natural childbirth, pain, and shame - Page 2

[radiogal]

thanks again for the responses ladies.

last night I had a realization - don't know why it's taken me almost 3 months since the baby was born to really realize this: despite everything I thought, and how powerless I felt, I DID manage to push my baby out, without any intervention, and that's a hella big accomplishment that I should be proud of.  It sounds so childish when I write it down - like "oh I should get a gold star for accomplishing something", like I'm in elementary school or something.  but it's been really hard to think about the labor and birth without feeling sorrow, emotional pain and shame, and just to feel a little bit of pride for what I was able to do is, I think, a good thing.

reminds me of a time I was hanging out with some punks in minneapolis and we were aalking about all the hardcore things we'd done - the riots we'd been in, the battles with racist skinheads....until one friend of mine silenced us with her proclamation 'i pushed two babies out of my body' - no one could compete with that, we had to agree she was the most hardcore one of all. :)

[MichelleZB]

Originally Posted by radiogal 

thanks again for the responses ladies.

last night I had a realization - don't know why it's taken me almost 3 months since the baby was born to really realize this: despite everything I thought, and how powerless I felt, I DID manage to push my baby out, without any intervention, and that's a hella big accomplishment that I should be proud of.  It sounds so childish when I write it down - like "oh I should get a gold star for accomplishing something", like I'm in elementary school or something.  but it's been really hard to think about the labor and birth without feeling sorrow, emotional pain and shame, and just to feel a little bit of pride for what I was able to do is, I think, a good thing.

reminds me of a time I was hanging out with some punks in minneapolis and we were aalking about all the hardcore things we'd done - the riots we'd been in, the battles with racist skinheads....until one friend of mine silenced us with her proclamation 'i pushed two babies out of my body' - no one could compete with that, we had to agree she was the most hardcore one of all. :)

Totally, Radiogal! You are 100% super hardcore and deserve all the gold stars.

[mercii]

I understand how you feel. My first birth was terribly traumatizing and I wondered how I could ever do something like that again. The pain was blinding, out of control pain, there was no "pause" between contractions to recover, and I was panicking and hyperventilating because it was too much to handle. The only comfort I can remember is seeing my midwife -- she was looking at me so peacefully and calmly and it was the only piece of sanity that seemed to exist. (But I was also MAD that she could be so calm when I felt like I was dying).

Somehow, time healed things. I went on to face another natural childbirth and this time I knew how scary and bad it was going to be. It really helped me during my 2nd labor to have flashbacks to the panic I went through during my first, and tell myself "yep. It's gonna be a LOT worse. I'm gonna lose it pretty soon." And suddenly it was over, and I had birthed another little girl. Yes, it was terribly painful, but I never reached that moment of panic and fear, because I kept telling myself it was going to be ten times worse.

Anyone who didn't tell you there would be pain WAS lying to you. I know somebody who went into labor trying to deny the pain, and she came out terribly disappointed and traumatized. No one should ever tell a woman that there isn't going to be pain. Unfortunately I have run across that attitude a lot in the natural birth world, and I feel it is terribly deceiving. There is pain. There is a lot of pain. The miraculous thing is that we have the power to come through it, and are able to "forgive" the instant we see what caused our pain.  I was angry at my baby for causing me so much pain, and yet the moment she was in my arms I was this teary eyed, gushing mama holding the most precious thing in the world.

[3timesamom]

First of all I just saw that you commented on my birth story of Miss Emily. I want to congratulate you on your new baby:) Second I want you to understand that Miss Emily is baby number four for me! I walked down this road before. Well actually, I walked down that awful pitocin labor road, and that hospital birth, and then finally the one that pushed me over the top with confidence:) If you would like I can paste and copy all of their birth stories for you. They vary greatly! The one thing I notice however is that my first delivery was this soul sucking experience! I believe it could have been less terrible but not with pitocin involved.

