Weekly Chat April 30th - May 6th - Page 3
Carlin, I feel you. I like my new MW just fine, but I don't have that chemistry I did with my first MW. It's hard because I think we pick MW care over OB care specifically for that relationship. Also IMO it's more intense and personal to have someone delivering your baby in your home and it seems like that alters the relationship too.
WCM, I have the same thing with BH contractions, seems I really like to have them. I talked to my MW about it today and she felt that yes that may be what my body does, but it is VERY hard to gauge the tipping point of when too many BH can give you problems. She's like you have to pick your battles of when they start coming - it likely is a sign to slow down or stop multitasking (my problem)
Help007- you can hold goddess pose for 5 MINUTES??? That is .wow. I don't even have words for that. I've never tried to hold it for more than 10 breaths, it is excruciating, and I have extremely strong thighs. I cannot imagine a person holding it for 5 minutes.
Carlin- I don't want anything other than kindness and competency from my midwife. I don't expect her to be a friend or someone to chat with, I expect her to be a professional who I trust with my safety and the safety of my child. My appointments are 30 minutes and very professional. There is no time for extraneous chatting. We do the medical things first (she tests my urine, takes my blood pressure, measures my fundus, records my weight, and now that the fetus is big enough listens for its heartbeat) and then she answers my questions. That's it. Simple, direct, professional. Offering unsolicited parenting advice, however, is unprofessional, so maybe your uncomfortableness with her is a question of her professional behavour rather than chemistry as you suggested.
JudyBean - Thanks so much for posting that article! I do my kegals, but I really don't like it. Squats make sense to me!
AFM - u/s on Tuesday! Just in the last two days, I've started thinking "boy" -- but still no strong feeling like with DD (I was CONVINCED I'd have a red-headed girl, and voila!) I'd be super-pleased with a boy (one of each! plus I have a great boy name all set to go!) or a girl (I had a sister, and I'd like DD to have one too -- not to mention that it'll be easier convincing DH to go for a third if this one's a girl). So anyway, I'll be tickled either way.
I'm holding extra office hours today because my students have a huge paper due on Monday, but I've been here since 7:45 and it's now nearly 11:40 and not one person has come by ... I should be organizing my desk and catching up on paperwork, but I don't have any pressing obligations and the internet has been tempting. If it weren't raining, I'd put a note on the door with my cell number and walk briskly around the building!
I have been bad at keeping up on the chats but I have read most of it!
I do those goddess squats and "lift" the pelvic floor muscles and squeeze the vaginal muscles at my prenatal yoga. I want to try to do them at home now.
I interviewed a Dula. I am super excited and think I want to just hire her before interviewing others- I just want to get rollin with it.
I had my 20 week scan and we have three people saying they would retire if he wasn't a boy - so yay! I have gone CRAIGSLIST CRAZY!! I am super excited about my purchases. I am halfway through m list and think I will meet my everything done by late July goal.
I have family in all month but I wanted to say Hi to everyone and let you all know I read a lot and post a little - hope you all are enjoying this second trimester spring love!!!
Help, Thanks for suggesting the Goddess pose! I tried it a couple times today, and it feels like it's stretching and strengthening in exactly the right places. I love it! I seriously need to find a prenatal yoga class for unflexible, total newbies. I'm sure one exists around here somewhere!
2SweetSparrows, that's fantastic that you found a Doula you like already! Having everything ready by the end of July sounds like a great plan too. With my DD we were still renovating at 37 weeks pregnant and it was so, so stressful. I do not want to do that again!
Crystal_B, I think I feel the same was as you about having a Boy or Girl. As this is likely our last, either way, I'll be thrilled by whichever we end up with, but just a little bit sad not to have the other one. That's actually one of the reasons I have for not finding out until the birth. I know at that point I'll be too happy just to have the baby on the outside to care what it is!
Engineering_Mama, I hope life settles down a bit for you soon!
Thanks to everyone who commented on my Midwife dilema. Some of your comments really resonated and gave me some ideas as far as how to deal with things in the future. In hindsight, I think a lot of the problem is that I did walk into the appointment acting like I was visiting a friend as that's how it often seemed with my last midwife. We'd chat about our kids, how we were feeling etc. So as a result when the sleep topic came up, I was approaching it like a conversation and she was approaching it like a medical appointment. In hind sight, if I'd just said "everything is fine thanks." I don't think she would have persued it. Mole, I think you are probably right. As much as I enjoyed the relationship I had with my past midwife, it's not actually necessary. As long as she's competent and respectful of my choices I think I can work with her. If I feel like I need an emotional support person for the actual birth, I can always start looking for a Doula rather than counting on the midwife and her assistant for that aspect of things.
