Having your other child(ren) at your home birth. « Back to Group Discussions

[Mittens]

Is anyone doing this, or has anyone done this in the past? We are considering this with our DD, who will be 4 months shy of 3 years old when our new baby arrives. Thing is, we had a home birth with DD, and she was posterior so i had back labour, and i yelled and swore a lot during my very fast labour. Even after having taken hypnobirthing. That went out the window with the back labour, let me tell you. I have a feeling this baby will also be posterior, seems to be the way my body is shaped, though i will still do all of the exercises to encourage the baby to turn.

Anyway, hoping for some reassuring stories of home births with other children present!! We were thinking of inviting a close friend or relative to be with DD during the whole thing. Plus there will be 2 or 3 midwives at various times throughout.

Thank you!!

[goin' green]

If you decide to have her there, I'd definitely arrange care for her.  We had DS at DD's home birth, and even though he knew the midwife and assistant and doula, he was very stand-offish and wanted nothing to do with the whole thing.  As a result, hubby was with him the whole time, and hardly ever with me (which was fine - he needed to be with our son).  This time around, I know I want him with me, so I'm going to hire a 2nd doula or something for childcare (nearest family is 2.5 hours away, and closest neighbor is moving before the birth so we can't send them over there).  

[goin' green]

Oh - and we talked with DS a LOT about what all would happen - mommy might yell or say bad words (I didn't at all - I was very internalized) and read books (welcome with love) and talked about it tall extensively.  When it came down to it - he was just freaked out and wanted nothing to do with it.  They came in the room just long enough to see her born, and he was not happy, so they promptly left.  

[Ava's Mama]

Mittens - I did not have a home birth with DD, but I am planning one for this birth.  I plan on having DD home and have asked one of my close friends to be in charge of her care. DD loves my friend and vice versa.  Basically I want DD to be around to meet new baby, but I know that I want DH to be able to be with me and not tending to her.  My labor with DD was short and at night, so I am guessing that most of the care will be feeding her, putting her to bed etc, but we will see.  I am trying to think of other people to ask, but I am totally stuck.  I do not want my mom there.  I thought about MIL or her sister, but I don't think they fully support HB, so I don't really want any negative energy in the house. My remaining close friends are far away or already have a house full of kids.  Sorry, this doesn't really answer your questions!!

[JuicyPakwan]

I completely agree with the having a person just for the child/ren attending they can be very distracting to the laboring mom.  For me the noise of my own  small children makes me crazy in labor however we will be having my older children there ages 8-11-13 but have two peole to watch and make sure they are okay and they have the option to stay or leave at any point. 

If you want to I would totally go for it.  I have seen many births where the kids did great and it was a very positive experience for everyone and some where they had to be taken out which is why it would be great to have a flexible pland with someone they love and trust to take them out and keep it very positive experience for them. 

[Carlin]

Thanks for starting this thread! I'm struggling with the same issue. DD will be 3 years 3 months and I'd love to have her there for the birth but.... My main concern are that we have a very small house, so there's not really anywhere for her to get away if she needs to. That also means that if I have someone come to look after her, I'd suddenly have more people around than I reallyy want to.  I also know that if we have a birthing pool in the house she'll want to be in it, and as much as I want her around  I don't know if she'll be able to understand that essentially she'll need to leave me alone, something she's not particularly good at. :) 

We definitely will have the option of sending her to my Mom and Dad's (who she loves) but one of the reasons for choosing a homebirth was so I don't have to worry about timing and logistics and suddenly that would be an issue again.

So basically, I have absolutely no advice. :D I'll be watching this thread closely though!

[Flower of Bliss]

Last time my DD1 (less than a week shy of 3) was at the home birth.  We also watched birth videos, read books, and talked about how it would go.  I labored during the night and she woke up when I hit transition and started screaming (I've been told I really wasn't that loud).  She came in the room for a bit, but mostly played downstairs.  It was a quick labor.  She was awake for under 2 hours before DD2 was born.  I had someone there just for her.  She came in the room right after DD2 was born, and was immediately on the bed with us.  She was beyond thrilled to have her sister here (even months later she would tell me "My sister is HERE").  She did the herbal bath with me and DD2, which she has very fond memories of.  DD2 knows that story well.  I was very glad she was there.  I also had a list of people available to take her in case the labor went very long, or I ended up with a transfer or something. 