Infact I want you to know that I have to make a great effort to relive that day! My daughter is nine she will be ten. When I enjoy her birthday with her its marveling at her growth, getting her gifts and cupcakes. Its an understanding that we made it together. We have grown into a girl and a mom together! My son just turned seven and I relive his empowering birth! I relive yelling "I did it! I did it!" I relive pacing the halls and dealing with pain. I relive it as a moment of power as a moment that a woman had a nine pound baby boy with general ease! (Not pain free!) I relive it as one of the most remarkable moments of my life!

The differance? I knew what I was going to deal with. I had no pit. I had experience on my side:) My third child I kicked labors ass! Mind you that doesn't mean pain free! That means I over came!

So basically I want you to consider this a learning experience. You know what to expect. You know to stand your ground on induction unless you have to. (like really have to!) You know that you labored for HOURS and you did have a baby:) You did do it! The road was bumpy but you made it:) You kicked labors ass. Next time you will do it better:) Next time you will know what to expect:) Next time you will scream, "I did it!" For now stop reliving that day! When you do relive it remember the part where you did get to baby! Don't worry about what baby was thinking! LOL Baby was probably thinking "HOLY CRAP, Glad thats over!"

[tiqa]

Although my labors were most certainly not pain-free, they WERE quick, and I HAVE had dental procedures and headaches that were more painful.

That said, I suck at being pregnant, and have in all my pregnancies considered terminating due to the sheer amount of suffering I faced in the early parts.  (They sucked the whole time, but the first tri was always the hardest.)  I felt very guilty and yes, sometimes thought the babies could sense that their mom wasn't wholly perfect, glowing, "omg I am so happpppppy I am pregnant, this is a miracle!!!!".  This even with my planned and much-wanted pregnancies.  We're all put under a lot of pressure to be pregnant/birthing goddesses with nary a negative thought, and if we're not happy rosy sunshiney the whole way through, we're at fault, we're bad people, the babies judge us, the whole nine.

Incidentally, we all have different reactions to the not-everyday experience of labor.  My first was pretty quick laboring but pushing was very difficult.  When it was done, they gave me the baby, and I could care less.  I didn't even look at him.  I know you're "supposed" to look down and see your baby and go coo and aww over it, and fall in love and start saying things like "oh i love you my little baby" and kiss kiss and count the toes.  I felt like I was high from the labor hormones and I totally didn't care there was a baby there.  I was grinning and making small talk with the nurses.  They wrapped him up and gave him to me again and AGAIN I ignored him, so they put him away.  Later on, like an hour or two later, they were wheeling me to another room and put the baby in my lap to hold, and I held him like, wtf is this thing, and I was kind of weirded out by it.  Then they left us alone in another room to recover and yes, we did eventually bond, but it took a few hours.  I'm no less bonded with him than I was with my daughter, but it definitely wasn't the picture perfect documentary birth.  You know what?  We got it over it.  ;)

Incidentally, I'm pregnant again, and have zero, zip, zilch bondy feelings with this baby.  I feel sick, not preggers.  I don't feel happy, I don't rub my belly, I don't, well, anything.  And yeah, we tried for a year to get pregnant, and this is my last pregnancy, so I "should" be feeling over the moon that I'm knocked up.  Meh.  I'm being gentle with myself.  I'm sure the bonding will come, eventually...

[womenswisdom]

OP, while you are posting about guilt over thoughts you had during labor, I think it's important to remember we all have irrational thoughts frequently that we pay no attention to. When you're standing on top of a building, did you ever think of jumping off? Driving your car into a bridge abutment? Actually killing someone you were angry with? The truth is, we all have thoughts like that. The problem comes when we attach a judgment to those thoughts, which causes us guilt and anxiety.

