May Chit Chat - Page 9 « Back to Group Discussions

[birdhappy85]

Originally Posted by seraf 

He has been pulling up for about 3 weeks now, we play a lot of standing/walking/dancing games so he might be a little earlier than other kids. He's also gargantuan, so maybe some of that is muscle. 21 lbs 8 oz and 28.5 inches. Most strangers assume he is about 9 months.

That is impressive that Shay is pulling himself up!

I feel like I have a giant baby over here too, heightwise. When anyone asks me how old she is and I tell them just shy of 6 months, they're surprised. She's my only baby so I didn't realize just how tall she looks until I had a playdate with a friend and her almost 9-month-old baby girl yesterday. WOW. I was shocked. If I hadn't known any better, I would've thought they were the same age or Sora was older! She looked so much bigger sitting next to the other baby, even though she's 1-2 lbs lighter. She also seemed to be hitting the same milestones that the 9-month-old was hitting. They really acted the same... Sora was even better at grabbing at things, was more energetic and more curious in her surroundings. The other baby was just better at propping up on her hands in a kneeling position, but I think Sora will probably walk before she crawls since she hates being on her belly still.  She prefers standing while holding our hands. It was too fun watching them interact... They were petting each other's faces over and over and over. LOL! Then they started seeing who can push the other over first. Ha!

[TalkToMeNow]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

I really wish Dionna's picture would've been on the cover of that Time magazine... I don't understand why the woman who did the cover agreed to that photo! It has done nothing but stirred up negative publicity about extended breastfeeding. At least, that's how every.single.person I know has viewed it. I don't agree that "any publicity is good publicity" when drawing attention to this particular subject... I possibly think this has done more harm than good. Even worse, in the aftermath I've seen more news shows and articles trying to lower non-AP or in-betweener mothers' guilt that they are apparently feeling in response to things. So not only has AP been deemed "extreme" and extended breastfeeding has even been made to look sexualized by that photo - completely turning people off - but mothers are also feeling like they're not doing a good enough job with their children, are feeling judged, and are feeling extreme guilt for their parenting choices. Not sure how this was a good thing...

Also, the cover girl shouldn't have taken her son onto the Today Show last week. Did anyone else see that? She was interviewed along with Dr. Sears. Her son was acting whiney the whole time and came across as spoiled... which makes AP look even worse. Interestingly, he looked a full year younger in person than he was made to look on the cover of the magazine, so that made me scratch my head. By the way, I had no idea Dr. Sears was so old. lol. I guess I imagined him being different than he was... I can see a lot of non-AP people thinking he was kind of overly lovey and dated from his interview. He didn't get to explain enough about what AP is like, so he made an analogy to explain natural parenting from the standpoint of if you're on a deserted island - these are the things you'd do... When I told my husband about it (and he has a complete outsider's viewpoint since AP is foreign to him), he interpreted Sears' island analogy completely different than I would've and opened my eyes to just how different people can interpret things... further complicating matters. Oy vey.

I totally agree with everything you wrote! I actually just went and found the Today Show segment and watched it. Great... so this lady is now the voice/ face of attachment parenting?? I could insert some bitchy comments about her, but I will refrain.  Anyway... I think the whole thing is just junky. All of my friends IRL are pretty mainstream. I'm sure I will eventually get asked if I will nurse Jasper like that lady on Time. Woo. Before, people would just be cool and respectful of my different style. I'm thinking now it will be seen as more of an us against them movement.

I think the Dr. Sears analogy about the island is ineffective. It's one I hear all the time. But if you think about it, it doesn't make sense to most people. Writing about being a cave bear mama on an IPAD?! Wearing and breastfeeding your baby just like your ancestors did it after DRIVING IN YOUR MINIVAN TO IKEA?! I get the point- I do. But to most people, everything has been modernized and that is a good thing. So they think parenting should be modernized, as well. Add to that how our modern society values independence above all else, and AP is a hard sell. 

Btw, why does everything have to have a name and be a movement all of a sudden? To me, AP is just "duh". I love my baby, so I want him to be content. AP stuff makes him content. End of story. It's like eating... I just started seeing stuff about clean eating, so I looked it up. Seriously? People need a guide for that? That's pretty much what I call "eating". Okay, I'm done. 

[TalkToMeNow]

Separate post, different topic, no more ranting! 

