Bomb was dropped.. (teen girl is pregnant) - Page 2

[greenmama]

I have to disagree with the people who said make sure she knows she will be going it alone.  Yes she probably will be going it alone, but if you say it she will be put in a position of defending the guy and won't see the warning signs herself because she is too busy defending him.  She also wouldn't be as likely to come to you because she would be afraid of "I told you so"  Keep the act that you like him but be understanding and supportive as she starts complaining about him. 

You can also start figuring that you are going to be helping her financially because even if he doesn't skip out, with just a GED his income is going to be so small he won't be able to contribute significantly.  For my step daughter the amount of financial assistance she was legally entitled to was so low based on ex-boyfriends income it made everyone's life easier to say fine I won't go after you for child support but you get NO parental rights... he jumped at that chance.  It's not what the courts would have done but all parties are happier this way.  We are more than happy to help step daughter financially and be very significant in granddaughters life.
 

[littlest birds]

I hope you are holding up okay.  I think right now the best thing for everyone will be getting into "make the best of it mode" and being loving.  You are terrified but your dd must be more so.  Even if she can't see all you can about how it is likely to turn out, part of her knows what she is facing and she will need help. 

I really hope that your family is finding your way right now.  Love to you!

[Casha'sMommy]

Wish I had all day to respond but I'm short on time, still didn't want to leave this without responding.

Your dd sounds angry without the pregnancy to add to it. I would urge her to attend therapy and get some of that garbage out, whatever it is she's carrying with her.

Adoption is always a positive solution. It's a win/win situation, imo.

Good and (((hugs))) to you both.

[RitesForGirls]

Hi, Great that you came here for support for you - there's a lot going on.

What I would add is to suggest that you take her to visit some teenage Mums with young babies and leave them to tell her the stuff she doesn't want to hear from you.  It will help her to get a sense of the reality of what is to come - and there's nothing like the honesty of one teenage Mum to another pregnant teenager.  If you don't know any yourself, perhaps there is a unit supporting young Mums near you who could put you in touch. 

Good luck and I wish for the very best for you both.

Kim

[FarmerBeth]

I think it would really help the whole family if you help your daughter find other teens in a similar situation.  I used to work with pregnant teens, and so many of them were able to finish education and have a healthy pregnancy and happy healthy babies, but with the support of others.  I'm in Canada, so a different health system, but I'm sure you could find access to a teen health centre, public health program with prenatal, family resource centre or something of the like where she could learn some good self care and baby care skills with other young women in the same situation.

By the way, I'm the proud daughter of two great teen parents who did their best (actually, DH has this in common with me).  Yes, we had little money when I was a small kid and they were starting out.  Yes, post secondary education happened late in life for them.  They were a little immature in hindsight.  But I, as the kid, got a lot out of them being young, too, and I have a very close adult relationship with them.  I'm very glad my grandparents (father's side)was supportive of all they did (they lived away from home, moved in with her and moved back out), They were there there no matter what and always spoke well of my parents and their choices, even when they were different from what my grandparents would have done. 

I hope it all goes well for your daughter and her child.

[blessedwithboys]

I got pregnant the day after I turned 17.  In my state, simply being pregnant meant I was emancipated.  (No, I didn't try to get pg to be free of my mother.)

That was a long time ago, though.  Ds is fixing to be 18. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Casha'sMommy 

Wish I had all day to respond but I'm short on time, still didn't want to leave this without responding.

Your dd sounds angry without the pregnancy to add to it. I would urge her to attend therapy and get some of that garbage out, whatever it is she's carrying with her.

Adoption is always a positive solution. It's a win/win situation, imo.

Good and (((hugs))) to you both.

Just wanted to say that adoption can be a positive solution, but certainly is not always a positive thing. Coerced adoption is always a bad thing, mothers should make their own choice about something that serious.

[Casha'sMommy]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 


Just wanted to say that adoption can be a positive solution, but certainly is not always a positive thing. Coerced adoption is always a bad thing, mothers should make their own choice about something that serious.

I'd like to clarify and say that I never suggested Mom should coerce her dd into giving her child up for adoption.

