I'm a 25-year-old, full-time working mom living in Northern California. I have a gorgeous 10 month old daughter who is the love of my life as well as a wonderful husband who I've been with for 10 years this summer. I'm have a degree in English Literature and teach high school, but I'm working on my Master's degree in Education. Since graduating from college and getting married, my husband and I have had a really difficult time finding good, steady jobs. We've moved cross-country every summer since our wedding in 2009. We were in an area we loved last year, but when we found out that I was pregnant (it was unplanned), we decided we needed to be somewhere where we could earn better money and live closer to our families. As I'm sure most people know, teaching jobs are not easy to come by, especially not in California. We came up short for work and ended up moving in with my parents when my daughter was less than one month old. We lived with them for about a month until I was offered my current job. It was a teaching job, though not in my desired subject area and about eight hours north of where our family lives. Still, we took the job because we needed the income and insurance for our little family.
Over the months since Lily, my daughter, was born I've felt a mounting feeling of depression and loneliness. My current job is a nightmare. I'm teaching a subject I don't enjoy and my students are unresponsive and, often times, disrespectful. Coming from my previous school where my students and I had a very close bond and I felt very happy professionally, this has been difficult for me to deal with. My husband stays at home with our daughter and although I prefer this to putting her in daycare, I find myself feeling bitter and resentful towards him because he gets to stay home with her and I don't. When I get home from work I am physically and emotionally exhausted and I take it out on him and my daughter. I found out a few months ago that my contract isn't being renewed, which has only made me hate my job and resent the time I have to spend there more. Professionally, I feel completely unworthy. I became a teacher because I love kids and I love teaching. I'm not one of those old, bitter teachers who hates children and refuses to go the extra mile. However, I don't feel supported by my administrators, fellow teachers, or valued in the slightest by my students.
I'm a complete mess. When I'm not overcome with worry about what we will do for jobs after my contract expires this year, I'm feeling guilty for allowing myself to wallow in my unhappiness when I should be able to recognize what a wonderful life I have. My daughter is so wonderful and so much fun to watch as she grows up. I love her more than anything. Most days she is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I feel like that should be enough to keep me smiling and satisfied with my life, but it's not. The guilt over my feelings is eating me up. On top of all that I feel like my family's upcoming financial instability is my fault.
I don't have any close friends that I feel I can share this with. I don't like to complain to people or burden others with my problems. When I tell my husband it just brings him down with me and then we're both depressed. I feel like if there's nothing he can do about it there's no sense in making him feel bad too.
I want to feel happy in my life again and know that I'm not alone in my feelings. I want to feel valued as a person, a professional, and a mother. Right now I feel like I'm failing at every level of my life and it's a devastating feeling. I would really appreciate just having someone to talk to and share my feelings with.