what is wrong with me?!

[misunderstood27]

Literally, my whole life has been a struggle. I was abused, neglected, and abandoned when I was two. Adopted mom became very ill and gained over 600 lbs. I had to do everything for her. She passed away 2 years ago. Went through some drug and alcohol addictions and severely abusive relationships from the age of 16 to 21. During that time I damaged many relationships, had frequent psychotic episodes in which I would get so angry that I would black out and hurt myself. When I was 22 I met my husband who "rescued" me. We have two children together, 3 and 4 years old. My daughter has severe behavioral problems that I don't know how to handle. I tend to either fly off the handle or ignore it completely. I know this is unhealthy, but I can't seem to break the cycle. It doesn't help that I have ocd, depression, anxiety, and the most recent diagnosis adhd. I'm on xanax 3x a day and adderall 2x a day. My psychiatrist has been trying different antidepressants, but they make me so nausiated and weak that I just can't function. My husband and I's relationship is almost nonexistent. I'm always so bitter and angry. So sick of taking care of his financial problems, pot smoking, everything is just fine attitude of his. Meanwhile, I'm in charge of all of the stress and fear for our future and the guilt that it's my fault our daughter acts the way she does. I got some super b complex vitamins today. It can't hurt to try. I'm miserable. I barely ever get a moment to myself and when I do, I feel awkward and out of place. I have no idea who I am.

[applecider]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Do you get much time to yourself to think and be alone? Have any friends you can vent to IRL? Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hope you can get to a better place!

[kythe]

Mental illness can be very hard to live with and it's often misunderstood by people around you.  Is there a way you can join a support group where you can vent your problems there?   NAMI has support groups for adults and for families of children with mental illness.  You will find that you are not alone, that there are many people who struggle with similar feelings.

I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD.  I also have a special needs son.  One thing I've been learning recently is to take care of myself.  It's hard, because I feel guilty and unworthy.  But I can't put my life together until I've learned to step back and go easy on myself, realize what my needs are, and do what is necessary to meet those needs.

[Emaye]

Hugs to you Mama. I am sorry to hear that you been dealt such a horrible hand but now you have to somehow make it work for you and your children. When it comes down to it, the choices are limited. Either you find a way to make it work or you drown in your situation further. It sucks but there is no way out. 

Seeing that this is how it is, start by taking care of yourself. Make sure you get meds that work for you and if the ones you are on are not working, change them. It sounds like your daughter needs your attention. As appealing as flying off the handle is during stressful times, try to step away from it all for a few so that it happens less. Experiment with different calming methods and figure out what works for you. 

Think about what you want. If your husband is not adding anything to your life, then imagine your life without him. What would that be like? Would it be more difficult or less? Would it be more lonely or less? Would there be more frustration or less? More stressful or less? What value does he really have in your life right now and why do you think so? Sometimes we blindly carry toxic people around with the idea that they are somehow indispensable. We spend  years and massive amounts of energy to fix a situation that is completely broken beyond repair. Is that what you have with your husband or is it something that can become a fairly functional, helpful and enriching relationship that both you thrive on? 

Take a good look at your future on your current path then envision a different one for yourself. Take a step at a time. Sometimes you will find you can leap ahead other times you may only be able to muster up a shuffle but take a step towards something better for the sake of yourself and your children. It will all be worth it. Besides, what other choice do you really have? It is clear that your current situation is not working for you!

[misunderstood27]

Thank you all for your advice. I know that things must change. It's very difficult when you have no friends or family that you can rely on. However, I have somehow managed to break out of my ocd routine and focus souly on playing with my kids today. It was lovely:) I have a long way to go, but I do at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again ladies!

[Emaye]

I am so glad to hear that you had a better day :) Hugs to you and your little ones. 

Originally Posted by misunderstood27 

Thank you all for your advice. I know that things must change. It's very difficult when you have no friends or family that you can rely on. However, I have somehow managed to break out of my ocd routine and focus souly on playing with my kids today. It was lovely:) I have a long way to go, but I do at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again ladies!