Where did my friends go? « Back to Group Discussions

[octolars]

Is anyone else experiencing isolation?  I have felt pretty lonely the whole time, but it's recently been getting a little worse.  I feel this is probbaly for a few reasons - one - my friends dont want to be around me bc all I do is complain about being pregnant - 2 - my friends who can't get pregnant for various reasons are jealous - 3 - im not drinking alcohol so they think I won't want to be invited along (this one sounds ridiculous, especially bc most of my friends are in their 30s, but I feel that its totally true - and this is especially upsetting because I will not be drinking again even after the baby is born, which is hard enough, but I feel its the right choice for me)

I just feel so alone.  I have been really sick for a long time, so I've been hiding out at home, but it hurts my feelings that no one calls to check on me.  Am I just being paranoid?  What is it going to be like when I have the baby?  I have no idea how to make new friends, but I feel that I need to bc I don't feel like the friends I had care about me anymore.

[GoofyInOK]

Hugs...  I am sorry you are feeling lonely.  I don't see my friends as much as I used to for sure, but I guess that hasn't bothered me so much lately because I've been so busy trying to get things ready for the baby.  It is hard, though, to think about all the relationships changing.  I keep wondering if my friends will come over any more once the baby is here, or if I'll be able to take the baby out to their houses or if that will be weird.  Most of my friends that live near me don't have children yet.  We have one friend who is a lot younger than us (she's just now 22) and she doesn't like kids, so I'm guessing she will be pretty much gone after baby.  But what can you do, really?  People move on, I guess.  It is just hard sometimes.

I keep hoping that I will make some new mom friends and our kids can play together.  That would be really nice.  And it is nice to have these forums as an outlet, too.  Maybe we don't see each other in person, but the support we give each other is definitely real.  :)

[prairie girl]

I'm one of those people who was unable to get & stay pregnant. I totally avoided pregnant people in particular and parents in general. This included two SIL's and a number of good friends. It's self-protection. I didn't feel good about it, but I totally had to do it.

So, yes, it's probably true that the friends of yours who are or might be experiencing fertility issues or infertility are avoiding you. Though they are happy for you, they're also sad for themselves. It's difficult to seperate the two emotions. Infertility is a medical issue, but also an emotionally difficult journey. Hopefully they will come back to your friendship when they are able.

In the meantime, it happens to be National Infertility Awareness Week in the US and if you wish, you could reach out to them and metnion that you're thinking of them this week. It may not immediately rekindle the relationship, but it will mean you've left the door open for them to talk with you about their struggles if/when they're ready. In the long run it could even mena you have a deeper & stronger friendship as you were sensitive to their difficulties.

[Shinyredstar]

Having gone through 11 years of trying to conceive, I totally agree with prairie girl. It was so hard for me when my sister was pregnant. I loved her and loved my niece, but could barely talk about her pregnancy without wanting to cry. My other sister (there are three of us) is also just found out that she's not likely to conceive and is having similar difficulty in connecting with us and while I can imagine to some degree how she feels, my issue was secondary infertility where she has no children so really... I can't imagine how she feels. Give them space and time.

But I also totally understand the loneliness part and I'm having similar issues. I posted about it in another group, too. Making new friends is tricky but I realize that if I want that lonely/disconnected feeling to go away, I'm going to have to do something to change it so I'm going to start going to some La Leche League meetings and see if I can make any connections there, or at least use it as a starting point to force myself to get out.

[NewMumJoy]

Yeah, I'm in a similar "lonely" situation..... I'm the type of person who has "many acquaintances, but few close friends" and we recently moved a very long distance from home/friends/family to a region where I know absolutely nobody.  My closest friend back home in the US has been battling infertility for over 10 yrs and I never hear from her, unless I'm the one making contact - and at this point I almost feel like I'm a bother to her.  My DH is out of town (for work) every other week, so I truly have long periods of solitude - fortunately I'm a pretty independent soul (I'm an aquarius after all, haha) - I think most people in my situation would have lost it by now!  But the hardest part for me is not being able to share this pregnancy w/any of the people that I truly care about.....  :/

Now that the weather is better, and I have a bit more energy/motivation to explore, I hope to meet some other couples/moms locally through LLL meetings, prenatal & yoga class, or future mommy meet ups.  It's never too late.....

Hugs to you ladies!!!

[LeaPea]

My friendships have completely changed since I had my first daughter. While I was pregnant, my friends just started distancing themselves for various reasons. I think some saw that our lives were going in different directions, and they felt that we could no longer relate. Some of those friends came back when my daughter was older, and some have stayed away for good. I have had some luck meeting some really cool moms through meetup.com.

[modestmothering]

Glad to find this post. 

Yes, I have been experiencing something similar and I wonder if I should breach the topic with a friend who has been trying to conceive for a long time now.  Has anyone had experience with confronting friends who seem distant during pregnancy?

[cheryllynn]

I also am coming from the infertility perspective, having to wait for 8 years before our daughter was born, going through three miscarriages and medical bills that would probably be enough to purchase a house. 

When reaching out to women who are going through infertility issues, I would talk about any other topic other than babies.  I would let them know that you are thinking of them through their sorrow and then leave it up to the other person to discuss or not.  Infertility was a deep dark hole that scarred my soul and even though we now have a daughter and I'm pg again, that pain is still in my past. 

For modestmothering - your comment about "Confronting" friends who are distant during pregnancy - really - confront?  Please think of a different, kinder, gentler, compassionate approach to someone who very well could be going through H#ll and not sure how to get through it.  Listening to pg women complain about being pg when I was experiencing yet another negative cycle, or another miscarriage, was like having my skin peeled off. 

I lost a lot of friends during my infertility years and experience loneliness from that.  I don't have many friends either and am glad for the online community and connections that I found here.