One thing that this has crystallized for me is that I have a deep down desire not to have an extra people around for this birth. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit I'd actually like to UC assuming everything is going well, although I definitely want to keep all my options open. I definitely want to have a midwife around afterwards to check the baby and me, and I have no desire to go without prenatal care. Is anyone planning a UC? Or an "oops" UC? I'm certainly not 100% sure it's a good idea for me, but it's something I'd like to explore a little further.
Carlin -- I find the idea of UCs fascinating, honestly. And if dh was on board, I'd go with it. DH, while very comfortable with homebirthing now, likes having somebody there with that nagging, "we should have a 'professional' here" kind of feeling. Making him comfortable helps me to relax. And honestly, dh isn't really all that... 'into' much of the really needy stuff. He's there and will do what I need, but he's not one to be proactive to support me if I needed something (like to lean on him). He'd just stand there, watching, unless I specifically direct him to do something! I like having a midwife around to take charge because I don't always want to be. Plus... sounds totally superficial, but I want somebody there to help clean up and be there for the aftermath a bit. ... You know, it's odd, but I don't think I've seen any mention of a UC (except once!). It's happened many times on old DDCs... I'm interested to hear how you end up dealing with this :)
had more to say, but kids are going nuts (first time in two days I've gotten on the big computer... of course.. ugh). but...
I actually had a big post typed here, but I'm going to post it as its own thread (at least for nursing)... but... my two-year-old? Besides nursing struggles, she's driving me batty!! Yes! I've had three other two-year-olds grow up here, but dd4 is just.. wow... I don't want to say 'difficult'... but I could say 'challenging' or 'busy' or 'strong-willed' and those would all be super accurate. It's been a long few days here with plenty of tears and, "I. Can't. Do. This." moments. *sigh*
Carlin - I have had 1 UC and it was an amazing experience and I also feel similar in having unecessary people around. To me is just felt so normal that is the best word I can use to describe it. However for me I am a bleeder and will be having a midwife so we will be actively managing the placenta ie: pitocin directly after birth and such. However the birth itself will be as much just my husband and me as possible.
If I'm honest with myself I have to admit I'd actually like to UC assuming everything is going well, although I definitely want to keep all my options open. I definitely want to have a midwife around afterwards to check the baby and me, and I have no desire to go without prenatal care. Is anyone planning a UC? Or an "oops" UC? I'm certainly not 100% sure it's a good idea for me, but it's something I'd like to explore a little further.
I am wishing for a safe UC. Completely alone. If I could plan it, DH and Midwife would be on the way but I'd have the birth, and a few solo bonding moments before they got there. I wouldn't necessarily plan a UC, I'll admit, I'm a little scared to do that, but I admire UCers so much. I wish I was that confident.
Carlin - sorry about the mw feelings. I really enjoy mine, but I wouldn't say we're super girlfriend-y, if that makes sense. And i dunno - for some reason that works for me. I have my friend coming as my doula and I also know how reassuring my mw can be during labor. And I did a little more "shopping" around this time, and still settled on her. It just felt like the right fit.
As for the UC, I totally felt that way with my last, but now having birthed at home, I have zero desire to do it lol. BUT - I want to take this birth a step further. I'd really like to have minimal mw interaction (which isn't a problem - she only rarely checked for baby with doppler, no internal checks at all, etc.) and then catch the baby either myself, or have hubby do it.
I really don't want a lot of extra people around either, so even though I have another friend who takes amazing birth photos, I'm on the fence about hiring her. As it is we probably need to hire a 2nd doula-ish person to help with the kids. We have no family nearby (2.5 hours away), I don't really want my MIL coming, and hubby spent the entire last birth with my son, which was fine but I'd like him around a bit more this time. :-)
I'm not bffs with my midwives - it's my first birth, so I've only had half a dozen meetings with one and two with the other. I love their advice, their professionalism, the balance between advising and letting me do my own thing, but I don't find myself dying to invite them out for margaritas when this is all over (at least, not yet?).
However, whenever I picture my birth, it's always dark, and I'm almost always alone or with my husband in our home. I can feel the midwives in another room, dozing or doing other things, but I feel like I'll spend most of the birth holed up in our guest bedroom (the tiniest, coziest room we have, and also right next to the bathroom with the very spacious shower and the kitchen). I know I don't want my first birth to be unassisted, but I do feel it's something I'll want to do most of on my own. My mother lives 16 hours away, so the likelihood of her making it here for the birth is slim (though she is a nurse, so I wouldn't mind having her here at all, during or very soon after the birth). There's one friend I'd love to have as a birth photographer, but she's on the other side of the country, and there's pretty much no way to time it, not given her two little ones at home. Other than that, there's no one I want to be here.