I do wish I'd had someone staying with us to help with DD1 the next day.  DH and I were up all night for the labor.  DD2 was born at 5am.  At around 8am everyone left and we all went to sleep, but by 10 or 11am, DD1 was up for the day and DH was taking care of all 3 of us on just 2-3 hours of sleep.  He was a zombie the first 48 hours.  The next morning I got up first, went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen while DH and the girls slept.  I wasn't (and still am not) resentful.  He really needed to sleep.  I'd spent the day before in bed.  I didn't wake him first.  However, I'd like to line up someone to be here with the girls after the birth this time around so DH and I can rest and focus on the baby and on family bonding instead of on meals, naps, potty trips, and such.

This time we're doing another home birth and I haven't figured out exactly how we'll handle the kids during the birth, but I plan for them to be home.  We're having the midwife, her backup/assistant, a birth doula, and a birth photographer (both personal friends who I really want to have there).  I'm not sure who else to ask, and I'm starting to feel like it'll be a LOT of people...  I keep thinking maybe between the photographer and the doula the kids would be covered, but the more I think about it the more I know they need their own support person.  No clue who that will be.  I tend to have fast labors and our nearest family is 4-6 hours away by car.

[Carlin]

Flower of Bliss, thanks so much for sharing that! I hadn't thought of the next day, but having someone for DD then sounds like a great idea.

[nukuspot]

My DD is going to be 3.5 and I do not want her in the house during the labor. I had a really long and hard labor last time and I think having to focus on her if she got freaked would be too much for me to handle. I had hyperemesis for the first 4 months of this pregnancy and she followed me into the bathroom and watched and asked me questions every single time I threw up. It was overwhelming to me and I don't want that in labor. We are planning for my mom to fly here at 38 weeks. Her job is just to take care of DD. I do not want my mom at my labor either, she's super worried all the time and I don't want that energy there. So they are both going to stay out of the house but will be called back as soon as baby is born. We built a Mother in law apartment on our property last summer so we have a uniqueness in that is where they can stay. However it's really really small so I hope I don't have another long labor as I think they will get bored! I keep trying to convince my mom to take my car and go to the park with her or something but my mom is too paranoid to drive anywhere alone with DD. So I'll have to download tons of cartoons on my IPad and give it to them and hope for the best.

[nukuspot]

If you are going to have a toddler there the book "Welcome with love" or "Hello baby" (same book) are great to read to them in advance.

[help007]

My due date is mid-september, so my mom is hoping to stay with us for the whole month of september. That helps a ton. My older son was 16 months when my younger son was born, and he slept through the birth. They'll be 4 and 3 come September, and if for some reason my mom isn't in town, I have no idea what we'll do. For my other births, I was very dependent on my husband's support, so I know we'll need some kind of extra help. We have no family nearby, and our only friends all have small kids, so it would be a huge imposition to have them come over or take the kids to their places for any extended amount of time.

[Flower of Bliss]

I second the recommendation of Welcome with Love.  I also personally LOVE the book Wind Rose.  When I was pregnant with DD2 I wrote this post of reviews of new baby books: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1049817/older-sibling-books-my-personal-reviews/0_60.

[judybean]

I've been reading responses here and following along to see what others say because I'm uncertain what I'll do too.  My first three births were in a hospital, so any children (well, after the first) were with either my parents or MIL (my parents and my MIL live in town! It's great!).  With dd4 we had to travel out-of-state to have her because homebirth attended by a midwife was illegal at the time... we had dd4 at a house my midwife used for clients from my state... "birth and breakfast" she called it! The older three stayed with my parents I think... or... maybe at MILs... gosh, I can't recall... But anyway, this time, the birth will be in our own home!  My girls are 10, 8, 6, & 2... to have somebody here to watch them, plus the midwife and her apprentice... and dh, and me... AND a friend that I really want to take pictures of the birth... that's eight people already!!  Our house isn't *that* big!  I'd almost want to keep them here for shock value (yeah, many family members on both sides think I'm already looney for having a homebirth and they've joked with the older girls about watching... but they don't realize it *could* be a possibility.. lol).  ... but... I'm quite an internalized person when it comes to labor and I'm not sure I want a lot of other people around.  Gah! Such decisions!

