"Your killing your baby" - Page 2

[dynnyrne]

So much wonderful wisdom here and I'm glad you're taking your power back.  You're a wonderful mumma for preparing a homebirth for your bubba.

I had a homebirth in Melbourne :)  There's a great homebirth community around... your midwife will be able to get you connected.  I was living in G'borough so let me know if I can help with contacts in that area.

[SchoolmarmDE]

I'm sorry. :( People can be idiots.

[ariahsmum]

I was horrified reading the original post, yikes!  You are killing your baby are seriously strong words, and... can be really very damaging to a mother's being if something should ever go wrong at home.  (I am forum crashing, so let me say that I am 100% behind HB or even UC).  I had a doctor tell me "Do you even love this child" while I was in labor (UBAC- transfer to hospital) and I was infuriated with her for showing her disapproval of my choices with these words, the suggestion was asinine (I had just transferred in very early labor for non-reassuring FHTs, and walked out of a dream birth- of course I cared!!).  But later, when my story didn't end happily, those words ate at me at night in the darkest hours and still can years later.

Our care providers, regardless of their beliefs and comfort zones, are... *care* providers... and the true atrocity is not lack of support- I suppose that like it or not that is ultimately her choice- but using the "you are killing your baby" words.  I think it is reportable.  It is abusive, hands down.  It is contrary to the code of ethics for practitioners no doubt and I would never hesitate to report that.

The ladies here have given you the support you need, but I am forum crashing selfishly because:

I AM DYING TO KNOW YOUR PLAYLIST!!!!

Please share :-)

[travelmumma]

hahaha trying to find iPod now..... Ok. My "Confident Mumma" playlist has not yet been perfected. But this is a bit of a run down on it so far.

 Ain't No Montain High Enough (always fun to yell along with!)

 Albie the racist dragon (.. Sounds horrible but its actually by a comedy duo called "Flight of the concords"... and we have been calling this LO Albie because it sounds like L.B or Little Bean)

 Big Girl You are Beautiful, By Mika

Born This Way, Lady Gaga (Pun very much intended)

 Madonna, Express Yourself!

Cee Lo Green "F@#! You" (sang to my ex doctor)

 Respect- Aretha of course!

 Independent Woman 

Ha ha.. Lots of them are meant tongue in cheek :) and they aren't very crunchy (at all) but they were the only songs on my iPod i could scream along too!

Of course these will no be on my labour playlist haha!!

[GoBecGo]

OP may i recommend "Push It" by Salt n Pepa for the second stage?  Nothing like a chuckle for that last bit of effort before seeing that sweet baby for the first time :D

[travelmumma]

Noted!! Push it will come in handy 

[ariahsmum]

Diggin' It!  Especially Cee Lo.... thanks for sharing, mama.  And all the best to you as you make your way.  I have a feeling you are going to get the exact support you need, I love that right now you are giving it to yourself- beautiful!

[kathydavid]

That is awful. Not only should you find a new doctor, but you should be telling other people that this one is one to avoid. Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet. A person like that would be a bully toward you and spend time pushing you do do any and everything they wanted, regardless of whether it was good for you or not. You have support here, and I hope you find support in you offline life too.

[Tropicalfever]

Originally Posted by BroodyWoodsgal 

Sweetheart...you are a fierce mama now, you have a baby to look after. Seriously...you're somebodys mama. Think about that. You no longer have the luxury of letting other peoples opinions have you falling apart and doubting yourself. (((((hugs))))) You've got to be stronger than that now. You are no longer carrying yourself through this world...you are holding up another person, too.


I know how hard that kind of judgment can suck, but lady, that's all it is: Judgment. This prick made a judgement about a decision you've made. So what.


Do not ever let yourself, in defensiveness, shut out the constructive criticism of wise people around you. Great advice and superb support can come from really surprising places/people. Always allow for constructive observation and helpful advice to penetrate your decision making process, that will make it stronger. You will be happy when you look around you someday and realize you have a strong circle of supportive people there that you can count on to help you flush out ideas and who will act as a sounding board and will never bite their lips when they think that you really should rethink something you are doing.