I went to Girl Scout leader dinner meeting on Monday, and I realized Jasper has now reached the age where no one mainstream will sympathize with my lack of sleep. Sigh. I mentioned how he wants to nurse all night still and does not want to sleep in his crib at all. Every single person agreed with the idea that a week of crying will solve that. The general attitude was that he's at the age where it's not him, it's me. I've got to put my foot down. Lol. Also, "Is he STILL nursing??" Ummm... he's only 6 months old? Anyway, at least now I know what not to share! At one point, I made the mistake of mentioning how dd2 slept with me until she was 5. Oops. That was met with some looks. 

But seriously, Jasper wants to nurse all night long. I am not sleeping well... I have lost the ability to sleep while nursing. I swear, I could do that in my early 20s. Also, I have to roll over to switch sides. It hurts my back to lean. Blah. I wouldn't mind it so much if we weren't still sleeping in a double bed. He actually fell out a few nights ago, so now I am super nervous when I nurse on that side. We can't get a bed rail because of the slats in our Ikea bed... it wouldn't hold. A bolster would take up too much of the limited space. We can't afford a new mattress (plus bedding and a frame!). Dh would never go for the mattress on the floor because of the dog. He already claims that the carpet messes with his allergies. Oh well... it's temporary. I'll just keep telling myself it will pass. 

[birdhappy85]

 I had to laugh at your comment about "clean eating" Amanda! That is too true! I also hate that I have to clarify every time I talk to someone about eating a certain "diet"... because I am just explaining my way of eating, not actually being on a diet, but that stupid word "diet" has become synonymous with eating less to lose weight... ugh.

I'm curious what the women at the Girl Scout leader dinner thought that a week of crying would accomplish? How exactly does that make a baby eat less at night? Are they actually trying to tell you to ignore any and all cues he's giving you regardless of hunger or anything he needs overnight just to force him to stay down in his crib? I don't understand that logic. I wonder what their views are on changing a wet diaper in the middle of the night too... 

Do you have any sound machines or soothers near/in the crib that Jasper could begin associating with sleeping in there? I have some ideas of things that might help him, since I've tried a million things with Sora... but if he's as picky as she has been, you might just have to keep tweaking things to find something that works. I can totally relate to losing the ability to sleep while nursing. I can only nurse Sora in bed for an hour or two max in the early morning, but unfortunately I'd never sleep if she were in bed with me all night. I prefer her being in her crib or pack 'n play, and she sleeps better too.

I do think getting Jasper to sleep in his crib is probably the best first step towards getting him to sleep longer stretches through the night. I've noticed if Sora sleeps in bed with me, she smells me and senses my presence, and she'll just keep going for the boob every hour or two like crazy, even if I have no milk left and she's clearly not hungry. Even if she's in the same room with me in her pack 'n play, she still seems to wake up more frequently than if she's in her crib in her own separate bedroom... I know some people are hardcore into co-sleeping in the same room, so I'm not trying to say that all babies behave like this, but it has been mine and a friends' experience for sure that our babies wake more from that.

Sora has a ridiculously hard time going down for bedtime (as everyone is well aware of!) and I might've just found a soother to help her. My step-MIL gifted the baby one of those crib aquarium soothers that hangs on the side glowing and making gentle sounds for the baby to watch and then drift off to. I never thought I'd go for one of those, but it actually has been winding Sora down better than anything else we've tried! She fusses a little when she's about to fall asleep so I pick her up for just a minute or two, she falls asleep on my shoulder, then I place her back down and she's asleep for the night. Some people are against sleep "props" but I am SUCH a fan of sound machines and now this aquarium soother. I think we now have like 5 or 6 sound machines of different kinds for this baby... oy. lol

Months ago when Sora was at a peak of waking up every hour or two and she wasn't in a growth spurt (it was lasting weeks on end of this frequent waking...) I read something online that was a lifesaver for us. First it said that sometimes your baby just wakes up expecting to be in the same position doing the same thing they did as they fell asleep, so changing how they fall asleep can help those types of wakings (if you're having any of those). Sora seemed to startle awake less when I stopped nursing her to sleep and setting her in her crib that way, which just kind of happened on accident anyway since she stopped wanting to nurse to bed most nights and I had to find another solution. The second and most priceless thing I read is that sometimes mothers are too quick to offer the breast at every waking. I thought that Sora must've been hungry every time... I just hadn't even thought about her possibly NOT being hungry and just waking to be put back down. All I did when she woke up for most of the wakings was pick her up, rest her head on my shoulder, bounce/sway her back to sleep in a minute flat, and then set her back down. It took me just 2 or 3 days of it and she was sleeping longer and longer stretches till she only woke maybe once or twice to eat at the same times so I knew she was actually hungry those times. It didn't even require crying. 

