May 2012 Rockstar Mamas

[MarineWife]

Member List:

lyeterae ~ Baby boy born February 2011
annie ~ Baby girl born April 7, 2011
Barefootscientist ~ Baby boy born May 30, 2011
AnnieA (due 7/18) ~ Baby girl born July 17, 2011
MarineWife (due 7/30) ~ Baby boy born July 25, 2011
Baby_Cakes (due 8/16) ~ Baby boy born August 16, 2011
MovingMomma (due 8/9) ~ Baby girl born August 18, 2011
akind1 (due 9/28) ~ Baby girl born October 11, 2011
mom2one (due 10/23) ~ Baby boy born October 21, 2011
jeninejessica (due 12/01) ~ Baby girl born November 29, 2011
Kindermama (due 1/6) ~ Baby boy born January 1, 2012


Last month's thread: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1349941/april-2012-rockstar-mamas-and-their-babies-better-late-than-never
Edited by MarineWife - 5/19/12 at 9:54am

[MarineWife]

He's still just distant and disengaged. He's burnt out from work he says and tired.

I have a perfect example of why I'll never accept this excuse from a man. My mom is 70. She still works full-time, at home. She works as a patent examiner for the United States Patent & Trademark Office. She examines applications for inventions of industrial chemical compositions to see if they will get patented. It's a very mentally taxing job. I know because I did pretty much the same thing for several years, although I examined bio-affecting chemical compositions. She does this and takes breaks throughout the day to walk her dog and play with my boys. At the end of the day she comes down and cooks dinner and/or cleans up for all of us. She'll take a break to watch Dylan and my older boys so I can take a shower or run to the store.

And, what about all those mothers who WOH and then come home and cook, clean, play and read with the kids and then get everyone ready for and into bed? They work just as hard as any man but they don't come home and say they are burned out or used up and can't possibly do anything else.

That's fine if everyone is happy with it. But if someone isn't happy, something needs to change. Either the partner who is vegging out needs to step up or the other partner needs to accept things the way they are.

[Baby_Cakes]

subbing!

Yes - exactly.  I agree 100%.  Then there are single moms!!  Don't even get me started!!

How do you feel about things knowing now he wasn't ignoring you?  Still considering not going back?  You'd have to at least go back to get the rest of your things...and talk to Ryan?  No? 

[AnnieA]

I agree w/you MW. When I worked 8-5, I'd still have to come home and cook dinner, monitor homework, get the kids through the shower and in to bed plus clean up the kitchen, wash clothes, pack lunches, etc. It's just part of being a grownup. DH did stuff too but there was no way that I would just say "Oh I'm burned out from work tonight." What I may have done was do an easy supper since I was tired. Grab pizza or something. Maybe figure out if I can push the clothes washing to the next day, etc. Decide to do lunches early the next morning, etc. But not doing the work wasn't an option.

Baby_Cakes, I'm glad that your shopping trip today went better! I've found that setting expectations is a HUGE help, even if I feel like I'm stating the obvious. Sometimes they just need a reminder, especially if I'm in a hurry. I usually say something like "We need to get in and out so I need you guys to stay with me today" or if we're not in a hurry I'll tell them they can go off on their own and look but they need to meet back at X time. And if I hear/see yelling, running, hitting, etc, then they have to stay with me.

MW, there's a playground at the USMC museum that's a lot of fun. That may be a good place to meet. Easy to get to, free parking, free entrance to museum if anyone needs to use the bathroom and there's lots of shade. We can FB message about it later on in the month. I'll probably still go to IKEA that day since I'll already be up there. We have a crib from there. It was $100 and I love it. It doesn't come with a mattress though. You have to buy that separate.
 

[MarineWife]

Carrie ~ I meant to say the same thing Annie did. Glad you had a better day shopping.

One thing that's supposed to be helpful when telling kids your needs and expectation before something is to make positive statements. So, instead of saying, "No running, yelling, hitting," you could say, "Walk next to me," "Talk in a quiet voice," "Keep your hands to yourself." It's a lot easier to list a few things that are ok to do rather than the multitude of things you don't want them to do.

