Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › Healing Birth Trauma › It never goes away, does it?
New Posts  All Forums:
 

It never goes away, does it?

post #1 of 9
4/25/12 at 4:43pm
Thread Starter 

You know, that feeling of "Oh, no, that total stranger is about to invade my body and hurt me!"

 

My csecs were 10 yrs ago and 18 yrs ago, but the trauma is still there.  I had to have an endometrial biopsy today.  Wasn't exactly planning on it...as of today, i am on day 33 of bleeding.  I don't have insurance or very much money, so I made an appointment at a sliding-scale clinic that I had never been to before.  They told me over the phone that I would have a trans-vaginal ultrasound.  But after five minutes of talking to the OB/GYN, I found out that the ultrasound tech was gone for the day (so...the dr. is qualified to cut people open and extract babies, but she can't do an ultrasound?!) and instead I would have the biopsy.  I immediately started crying (the idea of the ultrasound didn't scare me one bit because I knew it wouldn't be painful) and so the dr. tells me I need to "tell her everything".  I guess she was accusing me of hiding some big secret of my medical history?  Anyway, I told her it was all in my head and to go ahead and do the biopsy.

 

It hurt like hell.  The speculum wasn't bad, but then she had to use a metal retractor to keep my cervix open and that was pure hell.  The first swipe of whatever it was that she used to cut away some of the lining of my uterus grabbed only loose blood clots, so she had to go in again.  I just laid on the table crying, feeling the jabs way deep inside my body.  I don't really know why I was shocked to feel the pain inside my abdomen, instead of just in my vagina.  Thank goodness she got what she needed on the second try, because I don't know if I could have made it through a third.

 

And now I'm siting here typing this, feeling weird crampy twinges that are just slightly dulled down versions of the agony I felt this afternoon.  And replaying the birthrape of 10 yrs ago that I still haven't fully dealt with.  Oh yeah, and wondering how long it will take to find out if I have cancer but not calling any of my girlfriends because I don't want to worry them...

 

Today sucks and I'm especially pissed now because I have a whole bottle of vodka and nothing low carb to mix it with!  haha

Sponsored Links
post #2 of 9
4/27/12 at 5:14pm

oh i'm so sorry, that sounds so difficult. i hope today is a better day :)

post #3 of 9
4/27/12 at 5:22pm
That sounds so painful and traumatic, even without any specific medical history. :-( you deserve the vodka with anything in it tonight. Be good to yourself.
post #4 of 9
4/27/12 at 5:31pm

That sounds horrible. I'm sorry you had that violating experience (all of them). I hope you feel better soon sweetheart. 

 

I'm not a doctor but I want to suggest that the ongoing bleeding and the trauma that is still held in your body from your c sections are related. Perhaps explore that a bit. 

 

Hope you feel better mama. 

post #5 of 9
4/28/12 at 5:22pm
Thread Starter 

Thanks everyone.  I think I'm in perimenopause, which sucks because I'm only just 35.  I've been having sporadic periods for the last year, and aside from this last month-long bleed, my last few cycles seem to have been anovulatory, as far as I can tell without temping.  It's for the best, though.  After two csecs (no matter the reasons or circumstances), I don't feel comfortable risking anymore pregnancies. 

post #6 of 9
5/1/12 at 2:45pm

Your situation is unfortunate, but it is not rape. To compare the birth of your child to myself being held down and raped with a knife, rendering me permanently incontinent and never able to give vaginal birth (at age 21), is selfish, ludicrous, and a gross exaggeration.

post #7 of 9
5/2/12 at 2:03pm

I believe that these forums are for support and not judgement. I believe that to measure anyone elses pain against your own is impossible. Pain is relative, birth rape is real. Modifiedmama I am sorry that you had a horrible experience. Please do not continue pain by judging someone elses pain, especially a stranger... This has lesson has been a long time coming for me and started when teenage girls would bitch about their mothers to me when my mom had just shot herself in the back yard. Blessedwithboys I hope your biopsy comes back without anything icky on it and I hope you find somewhere to get support for your birth trauma.

post #8 of 9
5/2/12 at 5:19pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by modifiedmama View Post

Your situation is unfortunate, but it is not rape. To compare the birth of your child to myself being held down and raped with a knife, rendering me permanently incontinent and never able to give vaginal birth (at age 21), is selfish, ludicrous, and a gross exaggeration.

 

Hello, mama.  Welcome to MDC.  I'm sorry to have offended you with my word choice.  I think if you stick around MDC long enough, you will find that it is pretty much a no-judgement zone.  We try hard here to avoid attempts at defining one another's experiences.  An example of this is the ongoing debate over whether or not mamas who have csecs "give birth".  I choose not to use that terminology when speaking of my own births.  In my case, I feel that rather than giving birth, I had birth taken away from me.  Instead, I say "When ds was delivered", since my kids were delivered to me all neatly wrapped up, bathed and diapered, an hour after they were taken out of me.  But if another csec mama chooses to say she gave birth, I don't have any issue with that.  We all have to define our experiences in a way that we are most comfortable with.

 

If I am to take your words literally, it sounds as though you have gone through a horrific ordeal.  Woman to woman, I am truly sorry for your pain.  From your perspective, with c-birth being your only option due to a sexual rape, I can understand how my word choice may offend you.  That wasn't my intent.  If one were to define "rape" simply as an unwanted violation of one's person, than yes, in a sense, I have experienced a form of rape.

 

I'm sure that if you frequent the Birth Trauma forum, you will find that many MDCers use the term "birthrape".  Some may apply it to a traumatic vaginal delivery.  Most will use it to describe a cesarean birth experience.  Perhaps from your perspective, you may not realize that the US c-sec rate of 30+% is excessive.  My 1st csec occured when I was a healthy 17yo.  It came about due to the cascade of interventions.  I didn't know any better, and so I accepted it.  A few years later I learned that it was most likely unnecessary (ds1 was born at 4pm on a Friday), but I still didn't have strong feelings against it.  It was not until many years later, when I was laboring with ds2, that the event I choose to define as birthrape happened.  My birth story is here on MDC somewhere.

 

Again, apologies for offending you.  I hope that now you have a better understanding of what I meant in my 1st post.  Best wishes to you!

 

ETA:  nm

post #9 of 9
7/10/12 at 10:06am
As a rape survivor, it is also hard for me to see women refer to their medical procedure as a "rape." Not because I am comparing my experience to theirs, but because I feel like the appropriation of the word cheapens it. This isn't the only context where people have appropriated the word, but I do feel that it does a disservice to survivors and wish birth trauma survivors would stop using it.
Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › Healing Birth Trauma › It never goes away, does it?