For example, many women who suffer from PPD have intrusive thoughts about harming themselves or their baby. They don't *want* to do it, they just have these random thoughts that pop into their heads and *know* they wouldn't act on them but the fact that they are having them at all causes anxiety about what kind of horrible mother could think such a thing. They judge themselves for simply having a thought, which leads to trying to suppress the thought and so it becomes a cycle, because trying *not* to think a thing makes it about the only thing you *can* think of. Most women have random thoughts like that which they pay no attention to and probably would only remember if you specifically asked about it. The women who have a problem focus on these random thoughts and believe that they mean something about who they are, which is absolutely not true. To a large extent, we don't control our thoughts.

A single, isolated thought (or even repeated thoughts!) during a stressful time says absolutely nothing about the kind of mother that you are or will be. No one outside your head knows your thoughts unless you tell them. I'm so sorry that you had such a disappointing, difficult labor and I hope you come to a place of peace with the facets of it that still cause you pain.

[rainface]

I know this is an older topic but I just wanted to chime in and say YES, I can empathize too. I had a med free birth, and I'm very proud of myself for doing the hardest work of my life on my terms but I had such shame for my thoughts during labor (particularly during transition). At one point I told my husband I just wanted to go home, please take me home, I promise I'll come back later and have this baby. I whined, I cried, I yelled. I distinctly remember thinking that if I could just escape out the window (3 stories up) and make it to the parking lot, someone would have to give me a c-section. I thought I couldn't do it. I was scared to death. And then, she was born and I kept saying "I can't believe I just did that", and she is the most perfect thing in the universe.
Now, after talking to my cousin and other women who report the same experience, it's a funny, bittersweet story that I can laugh about now. And my daughter is much more likely to judge me for the fact that I won't let her suck on my teva sandals. Be proud of yourself, momma. You pushed a baby out.

[at_the_hip]

Please please don't be so hard on yourself.  You DID it Mama!  Why is it that as women we are 'failures' if  we don't labour or deliver quietly, or we need pain relief, or scream?  How do you think a man would handle that type of pain??

I have had 5 births and 3 of the 5 have been posterior.  Because I also have very large babies with big heads the posterior births have been beyond excruciating.  I am a reserved woman and I felt guilt and shame because I screamed and cried for them to make it stop.  I pleaded with them to help me and even asked them to transfer me (with my last birth).
The two births that were posterior were very intense but compared to the posterior positioned babies, not near as painful...not even on the same scale.  However those two ended in severe hemmorhages.

With #6 after 3 homebirths I am going for a hospital birth.  And I may well get an epidural.  I am not ashamed.  I have long difficult births with big babies and it's my choice. 

[MnMtm]

My first homebirth was a lot harder, longer and more painful than I ever expected it to be. I remember when I realized that I was in labor with my second, I had this moment of fear and panic when I thought, "Am I crazy for doing it this way again?" However, my labor and birth of my second child was much more like what I had imagined that my first would be like. I still have to say that there was pain involved, but it wasn't as intense and didn't last nearly as long as my first did.

I do have to say that in difficult moments in parenting, or just in life in general, I have though back to the birth of my first, and thought, "If I can do that, I can do anything," so even though it didn't feel so immediately afterwards, it did end up being an incredibly empowering experience for me. Plus, I know that my son was brought into this life in the healthiest way possible.

[ilovetchotchkes]

I could have written this after my first birth, word for word. 

My son was malpositioned and my 30 hour labor was HORRIBLE. My 2nd birth was a lot smoother. It didn't NOT hurt, it hurt like HELL, and I kept saying "I CANT DO THIS I CAN"T DO THIS" over and over and over again. But there was actual progress so my mental state was a lot better. With my son it took me almost  24 hours to dilate from 4 to 10. I remember thinking at one point "dear G-d, please have someone barge in here and demand I get a c-section, please, because I can't do this anymore" Sadly, that was about 8 hours before my son was actually BORN. (I ended up getting an epidural and having him vaginally but it was a close call). My midwife even said when it was time to push and I asked her if I could push even between contractions. "normally we'd have you breathe the baby down slowly but while he's doing great you're in a bad way, lets get him out as quick as we can so you can be done, push whenever and however you want to. ". I was so grateful to hear her say that. What hurt the most afterwards were people in the NCB blamed ME!!!! Told me "buy the hospital ticket you get the hospital ride". 