Have you noticed any correspondence between the problems you're having with Nora and when Chris is home or away? My boys have a really hard time adjusting right after Sean leaves and comes home. Most of the time, if I can switch my reaction to responding to their angst over that rather than just focusing on how they are "acting out" (which a lot of times I wonder if they are vs. me just being overly sensitive myself from the change), things go a lot more smoothly.

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

How do you feel about things knowing now he wasn't ignoring you?  Still considering not going back?  You'd have to at least go back to get the rest of your things...and talk to Ryan?  No? 

I was mostly joking about not going back. I am kind of ambivalent about it, though. There are a few things I've been thinking I need to get straight in my head. For example, if I didn't try to contact someone (boyfriend, spouse, significant other) for 3+ days, especially after a fight, it would be because I was over it. That's me, though. That's not Sean. It was only 1 day, anyway. I project a lot of my thoughts, feelings and intentions on to him when maybe he's not thinking, feeling or meaning any of it. I need to work on that.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Carrie ~ I meant to say the same thing Annie did. Glad you had a better day shopping.
One thing that's supposed to be helpful when telling kids your needs and expectation before something is to make positive statements. So, instead of saying, "No running, yelling, hitting," you could say, "Walk next to me," "Talk in a quiet voice," "Keep your hands to yourself." It's a lot easier to list a few things that are ok to do rather than the multitude of things you don't want them to do.
Have you noticed any correspondence between the problems you're having with Nora and when Chris is home or away? My boys have a really hard time adjusting right after Sean leaves and comes home. Most of the time, if I can switch my reaction to responding to their angst over that rather than just focusing on how they are "acting out" (which a lot of times I wonder if they are vs. me just being overly sensitive myself from the change), things go a lot more smoothly.
I was mostly joking about not going back. I am kind of ambivalent about it, though. There are a few things I've been thinking I need to get straight in my head. For example, if I didn't try to contact someone (boyfriend, spouse, significant other) for 3+ days, especially after a fight, it would be because I was over it. That's me, though. That's not Sean. It was only 1 day, anyway. I project a lot of my thoughts, feelings and intentions on to him when maybe he's not thinking, feeling or meaning any of it. I need to work on that.

Agreed about the positive statements.

It's always when he's back.  When he's gone I feel like things are a well oiled machine.  I'm tired but we get thru and we are happy as clams, no bedtime issues, etc.  Then when he comes home, it's disrupted.  It leads to me being resentful of him being home, too.  

Both kids asleep by 830 tonight!   I guess I did wear them out somehow, lol.  I thought we'd be up late for sure.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

It's always when he's back.  When he's gone I feel like things are a well oiled machine.  I'm tired but we get thru and we are happy as clams, no bedtime issues, etc.  Then when he comes home, it's disrupted.  It leads to me being resentful of him being home, too.

That's where to start looking for the solution, then. What can you and Chris do to make the transition more peaceful? You said a while back that you are the disciplinarian and he's the good guy. Does she want extra time with Dad since he's home but you are trying to keep to a schedule? If so, could you relax the schedule at least for a bit? Or, is it the other way around? Are you more relaxed about things when he's gone but he wants things done more rigidly? If so, explain to him that things go easier if you make a slow change rather than an abrupt one.

I'm just brainstorming what the issues might be and what might work to make things better. Since I'm not there, I obviously don't really know what's going on. Shoot, lots of times when I am there with my own family I don't know what's going on.

[MarineWife]

Ya know what just occurred to me? Maybe she's not getting the attention she wants from Chris after he's been gone. That would explain her saying that she hates you and wants Daddy. Maybe you could schedule some special time for just her and Chris.

[Baby_Cakes]

Hmm.  Let me think.  It could be any of those things!

When he's home...I think I relax the routine.  Things are a little looser, not as strict.

I think she would LOVE more attention from him.  I wish he would make her more of a priority.

