I'm a little hesitant to post this, but I'm going to, under the wonderful veil of some internet anonymity.
I am 29 weeks pregnant with our first. Don't get me wrong. This baby was certainly planned and wanted - I was an infertility patient who had success after just a few rounds of Clomid, so I feel like we got off easy there.
However, in the past week, I've been having a mini-freak out. Now I'm terrified of having this baby. I'm terrified of paying for everything it needs, being a successful working mother, terrified of how it will change my relationship with DH, terrified of what it will do to my career (you be a SAHM for a few years and you're out of date and getting back in is hard). Last night, I even said to DH "I don't want this baby anymore."
It scared and shocked him, since he is so darn happy about this baby. He reminded me that I wanted this baby, too. He's right. The fact that I had that thought and verbalized it to someone else scared me and I feel super guilty about it - deep down, I think I'm still excited about this baby. But the worry about handling it all has, I think, gotten in the way of enjoying this.
I've struggled with some major anxiety over the years and have previously done well on Lexapro. If I weren't pregnant and currently in this thought/behavior pattern, I would be heading straight back to my script for Lexapro, but I don't want to because I'm pregnant.
The most romantic thing DH has ever said to me was last night. In the middle of a major meltdown and verbalizing all of my fears to him, he looked me square in the eye and said "Delta... do you really think I would let anything happen to us?"
Rationally, I know we can handle this. I am a physician and DH is an engineer. We've been married for 6 years and have a strong relationship. We have a house. I've just about nailed down a daycare provider. I work in a breastfeeding supportive hospital. I know, like and have tremendous respect for our pediatrician. I know how to work a household budget.
I'm just so wracked with worry (mostly financial worries) about this that I started to think that maybe the worry wouldn't exist and everything would be okay if we just didn't have this darn baby on the way.
I just need to hear that others have maybe had these thoughts, though you'd never admit them in public, and that everything turned out to be fine and that you loved and bonded with your baby and met their needs.
Everyone around me is so darn happy for us. I'm just terrified. It seems like I should be able to rationalize myself out of this, but I'm worried that I'm not, if that makes any sense.
Thanks for listening.