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I think this is where I belong for a while...

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 

Hi,

I'm Cindy and I'm new here.  I have a 9 month old daughter and I've been depressed off an on... It didn't get worse until last November when my husband lost his job.  I started out strong, then got weaker and depressed. Now, I have good days and bad days.  Today was a bad day.  All I did was lay around and cry.  I cried last night too.  I have a beautiful daughter that I love to be with (there's no thoughts of harming her or myself), but I sometimes wish things were just better.  I've lost faith in my husband... I feel like I've let my daughter down because she deserves better.  

 

I have raised my daughter practically 100% of the time by myself, even with my husband on unemployment.  My Mom has passed away, my Dad's on the other side of the country with his wife who's going through treatments and illnesses... My in-laws are in a different state and never around, plus my mom-in-law's been depressed for years.  I have no help.  Now, since it's just been me raising my daughter, she's become too attached to me and now my husband has to step up and try to help her gain the confidence of being without me.

 

I'm a prospective teacher who never got hired because the economy.  My husband's in marketing but didn't get hired in his field either for the same reason.  We're struggling.  We did plan on having our daughter, but at that time, I was working and he was working.  I was a nanny/tutor and the family let me go because they felt I should be home with my daughter.  Then, when she was 4 months old, my husband got laid off.  

 

I'm trying to promote my photography since people love it, however, it's hard when my husband is even dependent on me to take my daughter because he wants her happy.  I have no escape!  

 

So, I keep questioning 'what is this?'  My Dad's wife thinks it's postpartum and now that I think about it, it must be.  It kills me to be like this because I was always mentally stable; up until now.  So, thinking over and over why do I feel like this off and on?  I've come to believe that I have PPD, too.  

post #2 of 3

Hi & welcome to MDC. I couldn't read your thread and not post. hug2.gif So sorry that you're in such an ugly place right now. It sounds incredibly isolating, which is never a great thing when you're new to mamahood to begin with. But coupled with the other stuff, that's just really hard! I wish I had some words of wisdom; maybe see if there's other MDC mamas near you in the tribes section? At any rate, please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. For myself, usually the only way over a rough patch is straight on through. Best of luck,

 

Jen

post #3 of 3

Oh, Cindy.  You have every reason to be struggling right now!  You named a good half-dozen reasons that would be significant enough to take a non-post-partum person down, and you need to give yourself BIG credit for handling things so well thus far.

 

I need to say I don't think a 9 month old can be "too attached."  I understand the feeling of being very stifled when you are around a baby (or any one person!) 24/7, but I don't think you've done your daughter any disservice by being there for her!

 

A few recommendations from someone who has experienced PPD:  find another mom to hang out with, even if it's with your daughter.  Hit up a library storytime.  Find a La Leche chapter or Mom's Group if they exist around you.  Strike up a conversation when you are out with another mom.  Get a walk when you can, especially outside (the sun is good for depression).  Don't discount professional help; even just a small dose of an anti-depressant can be a powerful change agent.  If you have the money and care to, get a decent haircut or take care of yourself in whatever way feels nourishing to you. 

 

You are doing a very hard job around the clock with very little in the way of recognition, and you are doing it alone.  Of course you love your daughter; this has nothing to do with whether you love your child or not.  You are grieving a great many things simultaneously, in addition to the crash course that is new motherhood.

 

Don't define yourself as weak or mentally unstable.  You sound like you are having perfectly normal responses to some extremely difficult situation.  Feel free to PM if you'd like.  You are not alone.

 

Good luck, mama.

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