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stubborn 10-month old - Page 2

post #21 of 37

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by azhie View Post 

 

In general, though, chinese people like to mold their kids. Obedience is one of the most important character traits a kid can have. 

 

 

Oh my!  It would be hard for me to live with that sort of pressure.  Obedience is not what I'm going for with my parenting at all.  I would like it if my kids listened to me once in a while, but I generally appreciate it that they argue and moan and groan about pretty much anything I ask them to do.  orngtongue.gif  

post #22 of 37
You cannot teach a 10 month old obedience. That is ridiculous. What she is learning as she sits at the bottom of stairs and cries is that her voice has no value in that situation. She is confused, and afraid, and most likely tired/cranky. I think leaving a kid to cry actually makes them more independent and less obedient because you are teaching them that they are all on their own in the world. Attached kids seem to have a greater tendency to explore coupled with strong self awareness, but they also seek help for their problems and communicate well as they grow.

Don't "break" your DD. I know mine was rather difficult when young. She pouched, cried, refused to comply, the whole thing. I worried she was't acting feminine and proper (stupid words for a child, but I was learning). I complained at a family event that she had pushed another child who tried to take her toy, and I was ashamed. My grandmother said "good for her! There's a woman who will take life by the horns and isn't afraid to fight for what she wants.". Although I still cringe sometimes, ever since that day I've tried to focus on the power and strength that comes from my DD personality, and instead of trying to change her I work on positive ways to express her needs and wants (like words instead of pushing). Good luck.
post #23 of 37
Thread Starter 

Love that line from your grandma!

 

It's nice to hear from stories from BTDT moms on this forum and be reminded of respecting a child like any human being. It's something I wish very much to practice with my own child(ren), which is completely opposite from my own childhood (beating a kid into submission).

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by lunarlady View Post

You cannot teach a 10 month old obedience. That is ridiculous. What she is learning as she sits at the bottom of stairs and cries is that her voice has no value in that situation. She is confused, and afraid, and most likely tired/cranky. I think leaving a kid to cry actually makes them more independent and less obedient because you are teaching them that they are all on their own in the world. Attached kids seem to have a greater tendency to explore coupled with strong self awareness, but they also seek help for their problems and communicate well as they grow.
Don't "break" your DD. I know mine was rather difficult when young. She pouched, cried, refused to comply, the whole thing. I worried she was't acting feminine and proper (stupid words for a child, but I was learning). I complained at a family event that she had pushed another child who tried to take her toy, and I was ashamed. My grandmother said "good for her! There's a woman who will take life by the horns and isn't afraid to fight for what she wants.". Although I still cringe sometimes, ever since that day I've tried to focus on the power and strength that comes from my DD personality, and instead of trying to change her I work on positive ways to express her needs and wants (like words instead of pushing). Good luck.

 

 

post #24 of 37
Thread Starter 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by rubidoux View Post

 

 

Oh my!  It would be hard for me to live with that sort of pressure.  Obedience is not what I'm going for with my parenting at all.  I would like it if my kids listened to me once in a while, but I generally appreciate it that they argue and moan and groan about pretty much anything I ask them to do.  orngtongue.gif  

 

I hope I'll be as understanding when my dd is older!

post #25 of 37

I do teach my children to be obedient to me but at very age-appropriate ways.  A ten month old baby has no way of using discipline at all.  Even my 2.5 year old doesn't get disciplined, really.  

 

I think you can respect your children and expect them to comply to house rules and teach them how to treat others as this isn't always something that comes naturally.

 

I don't always tell my kids "no" and I don't have lots of consequences for their behavior, I let them be themselves, but I think we need to learn to live together, not just think about our own needs first.

 

And I wouldn't try to make yourself act any certain way.  If you want to sit and play with the baby, then do it.  If it's not your thing and she is happy, then let it go.

 

I don't play all the time with my youngest dd but I do try to keep my ears and eyes open to see when she might be getting cranky or bored and then I stop what I'm doing and do something with her.

post #26 of 37

Like Youngfrankenstein, I also teach my kids to follow my directions and do what I tell them to do.  It would have been hopeless at 10 months though.  I don't think your dd was even being stubborn in the class - a 10 month old has no way of understanding what's going on with the steps and the teacher and what she is supposed to do.  My kids started responding to simple requests sometime around 2.  At that point, it's a skill to celebrate when they do it, but not an act of defiance when they don't.  I can understand why people get wound up about it when competitive preschool admissions are looming over them.  But it's one of those things kids will pick up very quickly when they are neurologically ready, and cannot even begin to attempt until they have both the receptive language and the motor skills to do so.  All those moms who think their babies are so obedient and good?  My older dd was like that.  Turns out we just got lucky and had a laid back kid.  It had nothing to do with our parenting.  

