"Your killing your baby"

[travelmumma]

That is what my GP said to me this afternoon when I told her I am pregnant and planning a home birth.

This is my first baby and first pregnancy.

I am so offended and upset. After saying this she then told me she would no longer take responsibility of my health, and that I was not to see her anymore.

This lecture lasted for 40 minutes. 40 MINUTES!!!

I then walked out so absolutely upset while she said to me "Well congrats I suppose then."

I just wanted to vent my shock and sadness/anger somewhere that it will be understood.

We haven't told anyone we are pregnant yet (5 weeks) so there is no support for me. Even when we tell people I will receive no support as home birth is not hugely common in my town/area.

(In fact when we were planning our wedding we had friends ask about us having children and we mentioned our plans in passing. That conversation ended with me in tears while they ACTUALLY SHOUTED at me that i am stupid/killing my baby etc)

I suppose I am just looking for empathy/sympathy and experiences. I am not looking for "suck it up this will happen a lot if you continue down this sort of parenting route.".... I know that I will receive these opinions, but just did not expect this from my (previously) very lovely doctor.

Have you been here? Were you upset??

Love form a very lonely sad mumma.

[AmaraMonillas]

Oh dear, I am so sorry.  I hope you find someone irl to be excited with you.

[heatherfd]

Sounds like you need a new GP .

Sadly home-birtting has been in the news a lot recently over the maternal death in SA & Janet Frasers inquest in Sydney.

Your lovely GP may well feels just as strongly about this as you do because she's seen someone come to harm.

Is there another GP in the same practice or can friends recommend someone more supportive ?

Best of luck .

[Youngfrankenstein]

It happens to so many of us.  I did shadow care with a CNM/OB practice and on the phone, the head CNM was very understanding and not un-supportive of my hb (she couldn't really "support" it but had done it for years herself).  

I asked one of the other CNMs about her hb and she refused to even talk about it.

[iowaorganic]

Ohh I am sorry- I know it is hard when no one is supportive.  I have had a hard time finding a dr to even be a backup- let alone be supportive. This attitude didn't really surprise me- based on where I am- but it still hurts when everyone is vicious about it.  Outwardly though I am very outspoken- so people who really know me are the only ones that can tell.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Sweetheart...you are a fierce mama now, you have a baby to look after. Seriously...you're somebodys mama. Think about that. You no longer have the luxury of letting other peoples opinions have you falling apart and doubting yourself. (((((hugs))))) You've got to be stronger than that now. You are no longer carrying yourself through this world...you are holding up another person, too.

I know how hard that kind of judgment can suck, but lady, that's all it is: Judgment. This prick made a judgement about a decision you've made. So what.

Do not ever let yourself, in defensiveness, shut out the constructive criticism of wise people around you. Great advice and superb support can come from really surprising places/people. Always allow for constructive observation and helpful advice to penetrate your decision making process, that will make it stronger. You will be happy when you look around you someday and realize you have a strong circle of supportive people there that you can count on to help you flush out ideas and who will act as a sounding board and will never bite their lips when they think that you really should rethink something you are doing.

On the other hand, when hurtful jerks are talking to you like you are an idiot, put up your hand, say "You know, we're really happy with the decision we've made about this, we've thought a lot about this and we think it's best for us. But thank you for your perspective" - and either change the topic of conversation or walk the hell out.

You are not 12. You are not obligated to sit there and have well thought out, important decisions that you've made picked apart and shit on by people who have absolutely nothing to gain or lose. What the hell does that GP care? Do you think he's going to be there for this kid? For you? Does your striving for gentle birth for you as a mother and for your child really effect this person in the long run? No. It doesn't. You have made a personal decision about a highly politicized life choice and he was making sure to vent his .02 onto you....crappy move. Very disrespectful. He wasn't trying to intelligently challenge you to think about things you hadn't thought of before..or shed some light with the true intention of alerting you to actual dangers. He wasn't being constructive at all. He was just tearing you down. I gotta tell you, I winced when you said that he lectured you like that for forty minutes. That kind of conversation would have lasted for about 40 *seconds*, had he been talking to me. But that's because I've been doing this mothering thing for a few years now, have dealt with a ton of negativity about my choices to be gentle, to not vax, to HB, etc and I've learned how to say "I'm not the fucking one, dude, don't talk to me like I'm a child or this meeting is over". You know?

So, take non-constructive, negative bullcrap lightly....and take well meaning, respect advice to heart. Learn to be fierce even in the face of overwhelming criticism and you will be a much happier mom for it. Stick to your guns, don't take crap...and you will be amazed at the community of supportive people you start to build up around you...having that drowns out the noise of people who aren't trying to be helpful and makes it much easier to deal with making "non mainstream" choices.

Your experience in being judged for your decision making is barely beginning. You will find that who you are as a parent is not something you sit down and decide one time...there is no map to follow...it's something which changes and shifts constantly as your child grows and needs different things and as your views change and you come into contact with new ideas. Big things, small things...sort of important things...not really important things...there are going to be people in your life trying to tell you what they think about all of it. You are going to need to get in a state of mind where you are able to collect your thoughts/information, make decisions as situations arise...and totally and completely shed the negativity and non-constructive nit-picking like it's water off a ducks back.

