thing, and this time it has really taken me by surprise how close I am to the birth (9 weeks away) yet feeling so not ready for this next step.

 

Not the most cheerful post, but hope it helps some other June mamas just knowing maybe someone else is feeling similarly! grouphug.gif

post #5 of 20

I was really upset about this when I was pregnant with my second.  It's one of those things where you know you made the right decision but the upcoming change and uncertainty is just worrisome.  Of course it turned out just fine, I never for a split second questioned my decision to have a second child, and he has changed all of our lives for the better in so many ways.  Change is always scary, especially during the crazy third trimester hormonal fluctuations.  It takes a certain level of trust that this is a good change, and even if there are difficult moments or days, things will always work themselves out and everything will be fine.

 

Someone remind me of this in a few weeks when I am in an all-out panic, please. orngtongue.gif

post #6 of 20

I am not sure of what to say. I think there are two separate issues here: Adding a child to the family and the age and ability to cope of the first child.

 

I think having two (my case also) will be amazingly wonderful but I think I see things a bit differently because this baby is coming after years of secondary infertility. Also, dd has practiced living with babies as we have been a short term foster family (sending on a 2-month-old soon). Anyway.... I think I would try to figure out what things bother you and go from there, instead of seeing it all as a big lump of unknowns. If you worry about your first not getting enough time or attention, maybe you can talk about it with some friends and relatives and see if they can help a bit. (Or even hire someone.) I know that is not the same as having mom or dad, but might still be a good solution. I think you may actually be surprised by how sweet the little moments of togetherness can be with the little one around. Remember, you are not adding a child who is the same age as your older child... This will be something for you two to marvel at together, as you both snuggle with the baby, etc.

 

Not that there won't be difficulties..... of course there will be. But those are lessons your child would need to learn, siblings or not. (Waiting, sharing, etc.)

post #7 of 20

i agree with the lessons needing to be learned thing. i am going to have my 5th. and i really do believe that the best thing i ever did was give the other ones siblings. it wasnt always easy. they fight, they bicker, they get jealous. they tease each other etc. but they also have lots of fun together. they learn to share, to show compassion, how to be responsible for another person, and how to share the bathroom. i am working on my 5th and i am feeling overwhelmed at the thought of adding another child. my older 2 have been helping with the younger 2 bc my sciatica has been killing me. even the younger 2 have been helping me clean up bc i cant really bend over. it is going to keep being like that after i have a newborn to carry around. i am glad they are good helpers. i think they are starting to understand how we have to come together to get the house clean and everybody fed and safe. it is a joy to me to see them really put themselves out there being generous with their time and things to help out. on the other hand i know what the transition is going to take when the baby is actually here. i know how much hard work it will be for me and dh, how put out DD2 will feel, how hard DD1 will have to work at being nicer and more grown up, how much i will rely on DSD and DS to help with housework. i will get no sleep, i will be tired all the time and rarely get a shower, i will feel fat and sweaty, my hips will feel all yucky, and i will be bleeding and wearing huge pads for a couple of weeks. but i will have tiny toes to kiss, and i will be breastfeeding a newborn, and i will be delighting in this new person. and so will the kids. 

 

i have been working on this transition for several months now. DD2 is in her own bed with DD1 and we are working out those kinks. DD2 is weaned and that went well. we been changing every baby thing over from DD2 to DS2 so they are shocked by the transition. talking to them about the birth etc. i feel like preparing this time is alot more time consuming than last time. 

post #8 of 20

I found that Mothering article in the EBSCO databases through my library, it's called, "And baby makes four."

post #9 of 20

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LionessMom View Post

 i will get no sleep, i will be tired all the time and rarely get a shower, i will feel fat and sweaty, my hips will feel all yucky, and i will be bleeding and wearing huge pads for a couple of weeks. but i will have tiny toes to kiss, and i will be breastfeeding a newborn, and i will be delighting in this new person. and so will the kids. 

