You know, that feeling of "Oh, no, that total stranger is about to invade my body and hurt me!"
My csecs were 10 yrs ago and 18 yrs ago, but the trauma is still there. I had to have an endometrial biopsy today. Wasn't exactly planning on it...as of today, i am on day 33 of bleeding. I don't have insurance or very much money, so I made an appointment at a sliding-scale clinic that I had never been to before. They told me over the phone that I would have a trans-vaginal ultrasound. But after five minutes of talking to the OB/GYN, I found out that the ultrasound tech was gone for the day (so...the dr. is qualified to cut people open and extract babies, but she can't do an ultrasound?!) and instead I would have the biopsy. I immediately started crying (the idea of the ultrasound didn't scare me one bit because I knew it wouldn't be painful) and so the dr. tells me I need to "tell her everything". I guess she was accusing me of hiding some big secret of my medical history? Anyway, I told her it was all in my head and to go ahead and do the biopsy.
It hurt like hell. The speculum wasn't bad, but then she had to use a metal retractor to keep my cervix open and that was pure hell. The first swipe of whatever it was that she used to cut away some of the lining of my uterus grabbed only loose blood clots, so she had to go in again. I just laid on the table crying, feeling the jabs way deep inside my body. I don't really know why I was shocked to feel the pain inside my abdomen, instead of just in my vagina. Thank goodness she got what she needed on the second try, because I don't know if I could have made it through a third.
And now I'm siting here typing this, feeling weird crampy twinges that are just slightly dulled down versions of the agony I felt this afternoon. And replaying the birthrape of 10 yrs ago that I still haven't fully dealt with. Oh yeah, and wondering how long it will take to find out if I have cancer but not calling any of my girlfriends because I don't want to worry them...
Today sucks and I'm especially pissed now because I have a whole bottle of vodka and nothing low carb to mix it with! haha