I didn't mention this to you guys, I don't think, but there was one day in particular after he got back from a long trip, over a week gone.  It was the first whole day back (he'd gotten home the night before, we were all well rested, etc)  and we were all outside playing.  Finn was getting tired so I went to put him for a nap.  I got him down, and went back out to find Chris just playing on his phone, while Nora played alone.  I asked him if he'd stay out with her so I could clean up the house a bit, and he could spend time with her.  He gave me a look and said he would but he was bored.  I was livid.  I was hurt.  How dare he say that about our daughter?  Who he hadn't seen for over a week?  Its comments and things like that that make me feel like he's just unhappy with us.

A friend of mine put it bluntly.  Playing things with your kids isn't for YOU, you idiot.  Play with your kid.  Make her feel like she's amazing.  It's not about how mentally stimulating it is for YOU!  Ugh.

Needless to say I told him to put the phone away and play with her while I cleaned.  I couldn't even believe him at that moment and I was too upset to deal with it any other way.

[akind1]

Carrie: someone told me once that toddlers don't hear the negative, so when you say, DON'T do X, they hear do x, which is frustrating al round. I try really hard to tell Gabe what he can do, vs what he can't.

Husbands: no advice. Sometimes hands off works. But most of the time kids crave interaction. Force a daddy/daughter date?

Gabe has been better the last couple days. Maybe one of those mercury in retrograde things again.

Busy weekend ahead.

[Baby_Cakes]

Idk.  I think he's got a big head about his job.  This is just me talking out my ass, but I think he feels super important/big hot shot and then he comes back home to us and we are little people or something?  And not as interesting?  Idk.  I wonder what he expects.

Katrina - I agree!  It's much more effective to list what you can do in general.  Coming off the last shopping trip tho, I just wanted to be super clear about what I would not tolerate.  You know?  It's all a crap shoot anyway.

When do they stop being toddlers and start being kids?  I feel like Nora just isn't a toddler anymore.  She's such a KID to me!  Ugh, such a big girl.  

I know all I do is complain lately but honestly, my heart and soul could not love these children any more.  They are why I live and breathe.    We are just in rough patch I think.  Maybe even Nora senses all the issues DH and I are having.  

Is it the weekend already??  OMG.  Where did the week go?

[akind1]

Maybe the time in Disney, where it's all family all the time, will help.

Carrie - I would like the wrap - no rush, but making sure that didn't get lost in the shuffle.

I have too much crammed in as usual. Walking with mama friends this morning, working,, then off to the strawberry festival an hour or more away with my sister, for Gabe to ride rides and listen to a concert by a friend's band that is taking off - Paper Tongues - I love their stuff - and spend Saturday doing more festival stuff and maybe IKEA. Do not ask me how I have the energy or wherewithall to do all this crap. I want to do it, it will get done, and we will have a good time doing it!

Coffee. Lots of Coffee.

Oh, and Gabe has his first sunburn :( We didn't use sunscreen this time, bc we weren't out for very long, and were in shade a good part of the time.

[Baby_Cakes]

Oh I didn't forget!  Chris has a pp account so once I can talk to him (he was gone yesterday) I'll ask him for it and then I'll ship it out Monday!  Oh.  Let me go on FB and get your address!  Yay!

We slept so good last night!  I needed it!  Nora did her usual 12+ hours and Finn only woke for a quick nurse at 11, 2, and then 5.  Back to sleep and then up for the day at 8.  So nice.  This is what I could get used to.  If he drops that 2 am, it would be PERFECT.

Nora didn't sleep like this while nursing EVER.  She was an up every hour baby until well past a year.  So.  Not to jinx it but I hope our luck continues.

School day today, and not much else planned.  I talked briefly to DH about looking into a cleaning lady to come like 1 or 2 times a month to deep clean the kitchen/bathroom, dust fans, etc.  He gave me the go ahead to start looking!    Sanity, you are closer than I thought!  

[annie2186]

Subbing! How is it May (4th!!!!) already?

I agree - boys are silly when they think that going to work is an excuse to unplug when they get home. I actually would RATHER go to work some days just to break up the monotony of my life! I really really look forward to Sat nights (when I go to work) sometime. I get to actually get away from the consistent "mommy, mommy, mommy".

Some days my kids are good, some days not. Usually they are in between. The baby is really starting to get her own attitude.....for the moment it is still pretty cute! 

[akind1]

Yay! I am excited, it has such pretty colors in it!