[MadiMamacita]

I had a conversation about this with my midwife (and close friend) and when I said I was planning to have DS out of the house for the birth she said she wishes she could go back in time and make other arrangements for her DD (3.5) during her latest birth. She said DD didn't get why mama didn't want her around and asking a bunch of questions and wanting to hang on her and be looked after, and that for weeks afterwards her DD would say things like "Mama, during the birth you asked me to be quiet during a contraction and that really hurt my feelings."

I'm hoping my mom will be with me at the birth and my dad will take DS to their house. My dad is the best man in his brothers wedding in WA state a few weeks after my EDD so hopefully those won't coincide, but if they do I have a couple friends who I would feel ok with asking to take him overnight if we needed.

[ilovejeff]

When we were planning to have the baby at home, the plan was for my cousin (dd's favorite person in town) to come hang it and be her person, but to take her out of the house if necessary. Now that we'll be at the birth center in Seattle, where my family is, my sisters and mom will be with dd, and will be at the birth center or not, as per what dd and I need at the time. Dd will be within a month of 3.

Flower of bliss, great book review! I need to order some of these.

[Mittens]

This is so great! Thank you all for your input, i really appreciate it. Also love your book reviews Flower of Bliss. Can't wait to pick those up!

My biggest worry about having DD at the birth, in another room of our house with a friend or relative while it is happening, is that she'll get traumatized seeing or hearing her mommy in pain. She's never seen me like that, and I worry it might frighten or shock her. My main midwife (who i haven't met yet because she was on vacation) apparently witnessed her siblings births, so I am looking forward to asking her her opinion and any suggestions she might have. If she says anything different from anything shared here, i'll be sure to come back and share it with all of you. These ARE such big decisions and such personal ones!

[pure]

My daughter was a few days shy of two when I had my son. My friends daughter was was just over 3 was also there and they entertained each other through labour and then both sat beside the pool and witnessed the birth. It was awesome. My daughter hopped right in the pool as soon as her brother was born and that was it...no jealousy, no where was mommy, just smooth, seamless transition to sisterhood.
We prepared a lot beforehand by watching videos and LOTS of roleplaying. The other little girl's mom is now a midwife so birth was very normal to her too.

[BRC_MacKenzie]

I'm really struggling to find a good answer for this. My DD will be ~28 months when I'm due and is right now, very attached to me and dad and pretty much hates everyone else! She's had a few traumatic experiences with doctors recently as well (dog bite on face requiring stitches while strapped down and very unfriendly nurses getting mad at me because she wouldn't stop crying, then last month has issues of rectal prolapse and had to have rectal exams, etc). Right now she goes with me and DH to the midwife appointments and even though mw is dressed in casual clothes and sometimes has her 3 year old with her and the most "invasive" thing she has seen the mw due to me is take my temperature with a forehead scanner, she still freaks out. She even loves to look at her birth book which shows the very same midwife holding her! 

But I really don't have anyone to come. My in-laws live far away and having my MIL hear waiting for me to go into labor would be stressful even if DD was comfortable with her, but she isn't. My mother passed away in november so I'm still really emotionally about not having her here with me for this pregnancy and labor - I always assumed she would be the one to be here with me for my later labors to watch the kiddos. My DD does love my dad but he still lives 5 hours away and has a crazy traveling job, plus, well, he's a guy. I know he's my dad, but even if they were out of the house once really got going, it just seems weird.

My best option is to try and get my two SILs to come. DD is somewhat familiar with them and I don't think I'd mind having either at the birth. They both work but if I'm hoping they could each swing 3-4 days off so I'd just be praying that baby decides to come within a few days of the due date (have one come for the few days before dd, one after giving me about a week?)- but that's a gamble. My back-up would be a good friend and next door neighbor who has also had a homebirth (so i know she'd be supportive of my birth choices). She could easily take my DD up with her and her kiddos during the day or leave her kids with her husband to come down and be around here if its the middle of the night, just in case DD wakes up (who am I kidding, shes 22 months and has slept through the night 1x so far!) or in case I need to transfer. DD knows neighbor really well, we see her and her kids several times a week since she was born, but she still is far from being comfortable with her and would not be okay with her holding her or probably even touching her. So that sounds good in theory but our house is little and if my girl wakes up, she will not be happy with anyone but me or hubby. I really really needed my DH with me last time so I won't want him to leave but neither will I want to listen to her cry. I guess we'll just try and use these next few months to get her used to spending time with other people but it is hard. The only time I've left her with someone (my dad) was when the dog bite happened so its hard for me to do that again (although it wasn't my dad's fault at all) and it could just as easily happened when I was there. 