:) I trust your judgement about your babies, as you have 4 already. However, for the benefit of those having their first I will say that it is not impossible to have a newborn who sleeps more than you would like (as it is so wonderful to stare in their eyes), sleeps quite well at night, waits happily and stares at you while you shower, etc. I felt wonderful right after our dd's birth, so everything hurting does not necessarily happen, either. Babies are always a lot of work, but how hard it feels depends on the mama and the baby. Our foster baby has been extremely easy.... Our dd was not. I have dealt with anything from 3 years of sleep deprivation (with dd) to living quite normally with two different foster babies. You just never know what you are going to get... And it think that sometimes contributes to people looking down on others. Those with really easy babies will never understand what motherhood is like for many others... Just some random thoughts, not meant for LionessMom, really.

post #10 of 20

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy View Post

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LionessMom View Post

 i will get no sleep, i will be tired all the time and rarely get a shower, i will feel fat and sweaty, my hips will feel all yucky, and i will be bleeding and wearing huge pads for a couple of weeks. but i will have tiny toes to kiss, and i will be breastfeeding a newborn, and i will be delighting in this new person. and so will the kids. 

:) I trust your judgement about your babies, as you have 4 already. However, for the benefit of those having their first I will say that it is not impossible to have a newborn who sleeps more than you would like (as it is so wonderful to stare in their eyes), sleeps quite well at night, waits happily and stares at you while you shower, etc. I felt wonderful right after our dd's birth, so everything hurting does not necessarily happen, either. Babies are always a lot of work, but how hard it feels depends on the mama and the baby. Our foster baby has been extremely easy.... Our dd was not. I have dealt with anything from 3 years of sleep deprivation (with dd) to living quite normally with two different foster babies. You just never know what you are going to get... And it think that sometimes contributes to people looking down on others. Those with really easy babies will never understand what motherhood is like for many others... Just some random thoughts, not meant for LionessMom, really.

 

 

i considered my babies to be easy babies. you mean there are easier babies?!?!  lol, just kidding.  i just chalked it all up to breastfeeding several times at night, not being able to sleep during the day bc of older kids, and my kids need to be held all the time. thank goodness for baby carriers. and i hurt bc i have a disorder that affects my joints but the chiro will put them back where they go eventually, plus i plan on binding them so that will help. some people get frustrated though, after hearing how easy some babies are and then theirs are not. babies do sleep a lot at first. only waking to eat. but when you have other children it makes less time for them. they will want you attention and not really want to share it with the new baby no matter how excited they are about it. it is a hard balancing act. nobody tells moms that you will feel like a sweaty pile of bones for awhile. nobody mentions the fact that you might want to d all this stuff or just lay around with baby but you have to eat. and the more kids the more you have to prepare for that. and to be completely honest, foster babies are not the same thing as your own baby. what kind of place did they live in before you? were they used to being ignored? did they cry it out? are they on formula? all that changes a babies needs. formula fills them up and keeps them full longer which means they sleep longer. they are used to sleeping in a crib etc. a breastfeeding cosleeping baby will wake more often, eat more often, poop more often, etc. so your sleep is broken more often. etc. they want to be held close to the breast. so they can eat when they want. i am going to give that to my baby. like i did the last 2. so i am preparing myself for the lost sleep, the leaky breasts, etc. not to mention the sweating. did i mention the insane sweating that can happen the first week as you let all that extra fluid out that you were holding onto during pregnancy?

post #11 of 20

I'm having a bit of trouble with this too. I don't have any fears of loving the new baby, on the contrary I think I am less stressed and more excited about his arrival than I was with our daughter's, mostly because with her there were SO many unknowns as a first time parent. I am more upset to think that I'm losing my special bond with my daughter. We are best buds and I am hoping her new brother is something we can bond even more over. I am so scared that our relationship won't be as special anymore. I know when she meets him for the first time I am going to bawl my eyes out.

post #12 of 20

LionessMom, I hear you on the sweating and the general feeling of yuck.  I think that was the thing that shocked me most about first time motherhood.  I felt like a total disaster all the time.  DS was a challenge.  He didn't sleep, he didn't nurse well at first, he had to be constantly in motion...it was just a really big adjustment that I had to make very quickly.  I'm looking forward this time around to at least knowing what all of that feels like so that I won't be as shell-shocked.  I think that DS will be ok.  He might not act like it all the time but he has some understanding now that I'm not always going to be able to pay attention to him.  

 

Alicewyf, my bigger fear is yours, that it will fundamentally change my relationship with DS.  Which I know that it will, but he's so much the center of everything for me that having two centers seems to be the biggest adjustment.  I'm not afraid that I won't love the new one as much; just that it won't be the same kind of love that I have for DS because he made me a mother.  Does that make sense?

 

Really, I just shouldn't even be thinking about this at all at this stage because now is the time that I get all weepy over everything and imagine horrible scenarios...ahhh, hormones. 

post #13 of 20

You will love the new baby just as much, I promise. It's just how it works. Seems impossible, but it's true. When you have more children your love is not divided between them, it multiplies!