This all still unnerves the hubby - I'm hoping some childbirthing classes will calm him down a bit. Ladies who've homebirthed in the past - what's helped your husbands relax? We have TWO midwives and we're ten minutes (five if we ignore speed limits) from the nearest hospital. I've had an almost abnormally healthy easy pregnancy so far. He's just concerned.
I don't know exactly how to help husband's relax more, lol. We had our DS1 at a birthing center and he only felt okay with that since it was 5 minutes from a hospital. It was about an 8 hour labor and I went to the birthing center way to early, probably because of the back labor and it really freaked me out. But I did lots of research with pregnancy #2 with DD including reading lots of UC stories. I realized how all the cervical checks and coaching probably made my first birth more difficult then it really needed to be. I realized if I labored alone I would be more comfortable to get into whatever position my body directed me to, and I imagined if I could labor at home alone and then call the midwife when I was in transition it would work out really nicely. With DD, I was home with my son and my husband was at work. Contractions started and I just took things in stride and didn't call anyone right away (I'd had "false labor" a week before). I took a bath, then got out and found myself pacing and things moved quickly. I called my husband about an hour and a half after contractions started - he stopped at the store to get our 2 yo a movie to watch like I asked him too lol. He got home 15 minutes before my daughter was born and caught her, the midwife showed up 15 minutes after DD was born :). I would be completely happy to have a similar experience, quite honestly. I am able to listen to my body better when other people aren't worrying or coaching me.
What really helped my dh be more comfortable and welcoming of homebirth was watching The Business of Being Born. My dh went along with the idea of a homebirth for dd4 (we weren't in our own home as homebirth attended by a midwife in our state was illegal at the time... but our midwife had a house she used for clients from my state), but he had a few concerns/reservations about it all until watching that movie. We watched it at a weekend retreat held by my midwife for her clients (beautiful hotel in a ski town)... TBBB combined with discussions from the midwife about what *could* go wrong and how she is there to help with things (and how they're not emergencies necessarily! Cords around necks are easy to remedy and not the end of the world... even breathing right away isn't a must since the beautiful, wonderful placenta keeps things good to go for a few minutes, etc) ... those two combined really helped ease dh's fears and really empower him and get him excited about the birth!! Maybe see what questions/concerns your dh has exactly and bring those up to the midwife (maybe he's worried the baby will be born too fast, before the midwife can get there, and to ease those fears the midwife could give him the quick version of what to do, etc).
well, this was an insanely busy and stressful and painful week, but at least the move is over, houseguests are gone, and most of the hardcore cleaning finished.
i'm feeling pretty down because of what happened with SO last night. i'd told him i wanted to have a "date night" with him because we haven't had that in a long time. so we went to dinner and then came back home, but later on when i was trying to initiate a makeout session i could tell something was up. i asked him what was going on, and after some questioning/prodding to get him to talk to me he admitted he isn't as into having sex now because of the "huge obstruction" that makes things "awkward and difficult." when asked if he still found me attractive his answer was "for the most part." of course when i broke down in tears he backpedaled and tried to explain what he really meant, and i guess i get it, but still, it was VERY hurtful to hear. really took some of the wind out of my sails. and here i thought we'd been doing well with maintaining our sex life- at least, i've really been enjoying it, and trying out newish positions and things... i told him that yeah, things are different and we need to be more creative, but that i still feel very sexual and that i really don't want this part of our life to disappear. i'm only 22 weeks!
then he claimed he was tired and went to sleep, and i cried until i was finally able to sleep. he got up and went to work early this morning and here i am crying at the computer again. this was a pretty big shock to me and i feel so... discouraged. i don't really know how to talk to him about this again or how to proceed with him. i can't help feeling unattractive and enormous and... i just want to sort of retreat.
anyway, that is that- but at least i feel both girls moving around a lot today. i am going to go distract myself from the chaos of a just-moved-into house by hitting up a thrift store.
Good luck with that, wendipauline. It sounds like a shitty situation for you. Here's hoping for lots of hot sex for you and your sweetheart to get him over his whateverness! Awkward and difficult... I'm pshawing all over that noise. There are SO MANY ways to have sex. I hope the creative aspects start making it even more fun for both of you!
That's just a long way to say I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry he said the jerky things he did (um, hello hormones that already have pregnant on edge). I hope you guys can come together and work through this together.