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Transition Problems - Page 3

post #41 of 77
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Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:24am
post #42 of 77

I am just pointing out how this could be perceived based on what you are posting?  I think these feelings are normal and I hear them spoken about quite a bit on adoptive mom blogs- which I believe I have directed you.  My last comment is a little harsh and I apologize. 

Please reread what you have written though and see how it sounds to an outsider looking in. 
 

post #43 of 77
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Resolved.


Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:24am
post #44 of 77

BP you are safe here. You can vent about it. There are just lots of opinions and it is hard to weigh them all. It is so good to hear he is settling down some at Head Start. That is really awesome news.

 

One thing many of us know is that kids will often give their 'worst' to their primary caregivers--the parents taking care of them 24/7. This is because they do feel safe enough to show everything.  And you don't know for sure: his behavior could be normal, or it could be from being a traumatized child with inconsistent parenting. You did say, I think, on the other thread, that he was removed from his mom for abuse/neglect, so we can't completely ignore that some challenging things have happened to him. And when challenging things happen to kids, they try to make sense of it in many, many ways, including challenging behavior, even when they are safe and loved. So the behavior does have a "function"-- it is to try to adjust to the new home, the new family, by testing everything that seems firm and kind and safe.

 

The first thing I thought of when you said he was taking his button off was that maybe he was going to pee in her living room, since he has done that at home. But it is not out of line to be at least on the alert for sexualized behavior, depending on the circumstances of his placement into foster care. If his mom had many partners that were not well known,  or did not supervise him even in the neighborhood, he could have had some premature sexual experiences that were confusing to him.

 

Whatever is going on for him, all of you definitely deserve professional support to help guide you through it. I suspect there are many tough days ahead and then hopefully everyone will reach a place of equilibrium.
 

post #45 of 77
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Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:24am
post #46 of 77
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Resolved.


Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:25am
post #47 of 77
Hugs. I'm sorry this has been so hard. It will get better - at least I hope so. I do think that the family could benefit from family counseling, these things are hard to deal with, and getting professional help might lessen the strain on you. Please don't take that as me saying you aren't strong enough - you are doing an amazing job and having some help will just make it easier I hope.
post #48 of 77

You're in a hyper-intense period right now.  While I never added in an older child to the mix, the year of having 3 kids under 2 was very very difficult in my marriage.  I was sure we were going to be over;  but I'm glad I listened to another friend who said to not make any permanent declaration or decision until things had evened out with the kids.  Even the best relationships (DH and I had an almost fairy tale romance and marriage as far as nauseatingly wonderful and perfect--and we're pretty much sickening now!) can have some offroad moments and big speed bumps!  I second bringing in marriage counseling if you can swing it--NOT because there's something "wrong" with you, but to help you negotiate this time so that you minimize the damage when you've got two frazzled folks in a really intense time!
 

post #49 of 77
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Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:25am
post #50 of 77

I think counseling will help you guys so much... I hope you can get that ball rolling this week... 

please also be very gentle with your little guy when he pisses you off -- I KNOW how hard it is, believe me, but you have to remember how hard this is for him too, and how he is struggling to fit into your family.  getting angry and putting him in time-out won't solve the problems, you need to make sure you are calmly explaining the rules to him, and being loving and having fun with him too.   I'm sure you are, just wanted to offer a reminder, I know how much I needed them when our kids first came into our family.  

Have you read 'the connected child'?  it's a great book, I highly recommend it...

 

hang in there!

post #51 of 77
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Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:25am
post #52 of 77

Child Trauma Assistance
Your adopted child may have experienced
trauma. This can make it difficult for your child
to develop healthy attachments, relationships,
and behaviors. Despite your love, your lifelong
commitment to your child, and your safe,
nurturing home, your child may continue to
suffer from the effects of previous traumas. These
behaviors may include uncontrollable crying,
repetitive tantrums, withdrawn or aggressive
behavior, excessive clinginess, difficulty sleeping,
lack of concentration, anxiety, loss of hope, and
constant conflicts with others at home, school
and in the community.

 

 

 

I found this blurp on an adoption website.  The behavior your step son is exhibiting seem similar to what is described here.  Please get him help.  He is not a naughty boy-  he is a victim of his circumstance and is in need of counseling, unconditional love and a safe nurturing home.   He has been through a lot it seems.  Please try to be patient with him and seek out the support he needs. 
 

post #53 of 77
Thread Starter 

resolved.


Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:26am
post #54 of 77

Of course it is hard!  I am sorry they are not offering you more resources.  there are some books I think have been mentioned here you could order or try to get from the library and read while you are waiting.

 

I can try to get a list together for you, if you would like.