 

I am dreading the sweating too. Yuck. And it's going to be hot out. Lots of cool showers are in my future.

 

I can't recommend a specific probiotic, I have taken lots of kinds and I can't tell the difference from one to the next. the one I have now is Vitacost brand which is essentially a generic. I'd love to know more about it if anyone knows.

post #14 of 20

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinams8 View Post

 

 

I can't recommend a specific probiotic, I have taken lots of kinds and I can't tell the difference from one to the next. the one I have now is Vitacost brand which is essentially a generic. I'd love to know more about it if anyone knows.

 

I've read that probiotics are useless unless they are refrigerated at all times. When I get them I get them cold and keep them cold, they cost about $26 a bottle that way. 

post #15 of 20

my youngest has been calling herself the baby lately when we talk about the new one coming. i worry about her feeling put out and put off and jealous of the baby and that it will change our relationship. but after all thees kids i know that it is an inevitable part of adding a new baby. the relationship, the dynamic has to change to add someone new. and the baby will be the one next to mom all the time. it makes me sad every time that my youngest will have to go through the adjustment. i have already started preparing her. i weaned her when i lost my milk. (i will pump for her when it comes back, i find that helps) i moved her to her own bed and am working through the issues that pop up in keeping her there. she is sharing with her sister. i have been encouraging her to ask her dad, brother, and sisters for help more than me. but i do not turn her away when she asks for cuddles. i tell her alot that she needs to "go ask .... if she can help you" etc. she will either do it or say no she wants me to. now i just need her to understand i can not carry her anymore. i just take it a day at a time. i will say no i cant carry you, you are too big. or i am already carrying baby, lets hold hands. if she goes for it then yay. if not then i will carry her for a minute and tell her how tired i get from carrying such a big girl. i am going slow with her. but she seems to be adjusting well already. it shouldnt be too bad when baby gets here. i know she will regress, esp on pottying and wanting to sleep with me. but i am using this tactic on dh as well to get him to take over getting her to sleep etc. 

post #16 of 20

To the OP - I have been feeling the same way.  I'm due the 1st and feeling very similar.  I wanted a 2nd one badly and now just trying to spend every second possible with my daughter (she is only 14 months) because I know her life is going to be turned upside down shortly.  I feel so guilty about how this is going to affect her.  And, as mudhugger said:  What the hell was I thinking?, that keeps entering my mind as well.  I really wanted to have another and thought it would be great to have them so close together.  Well, I had no idea how much time a baby and a toddler take and didn't think how they will both need me at the same time.  Anyways, this is no help to your question, but just wanted to say that I feel the exact same way.

post #17 of 20

Ditto to what all you ladies have said. I definitely can relate to feeling more ambivalent this time around than w/ my first.THough I think I'm starting to get more excited as we get closer to the birth. My mood is all over the place -- so one day I'll feel like "yay! I'm excited" and the next I'll feel sad about my relationship with DS changing. 

post #18 of 20
Thread Starter 

It is nice to know I'm not alone!  I had lunch with a very good long time friend and the subject came up.  She has two children who are a bit older now, so she has been through this (although her second is adopted).  She said that while she deeply loves both of her children, she does have a closer bond with one than the other.  She works hard to not show it though.  For some reason, just hearing another mother admit that the relationship isn't the same with all of the children was a relief.  It doesn't mean you don't love them all passionately, of course.  But it does mean that I don't have to feel like I'm abnormal if I am more connected to one than the other.  Of course, I can hope to have a strong bond with each but I just can't expect it to be equally the same.  

 

My daughter is acting out major baby regression at the moment.  I guess she is trying to get ready in her own way for the transition too.  It is driving me batty, though!

post #19 of 20

i find that i have a stronger connection to the younger one. and when the new one comes, that connection wanes as the new one builds and then i have a stronger connection to the new one. i feel disconnected from the older ones at times. i have to work harder to maintain those relationships. but the kids dont mind after the initial "i have been replaced" feeling. they seem to like their independence more after that. and they will even resist my efforts to connect sometimes. they have more important things to do. like investigating and climbing and coloring and stuff. so i backed off and let them come to me. and then i do my best to be available every time they need me, like when they get hurt etc. and give them special cuddles at bedtime, special chores that they are now old enough for etc. 

post #20 of 20

My neighbor who has four children said that since they are such different people, children identify more with one parent or the other, but obviously you love them all....

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