post #27 of 37

It'll be interesting to see how she fares (I'm guessing way better, like the mama who said her 3 y/o would knock socks off with her mad interview skillz ;) ) compared to the prepped babies if you continue with the AP style instead of the sanctioned play groups. If she blows everybody away, maybe you will start a trend in your area! :)

post #28 of 37
Wow.
I read a quote a while back so I don't remember it exactly but it was something like, "I doubt many great leaders started out as good little girls and boys."
This lady wants to make sure your dd will be a good tax payer. Don't break her spirit- some day she might be the one deciding what the rest of us pay taxes for.
It doesn't sound like she enjoys this play group, or that it is in her best interest either. If you just want play opportunities for her, try a local moms Meetup, or your local LLL or breastfeeding support group. When we were in the States we met a lot of like minded moms at those groups and they were more like play dates than anything else, since everyone bought their kids.
post #29 of 37

"Well-behaved women seldom make history." —Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

 

She's 10 months old, the teacher needs to calm down. She's a child not a horse, she doesn't need to be "broken in".

You LO sounds like mine right now. :-) 


Edited by Mama Ana - 5/2/12 at 1:32pm
post #30 of 37

Your DD sounds a lot like my son. He cries more than any other baby I know, but he is also really expressive with his happiness and is so strong willed. Although it does wear you out, I agree that this is a great personality trait to have!

post #31 of 37
Thread Starter 

You're right-- I am finding out that she only screams and throws tantrums during playgroup. Specifically when taken away from whatever she's doing for some directed activities. I let her nurse on demand during that playgroup (she would nurse all hour if she could), and the teacher told me that allowing her to comfort-nurse like this is doing her a disservice for future. 

 

I'm still taking her to this playgroup (it's once a week) just because we've already paid for the whole course :( and I haven't yet been able to arrange other playdates. It's not easy finding play areas for crawlers in this city. Most of our flats are too small. Even the public library play area has to be prebooked a week beforehand!

 

This lady caters to a group of parents who seek admission to competitive schools, and competition starts at nursery school. So I can understand...... it just happens not to suit my dd. 

 

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyrabbitfly View Post

Wow.
I read a quote a while back so I don't remember it exactly but it was something like, "I doubt many great leaders started out as good little girls and boys."
This lady wants to make sure your dd will be a good tax payer. Don't break her spirit- some day she might be the one deciding what the rest of us pay taxes for.
It doesn't sound like she enjoys this play group, or that it is in her best interest either. If you just want play opportunities for her, try a local moms Meetup, or your local LLL or breastfeeding support group. When we were in the States we met a lot of like minded moms at those groups and they were more like play dates than anything else, since everyone bought their kids.
post #32 of 37
Thread Starter 

It sure is wearing me out! She's my completely opposite! I was one of those successfully trained passive kid and my mother was very proud of it. It's not what I'd want for my kids though... just want them to be themselves!

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by cat13 View Post

Your DD sounds a lot like my son. He cries more than any other baby I know, but he is also really expressive with his happiness and is so strong willed. Although it does wear you out, I agree that this is a great personality trait to have!

post #33 of 37

Even if you pre-paid, I'd ask about a partial refund or some sort of "split the difference" maneuver. Just because you paid for something doesn't mean you should keep going if your child is obviously unhappy there. Plus, if someone came up to me when my son was 10mo. and started telling me I was doing a disservice by nursing him...oh my. That wouldn't have ended well. Are you sure you want to expose yourself to what sounds like an unending stream of competition, criticism, and negativity? It's not like those people know you, why are they critiquing your parenting?

post #34 of 37

That's a little scary to me. I love a great quality preschool experience and think it is really important but think it really about parents until 3 or so. A playgroup for that age is about chatting with other moms. That kind of feedback is just weird.

post #35 of 37

I know it may be difficult today; but our 'hard-headed' babies will grow to be engaged, intelligent, questioning and compassionate kids.  Stay up, mama.

post #36 of 37

IMHO, you never want to break, just bend. And different kids will take different methods for that to come out. I was a stubborn little monster, but I grew up to be a good citizen and my stubbornness has helped me through some really big health challenges. Somehow my Mom bent me without breaking my spirit. I know it was work on her part. You can handle this mama, and she'll be the better for it.

post #37 of 37

One of the best things I learned in economic class is to not base decisions on what to do based on money that has already been spent.

Whether you stay or go, the money has been spent and so it is no longer a financial decision.

 

You should base your decision on the happiness quotient. How happy will it make you and your daughter to stay vs. how happy will it make you and your daughter to stop going?

Sounds to me that if you stop going it has cost you some money. If you continue to go, it has cost you the same amount of money, but has also cost you some grief, frustration and security for your daughter.

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