It's been a long time since I was last a regular here. Life has me occupied big time and I don't know if anyone will remember me, but I could use the wise words of all you clever women, so any input or resource you can help with will be greatly appreciated.
My story is this. I am a single mother of three children, ages 5, 6 and 8. Approximately 4 years ago I left their father who was verbally abusive and mentally very unstable. It was hard work escaping that relationship, but I think I've done well for me and the kids . They have visitation with their dad every other weekend and every other holiday (roughly) and that seems to be going well. I could write a novel about all of that here, but it's not really relevant for my current situation except I am living alone with my children.
After leaving ex, I met a man that I fell head over heels in love with. As in big big love, the kind that you only experience very very rarely. For me at least and I thought for him too. But he left me very abruptly and unexpectedly on our 1 year anniversary, claiming he did so because I want more children and he didn't and he didn't want to waste my time.
I was 32 at the time. I broke after that. Fell into a deep black pit that it took me more than a year to climb out of and though I am pretty determined not to go back down there again, it will be forever part of me, that bottomless pitt of grief and regret. I was a whole person before that. Now I am - well less of one.
I met another man after that. Probably too soon after but that is beside the point. I am currently in a relationship with him and he is a really really great guy, honest, decent, intelligent etc. He has stuck by me through my depression, heartbreak and misery and has been there supporting me whenever I had any need at all. He is a reasonable choice by every possible measure but one. My hearts just not really in it. I am sticking around because I don't want to be without him, not because I can't live without him - if that makes any sence?
Im 35 years old. I thought eventually after my horrible heartbreak experience I would find myself in a situation where moving in with a man and having more children together would be a real option. But I am starting to doubt I will find myself in such a situation in time to still be fertile, and it's freakin me out.
When I met heartbreak-guy I was certain that all would be fantastic. I actually realised something I had never known before. True love is possible. Rare but possible. Then I realised what that COSTS! You will only know if you've been there. And I reckon the chances of experiencing that once again in a lifetime are very very slim indeed and even if I should, the risks associated are too great. Another experience like that would emotionally mutilate me for life and I am not sure I would be able to crawl back out of the pit of depression if I was to take another blow like that.
So I am with sweet, responsible, honest, wonderful and trustworthy guy. And I want more children.
I have wanted a number 4 ever since - well ever since I started making number 2. My boyfriend lives 2 hours from me and for the past two years we have met mostly during our child-free weekends (every other weekend) and holidays, and he wants us to move in together in his town because his children are there and he has visitation 6 days of 14 so he can't move away. But I wont and I have told him so. Right now this relationship is ok, but I wont plan on us being together long term. I want a baby while I can still have one and he knows this. He also knows that I mean business and that I have considered the option of finding a sperm donor and going it alone if that is what it will take to have another child.
Now I would very much prefer to have him as the father rather than some unknown sperm sample from a lab. I trust him. He is a thoroughly good person and I know that as a father he is awesome and second to none. But understandably he doesn't really see the greatness of my plan. In other words, if I want to be a single mom, I need to break off with him and ride along into the sunset - alone.
And now I have absolutely no freakin' idea what to do next.
I want a baby so bad. It's not just a "right-now" wish. It's something I have known I want for years and years, but now I just see my time slipping away. I am at the crossroads right now. I need to make some kind of decision about what I want out of life, and how far I am willing to go to get it. (deception is out of the question) For the past years I have been maintaining status quo but it just won't do anymore.
I could break this relationship off and give dating yet another shot, but like every other woman in her mid thirties I feel like I need to be realistic. I have been in the dating business for almost 20 years now. I am an attractive woman, intelligent, passionate (with the right guy) emotionally mature and stable (except when someone chops up my heart in little pieces) and I can laugh at the guy-jokes.
In other words I am a catch, and still this whole love thing has brought me nothing but trouble and grief, and thinking I will magically manage to land the one right guy within the next couple of years - in time for us to make a baby together and start a happy family - is just - well not rational or realistic on any level.
So that leaves me with the sperm donor option and a pandoras box of questions like;
How will I manage a baby on top of everything else (I will, it will be hard and I may die trying but it should be doable) Is that really what I want? I mean - I had my hopes up for a love-baby with my one true love, now that is not going to happen. Do I really want an anonymous guy to be the biological father of my baby? What will baby say when he/she grows up? Is it fair? If I want to do it then how much longer do I dare to wait, considering the age-determined declining quality of my eggs? How about my career? Not that I ever really got started but I do have a bachelor and recently started a masters program as well so I am educated at least. How about love if I choose to have a fourth baby on my own? Since I wont be able to ship baby off to dad every once in a while, I will be effectively very hard to date, and how would a future partner feel about a fatherless baby? Everyone will think I am crazy - not that I worried about that before, but it's still a fact.
Anyway that is pretty much my situation. I need to make some sort of decision - even if that decision is just putting these plans on hold for a definite amount of time - like a year for instance. But if that is what I do, how should I spend that year? So many questions and choices it's making me dizzy. Any kind of input is welcome. Thanks for reading this far..
Edited by Seie - 4/18/12 at 3:45pm