Multicultural or Mixed Race families

[CA Country Girl]

Hello All

The Multicultural Parenting thread in parenting is barely active, but there are so things I would love to discuss with other mommies who have multicultural children.  Wondering if there are any of you out there who feel the same.  I guess I should introduce us.  My husband and I both have pretty diverse gene pools.  I am mostly European (many nationalities- some mysteries) but look most like the Southern European parts (revealing the mix with North Africa).  My husband is African American and Eastern European Jewish (with a wee bit of Native American).  We both get mistaken for many different things.  We have one 6 year old DD and are expecting another DD in June.  Our older daughter is starting to get to the part of her schooling when race and ethnicity are becoming issues that kids discuss.  Although we are in the SF bay, were there are a good number of multicultural families, we still struggle with how to raise our daughters to be prepared for negativity that they may encounter, but not to expect it.  On the lighter side- we are really curious, with the diversity of our possibilities, how much our new DD will look like our six year old.  Would love to have others to talk to.

[joyfulmomof2]

We are a "mixed race" family. DH is African-American and Caucasian (mostly Scandinavian descent, I believe) and some Native American. When I first met him, I was surprised to learn he was mixed, just because his A/A features seem so prominent to me (hair, dark skin). However most African-American people can tell that he's mixed- but usually people can't pinpoint exactly what, lol. I am Caucasian, mostly Irish/English but some Cajun-French and a little German. And a wee little bit of Native American.

We have an almost 5 year old DS and 2 1/2 year old DD, and expecting #3 in June. When I was first pregnant, I was so curious what the baby would look like. When he was born, I was really surprised that he mostly took after me. (I have dark, straight hair, blue eyes and fair skin- when I was little my hair was strawberry blond, which is what DS ended up with). He had blue eyes at birth and probably up until he was 2 or so, and now they're mostly green. DD, however, was born with very curly dark hair- it was almost black. Her hair has lightened up quite a bit, just a shade or so darker than her brother's. She has my eye color exactly and both children are as fair as I am.

Genetics can be so bizarre! My husband received a few comments after DS was born like "are you sure he's yours?" But they were all people we know, and they were (mostly) joking. My son has many of DH's facial features, and their profiles are almost identical, as he gets older, he definitely looks more like his dad in a lot of ways. Since DD looked a lot more like DH's side of the family when she was born, we didn't have people joking about her paternity. I have to remind myself that they are really only about 1/4 African American, so those features won't be as prominent in them. All that being said, most people think DS and DD look very much alike- which they do.

So far, we haven't really had any issues with being a mixed race family. I have had people ask about DD's hair- along the lines of "wow, where'd she get those curls?" A couple of women have even asked me if it's natural (umm...she's *two*!) but when I explain that her dad is half African-American people are like "ohhhh!" (People can be so weird. Ha ha). Anyway, I don't really anticipate negativity so much in the future. I know our area is definitely not as diverse as the Bay Area, but our church is quite diverse. Maybe once the children get outside of that circle of influence and start forming outside friends it might become an issue, but who knows? I think DH would obviously be a good resource if that ever happens. He also grew up in Northern CA, btw.

[CA Country Girl]

Nice to meet you Joyful.

People say our daughter looks "exactly" like both of us, depends on who she is with.   We get the comments about beautiful curls too, although no one has yet asked me if they were natural (that's pretty funny).  My husband and I both are used to kind of obnoxious questions like "what are you?" so we have given her some responses.  My DD keeps asking if the baby will look like she did when she was a baby.  I guess she is as curious as we are.  When are you due?  We are 6/26.

[CarryingLife]

This is an awesome question/ concern and I'm glad you posted it. I am partially Korean and partially caucasian . My husband is caucasian (a mix of numerous things). However, my daughter is from when I was a single parent and she is quite darker than both of us. Her hair and eyes are nearly black and her skin is a lovely tan all year long. Her biological father was Mexican. Now that I'm married and having my second child, I have concerns... I know this second child of ours will be lighter than my first born, with lighter hair, eyes, and skin tone... I'm worried about how others will react when they see us with two different color children. Two different races. I plan on preparing my children by letting them know that A) family is family and there isn't a color in the world that can separate that... and B) that beauty knows no race, shape, or form, because beauty is something that is within. I am not sure however, I will handle the public. I guess it's a learning process. But good luck and thanks for sharing your concern. While our situation is different, I'm glad I'm not the only one with similar concerns.