And hooray for good sleep. What sleep I got was good (we didn't get to bed until 1 - all for good cause, but still) but need more! I got some sweet pics of the 2 of them while nursing today, there is a lot of boob in the shots, but whatever.

I agree - I love my one day in the office! - makes me miss and appreciate my family. GTG work . . .ugh. so glad it's Friday!

[MarineWife]

I thought last night that I should have said, all mothers who have a second job rather than just WOHMs, Kat. You obviously don't come out of your home office after being holed up all day and then just zone out with some other media.

I don't think there's really anything wrong with Chris saying that he's bored. Like I said before, I get bored fast when out by myself doing things for the kids. I get bored at home by myself with the kids, too. One thing that does help me is to shift my mind away from all the things I'm thinking in my mind that I need to do or could be doing instead and totally focus on the kids. Or, take something to occupy myself while they play. Of course, if I were gone for a week, I'd focus on the kids rather than something to distract me while they play. I don't know if Chris would be open to hearing that.

Carrie ~ I would tell him how you feel about him thinking you guys are less than or something. Try to do it in a non-accusatory way. Make "I" statements rather than "You" statements. Gah! Tried to come up with a good example but I can't right now. Basically, the sentence would go, "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___." You could even leave out the "because" part if you can't come up with a way to say it without sounding accusatory. That's the part where I'm getting stuck.

I'm feeling a lot better being here, just having another adult to talk to daily is nice. I started Zoloft the day before yesterday. I think it kept me from sleeping last night. I was sitting in the living room at 9 pm barely able to keep my head up and eyes open but when I went to bed I couldn't sleep. I was awake until at least 2:30 am. Dylan woke up around 7:45. We stayed in bed and I let him flop around for a while and he actually fell back to sleep. We didn't get up again until almost 10! Oh, the newest thing is that I say, "Dylan, lay down. Everyone is sleeping," and he immediately flops down where ever he is and is still. It's so cute. I think he's still tricking me about being asleep, though, because as soon as I think he's out and try to roll over he pops back up. hehe

[MarineWife]

Carrie ~ I have to share something that I think you'll get a kick out of. My mom is making food for a vegan potluck that some people at her church are having tonight. Ethan went with her when she went shopping for the food. She's making a curry so she bought some yogurt to make that cucumber/yogurt cream sauce that goes with curry a lot. Ethan pointed out to her that yogurt was not vegan since it's dairy. She hadn't realized. I'm not sure how Ethan knew that. He must have just put two and two together from hearing me talk about vegan stuff.

[annie2186]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Carrie ~ I have to share something that I think you'll get a kick out of. My mom is making food for a vegan potluck that some people at her church are having tonight. Ethan went with her when she went shopping for the food. She's making a curry so she bought some yogurt to make that cucumber/yogurt cream sauce that goes with curry a lot. Ethan pointed out to her that yogurt was not vegan since it's dairy. She hadn't realized. I'm not sure how Ethan knew that. He must have just put two and two together from hearing me talk about vegan stuff.

What a smart kid! I was actually confused by the whole vegetarian/vegan thing. I think the first time I heard vegan I wondered if it was different from vegetarian. I figured it was since it was a different name! LOL 

I think a TV show is actually when I figured out that it was no animal by-products at all. Strangely enough - Carmelite Nuns are always vegetarian and then during Lent they are Vegan (I never realized there was a name for it growing up). Of course, they do it for penance purposes. You lead a life of penance Carrie 

MW - Glad you're feeling better! 

[onetwoten]

Ooops! I stopped getting notifications, but I thought it had been a day or two, not almost a week!

I keep forgetting, but in the member list- my due date was 12/01 not 12/10. Baby girl was two days early- ironically, my sister and I were both two days early as well! 

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

...  I got him down, and went back out to find Chris just playing on his phone, while Nora played alone.  I asked him if he'd stay out with her so I could clean up the house a bit, and he could spend time with her.  He gave me a look and said he would but he was bored.  I was livid.  I was hurt.  How dare he say that about our daughter?  Who he hadn't seen for over a week?  Its comments and things like that that make me feel like he's just unhappy with us.