My 2nd birth was completely unmedicated and yes it hurt like hell, but it was also shorter. Had it extended to the length that my sons did? i probably would not have been able to cope. I did take part of a pre natal yoga class series though and I quit halfway through because the teacher exhorted us NOT to read or listen to any "negative birth stories" and only fill our heads with "positive energy". Because that screwed me last time. This time around? I read c-section, induced, vacumn, forceps, anything that could go wrong in a birth, i searched out a birth story for it. And I think it helped. 

What did help a LOT this time around was my doula not BSing me about the pain, she'd say "oh that sounds like a nasty one, you're almost done, its peaking, and you'll never have to have that horrible contraction again, EVER".  Part of what helped too was I expected the worst. Hoped for the best but expected the worst.

Oh and pitocin contractions are EVIL. I have never had them myself, but if they're worse than regular labor? o holy hell i hope I never need pitocin! My mother had pitocin with my birth, swore up and down she'd never get it again, and then also swore that labor with my sister felt like "bad period cramps" (ironically my labor pains 2nd time around were like that too, but mine are so bad that I'm incapacitated every month )

[ilovetchotchkes]

Originally Posted by at_the_hip 

Please please don't be so hard on yourself.  You DID it Mama!  Why is it that as women we are 'failures' if  we don't labour or deliver quietly, or we need pain relief, or scream?  How do you think a man would handle that type of pain??

I have had 5 births and 3 of the 5 have been posterior.  Because I also have very large babies with big heads the posterior births have been beyond excruciating.  I am a reserved woman and I felt guilt and shame because I screamed and cried for them to make it stop.  I pleaded with them to help me and even asked them to transfer me (with my last birth).
The two births that were posterior were very intense but compared to the posterior positioned babies, not near as painful...not even on the same scale.  However those two ended in severe hemmorhages.

With #6 after 3 homebirths I am going for a hospital birth.  And I may well get an epidural.  I am not ashamed.  I have long difficult births with big babies and it's my choice. 

Birth is pretty much an easy pass/fail and I think everyone "passes"  IMO. :) 
Pass=you end up with a baby regardless of exit method

Fail= you mysteriously give birth to a litter of kittens or puppies. Or a clutch of lizards. 

[Kynid]

I feel for you so much because I had a similar experience, except that I got an epi at 8 cm and it didn't work. I felt so scared and so trapped because once I had "given up" my dream of a med free labor, I still didn't get pain relief. My setting was in a hospital because I was on pit at 42 weeks induction. 4 hours and 45 mins of pushing and I started passing out and they did a csection. I will have a ECS this time because it was so traumatic for me. I want that magical birth experience so bad, but I will not risk it happening again because I am still not over it 4 years later. *hugs Momma* 

[babymommy2]

I feel like I know a lot about labor. I'd seen births prior to have children. I've worked in postpartum for years. I've taught prenatal classes for a long time. When pregnant with my third for some reason I felt compelled to buy the hypnobirthing book becuase it was supposed to have these great relaxation techniques. Well, I couldn't even get past the first chapter!  It claims that birth is pain free. which for some rare people it may be, but for the vast majority of women it it going to be the worst pain you have ever had. worse than claiming that birth is pain free or saying that birth can be pain free, it implies that if your birth is not pain free you are doing it wrong. That book made me livid and I threw it in the garbage because I could not imagine letting anyone read that.