It's okay. All of us who decide we want to walk paths which are a little less well traveled face this in some measure, at some point. You are learning you first lesson as a mother...which is: How to walk on. You will find yourself doing that so much as a mom. When something isn't right, when someone is wasting your time shitting on you and making you feel bad when you know you're doing the right thing...walk on. Walk on, walk on and don't let people who don't have anything actually constructive to say about what you're doing shake you in your resolve.

Who is this dude, who was talking to you all high and mighty like he is a god of medicine? He's like everybody else. He isn't a super guru. He isn't even nice, for pete's sake. What do you care what he thinks of you? You don't. You can't.

Nobody gets to talk to you like that. Ever. You are a responsible, kind woman and you are someones mother. You are on this earth now to set an example for this small person....example number one: Nobody gets to shoot down your ideas "just because"....unless they have something constructive to add, their negative opinion is completely without value and you are not obligated to subject yourself to their foolishness.

[cat13]

BroodyWoodsgal!

OP, I hear you and it does suck to be told that. I dealt with the same thing with my OB, since even though I wanted a homebirth, I had wanted to have tandem care with an OB. When I declined the offer of a 10 week U/S, they said that my baby might be dead in there and they'd have to check to see if they need to "go in and get it out." Ugh!

I cried after that appointment and vented to my DH and my DDC here on MDC. Then, I told myself something similar to what BWG said above. There is no one on this earth besides my DH who loves this little human more than me, and it is now my job to do whatever I need to do to keep him as safe and healthy as possible, even if someone in a white coat is trying to tell me otherwise. It was hard. It's still hard now that he's born and I'm making decisions on vaccines or sleep situations, etc. I don't know if I'd be able to do it all if it weren't for places like MDC. So, just keep doing what you think is best for your babe, mama! And keep coming here when you need to release some steam
 

[fruitfulmomma]

That sucks but at least now you know what you were dealing with in having an hcp like that and can move on before baby comes and you have to deal with things like vaxxes.

Check your local tribe forum here and see if you can find some other moms in the area who could make suggestions or if you have found a midwife ask her.

[travelmumma]

Thank you so much Mummas!

You truly made my day!!

I have started a daily affirmation of "I am someones Mumma now and I will naturally and peacefully birth this child at home."

I also took the steps of "dumping" my GP, and finding a new one who is comfortable with shared care. I meet him tomorrow but I am thinking it of an interview rather than a consultation. There is nothing wrong with me, he does not have an upper hand at all, and I am meeting him to see if he will fit for me and my choices. I will happily walk out if he offends me or undermines my choices.

As well as this I also organised another interview with another midwife. I will be meeting both of them next week, and they both sound great.

The best part was creating a rocking playlist on my iPod and choosing songs that make me feel strong and capable and dancing my butt off while singing to my bub!

Thank you so much Mummas, it truly means a lot knowing that there are other women out there who shaw my passion for home birth and natural parenting choices.

I will keep fighting!

[dovemama]

 travelmumma, so glad you are finding peace with this. And congrats on breaking up with a bad gp. 

also,  Broodywoodsgal...please come be my personal life coach 

blessings to all of you for your kindness. 

[chapluqa]

Hey there travelmumma, congratulations on your pregnancy!

The reaction of your GP is horrible, no one should be treated with that level of disrespect. Sadly when it comes to pregnancy and birth it seems to be the norm in the medical system to disrespect women. I'm also in Australia and I agree with heather that the current climate surrounding homebirth in this country is just crap. Despite all of this, I am looking forward to a home birth for my first baby any day now.  My solution for avoiding unpleasant comments is just not to talk about it to people who I don't think will understand or be supportive.

I don't know if you know about it, but there is another excellent resource online for all things homebirth in Australia, including a great community of very supportive women who have been through many different experiences. Check out joyousbirth.info/forums - (you'll need to post an introduction to access the forums).

I have learned so much there and it has been an invaluable source of information, support, and wisdom both before and throughout my pregnancy. There are also local groups that meet in real life if you are looking to meet some like-minded women in your area.

Wishing you all the best for a blessed pregnancy and beautiful homebirth!

[GoBecGo]

Yeah this has happened to me too, and i've had both (all) my kids at home.  I'm in the UK, where homebirth is officially supported but individually frowned upon.

You've gotten some incredible responses.  And all i would add to it is maybe you could think over a few stock phrases to respond to such people.

When it's a professional i need (i.e. an Ob i was seeing with DD1 because my (mainly whitecoat) BP was climbing) i say "thank you for your professional perspective, we'll think it over and let you know when we make our decision".  If they are being emotive (you'll kill your baby!) i say "is that a medical fact?  I'm going to need you to cite studies if i'm to take it seriously".