I happen to be from a situation where adoption came to be and know first hand that it can be a wonderful solution for all involved and think it should always be considered.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Casha'sMommy 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 


Just wanted to say that adoption can be a positive solution, but certainly is not always a positive thing. Coerced adoption is always a bad thing, mothers should make their own choice about something that serious.

I'd like to clarify and say that I never suggested Mom should coerce her dd into giving her child up for adoption.

I happen to be from a situation where adoption came to be and know first hand that it can be a wonderful solution for all involved and think it should always be considered.

I realize you didn't say that mom should coerce it. You did however say, "Adoption is always a positive solution. It's a win/win situation, imo." (bolded mine)

And, quite frankly, I don't think it should "always" be considered. *I* was told to consider adoption when I was pregnant with my now 3yo by people in my ddc here on MDC. (Could have been people waiting to adopt - don't remember - but they crashed my ddc and posted on a thread that I should consider it since I clearly wasn't ready to be a mom) It was inappropriate of someone who didn't even know me, or my situation, only my age, to tell me that I should consider adoption and go through counseling to help me consider my options. I was 23 when I got pregnant, and 24 when my ds was born. It was insulting.

FWIW, my brothers are adopted, so I'm not anti-adoption. I just think that the OP knows what her dd's options are, and is not on here looking to be told what those are. The OP does have at least 17 years parenting experience (and maybe more - for all I know her 17yo dd is her youngest).

[pr mom]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you're getting some amazing advice. I just want to add that you are absolutely not a failure. I wonder if there is someone else who would talk to her for you, maybe another young parent. I think sometimes kids have trouble listening to their parents and would take the exact same advice from someone else. She's going to need you and she'll realize that soon. I'm 34 and wish I had my mommy there to help.

I wouldn't keep her from seeing her boyfriend. He's the parent just as much as she is and it might backfire by her moving out to be with him.

[Caneel]

My DC is in the childhood years but I saw the title and read this thread.  Maybe what I little experience can share will ease your mind a bit.

My mother's second full-time job when I was growing up was badgering me every single day about how a teen pregnancy would ruin my life, how I would be forced to have an abortion or leave the house forever and how I was required to tell her when I wanted to have sex.  Had Depo been on the market back then, I have no doubt she would have had me injected while I slept.  I told her every single time that "yes mom, I will certainly tell you when the thought crosses my mind."  Did I? No and she lost her mind when she found out I "lied to her."  She was blind with rage and I didn't even get pregnant, she happen to find a wrapper the 2nd time I had sex.

I have come to learn that many teen girls also broke their mother's "trust" when it came to not letting them be the first to know prior to the teen having sex so I would try to not beat yourself up about that part of the situation.   You didn't fail.  Involving mom in advance planning sounds good but I think very few teens have the emotional maturity to follow through.

My gut feeling from watching many other teen pregnancies  in my high school (sadly it was not uncommon or even that frowned up) as well as young, single adults is that the best outcomes came from parents that were/are supportive, even if they were screaming inside.  

I am the daughter of teen (high school age parents) and things turned out ok.  And like others mentioned, teen dad wasn't involved even when they were married and split as soon as he could.  Not having him in my life has not hurt or damaged me in any way.  I hope your family will have brighter days ahead.

[Casha'sMommy]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I realize you didn't say that mom should coerce it. You did however say, "Adoption is always a positive solution. It's a win/win situation, imo." (bolded mine)

And, quite frankly, I don't think it should "always" be considered. *I* was told to consider adoption when I was pregnant with my now 3yo by people in my ddc here on MDC. (Could have been people waiting to adopt - don't remember - but they crashed my ddc and posted on a thread that I should consider it since I clearly wasn't ready to be a mom) It was inappropriate of someone who didn't even know me, or my situation, only my age, to tell me that I should consider adoption and go through counseling to help me consider my options. I was 23 when I got pregnant, and 24 when my ds was born. It was insulting.