[seraf]

Amanda, honey, I'm sorry you're in the south.

[seraf]

Amanda, sorry, not a productive answer. I don't really tell people when I'm sleep deprived. Falling off the bed stinks. What if you put a strip of cardboard or something on top of the slats? Then the bedrail wouldn't fall through and your DH wouldn't be any closer to the carpet.

Joanie, Shay definitely wakes sometimes when he isn't hungry but needs to pee. One of the cool things about nursing is that it serves more purposes than nutrition, and comfort can come from rocking or nursing for some babies. I've been thinking a lot about differences in sleep locations this past week. When Soren sleeps cuddled with Sara, I don't hear him wake up. When he sleeps cuddled with me, she doesn't hear him and I have to wake her up. When Shay sleeps a few inches from me I don't hear him until he is more awake. All these places they are inches away from me. I wonder if they slept in another room, even with a baby monitor, if I would hear them enough to wake. Or if they would have to get way more upset before I got to them. I know every family is different(lol, and possibly easier to awaken than we are) Shay sleeps almost all night despite sleeping up next to me.

[birdhappy85]

Your bedsharing arrangements sound great, Sara.  I wish bedsharing worked for me. I think it's GREAT when both baby and mother are well rested and all needs are met in that kind of arrangement! I don't want to come across as saying what worked for me would work for everyone else, since I know that co-sleeping has worked for SO many moms on this forum and beyond. In Amanda's situation, though, it sounds like she's tried having Jasper sleep in a crib to no avail (?) and she is losing too much sleep with her current arrangements. At that point I'd explore other solutions for everyone's well-being.

Sara, how do you fit so many people in a bed? That's another thing that crossed my mind. I swear I'm not massively obese(!) and I still have a hard time fitting comfortably in my queen size bed with just me and Sora! (DH works nights so doesn't ever share the bed with me.) I know if our bed wasn't so soft then we'd feel like there's more room since my body weight dips the pillowtop down to the point that Sora kind of has to snuggle closer or she'd be on an angle in the bed... but still! When I nurse the baby in bed every morning and doze off for another hour or two of sleep, I always end up moving her further away from me when she is done nursing since I sleep better with my own space. Even then I feel cramped since my giant baby has long arms and legs that inevitably end up reaching me and waking me up. LOL

I am such a light sleeper... I sleep with a loud fan on AND have the baby monitor a few yards away from me pretty close to the fan actually and I can still hear Sora the second she wakes up with any little peep at night. My body always wakes me up right before her 4:30am waking anyway since it knows she's about to wake up and eat. It's crazy!

[jbk21]

I am a light sleeper, too.  Cosleeping is pretty awful for me.  I'm trying to figure something out....  so far him being in the same room on his own mattress on the other side of the room is good enough.

I wake if my kid so much as whimpers lightly in another room.  

Dylan is one of those babies that can be comforted by other means most of the time.  He nurses a couple times a night though.  Sometimes more.  I feel like I can tell if he is hungry or just needs snuggled/repositioned.  

[TalkToMeNow]

Lol, Sara!

Quick phone reply: I'd like him in the crib to start only so that I can get a tiny bit of sleep by myself. When he is in the bed, I have to sleep facing him on my side. Also, he wants to nurse all the time, like I mentioned. If I had a bigger bed, I'd be more comfortable. Right now, there is no way to scoot away from him and stretch out.

Also, wow our monitors suck! The few times he has been in his room, we've had the monitor on. Constant feedback!

The cardboard is a great idea, Sara! I'm going to try that. At least with the rail I will worry less.

[MrsKatie]

Amanda - ugh. KJ is a challenging sleeper, for sure.  Last week she woke every HOUR one night.  We just moved and our new bedroom gets a TON of light.  It's been getting dark like after 9pm... and it's light at 5:15 am.  Plus street lights, etc.  We've been using a noise machine.  Plus, I just started putting KJ on her belly after she falls asleep and I think that is helping a whole lot!  So is having the king-sized bed.  Er, mattress on the floor.  Best baby-related investment we've ever made!  I hope you find something that works for you.  I know I haven't given any helpful advice but I promise I'll be thinking about it!

Abra - how are you?

I want to write more but I've got a fussy babe on my hands.  Be back soon!