 

You don't have to go it alone- I am just trying to offer you a gentle suggestion as to what is really going on here and his behavior is just an outlet for his feelings that are most likely badly damaged.

 

SO ... what I am suggesting is to not concentrate so much on the behavior, concentrate on his heart and soul and figure out a way to find the good in him and build on that.

post #55 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

. I don't get it.

 

 

I am just trying to help you get it is all.

 

This is going to take empathy and understanding and love.  Children are very perceptive of our feelings .... I hope you can reach down and find some good in this child and build on that. 

 

For an exercise-

Think of 3 things you like about this boy- your step son.

post #56 of 77
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Resolved.


Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:26am
post #57 of 77
Huge hugs Brascos. I think what is going on is very much like taking one step forward and then 2 steps back. Progress is slow, and uneven. And, of course he's mad that you won't let him do whatever he wants!! That doesn't mean you let him though - I tell my ds 'it is my job to keep you safe. When I say no it is because doing my job'

When he has these meltdowns, rather than your DH having a heart to heart can he do an activity with dss? Reading a favorite book, baking something, playing chase at the park? Doesn't matter what it is - just something to help build the connection.

Also - do not be worried about the social worker. She will not remove a child from a home based on a few words from a 4yo. Especially if he is well fed, dressed, and in a loving environment - which he is.
post #58 of 77
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Resolved


Edited by BrascosPrincess - 5/22/12 at 11:26am
post #59 of 77

our adopted son tells us he hates us all the time.  he says "I'll kill you" or "I'm going to punch you in the face!" but he doesn't mean it.  kids are good at figuring out which phrases piss you off the most, and they use those ones when they are feeling insecure -- it takes a LONG time to build trust, to build attachment, etc, and until you have a good foundation with your son, he really has no reason to want to please you... it just takes time, and an otherworldly amount of patience. and love. and it takes time to build those things, especially when a kid, who is essentially a stranger to you, is living in your home, treating your kids like crap.  It's ok, it's natural to want to protect YOUR kids, and it will take a bit of time to start seeing him as YOUR kid -- it's ok to feel that, it's ok to admit that you don't quite feel the same way about him YET that you do about your bio kids -- that's normal, and it's ok, and it will come in time. Try not to be defensive, everyone here is trying to help you, and most of us have been exactly where you are now.  Your social worker will understand that at age 4, just about all a kid has in his arsenal, when he's feeling vulnerable and needs to build that wall back up, is to lash out at you guys, even the baby, lol.... especially that dang baby, who everyone loves and forgives so easily!!  this is all really normal stuff, and it's actually a good thing that he is willing to lash out at you guys, it means he trusts you enough to try to irritate you, but he hasn't settled in enough to realize that he doesn't have to try to push you away.  when you punish him for his behavior, by taking away privileges or putting him in time-out, you're not building the relationship -- you can't really parent traumatized kids the same way you would parent other kids -- yes, you need to be consistent in helping him learn the rules, but that often involves more creative discipline strategies -- time-ins (where you sit holding him), or time-outs where they stay near you, rather than excluding them from the family are better... taking things away from him as punishment will probably backfire, unless it's something he's using to hurt people... it's not easy, you need a lot of creative strategies... have you read 'Playful Parenting'?  It's not an adoption focused discipline book, but it's a great way to get past punitive measures for "bad" behavior.

 

as for birth certificate and social security card, is your husband on your son's birth certificate yet?  look up 'vital statistics' in your state, and it should tell you what you need to get a new birth certificate.  go into the social security office and ask what you need to do to get a new card for your son.  It seems like a difficult process, but it really isn't if you just take small bites out of it -- your social worker will not likely have a lot of time for walking you through the forms, etc -- go straight to the source, they will let you know what you need to do, and it's not complicated, unless your husband's paternity hasn't been recognized yet.  These might be things he has to do, since he is the dad -- set aside a morning this week to work on this together, so you can get counseling going asap -- have you asked your social worker if there are free counseling services for him through the state?  Don't pretend for the social worker -- be honest and ask her/his help getting the help your son needs -- social workers are well aware that kids have a hard time settling into new homes, especially after such a traumatic beginning in life.

 

hang in there!!
 

post #60 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

um excuse me I do have empathy and understanding and love. And I don't have to reach deep down to find some good things in him because I know there is a lot more than three things that I like about him. To even say that to me is extremely offensive and pisses me off.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

 

 

I am just trying to help you get it is all.

 

This is going to take empathy and understanding and love.  Children are very perceptive of our feelings .... I hope you can reach down and find some good in this child and build on that. 

 

For an exercise-

Think of 3 things you like about this boy- your step son.


I know you are venting here but you are not conveying any of those things not that you have to... vent away. 

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