FWIW, my brothers are adopted, so I'm not anti-adoption. I just think that the OP knows what her dd's options are, and is not on here looking to be told what those are. The OP does have at least 17 years parenting experience (and maybe more - for all I know her 17yo dd is her youngest).

I'm sorry you were insulted by unsolicited advice. I think those of us responding in this thread are knowingly discussing a teen and not a 23yo young woman. We're also aware of the fact that the teen being discussed is going through more than just a pregnancy. I do believe OP clearly stated she isn't sure what to do next. I'm not here to defend my statement on adoption.

All that being said, I'll remove myself from this thread so as not to draw attention away from the OP and her original question/s.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Casha'sMommy 

I'm sorry you were insulted by unsolicited advice. I think those of us responding in this thread are knowingly discussing a teen and not a 23yo young woman. We're also aware of the fact that the teen being discussed is going through more than just a pregnancy. I do believe OP clearly stated she isn't sure what to do next. I'm not here to defend my statement on adoption.

All that being said, I'll remove myself from this thread so as not to draw attention away from the OP and her original question/s.

Right, but the OP isn't pregnant. Her dd is. The adoption choice lies with OP's dd. Not OP. (and she never said that she didn't know what the options were - just that she didn't know what to do) And just b/c we're discussing a teen doesn't mean that adoption has to be an option, or that it would be positive.

[jdsf]

As someone who became a parent at 22, I still work a crappy job even though I have a Bachelor's degree because I don't have the time or resources to go back to school. Obviously, kids are more important than money, but having children before you have "all your ducks in a row" makes everything that much harder. My mom was in school when I was little, and she didn't get a "good" job until I was in college and is massively in debt from raising me and my brother on credit cards because she made "too much" to qualify for welfare even though it wasn't enough to cover the basics. I have accepted the fact that I will probably never "make anything of myself" besides being the best parent I can be, but I do feel a lot of guilt that my mother sacrificed so much for me and now I'm in the exact same situation she was. No one should be forced to put their child up for adoption, but if she has any dreams beyond being a mom, it's probably the smartest one.
 

[PoppyMama]

In Texas 17 year olds can leave home and school and really don't have to do anything you say. You can control whether they live with you or not and that's where it ends. I find the idea of forcing a person in late third trimester who will reach legal adulthood the next move against their will mind boggling. Please seek counseling as a family and let your dd grow up. Right now she is going to flunk to spite you. I realize shes being an immature pain in the butt but you need to stop being part of the problem even though that will be very hard and ego sacrificing. Let this be about her and don't project your fears and preconceptions on her even if they are statistically sound. Remember the father has legal as well as moral rights and alienating him before he even has a chance to step up or screw up is a mistake. Really- in the matter of this baby your dd has rights and the father has rights and when the baby is born the baby will have rights- you are the one who doesn't. I know your dreams for her feel crushed and you feel helpless and like you need to grasp at whatever you think will make this better but at this point your dd becoming an adult will probably be the best step to success. You might even consider looking at maternity type homes with her to see if that would let her focus on her maturing better.

[Funny Face]

I've never been in your shoes and don't have teens yet but wanted to offer you a hug. 

You've gotten so much good advice. I hope that in the end this brings you and your family closer together and that your daughter is able to make the best decisions for her and her baby. 

[marlne]

Well I'm updating and and at Further Loss here..  this all may be jumbled too, sorry in advance.

My daughter left and I hadn't reported her as a runaway.  I didn't know what to do, she said she would stay with her boyfriends family for a little bit and wanted to show me she can do this.  Well, after a bit of time, I find that she and her boyfriend were kicked out of his dad's place and were staying in a tent on his sisters front porch.  I told her to come home, she said no.  Then a couple days later, her boyfriend's family told her about a place for girls who are pregnant and homeless or abused.  They took her there and she told the place that she was kicked out of her home and homeless, so they took her in.

She called me and asked me to let her stay there and sign some papers.  I then got sick and had a sick household as well, so I left things as they were so we could get better.  During that time, I had found out she was telling everyone I kicked her out and people (adults even) were posting little snide comments about me on facebook (just lovely).

She told her teachers i kicked her out, her counselor, everyone..  I contacted the home she was at and told them she was never kicked out. 