On the other hand, when hurtful jerks are talking to you like you are an idiot, put up your hand, say "You know, we're really happy with the decision we've made about this, we've thought a lot about this and we think it's best for us. But thank you for your perspective" - and either change the topic of conversation or walk the hell out.


You are not 12. You are not obligated to sit there and have well thought out, important decisions that you've made picked apart and shit on by people who have absolutely nothing to gain or lose. What the hell does that GP care? Do you think he's going to be there for this kid? For you? Does your striving for gentle birth for you as a mother and for your child really effect this person in the long run? No. It doesn't. You have made a personal decision about a highly politicized life choice and he was making sure to vent his .02 onto you....crappy move. Very disrespectful. He wasn't trying to intelligently challenge you to think about things you hadn't thought of before..or shed some light with the true intention of alerting you to actual dangers. He wasn't being constructive at all. He was just tearing you down. I gotta tell you, I winced when you said that he lectured you like that for forty minutes. That kind of conversation would have lasted for about 40 *seconds*, had he been talking to me. But that's because I've been doing this mothering thing for a few years now, have dealt with a ton of negativity about my choices to be gentle, to not vax, to HB, etc and I've learned how to say "I'm not the fucking one, dude, don't talk to me like I'm a child or this meeting is over". You know?


So, take non-constructive, negative bullcrap lightly....and take well meaning, respect advice to heart. Learn to be fierce even in the face of overwhelming criticism and you will be a much happier mom for it. Stick to your guns, don't take crap...and you will be amazed at the community of supportive people you start to build up around you...having that drowns out the noise of people who aren't trying to be helpful and makes it much easier to deal with making "non mainstream" choices.


Your experience in being judged for your decision making is barely beginning. You will find that who you are as a parent is not something you sit down and decide one time...there is no map to follow...it's something which changes and shifts constantly as your child grows and needs different things and as your views change and you come into contact with new ideas. Big things, small things...sort of important things...not really important things...there are going to be people in your life trying to tell you what they think about all of it. You are going to need to get in a state of mind where you are able to collect your thoughts/information, make decisions as situations arise...and totally and completely shed the negativity and non-constructive nit-picking like it's water off a ducks back.


It's okay. All of us who decide we want to walk paths which are a little less well traveled face this in some measure, at some point. You are learning you first lesson as a mother...which is: How to walk on. You will find yourself doing that so much as a mom. When something isn't right, when someone is wasting your time shitting on you and making you feel bad when you know you're doing the right thing...walk on. Walk on, walk on and don't let people who don't have anything actually constructive to say about what you're doing shake you in your resolve.

Who is this dude, who was talking to you all high and mighty like he is a god of medicine? He's like everybody else. He isn't a super guru. He isn't even nice, for pete's sake. What do you care what he thinks of you? You don't. You can't.


Nobody gets to talk to you like that. Ever. You are a responsible, kind woman and you are someones mother. You are on this earth now to set an example for this small person....example number one: Nobody gets to shoot down your ideas "just because"....unless they have something constructive to add, their negative opinion is completely without value and you are not obligated to subject yourself to their foolishness.

Wow Broodywoodsgal That was aawesome ever thought of being a life coach? Coz I'm hiring you for sure!

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

Yeah this has happened to me too, and i've had both (all) my kids at home.  I'm in the UK, where homebirth is officially supported but individually frowned upon.

You've gotten some incredible responses.  And all i would add to it is maybe you could think over a few stock phrases to respond to such people.

When it's a professional i need (i.e. an Ob i was seeing with DD1 because my (mainly whitecoat) BP was climbing) i say "thank you for your professional perspective, we'll think it over and let you know when we make our decision".  If they are being emotive (you'll kill your baby!) i say "is that a medical fact?  I'm going to need you to cite studies if i'm to take it seriously".

