Hi ladies, I hope this is the right forum to place this thread in... I'm sorry it's so long, this is weighing heavily on me...
My husband is an alcoholic. We have been together for six years and married for four. We have two wonderful toddlers. When we dated, both of us drank and partied a bit with some recreational drug use. As time passed, I slowly became aware that he was far more into the drugs (he used much larger quantities no matter what it was and, in his recent past, he used "hard" drugs that I never did) and way WAY more into drinking than I was. I didn't really understand what I was getting into. He is very very functional, even in his worst years (which are behind him, thank God).
He no longer uses drugs and hasn't for years. I don't worry about him using drugs currently, he seems to know that this would destroy his life and he doesn't want that. BUT, he has never been able to stop drinking. He at one point would drink 16 beers in a night and still be walking around, talking to people, NO ONE knew how wasted he would get. Other times it's binge drinking to the point of throwing up. Currently, he drinks either a few high gravity beers or a whole bottler of liquor and then becomes hateful and belligerent towards me. This happens while the kids are sleeping. They have not witnessed his behavior since they were infants. I protect them from it deliberately. Then he's throwing up or passing out on the couch.
Money is tight for us, we are on food stamps and struggle with a (small, but huge for us) credit card debt. Yet he spends anywhere from 100 to 300 a month on alcohol. He recently charged the card right back up with about $100 of alcohol purchases, effectively negating the large payment I had just paid to it.) It's difficult to track because he seems to possibly hide it. This is causing us huge problems. I came one day and one tax return away from not being able to pay rent.
The longest he's been without drinking in six years was about nine months. He inflates this time period to something much longer when he's shouting at me about what a good husband he is. He lies all.the.time. I've never met someone who could lie like that besides his mother and I believe she has some sort of genuine behavioral disorder. I think growing up with her is part of why he lies without conscience now. He had to survive. He recently got back into drinking in January and we are already up to the bingeing/throwing up level again. He has thrown up on our front porch at night which is humiliating.
Tells me he can beat it, I just have to give him time. I tell him I love him but this will destroy our marriage if it continues. I fear it will continue.
If it's not alcohol then it's caffeine which makes him incredibly aggressive. He's never hit me but there have been times when I've thought he was close to it. I try not to aggravate him but small things make him blow up. Tonight I forgot to tell him that his sister would be stopping by to drop off some mail. When she got here he verbally tore into me, acted like I was conspiring against him, like I had invited a super villain or an ax-murderer into our house. He started going off about how I don't respect him because I forgot to tell him. He had spent all evening chewing my out about petty things, of course I forgot to tell him, I just wanted to run away! I leave the room and he follows me! Apparently he had consumed a huge amount of caffeine just prior to this.. He was threatening me that I should stop spending HIS MONEY (I am a sahm, a mutual choice we made right when we got married. What a cruel knife for him to twist...) and that I should go try living on my own for a while.
He has said these things before and it makes me feel so hurt, I don't even want to live with him. Correction, I do want to live with him, just not when he's been around anything even remotely mind altering.
I think it's more than just alcoholism, I think he has serious mental abuses from his childhood (which he denies but I see the signs) and I think he has general substance abuse problems, just now his substances are legal.
I could go stay with my parents for a night but I don't think it would really accomplish anything. I don't want them to know that we are having problems, my husband will give me hell if he suspects that they know about him ("Oh so you went to your MOMMY huh, yeah and you're dad is soo perfect and I'm just some worthless piece of shit" that sort of thing. Rants that don't make a lot of sense and are very one sided. He's not interested in talking like adults when he gets that way). Plus, even if he has a "wake up call" (yeah right, those are a myth) he will be back to his bullcrap within a week or two, tops.
So, I don't know what to do. I'm in a bad position. On the one hand I love this man so much. We have a mostly good life together and I consider our marriage to be mostly a good one. When substances aren't in the equation, life is very positive and normal. He is a pretty good dad and makes conscious efforts to improve. He is trying to bring himself and our family up in the world.
On the other hand, he has deep mental issues that I can't begin to understand. He scorns professional help and acts as though no one could possibly be qualified help him. I don't think he can progress without being genuinely committed to professional help relationship. He does not admit to suffering from alcoholism.
I have no doubt that if we were to separate he would decline sharply. I think he would blame me. He is either blaming me for what happens or he is going into absolute histrionics about what a bad person and piece of shit he is (none of which is true, he's actually a pretty stand up guy who just has addiction and abuse problems. He can't seem to separate his actions from who he is as a person), to the point where I wonder if he would benefit from an anti depressant. Except then he would abuse it too.
If I have to, I will leave him. But I don't want to. I just don't know what to do. He is so resistant to outside help, I think his pride and scorn are going to sink us all.
I just had to talk, I can't sleep until this is off my chest. I don't know anyone irl who I can talk about these things with.