I'm 41. I have two kids, ages 3 and 7. I've been thinking for the last few years that I might want a third. I guess I got it into my head and it just wouldn't leave. My husband I both have disconnected families. Our parents see our kids occasionally but don't offer us any support of help. We love our kids and like the idea of having a larger family since our kids will never know what its like to have family around for holidays. We wanted to change the pattern and have a close big family of our own. But even when I tried to get pregnant I felt an awful regret. I don't know why I even tried. I thought I should just get through the fear and finality of a pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I hoped that it wasn't true. Now, I'm sitting here waiting to miscarry. I'm one month pregnant....I just found out last week. So anyway, now I feel like this might be the worst decision for our family. The first reason is my age. I'm just tired and more importantly, I keep calculating the number of years I have l left of doing thankless labor for my kids that seems completely unappreciated. I also think of all the things that I still want to do with my life (like volunteer overseas - things that won't blend with raising a family). I also feel like financially, my husband and I are at a point where the next 10 years are extremely important in terms of income raised for college and retirement. My husband will be traveling more and the brunt of this 3rd child will come down on me. I'm worried about my own health, carrying another baby, I'm worried about money, I'm worried about a happy life for everyone, I'm worried about my sanity...sometimes I find childcare really boring, even though I really do love my kids. So I'm wondering if I should get an abortion and not move forward with this pregnancy. There is a slice of me that feels some excitement that I'm pregnant, but I'm not listening to that part. I don't know whether that excitement is worth the lifetime commitment. I don't see how I could possibly allow myself to get pregnant, and change my mind. I feel terrible, immature, crazy, abusive of life. I can't even think straight about the problem. I don't know what I want.
Anyone have some advice for me?