So I'm really no help at all but I can sympathize with the stress of trying to figure it out.

[Flower of Bliss]

Originally Posted by BRC_MacKenzie 

I'm really struggling to find a good answer for this. My DD will be ~28 months when I'm due and is right now, very attached to me and dad and pretty much hates everyone else! She's had a few traumatic experiences with doctors recently as well (dog bite on face requiring stitches while strapped down and very unfriendly nurses getting mad at me because she wouldn't stop crying, then last month has issues of rectal prolapse and had to have rectal exams, etc). Right now she goes with me and DH to the midwife appointments and even though mw is dressed in casual clothes and sometimes has her 3 year old with her and the most "invasive" thing she has seen the mw due to me is take my temperature with a forehead scanner, she still freaks out. She even loves to look at her birth book which shows the very same midwife holding her! 

But I really don't have anyone to come. My in-laws live far away and having my MIL hear waiting for me to go into labor would be stressful even if DD was comfortable with her, but she isn't. My mother passed away in november so I'm still really emotionally about not having her here with me for this pregnancy and labor - I always assumed she would be the one to be here with me for my later labors to watch the kiddos. My DD does love my dad but he still lives 5 hours away and has a crazy traveling job, plus, well, he's a guy. I know he's my dad, but even if they were out of the house once really got going, it just seems weird.

My best option is to try and get my two SILs to come. DD is somewhat familiar with them and I don't think I'd mind having either at the birth. They both work but if I'm hoping they could each swing 3-4 days off so I'd just be praying that baby decides to come within a few days of the due date (have one come for the few days before dd, one after giving me about a week?)- but that's a gamble. My back-up would be a good friend and next door neighbor who has also had a homebirth (so i know she'd be supportive of my birth choices). She could easily take my DD up with her and her kiddos during the day or leave her kids with her husband to come down and be around here if its the middle of the night, just in case DD wakes up (who am I kidding, shes 22 months and has slept through the night 1x so far!) or in case I need to transfer. DD knows neighbor really well, we see her and her kids several times a week since she was born, but she still is far from being comfortable with her and would not be okay with her holding her or probably even touching her. So that sounds good in theory but our house is little and if my girl wakes up, she will not be happy with anyone but me or hubby. I really really needed my DH with me last time so I won't want him to leave but neither will I want to listen to her cry. I guess we'll just try and use these next few months to get her used to spending time with other people but it is hard. The only time I've left her with someone (my dad) was when the dog bite happened so its hard for me to do that again (although it wasn't my dad's fault at all) and it could just as easily happened when I was there. 

So I'm really no help at all but I can sympathize with the stress of trying to figure it out.

Your neighbor sounds like a really great option - like minded, very close by, and readily available.  I personally would be a nervous wreck about trying to time out of town visits to help with a birth.  My first was born at 38w 0 days and my second at 40w 1day, so who knows when #3 will arrive for us.  Also, if you see your neighbor often, you can definitely be working with your DD getting comfortable with her.  And it would be easy for her to bring your DD next door to play, and bring her right back over as soon as the baby is born.  Maybe your SILs could plan to come help out for a few days after the birth, or once your DH returns to work? 

[ilovejeff]

BRC, your neighbor does sound like the best option. Maybe you can do some 'prep' in the next few months by leaving you DD alone with her? My DD was 22 months and VERY attached to me when a friend offered to watch her so that we could pack to move. I was SURE that I would get a phone call to come pick up my screaming kid, but she did great and didn't seem to mind that I was gone. Getting your DD used to being along with the neighbor might make the whole thing go much more smoothly for all involved.