Don't beat yourself up aobut it. Especially do not beat your self up about your first look at your daughter. she does not think any of those things at all! She is a tiny newborn baby who suddenly in the world, her first thoughts are sensations, your smell, your touch, soon hunger and rooting around. She is not thinking that you failed her.   Another big myth out there is that the first moment you have with your baby is all joy and instant bond. Sometimes it is, but mostly it is not. These were my first, honest to God thoughts as soon as I gave birth, after "Thank God it is over"

1st baby: Is he normal? (there were concerns) Boy? It was supposed to be  a girl. I didn't have a labor I wanted and it was a let down. I felt I had failed in my goal.

2nd baby: I did it! (I had really wanted a completely natural birth and it went perfectly and it was agonaizingly painful, but thankfully only 5 hours of hard labor). I did not think about the baby, I thought about my accomplishment. I was on a complete high. I was also in extreme pain for a 3rd degree tear and shaking so badly I wouldn't hold the baby until I was given freezing for the stitches. That took about an hour because they had to call in a dr. Once I was stiched up, then we had our great bonding time.

3rd Baby: I was completley relieved he didn't have downs syndrome, as that had been consuming my mind for that last few months.

The only thing I have ever heard somone compare to birth pain that I actually believe are kidney stones.

Remember that it is a relationship you have with your baby and realationships are not instantaneous, they are built over time. Not having that magical instant love will not lessen the wonderful bond you will have.

[ilovetchotchkes]

Originally Posted by babymommy2 

I feel like I know a lot about labor. I'd seen births prior to have children. I've worked in postpartum for years. I've taught prenatal classes for a long time. When pregnant with my third for some reason I felt compelled to buy the hypnobirthing book becuase it was supposed to have these great relaxation techniques. Well, I couldn't even get past the first chapter!  It claims that birth is pain free. which for some rare people it may be, but for the vast majority of women it it going to be the worst pain you have ever had. worse than claiming that birth is pain free or saying that birth can be pain free, it implies that if your birth is not pain free you are doing it wrong. That book made me livid and I threw it in the garbage because I could not imagine letting anyone read that.

Don't beat yourself up aobut it. Especially do not beat your self up about your first look at your daughter. she does not think any of those things at all! She is a tiny newborn baby who suddenly in the world, her first thoughts are sensations, your smell, your touch, soon hunger and rooting around. She is not thinking that you failed her.   Another big myth out there is that the first moment you have with your baby is all joy and instant bond. Sometimes it is, but mostly it is not. These were my first, honest to God thoughts as soon as I gave birth, after "Thank God it is over"

1st baby: Is he normal? (there were concerns) Boy? It was supposed to be  a girl. I didn't have a labor I wanted and it was a let down. I felt I had failed in my goal.

2nd baby: I did it! (I had really wanted a completely natural birth and it went perfectly and it was agonaizingly painful, but thankfully only 5 hours of hard labor). I did not think about the baby, I thought about my accomplishment. I was on a complete high. I was also in extreme pain for a 3rd degree tear and shaking so badly I wouldn't hold the baby until I was given freezing for the stitches. That took about an hour because they had to call in a dr. Once I was stiched up, then we had our great bonding time.

3rd Baby: I was completley relieved he didn't have downs syndrome, as that had been consuming my mind for that last few months.

The only thing I have ever heard somone compare to birth pain that I actually believe are kidney stones.

Remember that it is a relationship you have with your baby and realationships are not instantaneous, they are built over time. Not having that magical instant love will not lessen the wonderful bond you will have.

That's how I got screwed with my first birth. Reading a bunch of books, I believed that the pain was "all in my head". 