When it's a professional i DON'T need (i.e. my GP when i had DD1 who i basically wanted to post my urine sample off and refer me to a MW) i say "Let's not get into it, i know everyone specialises in different areas and i do have a number of professionals with more appropriate levels of knowledge and experience on this topic at my disposal." in an acid tone so they can hear the "you are an idiot, shut up now." undertone nice and clear.

When it's a non professional i care about (IL's, concerned friends) i say "it's amazing what actual studies show about this, would you like me to bring you some?  It's so wonderful that you're concerned, i'd love to share what we've learned with you."

When it's a non professional i don't care about (nosy women at the school gate, people on buses) i say "Maybe you should have come over while we were making the baby to observe, since you're so obsessed with what goes on, and where, with my vagina" (DO use the word vagina, for some reason the people who think they have MOST right to dictate what you do with your body are usually also those who like to use euphemism and hint and not facts/correct terminology) and when they (invariably) slink off i say "yeah i didn't think so".

Think about the mama bear or the lioness.  We human females are conditioned to believe we are weak and with a child inside/on the hip even weaker.  But it's a cultural lie.  Every mammal has 2 dangerous groups, number 2 is an enraged male, but number 1, the most dangerous, is a female defending her young.  Get between a he-bear and his food and he might kill you (after he's calculated his personal risk and weighed up what the food is worth to him), get between a she-bear and her cubs and you're dead for sure (she will have killed you before she even considers if it's a good idea).  That's you now mama.  Those hormones that make female mammals so dangerous are yours too now.  Don't let people speak to you like you're a naughty child or an idiot.  As a grown woman carrying a child you are the EPITOME of responsibility.  HCG has many mechanisms within the human body, turning the mother into an imbecile who needs a big strong man with a medical degree to tell her what to do is not one of them.

[Plummeting]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you're able to find care providers who are more understanding. I actually had a nurse practitioner lecture me about how careless, irresponsible, etc. I was AFTER my 2nd daughter was born, when she was a couple months old already. We had her in for her check up and the NP saw she had been a home birth, then proceeded to just go off on me about it. I also had one friend tell me, "Babies should be born in the hospital," on facebook, when I mentioned I was going to have the baby at home. Not a lecture, but certainly rude when I had just said that I was not having the baby at a hospital. It sucks and it's hurtful and makes you angry. I'm sorry.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

<snip>

Think about the mama bear or the lioness.  We human females are conditioned to believe we are weak and with a child inside/on the hip even weaker.  But it's a cultural lie.  Every mammal has 2 dangerous groups, number 2 is an enraged male, but number 1, the most dangerous, is a female defending her young.  Get between a he-bear and his food and he might kill you (after he's calculated his personal risk and weighed up what the food is worth to him), get between a she-bear and her cubs and you're dead for sure (she will have killed you before she even considers if it's a good idea).  That's you now mama.  Those hormones that make female mammals so dangerous are yours too now.  Don't let people speak to you like you're a naughty child or an idiot.  As a grown woman carrying a child you are the EPITOME of responsibility.  HCG has many mechanisms within the human body, turning the mother into an imbecile who needs a big strong man with a medical degree to tell her what to do is not one of them.

LOOOVEEEE this. Truth!

[nilatti]

I found that reading Henci Goer's book (Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth or something like that) really helped me, because it has lots of studies and stats. It's a science book. I was able to point to it as a way to say, "I've done my research, so...stfu."

A nurse who goes to my church told me that homebirth was basically child abuse and should be reportable to CPS. Uhm. Thanks for being helpful. Meanwhile, a woman in my community picked up a flesh-eating bacteria when she went to our local hospital to have her third child and ended up losing her leg. That sounds so much safer, doesn't it?

Seek out positive stories. Focus on the actual statistics.

I also refrained from volunteering the fact that we were planning a home birth. It's amazing how rarely anyone asks. Most people assume you'll have your baby in the hospital.

[travelmumma]

thank you so much again mummas!!!!

Your support means so much!! DH is getting reassurance from it too!

I very much love likening myself to a mumma animal and have started calling myself mumma bear when talking about my maternal feelings.
Thank you so much!
I am so excited about our HB and my growing bub
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! N

[Lizbiz]

I'm on my almost 3rd homebirth now - and as they go by - I only grow in confidence, knowledge, etc.  You will too.  And yes, you are a momma bear!  

[member234098]

I 

Edited by member234098 - 5/25/12 at 10:48pm

[lilbsmama]

Your mantra is perfect. Hugs, mama.

Originally Posted by travelmumma 

Thank you so much Mummas!

You truly made my day!!

I have started a daily affirmation of "I am someones Mumma now and I will naturally and peacefully birth this child at home."

[treespeak]

The Dr's words were: "you are being wreckless, irresponsible, and selfish." 

This wreckless, irresponsible, and selfish mama gave birth powerfully and blissfully at home twice to beautiful sons.  It took some time to process the good doctor's words, but in time they became allies.  I knew right from the start what resistance I was facing.  I learned to breathe moment by moment and not get caught up in my own thoughts nor those of others.