Anyone have "wannabe homeschool mom" friends?

[Hippie Mama in MI]

My two best friends and I were talking homeschool even before we all got married, got pregnant and had a bunch of babies. By the time our kids were preschool age, we had been talking homeschool for years. We discussed every angle in detail. We talked about the pros and cons of every method. We discussed which books and materials to use; what age to begin; all the things that were wrong with the public system. We talked about homeschool as something that we were totally committed to, definitely doing. There was no question that our kids would get  homeschooled.

Yeah. Or so I thought.

So when her twins turned 5, my loudmouthed friend Barbie tells me she'd enrolled them in kindergarten. Offhand, like. Like it was nothing out of the ordinary. Now, Barbie was the most outspoken of any of us about the homeschool issue; I'd heard her get into arguments with strangers over it. She didn't owe me an explanation, but I felt that such a drastic change of heart required SOME inkling of why.

Less than a year later, after trying to homeschool her sons for less than a month, my other friend Mia announced that she was enrolling them, too. She said, "We'll be driving to town on the weekdays anyhow, so they might as well go."

I was pretty heartbroken after that; and now my son and I are all alone. Homeschool was going to be something we did... together.

I'm not a bit sorry that we're doing it, though. He's doing wonderfully. My friends' kids, not so much. Three of them have been labeled "learning disabled" already. The other one is struggling terribly because he's too smart and bored and in trouble all the time.

My question is, has anyone else had this experience, with "all talk, no walk" homeschool mother friends?

[revolting]

It's hard to know how you're going to parent a school-aged child before you actually have one. I was pretty sure that I wanted to homeschool when my eldest was a baby and now that my oldest will be kindergarten age...well, I'm not as sure. I think it's normal to change your mind.

[Red Pajama]

I've had no one in my life plan to homeschool. One friend would love to, but her husband isn't on board, and she's unwilling to make that a fight.

At this point, if you want companionship, I'd seek out like minded people already homeschooling in your area.  It's probably that the reality of life, and all the expectations, is just too much for your friends. Perhaps things will change as time moves forward-- perhaps not. They owe it to their kids to make the best decicion they can for their family. They do not owe you a decision to homeschool.

And, it's completely possible, in regards to the twin parent, that homeschooling twins was too vast an undertaking. Maybe instead of "labeled" learning disabled, they actually are. Maybe she needs more help than she can find as a homeschooler.  Cut your friends some slack, and go your own way.

[ilovemygirl]

I'm going to agree that you just don't know until you are there. How many of us were going to be completely plastic, tv free, all organic, etc.?

If you would have told me four years ago that my kid would be sitting in the other room watching nickelodeon right now I would have told you it was insanity. I was sooooooo outspoken about being media free and especially from commercial crap but things change. I don't think it makes me a liar or anything. I just realized that when the time came I didn't feel the same as I did when it was just a theory of something I would deal with in the future. I hope that makes sense.

That said, your situation sucks and I'm so sorry you are feeling lonely. It must be so disappointing to say the least to have had this idea of working on something together and then being on your own. To be honest, I'm finding homeschooling to be a very lonely and hard place sometimes. I even had a thread here on mdc a while back about how lonely I was and how hard it was to make friends. In the end though, nothing is perfect and even though there are times I am so overwhelmed I could cry, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

When you are ready I hope you are able to find some other homeschoolers in your area that make you feel like you have that sense of togetherness again. 

[closedaccount13]

unfortunately, yes... 

it happened to me

the truth is that schooling is the societal norm, and it takes a great deal of energy to continue to walk the talk after children reach schooling age.  husbands, parents, in-laws, neighbors, clergy - they don't really take your decision seriously until september is approaching

[AAK]

While I wasn't "outspoken" about it since I had no friends who homeschooled, I always planned on homeschooling.  But then. . . well life happened and I enrolled dd in preschool and then kindergarten.  It wasn't until she was in third grade that I pulled her out to hs.  I like to think that if I had friends who also wanted to hs that I would have.  Not because I am a big "follower" or something, but because I think that having someone I already was friends and whose children got along with mine. . . that would have made such a difference.  But, who knows.  My oldest craved other children so much.  I was pregnant and had a toddler when it was time for kinder.  I realize that many homeschool while pg and with other children, but for me that was the life situation that tipped the scales.  

Anyways, just cause I started at the ps didn't mean I stayed.  Perhaps your friends will eventually homeschool, perhaps not.  I hope you have more in common that the prospect of homeschooling.  Regardless of how they school their children, it is nice to have good friends.  It sounds like they were good friends (are) but this situation is confusing you a bunch.  Have you ever asked them why (without judgement).

Amy

[moominmamma]

I assumed my kids would go to school, but by the time the eldest was 4 and a half, I'd seen who she was, and I had become the mother I am, and those two factors had changed my mind. We homeschool.