This time I knew better and my doula knew that pain is a serious fear trigger for me. HOwever I did make everyone crack up by saying "Orgasmic birth? WTF, no such thing, people who say that are lying liars and they're going to hell" (I don't believe in hell, but I was pretty cranky by that point) 

[JennyHu]

Agree with other mamas on here. We all have our own unique experiences. There is no such thing as failure. It's a shame so many people in the 'birth movement' push their views on moms. What I personally think is important is for the Evidence to be taught (b/c many traditional birthing classes do not teach what the evidence says). There are so many options that "all of us" very often never hear about that have major implications during our birth & future births. Once the Evidence is presented & risks for ALL options are discussed, only then can we make the best decisions (whatever kind of birth, wherever & however). Just as you had your unfortunate experience, so too do moms who routinely get hooked up to 'continuous electronic fetal monitors' that have been proven to NOT have any benefits for moms or babies, but DO increase the chance of c-sections (see evidence here)....and are never taught that. Why not? 

Sometimes it feels like the democrats vs republicans in the birthing world...let's stop bickering & start supporting each other. It's ok if you don't want to have the same birth as me, who the heck am I to say. It's your choice what you want to do right? I support you either way. I just help you get all the info you need (unbiased) so you feel confident whatever you decide!

Regardless what kind of birth you want to have...I wanted to share this interview YourBabyBooty did with Cindy Crawford. It's inspiring for all of us moms. I love her quote when she says... "You're at your strongest when you're pregnant"! You Can Do It!  http://yourbabybooty.com/interviews/how-i-managed-pain-in-natural-childbirth-with-cindy-crawford/ 

[JollyGG]

I'm with everyone else who has never heard of a pain free inductions. I only know one woman who has done an induced birth without pain meds and I think she's superwoman or nuts or something.

I had an hour of pitocin right before they decided to do a c-section. I'd take all 23 hours of labor I did without pitocin over that one hour of labor with pitocin. I couldn't focus to make it through the pain. Everything just hurt. There was no breathing through it or riding the wave of the contraction. It just hurt and it hurt a lot. My non pitocin contractions basically felt like a really bad menstral cramp. But, really people, one cramp doesn't hurt, the 5 millionth cramp without a break and it hurts, a lot.

Even before the pitocin I asked them to mute the heart beat because it was making me irritable.

I am also with those who were so tired and out of it that I wasn't even very excited to see the baby. They put him on my chest to see and I just remember looking at him and thinking "what do you expect me to do with that". We bonded later, once I was out of recovery and we could just hold and stare at him, but that was hours and hours later.

We don't generally think about how uncomfortable babe is during labor. They are getting squashed and squeezed and then expected to breath and make every thing work right. I imagine labor hurts pretty bad from their perspective as well. If your baby was capable of thinking fully formed thoughts on her way out I'm pretty sure her thoughts of you were less than charitable as well.

With my second birth I went straight to the c-section.

Edited by JollyGG - 10/4/12 at 8:55am

[N3tty]

I just wanted to say a big thank you to the OP and everyone who posted. I read this post the day before I gave birth to my son and I thought of the words here frequently.
I also read and did prep for a med free birth and wanted as little intervention as possible. Unfortunately, I was also induced with pitocin and the pain was unbearable I think you're amazing for going through it pain free. I had thoughts of how am I going to love and bond with my baby if I'm going through so much pain! I ended up with an epidural and probably everyother intervention except for a c-section. I bonded and fell in love with my baby instantly. Although I didn't get the birth I initially wanted, I am happy with my experience.

I also did the ice cube excercise at the birth class. I find it funny now, I think they should rather throw you in a bath of ice water, that level of pain is more comparable.

[skycheattraffic]