When it's a professional i DON'T need (i.e. my GP when i had DD1 who i basically wanted to post my urine sample off and refer me to a MW) i say "Let's not get into it, i know everyone specialises in different areas and i do have a number of professionals with more appropriate levels of knowledge and experience on this topic at my disposal." in an acid tone so they can hear the "you are an idiot, shut up now." undertone nice and clear.

When it's a non professional i care about (IL's, concerned friends) i say "it's amazing what actual studies show about this, would you like me to bring you some?  It's so wonderful that you're concerned, i'd love to share what we've learned with you."

When it's a non professional i don't care about (nosy women at the school gate, people on buses) i say "Maybe you should have come over while we were making the baby to observe, since you're so obsessed with what goes on, and where, with my vagina" (DO use the word vagina, for some reason the people who think they have MOST right to dictate what you do with your body are usually also those who like to use euphemism and hint and not facts/correct terminology) and when they (invariably) slink off i say "yeah i didn't think so".

Think about the mama bear or the lioness.  We human females are conditioned to believe we are weak and with a child inside/on the hip even weaker.  But it's a cultural lie.  Every mammal has 2 dangerous groups, number 2 is an enraged male, but number 1, the most dangerous, is a female defending her young.  Get between a he-bear and his food and he might kill you (after he's calculated his personal risk and weighed up what the food is worth to him), get between a she-bear and her cubs and you're dead for sure (she will have killed you before she even considers if it's a good idea).  That's you now mama.  Those hormones that make female mammals so dangerous are yours too now.  Don't let people speak to you like you're a naughty child or an idiot.  As a grown woman carrying a child you are the EPITOME of responsibility.  HCG has many mechanisms within the human body, turning the mother into an imbecile who needs a big strong man with a medical degree to tell her what to do is not one of them.

GobecGO I looove your metaphor!

Travelmama: People can be really horrible at times but I can see you've already fgne past that! BTW I hadn't heard of such playlists yet I'd really love to know yours when you're through with picking the songs! Have a wonderful days ladies

[bethandanna]

Oh mama, so sorry to hear your heart is hurting. Assuming you are working with a home birth midwife. She can be a great deal of support to you in your journey. As for your GP, it's time to find a new one, but won't need one until after the baby arrives because your MW should be providing all your medical care in the interim. Also, you have tons a lifetimes more research on birth outcomes an your birth choices that (presumably) those around you and those providing criticism. When we were pregnant, we were cautious about sharing the news our home birth for this very reason. People can celebrate your pregnant with you without knowing where/how you will deliver. It's none of their business! And they don't usually respect that this is the first I many many well researched difficult decisions you will make as a mama.
Are you receiving support from your partner? Let thy person be a rock for you. Keep on truckin mama! Feel free to PM me anyone you need a listening ear!

[alaskanmomma]

Oh, momma *hugs*. What an absolutely awful thing to say to a newly expectant mother! 

I was told a few times with DS I should just "have a natural birth in the hospital if I don't want an epidural". No one could really grasp the fact it wasn't JUST the epidural that I disliked on that choice, nor did anyone take the time to ask me questions or research facts themselves. Thankfully, no one told me I was a baby killer, but I got a lot of the "WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE BABY?!"in which I would reply "If something happens, I fully believe it would happen regardless of where we chose to birth." 

 

[alaskanmomma]

Oh, momma *hugs*. What an absolutely awful thing to say to a newly expectant mother! 

I was told a few times with DS I should just "have a natural birth in the hospital if I don't want an epidural". No one could really grasp the fact it wasn't JUST the epidural that I disliked on that choice, nor did anyone take the time to ask me questions or research facts themselves. Thankfully, no one told me I was a baby killer, but I got a lot of the "WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE BABY?!"in which I would reply "If something happens, I fully believe it would happen regardless of where we chose to birth."