Parenting is almost always different than we imagine it, and we can't possibly anticipate the needs and particular traits of the children we are going to be raising. The more sure we are of how it will all be, the more likely we are to have a rude awakening. The mark of good parenting is being willing to change your practices based on what you observe that your child needs. I think you need to let it go. Your friends are different people raising different children and I'm sure they are doing the best they can for their particular families. Find yourself a homeschooling network to serve your homeschooling needs. Continue to nurture your friendships and support your friends in their choices even though they are different from yours. 

Miranda

[mom2ponygirl]

I didn't know I would be homeschooling until my daughter was nearly 5.  We decided when she was 5.5.  I met an entirely new group of people through homeschooling and had a great community.  However, now that high school has arrived, we find most of our friends have bailed.  It was a little tough, as they wanted/needed their kids to connect socially to their new schools which let our dd a bit out in the cold. It has been a transition, but one we are surviving and beginning to thrive in with time. 

[KellyandKatie]

If they are friends you want in your life, try to be compassionate and kind. 

Honestly my public schooling friends have been amazing support for me for homeschooling, they do not judge me or compare my kiddos to theirs. There are also so many amazing homeschool support groups out there.  Count your friends as your blessings homeschooling or not.

I think all parents day dream about what parenting will look like before they have kids.  And when I had one kid I had an idea about what having lots of kids would look like, and right now I have ideas about how I will parent them as teens... but I have learned that I really do not have a clue how it will all come out in the wash, but that would not stop me from dreaming and planning.  It's okay. And it's okay if things do not pan out as I wanted them to while I was still writing them down with pretty pens in those baby books lol

[sleepypeanutsmom]

I've somewhat experienced what you are describing.  A few different families that we know were homeschooling for the first few years and now their children are in school.  It was sad for me and my kids as we aren't able to get together as often, but we have kept up the friendship.  I wonder if it would be healing to you to have a set playdate once a week after school with your friends...maybe at a park when the weather is nice and at rotating houses when it is isn't.  This way you would still have regular contact. 

One thing constant is change.  We also have been involved with a homeschool group, meeting at the park once a week when the weather is nice.  That group changes also...there are people returning to school or moving away and new people coming in.  I agree with previous posters about finding a homeschooling group to widen your circle of friends.  It is not what you were expecting but you may meet some amazing new friends.  

I hear your disappointment regarding your friends' change of plans.  It is a bummer and it is ok to feel disappointed.  It is hard to experience loss of the "we were in this together" thing.  Hugs to you!  This is a great place to come for support.  When you are ready, take a deep breath, and plunge into the next chapter of this adventure.     

[AllyRae]

I agree...it's very hard to know how you will parent before you do.  It's kind of like the saying "everyone's a perfect parent...and then they have kids."  I was the person who would NEVER homeschool.  I didn't believe it was good for kids and no kid of mine would be homeschooled.

Then after 3 years of private school, I had to pull my autistic child out of school because he was falling behind and being bullied.   All three of my kids are now homeschooled.  You just never know. :)

[NellieKatz]

I had a similar experience, but I always just tell it as a funny story. My neighbor and I used to sit there nursing our babies and talking, and she said "wouldn't it be great to homeschool the kids; we could do it together, maybe create our own homeschool classes..." and that sort of thing. And I, exhausted and sleep-deprived as I was, would grimace and say "Oh no, as soon as he's old enough, he's going to school!"  LOL!! You know how that turned out. My friend ended up enrolling her kids in school, church events, lessons of all kinds....and we never see them any more. They live just two streets up but they are so busy, and when school vacation allows them time, they take the opportunity to travel out of town. (sigh) And I'm the unschooling/homeschooling mom. We totally switched places.

Go figure.

I guess I am sad about it. My son technically could walk up the street and play; they are our only same-age-kid neighbors. If they had homeschooled it would have been awesome. But they've gone in such a different direction.  And yet, I keep holding out hope that someday they will start to get to know each other all over again.

[Bleu]

The nice thing is when both you & your friend are so confident in your choices, or so supportive of each other, that it doesn't much matter -- and so it doesn't degenerate into a whole judgy nastiness that kills the friendship. Often it's easier for me dealing with schoolers who would never consider HSing than with "HS-curious" friends who have plenty of substantive critiques about school in 2012, yet don't trust themselves enough to DO it.

Remember, you may be a homeschooling family and your friend may be happily sending her kids off to public school NOW, but there are a lot of years left. Who's to say you both don't change a time or two between now and "graduation"? Could happen.

