I wrote up my cesarean birth story.

[catters]

I just had my third child, again, scheduled c-section and I keep thinking about this forum and the women who post here.  Prior to this third c-section, and my hopes that I'd somehow miraculously vba2c despite no support, I loved reading these positive, empowering birth stories.  Now they slay me.  I can't read them anymore and I know that it's because everything is still too new and my renewed disappointment is still too fresh.  I finally decided to write up my own, for the first time ever.  It's not cheerful, but it's not sad either.  Anyway, I know some mama's on here will "get it", so I thought I'd share.  If you feel like sharing it to someone else, feel free.  xx

http://www.catfood27cents.com/catfood27cents/2012/04/do-you-write-a-scheduled-cesarean-birth-story-.html

[poiyt]

I know I am not a member of this tribe/group - but I read your story and couldnt help but respond. First of all *hug* even though I know it doesnt help ease the pain. Myself - I had a hospital birth with epidural for my first and an unassisted for my second. I am hoping, given reading your posts that you are not thinking I have no viewpoint. My second was an empowering birth story My first - I used the same words you did - the birth was something done to me. *I* didnt do it. I dont remember anything either. I dont remember what time she was born, I dont remember seeing her for the first time, or holding her. I remember being yelled yet, and the doctor saying "oops" when he was stitching me up because I tore. It was an awful experience. I too have heard the "at least you got a healthy baby" or "it wasn't that bad" and I guess truth be told, in comparison to a c-section maybe it wasn't that bad - but I agree with your post, its MY feelings on it. I feel awful about it and don't like talking about it because no one understands - so in that regard we are in the same boat.

I applaud you for writing this, and hope you will be a voice for this. Dont let people push you down with the healthy baby crap. Its simply not true.

[catters]

Oh, thanks Lindsay! I'm fairly sure that any woman with a birth that didn't go as hoped or planned can totally relate to the mix of emotions, vaginal or not. And, truth be told, even my csections weren't horrible or emergent compared with what many others have gone through. I only have c-section experience, but I know lots of mamas with similar experiences to yours. Thank you for sharing yours!

[prairie girl]

Beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing.

Now that I'm a scheduled C, I'm finding there's a bunchof people I now who hadn't ever disclosed that they had a cesarean.

These words will stay with me:

"I saw the outcome, the forest for the trees, if you will, but the trees were still fucking scary.  Their leafless branches still scratched me and the owls hooted at me from their holes and the wind howled"

"Oh you, you c-section mama, you mama with baby pulled out by vacuum or forceps, emergency episiotomy, intervention intervention intervention - you would have been dead 100 years ago.  (You were too weak to birth like a woman.  You are not a warrior goddess.  Your body is a failure.) "  

[CoBabyMaker]

Thank you for sharing this.  I've been looking at this thread for a while now without clicking because I knew it would be hard to read.  I know those feelings.  I know those emotions.  I know those hurtful, dismissive words that people say.  Thank you for being brave enough to put it all out there. 

I was able to labor and push with my first two (ending in c-sections) but we are talking about a third baby and it will be a scheduled c/s for a few reasons.  It's really hard for me to come to terms with but at the same time I have peace over it.  Cause yeah, those trees are scary and those branches real.
 

[catters]

Thank you, ladies, thanks for reading and responding.  

[alittlesandy]

Hi Catters, I wanted to post and say I'm right there with you. I had my first c-section because my son was breech, and just gave birth to my daughter via scheduled repeat c-section. While I did write up a happy "birth story" I completely get what you mean about the sense of loss, disappointment, and hesitation in doing so. The women in my DDC have been nice and supportive, but I know they sort of tip-toe around the c-section issue while all cheerfully discussing their home births and signs of labor, etc.

I feel a profound sense of loss at not getting to experience the anticipation of not knowing when I will go into labor, then excitedly going about my day in labor, waiting for my midwife, etc. I still feel a twinge of regret and sadness when I even SEE a thread about home birth or UC or VBAC. I cannot bring myself to read those stories either.

Congratulations on your three beautiful babies, and lots of love and hugs. It feels so good to hear from and talk to someone who gets it.

-Sandy

[naturemummy]

"Please believe me that you can fully appreciate your amazing fortune of becoming a mother and still quietly feel the confusion and loss and sadness surrounding how your baby was born.  They are not one in the same.    They. Are. Not. One. In. The. Same."

  These are the truest words I've ever read, and I thank you for writing them.  I had an unplanned c-section that terrified me, but as a mama I am the happiest version of myself I have ever been and I have never been so proud of who I've become. 

  I also wrote up my c-section birth story (you can read here http://naturemummy.blogspot.ca/2012/05/my-birth-story.html if you like).  Has anyone else done this and would like to share?  I found it so therapeutic.  I wrote it up, I put it out there in the world, and then I let it go because somehow those actions allowed me too.