Hi I'm Leah and I my EDD is 9/26, we're having a homebirth with a CPM (all fingers crossed). This will be my third baby, 1st home/midwife birth. I'm very excited.
I have some questions/concerns about myself and my toddlers at this point... I've read many many books about childbirth, hormones, cosleeping, breastfeeding, gentle mothering, etc etc etc. To be honest, it's mostly just made me feel like a piece of crap mom to my other two children. Like I did absolutely everything wrong and according to the US culture of living instead of by my personal instincts. So, these things I'm reading have just reminding me over and over again of how much I've sold out and just blended in with societies idea of normal and good (which, in all honesty, I've always completely disagreed with). Idk if I did because I didn't have support or because I just didn't know enough or if I was lazy or if it was easier to be a .... not so good mom or what. Probably all of the above, to be honest. But I hate it and I'm sick of feeling like I am pushing away impulses and instincts just to fit in or not be looked down on. In my family and/or circle of friends I have ALWAYS been "the bitch". I'm not REALLY a bitch... I don't hold judgements over people or what they do... I'm just not afraid to say that I don't care what everyone else is doing, I don't agree with it and someone how that labels me a bitch... WHATEVER..... I'm just so done hiding from the label so that people will stop seeing me that way because it's causing me to sacrifice who I feel I truly am as a mother. I'm pretty crunchy... when I can afford it and have energy, lol... I have a very natural outlook on life and have no problems saying that I think it's best when it's doable and affordable and I think it's lazy to come up with all these excuses to be more and more plastic... yet here I am..... I stopped breastfeeding before a year with both my boys when I would have loved to continue, I would have loved cosleeping and/or bedsharing but "when's DH gonna get his?!" and I hate that there seems to be more yelling, avoiding, no snuggling and even spankings (not the cute fun type but the "this is your discipline/punishment type) than anything else. My kids are good kids even through it all but I feel it's despite how horribly we've messed this up, not because of it....and I would love to stick up for natural birth, breastfeeding, organic living continually but then you are just outcast as the extremist and there goes any social life. I'm just so totally alone and angry and I've settled into this horrible lifestyle of "lazy homemaker" because I'm so put out about my own choices and by the people who made me feel like I had to be this way (and, no, in reality, I know it's no one elses fault but my own but that doesn't change my emotions).
It's just exhausting to smile when I feel like screaming, buying "animal by-product" when I really want to be a vegetarian, I want to breastfeed my kids for however long we feel like it, compost with or without a garden, recycle, eat healthier.... the list just goes on and on and seems totally doable.. it's where to start and how to not lose everyone on the way to actually revealing who I am inside and not losing a husband on the way too. I mean, he will always stand by my side but I'd rather him be happy there than "stuck with who he married".
This is totally long and I'm totally whining.. I just have no one else to whine to or to tell... my friends and my family would not and do not understand. I just don't know where to find like minded people or moms who can give me the support system I need and advice I need to keep going and who I can help as well.
I'm just so BLAH.