I understand your disappointment, but it would be a shame to lose a true friend over such a personal, individual decision. I hope you meet amazing homeschool families that broaden your circle, and then maybe you'll feel friendlier to your old friend who made a different choice. :) 

[NellieKatz]

I find that as a homeschooler, *I* am the one who is curious all the time, sort of desperate to know if my kid is at "grade level" which of course is what I am supposedly not concerned with. I find myself asking questions of my non homeschooling friends about what their kids are doing. One time recently I did ask another friend about what her kid was doing in school, and I think she took it as a critique, or felt that I was judging her......because she was the type of person who liked homeschooling and wanted to homeschool, but for whatever reason did not choose to do it, and felt bad about it. Another time she read something in a blog post I wrote, and took offense at it and dropped out of sight for a while....I only found out later that she had felt judged by what I said.

The point being, there are so many weird feelings that can happen between friends re: homeschooling.

[starling&diesel]

My oldest is only three, but we're already part of a homelearners playgroup.  I don't expect everyone who's involved now to still be homeschooling two, six or fifteen years from now.  From what I've heard and read and observed about homeschooling, families and kids come and go from it, depending on what their needs are given constantly changing circumstances.  I figure that attrition is at least fifty percent, so I am reaching a little farther afield to make sure that we have LOTS of connections so that when it comes time that my daughter's friends start going to school, we'll still have lots of HS friends. 

I think I could probably bet on who will or won't stick with homeschooling.  I wonder if I'll be right? 

My nearest and dearest mama friend is also planning to homeschool/unschool, and so we've been talking it up since the kids were infants.  

I make sure that while I enjoy our passionate discussions about the subject, I don't latch onto her as my sole support.  She might change her mind, and that's totally okay. 

Well, in all honesty, I'd be very sad.  But life goes on!
 

[LitMom]

Yeah, it happens. 

I wonder what will happen with DS' home-preschool program. Next year it's a few mornings a week, small group, low academics and heavy experiential learning. Excellent! He can hammer and cook and build ramps to his heart's content and a) I don't have to do it too since it's not my thing; b) he can do it with friends and a teacher who are also really into it; and c) we can build off of what he does there for more academic learning at home. But... none of the other families have had to do homeschool paperwork yet. I have, because we have an older child. I do worry that we'll lose a number of families the following year, when they have to be "official" homeschoolers or enter public/private. But there's nothing I can do about that. I just have to have faith that either it'll work out for them and they'll stay, or other fabulous families will show up to take their places. Or we'll find a different program for him! 

Edited by LitMom - 5/4/12 at 9:45pm

[Alenushka]

The ability to be good friends with people who are not like you has been lost in this society.

Your Friends do not owe you anything.  Note even an explanation. They changed their minds.

 Labeled "learning disability". Why is so hard to believe that some kids have learning or emotional disability and need extra help that qualified staff can provide for free at the public school?

My son was also bored in school but at same point honeschooling was not a good option for a kid who above all needed to learn how to get along with all people, not the   top 5% in IQ range. he needed mental health help.

Guess what? It is thank to public school that he graduate 2 years early and starting college this summer.

My homeshooling friend child? Not so much. Behind on everything Horrible relationship with her mom and they contemplating not just any school bu boarding school at this time.

I have friend whose homeshooled kids are doing really well. And friends whose public school kids are doing well . And vice versa

Different modalities work for different families and children

Some kids thrive at home, other in public school, other need private school or even therapeutic boarding school.

You Friend are not you, therefore they will make different decision in life.

[iowaorganic]

I have not had that kind of situation- but the ones where my friends are like "IO- you are so doing the right thing- that is how we all should do it- homeschooling is so awesome and our schools are so not awesome".  I am like "ok....  so...." and crickets chirp cause it is awkward.

[autumnvt]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel 

My oldest is only three, but we're already part of a homelearners playgroup.  I don't expect everyone who's involved now to still be homeschooling two, six or fifteen years from now.  From what I've heard and read and observed about homeschooling, families and kids come and go from it, depending on what their needs are given constantly changing circumstances.  I figure that attrition is at least fifty percent, so I am reaching a little farther afield to make sure that we have LOTS of connections so that when it comes time that my daughter's friends start going to school, we'll still have lots of HS friends. 

I think I could probably bet on who will or won't stick with homeschooling.  I wonder if I'll be right? 

My nearest and dearest mama friend is also planning to homeschool/unschool, and so we've been talking it up since the kids were infants.  

I make sure that while I enjoy our passionate discussions about the subject, I don't latch onto her as my sole support.  She might change her mind, and that's totally okay. 

Well, in all honesty, I'd be very sad.  But life goes on!
 

I agree... I have had close friends whom I have had many discussions about homeschooling and supporting each other, but in the back of my mind I have always kept a wee bit of distance, because even though people are interested in radical ideas, doesn't mean that they will really follow through....