See I fully expected to be a raving lunatic during labour. I guess that's the other side of the coin with all the Hollywood hype/drama/stereotyping. No one said "you won't waste your precious breath on yelling obscenities". I was told deep breathing would help at the prenatal class. Bull! That only put more pressure on my abdomen and made it more painful. I'm very grateful to the nurse who checked us in. She saw how I was struggling and took my hand and without a word started doing quick shallow breaths through my contractions. That made it so I could get through a contraction without thrashing around in agony and tearing my hair out. It was still freakin' painful, just a little less unbearable. I didn't have pitocin but I did have the gel induction at 41 weeks. I'm sure pitocin is another ring of hell but this was bad enough! Nothing happened for hours and then BAM! I had the same intensity and frequency of contractions at 2 cm as I had at 9cm!! We got to the hospital after 9 pm and I said a BIG YES to an epidural at midnight (when dr got there) which was administered at 2am (when anesthesiologist was free). In the intervening seven hours, I kept hoping for a drop in baby's heart rate so they'd just wheel me into the OR and get this torture over with!!!!!!! At one point I even thought "If something goes very wrong I can always get pregnant again." ugh.. I'm not proud of these thoughts but I forgave myself and moved on. DD and DH needed me too much and I was too fascinated by this tiny little person. It wasn't instant love at first sight (another taboo subject) but over the next couple of days I did fall hopelessly in love with that delicate little helpless creature - the same person, supposedly, who is running around the house, shrieking "meow meow meow" at the moment . I completely agree with pp when they said that too much emphasis is placed on the birth and not nearly enough on the postpartum period of adjustment to motherhood and healing. I liken it to couples who spend all their energy and resources on a lavish wedding and have very little left to start their married life together. birth is important, yes but it is at most a few days compared to a lifetime of mothering. While it's wonderful that some women find labour an empowering, entirely positive experience, for many of us it's excruciatingly painful and we would give anything to make it stop in the heat of the moment.

[Triniity]

Quote:

I'm with everyone else who has never heard of a pain free inductions. I only know one woman who has done an induced birth without pain meds and I think she's superwoman or nuts or something.

Hey, I am superwoman . I had an induced birth without painmeds - but without pitocin. This other drug. It was not pain free though. 

After my first birth I was so exhausted (that was an induced birth with pitocin and with epidural, but that didn't work) I listened for 12+ hours for the heartbeat of my little one and in every contraction there was a pause as in no heartbeat. That freaked me out. 

After she was delivered, I could not hold her. I did not want to hold her, I didn't care. I still feel awful that I did not care. I was totally happy that my DH took her after the doctors had a look .

The second birth was without meds and it was not really painful. At least not compared to birth nr. 1. I could stand it. I was quite calm and took one contraction after the other, I had to push him for 3 hrs due to to his position, and I was sooo exhausted, I didn't hold him as well. 

Birth nr. 3 was the above induced labour without painmeds. That was like being hit by a train, the first contractions started and less than a hour later DD2 was in my arms. That was really painful and happening so fast, I screamed for painmeds, but they did not manage to give me some before she was born. I screamed and yelled at my DH and I tried to hurt him as well  as in scratching and pinching him. 

Please, OP , love your daughter and believe her that she loves you, too. We all do or think weird things in labour land. 

[supergem]

I know this is an old topic, but I am right there with the OP. I had a pitocon induced pain med free labor after my water broke and my contractions didn't progress.

My babe was also posterior. Active labor lasted 5 hours and at the peak, my contractions were 2 minutes long with a 30 second pause in between. It felt like someone jammed a chainsaw in my lower back and was splitting me in two.

Transition was somewhat a relief, but I had no energy, I was pushing and pushing, but the baby was not coming and his heart rate was dropping dangerously low. My midwife rang the OB who quickly came, pushed on my fundus and out my beautiful baby boy.

Except I felt nothing. Very much dissociated. Very much in shock. When my baby was handed to me, my first words were: "he's weird looking." I expected some euphoric bliss and felt nothing.

I stayed that way for a number of weeks. At my 6 week check up my midwife said of my natural birth: "don't you feel so empowered?" And my answer was "no, I feel traumatized."

That being said, at 5 months postpartum I feel ready to do it again. Hopefully without the pitocin because I very much believe it made my labor much more painful than it needed to be, but moreover, I really do feel it had a negative impact on me bonding with my baby after the birth.

Out of all this, I have taken away such an encompassing sense of awe and admiration for all of us women, and all of us mothers.