mother of another child contacting me

[snickerbitesohh]

have a complicated situation with my family and it is really stressing me out. Me and my Husband have been together for just over 3 years. We have a son that just turned 2. My husband was married before me, and he had 3 children. They are very much a part of our lives, as hard as the mother has tried to make it. We only get them 2 days a week for about 3-4 hours. We are in the process of going to court for more visitation. We also are in the process of buying our first home. He pays a lot of child support, which he should so they are being taken care of in that way even tho she lives with her parents who are both doctors and she doesn't work. The kids are in private school Etc.

This is where is gets complicated. Briefly between his ex-wife and I, he had a one night stand and got a girl pregnant. Long story short, he wasn't permitted by his ex-wife to have ANY contact whatsoever with the lady or the child. He paid child support, and still does. She threatened that if he did see the boy, she would move to North carolina with his kids. His mother also got involved and sent the lady nasty emails pertaining to the pregnancy that my husband is just now finding out about.

The other "baby mama" lived about 7 hours away, so she was okay with it. It seemed less complicated for all (except perhaps the baby)

I knew about this other child from the begenning. She emails every 6 months or so for any updates, and we do provide for him. He is 4 now. Recently, she contacted ME via email. She is unable to support him financially, and he is lacking some essential items such as a bed. I asked for her address and said we would mail him one ( we are by no means well off financially but this is his child and our responsibility) and asked if there was anything else he needed.

She said that she wants us to be a part of the boys life.

This hit me really hard. No doubt I knew about him when we got together, but I was told that he lived far away and the mother didnt want my husband to have contact with him. I feel like we already have a VERY hard time with his ex-wife. Just getting to see the kids is a challenge, and she is always threatening to move away with them. She has a very good lawyer and we have none, so our effots to get this fixed are futile, they just extend or file more paperwork. He does pay very well for all of his children as he should which also makes it difficult for us as we have a 2 year old son.

I feel like I dont want this child to be a part of my life. I know this is horrible to say and I haven't admitted it to anyone. Its not so much the child, as another mother. Another visit day, another woman to possibly fight with. She is living in a trailer up the road from us now. My husband says he knows where I am coming from, but would like to see him now that he has the chance. This is a very sad situation. I just feel like I don't want to share my husband with anymore children. I dont want another woman around and us getting close to this boy and her disappearing too. It is so hard on our son now when the kids constantly miss their visit days because she just didnt feel like dropping them off and we arent aloud to pick them up.

I know it is important for my husband to see his son, but do i jepordize my little family? Do i expose our son to another child that might possibly be temporary? Please dont be mean, these are my honest feelings im not here to be judged, just for a little guidence. Thank you very much =]

[VocalMinority]

My DH has a child with an extremely high-conflict ex, who followed through on her threat to move away with the child (2,500 miles!).  I wholeheartedly understand your feelings.  

You know it is right for your husband to support his children.  Yet it is a hardship for you and your child.  It is frustrating, when you and your husband are making financial sacrifices and Mom doesn't seem to be doing her part.  You guard against feeling resentful and remind yourself the kids deserve the right thing from your husband, regardless how their mom shoulders her responsibilities.  But still every once in a while, when you're struggling to afford something for your child, those resentful thoughts sneak in.

You open your heart to "his" children, because they are his and because you know they deserve to feel fully part of any family their father belongs to.  But it is a never-ending tightrope act.  You are mothering and sweet to them while they're in your home, you treat them like your own...but you can't let yourself relax and get comfortable in that mothering role, because you're not their mother.  

You know you it's right to respect the kids' relationship with their mother...but she is nothing less than an impending tornado that has already hurt your husband, kept him away from his beloved children, made your family life difficult...and she is always threatening to do even worse, by moving away!  And the only way to stand up to her is to practically bankrupt yourselves, by hiring an attorney - just to enforce what is obviously fair and right.  Yet these children you love, love her.  It's like living in an MC Escher painting.

The natural, human instinct is to insulate yourself from getting close to people who might break your heart by disappearing from your life.  And thanks to your husband's ex, there is a constant cloud of insecurity about your step-kids' presence in your life and the basic structure of your family:  will Mom move away with the kids?  When?  How will it affect your family?  Your husband?  Your marriage?  Yet you can't let yourself pull away from the step-kids, simply because you fear they'll be taken away from you.

It's hard enough to balance all these things, with the 3 step-kids you have.  Of course you want to avoid taking on more of the same!  

But you did not come this far - doing the right thing even when it was difficult - to stop now!  In your heart, you already know what is right, where your husband's fourth child is concerned.  

Edited by VocalMinority - 4/30/12 at 8:41am