I also found out she was ditching school during this time and was furious with the home.  I asked the home if they were letting her skip school even, and they said no, she had been going. (she was lying to them as well about this)

The rules there are that she has to attend school or she's out.  So she's now going to school as of this past week but has also been allowed to do whatever she wants over there because I havent signed some papers. Basically they are letting her use them as a crash pad until I sign her over or bring her home.  I don't know what the paper really is but I was told it was to allow them to get her medical care incase of emergencies and have contact with her school regarding her.  My husband says no way, don't sign, bring her home. 

My daughter refuses to come home.  She knows that in September we are moving to California (have to move, military related) and she doesn't want to be away from the baby's father.  She and the baby's father are no longer together but she is keeping hope they are going to get back together.  He wants to go out and party and have fun and keep her on the side and she's letting him.  My daughter would rather be considered homeless and tell everyone she was kicked out with no family to help her.  (that hurts so much)  She wants nothign to do with me anymore, say's I'm ruining her life and causing too much stress on her. 

I found that she tried to contact a tattoo shop to see if she could get a tattoo while underage and w/o parent consent.  She's not thinking clearly, she's been telling friends she's moving to Indiana also.  (she has always been a compulsive liar but others don't know this)

I don't know what to do.  It was my fault letting her go to her boyfriend's house.   I was told just a bit ago that I can't file a runaway paper on her because I know where she is.  That basically they are a "missing persons" report.   I can't force her to go to counseling either from what the behavioral mental health center told me today as well.

So now I have to figure if I want to go bring her home and risk what will happen here and have my other two kids have to go through the turmoil as well (she will threaten my other daughter's life again I'm sure and my 6yr old doesn't need to be near that.  My 15yr old shouldn't have to live in fear either in her own home) or let her go.  Although, my husband says no way should I sign any paper.  If I don't sign a paper, she can't stay at the home as far as I know. 

I don't know what to do.  I feel so lost, confused and alone on this.  Unfortunately my husband isn't even in the U.S. and can't come home for this.

[One_Girl]

I suggest checking out the resources and support the home offers. It could be a very positive thing for this situation. I worked at our local home for pregnant and parenting teens and it wasn't a free for all. They had two social workers, a school on site, parenting classes, breastfeeding support groups, structured activities, and chores while also being fully responsible for their clothing, children, and belongings. The dorm has since shut down but they were a good resource for girls who needed to transition to being a parent without the interference of their parents pulling them into the fighting for freedom stage teenagers tend to have with parents.

[PoppyMama]

I know how you feel about your child leaving a getting sympathy from others by saying you abused them/kicked them out. It's humiliating, hurtful, just downright crushing really but it's very common so don't feel like you're the only one.

Given your particular situation I would absolutely sign that paper. Tell the center and your dd that while you did not kick her out or abuse her it's obvious that needs something you can't supply right now and that you love her and will be there for her when she needs you. She's going to be 18 soon and there really isnt anything you can do by force anymore. Nothing will be done if you report her as a runaway and you can continue to find her yourself and drag her home but what will be the cost of that for your families well being. I would bet money that a judge would let her stay if you try to force her to move with you.

[marlne]

I called my daughter today and asked her if she'd be interested in me taking her to lunch.  She said okay and gave me a short tour of the home as well.

Unfortunately the home just seems to be more like a "crash pad" to me.  They even let my daughter go out on a weekend and not have to come home until sunday.  She uses that to spend it sleeping with her friend.. 

I know she's almost 18 but I really am wondering if it would be best to bring her home atleast until we move.  She's NOT homeless, she has a home right here.  She's still my daughter no matter how old she is and there is no sense in her using something available to people who could really be needing it right at this moment. 

I don't know what I'm going to do at this moment still.  She's using whomever she can to get freedom.   Her biggest thing she keeps telling me is that she can't leave the baby's father.  Interesting though that I told her we had two choices in where we move to next, with one of the choices being back to Oahu.  And she immediately said if we had chosen Oahu, she'd come with us in a heart beat. Hmmm....