Avigg,
I hear you. I have been through all those same things and only now am I getting some appreciation from the older ones. My 16 year old still sees me as his adversary.
I don't know if I can help because I also went through "infuriating" times. I think the parent who stays home has to be more of the disciplinarian and when the spouse arrives home, exhausted from work, they don't want to manage any issues and would just as soon avoid making the call. I do know that you and "hubby" have to be solid and together on the rules. If not, these boys will tear you apart. My boys never responded well to "talks". We had to write out everything in "if" and "then" statements. (ie: If you are not home by 10:00, then you will lose your cell phone for a week) My wife and I were both from the corporate world and we brought some of that home with monthly meetings where we actually printed out agenda's ahead of time and gave everyone some time to speak, but mostly wrote down expectations for the upcoming month. It has since faded to annual meeting, but the boys actually enjoy them now.(I think) Boys need to know that the rules and consequences will be enforced the same from both parents. If your husband and you can agree on a few basic rules and consequences, all you have to do is point it out to the boys and take the emotion out of it.
I hope something helps.
If nothing else works, know that while you're being the "bad cop", you're raising better children. Never give up on them, they will surprise you.
DW
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