A friend of mine put it bluntly.  Playing things with your kids isn't for YOU, you idiot.  Play with your kid.  Make her feel like she's amazing.  It's not about how mentally stimulating it is for YOU!  Ugh.

Needless to say I told him to put the phone away and play with her while I cleaned.  I couldn't even believe him at that moment and I was too upset to deal with it any other way.

Rob does stuff like that. I'll hand off T and tell him I just need some time alone. I'll come back 10 minutes later to find him on the computer, holding her, while she watches tv. Like... her playmat with all her toys is two feet away. Sit your ass down and PLAY with her! I have her for 22+ hours a day. He can play with her for 30 minutes without turning a movie on. I even pointed it out to him, and he got upset. His reasoning is that if she's happy watching baby einstein isn't that what matters. Except that-- she's 5 months old. I use the stupid video for 15 minutes so I can eat breakfast in the morning, but I don't want her watching it when we're perfectly able to be playing with her!

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

I don't think there's really anything wrong with Chris saying that he's bored. Like I said before, I get bored fast when out by myself doing things for the kids. I get bored at home by myself with the kids, too. One thing that does help me is to shift my mind away from all the things I'm thinking in my mind that I need to do or could be doing instead and totally focus on the kids. Or, take something to occupy myself while they play. 

I'm feeling a lot better being here, just having another adult to talk to daily is nice. I started Zoloft the day before yesterday. I think it kept me from sleeping last night. I was sitting in the living room at 9 pm barely able to keep my head up and eyes open but when I went to bed I couldn't sleep. I was awake until at least 2:30 am. 

^^It's hard because it's two different things. I totally get being 'bored' playing with the kids. But that doesn't give him an excuse not to put an effort into it! She thinks you walk on water-- earn some of that! lol

I was on citalopram (Celexa) for a short time, and I had some similar symptoms. I would be tired, but then when I tried to sleep my mind would just race. I ended up going off it really suddenly because I couldn't stand the way it made me feel. I told my doctor that after 3 weeks of being on it, I totally get why one of the rare side effects is suicide attempts. I was actually on it as an anti-anxiety med to help me sleep, and once I did fall asleep, I slept well. But when I was awake, I felt like I was coming out of my skin. It was like I could feel the adrenalin pumping through my body, and my mind would race all over the place, even talking seemed weird because I could keep one thought in my mind long enough. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. 

[Baby_Cakes]

Hi ladies!!

MW - I knew you'd say that there's nothing wrong with him being bored!  I just think it's too easy to use that as an excuse to be lazy.  When you're bored with the kids do you tell them that?  Or tune them out?  No.  You do what you do b/c you are their role model and teacher and guide in this life.  Your feelings might be there, fine (I mean, please, playing trains isn't the most mentally stimulating part of my day either) but exactly what JJ said.  Earn your stripes.  BE the parent you want to be, don't phone it in.  

It's moot anyway b/c since we talked he is for sure changing.  He has taken the kids on a walk so I could run, taken Nora out shopping on his own, cleaned up the house on Friday when I was out running errands all day.  It's so nice.  I feel like I'm not the only person in the house anymore!  I walk into the kitchen and someone else has done dishes.  It's amazing and I love it.  I think slowly my walls are coming down, brick by brick.  

Ethan is so wise! Ha!  That's great!

I was on a bunch of different antidepressants thru my 20s and finally, after trying a few, the one that worked best for me was Effexor.  Everyone is different.  Give this one a shot, but ultimately if you feel like you aren't your self, or can't sleep, or feel itchy to get out of your skin, you can try a different combination.  I'm so glad though you have more support with your mom.  Excellent news.  

AFM - Finn was so restless last night!  And the night before, tbh.  Just wiggly, and floppy, and constantly moving and what not.  (Kind of like how Dylan must be sometimes...)  Which is not like Finn.  He's normally a passed out cold sort of baby.  Mama needs more coffee!!  And hopefully, since there's no shopping to do today, I can nap with him midday while Nora is at school.  If not, there's always more coffee!

Our seeds all sprouted!  I have to look up when to transplant them.  I want to get them in pots before we leave for Disneyworld.  (in EIGHT DAYS!! )