[seraf]

I think I've just gotten lucky and had kids who sleep, but I don't know if that's because I sleep through their light stirrings or because they are just like that.  Shay has been sleeping til 8 some days recently (still 6 other days). Our bed is 2 beds together. I got the idea long ago from a family I nannied for.  Sara didn't want any adult to wind up on the twin bed because she worried we would be too far apart, so we sleep with the twin under our feet.  That makes our bed as wide as a king but a foot or so longer.  Shay mostly stays on the outside because I was worried about having him next to a baby. Then me, then either the baby or Sara depending on which side Soren nursed on last.  I spend most of the night between the babies, so I scoot low in the bed on my stomach with a hand up around each baby (not all night, but I feel like a body builder, flexing my biceps around them - I'm a stomach sleeper anyway, but I just started moving down in the bed because I don't like having my back to either of them).  Most mornings I move Shay next to the baby, I put him lower on the bed so Soren is closer to his head. I figure a little kick won't hurt Shay but a belly flop might hurt Soren.

I've seen pictures of you, you don't look big to me.  I think mattresses just dip (if they were hard they wouldn't be very comfortable).  In the beginning I had to roll up a blanket and wedge it under Soren to keep him from rolling into us at night.  It's funny, I'm way more anxious about risk with him than I was with the ones I birthed, but because they spent the whole night touching me I felt more aware of them at night.

[dashley111]

Katie we have the same light issue in our room   Its stays light in there until well after 9 and gets light again at 5.  Im thinking black out curtains.

[CDsMom1031]

I quit co-sleeping when Conner decided he was over it. =( That was at about 12 weeks old. He's so stinking independent, I hate it. But at the same time, I get my sleep now, so there are positives. I miss the days when he needed Mommy for everything. I'd love to still co-sleep but he absolutely will NOT sleep in bed with us.

He's extended his bed time in the last few days, which is fine with me, because now instead of going 7-7, he's going 8-8, maybe 830. I enjoy him being up later at night because I'm awake so I get more time with him... And I enjoy him sleeping in later because now I get more sleep, but now I also get less time with him in the mornings when he's his happiest... Everything has a positive and a negative, right?

[TalkToMeNow]

Wow... things with dd1 have gone from bad to nightmare. She has started acting out so much at home. Screaming, hitting, calling names. She told me to shut up and that I am stupid! She seems to be angry all the time. And she has decided to blame every issue in her life on dh. He has become her scapegoat for all her problems. All of a sudden, she hates him. I'm at such a loss... things are very tense around here. I contacted my insurance company for therapy info and am trying to get us into family therapy asap. I just have no idea how an almost 10 yo can have so much anger.  I know from talking to her that she has become fixated on the idea that life should go back to her, dd2, and me. Things were good then, in her mind. I'm not a therapist, but I'm thinking stuff wasn't so hard for her with her friends then... maybe she's associating the two? But she clearly thinks getting rid of dh is the answer... 

[MrsKatie]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Wow... things with dd1 have gone from bad to nightmare. She has started acting out so much at home. Screaming, hitting, calling names. She told me to shut up and that I am stupid! She seems to be angry all the time. And she has decided to blame every issue in her life on dh. He has become her scapegoat for all her problems. All of a sudden, she hates him. I'm at such a loss... things are very tense around here. I contacted my insurance company for therapy info and am trying to get us into family therapy asap. I just have no idea how an almost 10 yo can have so much anger.  I know from talking to her that she has become fixated on the idea that life should go back to her, dd2, and me. Things were good then, in her mind. I'm not a therapist, but I'm thinking stuff wasn't so hard for her with her friends then... maybe she's associating the two? But she clearly thinks getting rid of dh is the answer... 

Amanda, OMG. That sounds so stressful, I am so sorry!  Family therapy is a great move, I hope that works out soon.  I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, if I think of anything I'll let you know.  I'm just so sorry.

[Jaimee]

Oh, Amanda, I'm so sorry that your dd1 are so difficult right now.  That must be really hard, especially since you two just got married.  How does your dh feel about it all?  I hope this doesn't come off as trivializing things, but based on what you said in the Playful Parenting thread, I was wondering if some of this could stem from how he interacts with her and perhaps feeling a deep sense of not belonging like she used to.  If she's feeling some strong emotions about her current situation (friends, new marriage, new baby, etc.) and she's been unable to get those feelings out perhaps they're all coming out as anger toward something she can blame- someone that is safe to blame like you and your dh.  Just like he said in the book, the "bad behavior" is saved for those we love b/c it's safe.  And if he perhaps made a very concerted effort to connect with her on her terms that some of those feelings would play themselves out?  I don't have a 10 year old so I'm not sure what this would look like, but would she respond to some rough housing?  Pillow fight?  Some sort of exercising together?  Play acting?  Dancing?  Cooking?  Other hobbies she has?  Maybe he could take her out on the weekend?

Anyway, I know there is no quick fix... yay we had a pillow fight and everything is good... but I wonder if you/he might get some insight into what's brewing under the surface with some insistent, more playful interaction.  What did you do when she called you stupid?  I'm sure I would have been too dumbfounded to turn it around like Cohen suggests!

[birdhappy85]

 *hugs* Amanda - I'm sorry your dd1 is having such a hard time and acting out. I second what Jaimee suggested. I clearly have no experience parenting children older than my dear little 6-month-old, but from a standpoint of having been a very frustrated and angry child myself because of a highly dysfunctional and toxic family, I have noticed myself feeling better when DH "plays" back with me when I'm still (sadly as an adult) throwing a pissy fit. He often forgets to respond that way and gets defensive and angry back at me, which just makes me feel more neglected and angry. But if he gets me laughing in the middle of being angry, I somehow end up letting go of the anger fairly quickly and move on to engaging in whatever he has distracted me with. This sounds stupid because I'm an adult who STILL has behaved in this manner at times, but it's just my inner child who gets triggered sometimes still and needs the same kind of reinforcement and attention I needed as a kid to feel like I belong and am cared for. Maybe the roughhousing and "playing" back with a pre-teen would make her angrier... or maybe she'd be angrier at first (like I tend to get) and then start realizing how silly the situation is and let down her defenses. I don't know. Jaimee's ideas sounded worth a shot, though! Hang in there!

[seraf]

Amanda, no help but my 9 year old has been struggling the last couple of weeks too. We have been attributing some of it to the stress of the new baby but perhaps the little brother who is suddenly getting more opinionated has something to do with it. Good luck working it out.

[Mal85]

Amanda-- *hugs* I couldn't read and not respond. I have no experience dealing with what you're going through... or what she's going through, but I did watch it play out with my sister and her daughter. My niece's dad lives several states away from her. He's in her life, but she doesn't see him often. She has dealt with a lot of anger of her own, and it always surfaces as her fighting with and hating her stepdad. She's almost 13 now, but just a couple of years ago they put her into counseling. She was constantly angry, always fighting with her brother and stepdad. She would tell my sister daily that she just wanted her life to go back to the way it was before her stepdad came into their lives. She begged to go live back in the apartment they had lived in together. She hated him and she thought he hated her. She started saying--often--that she wished she'd never been born and she wished she would just die. It really worried my sister, so she started seeing a counselor. It really helped her... a ton. The counselor taught her some incredible ways to deal with her anger. I even caught her a few times showing her cousins some of the stuff her counselor had taught her when they were having a tough time. She was able to stop seeing the counselor and has a much better outlook... aside from her regular preteen moodiness.

[wellforth]

Amanda, we bought a twin bed and put it next to our double bed.  It works pretty well to give us more space.  Sara, that's a great idea to sleep across both beds, but I kind of like the space away from my snoring dh.  In the recent past, Luca has started only waking up 3-4 times a night to nurse, and it's great.  Sleeping for 2-3 hours, then nursing for 15-20 minutes, and repeating that--I can live all right on that kind of sleep.  The nine times a night was getting to me, so I def can relate to your situation.  The insomnia is really getting to me, though.

Also, Luca will not sleep without being touched.  That's just how it is.  We don't have a crib for him, and there would be no point.  He can't be transferred while sleeping; he wakes up completely.  He can't be patted, rocked, or sung to sleep, nor will he watch something and fall asleep.  He will nurse BACK to sleep, and often, I can just put my hand on his back or side, holding him close, and he will go back to sleep.  Also, I learned a trick!  I scooted him over to nurse one night (he's a bed hog), and he was on his side, almost on his stomach, and he fell back asleep without needing to nurse.  So if he's having trouble sleeping on his back, I'll just scoot him over onto his side, and if he's not hungry, he'll fall back asleep.  He pretty much always sleeps with his head in my armpit, with his belly up against my side.  I used to lay more on my side facing him, but I pulled a muscle in my back, and that seems to aggravate it more than anything.

And in other news, a 3 year old was accidentally shot and killed by his uncle across the street from us a few days ago.  It was awful.  I heard screaming (the mom's), and left our house to see what was going on and if I could help.  I saw too much.  It's not the first time I've seen someone who had been shot, but the fact that it was a toddler was too much for me.  I broke down, and I just can't get the image out of my head.  I'm glad my daughter was not home at the time.  I hugged Luca quite a bit when I got back home.

carey