[CA Country Girl]

Hi CarryingLife.  I think that "family is family" is a great lesson to teach our children.  Our extended family (both biological and by marriage and adoption) is wildly diverse.  My daughter has cousins who are Japanese, African American, and German, cousins who are Caribbean, African American, and Vietnamese, aunts and uncles from Central America and Taiwan (and gay uncles too), and this is just the beginning.  I am so glad she is growing up knowing that family is so much more than people who look like her.  In some ways, though, it has made her even less prepared for the reality that there are people who do judge and separate people based on color and other facets of identity.  It is such a foreign idea to her.  I think you are right that you very well may face weird comments and public judgement.  Families we know who have one child who looks considerably "less white" than another often have kids who have very different experiences with public life.  And my husband's very pale Jewish father always got weird looks when we was alone with his "black" sons.  I think we just do the best we can day by day to support our kids through any struggle they face with the outside world and make sure they know that we love them more than anything in the world for exactly who they are.  

[ilovejeff]

DH's ancestry is Chinese and I am English/German/??? DD looked just like DH when she was born, especially her eyes and nose, but I see more of myself in her all the time as she gets older. Her hair is dark brown from far away, but if you look closely, she has a little of everything in there...black (daddy), blonde (me), red (my mom), and brown (my sister). We are excited to see what her little brother looks like! DH keeps telling me that he hopes DS gets my green eyes, but we hoped that for DD too, and she got brown eyes, which is far more dominant.

We met, married, and had DD in Seattle, where there are lots of interracial couples (DH used to joke that it was trendy for white girls to date Asain guys, because we'd see couples like us all the time)' but we are now living in the Eastern half of Washington State, which is much whiter/Hispanic. Now people ask me all the time what DD is mixed with, but not in a bad way...she's just unique here because there are to many Asians here at all. And they always comment how beautiful she is...which is true, of course. . I hear "mixed babies are the cutest" a lot.

[joyfulmomof2]

Originally Posted by CA Country Girl 

Nice to meet you Joyful.

People say our daughter looks "exactly" like both of us, depends on who she is with.   We get the comments about beautiful curls too, although no one has yet asked me if they were natural (that's pretty funny).  My husband and I both are used to kind of obnoxious questions like "what are you?" so we have given her some responses.  My DD keeps asking if the baby will look like she did when she was a baby.  I guess she is as curious as we are.  When are you due?  We are 6/26.

We're due June 12th. Though, with this being #3 and all the contractions I've been having lately, I'm wondering if baby will be born much sooner. I hope we at least make it to June! DS's birthday is mid-May, so hopefully they won't be too close together.

[MeAndVee]

I'm mostly English/Scottish and DH is from India {Tamil Nadu}.  We are expecting #2 Oct 4.  When DS was a newborn and DH was walking with him around the neighborhood a kid asked him who's baby is that.  Yeah, like he stole him and is now nonchalantly walking around the block with a wailing infant!  Now DS looks like a paler version of DH so there is no mistaking it that they are family.  We live in NC and never had an issue with it, though I will admit I had some reservation before we moved here.  Bit worried though when he starts school if his name will give him trouble.  We picked a name that is pretty easy to say so hopefully not!

[CA Country Girl]

So glad this thread picked up some other Mamas!  It's nice to find you all.  

Joyful- hope you get a few more weeks!  I feel the time creeping up too.

ilovejeff- When is your new LO due?  I am not a geneticist, but I think your DH needs green eyes somewhere on his side too for your kids to get them (but he could have some even if he is unaware of it- we are all mixed more than we know).  My husband and I both have brown eyes, but his Dad and one of my Grandma's have lighter eyes, so it is a possibility (and one of his brothers has hazel eyes), though our DD's are brown like both of ours.  The "mixed kids are cuter" comment kind of gives me the creeps; it has a different sort of racial edge to it, emphasizing people's curiosity and fascination with something they see as "different", but definitely nicer than getting negative comments.

MeandVee- cute picture of your DS!  I like his name too;  I am sure they will figure it out at school.

[stegenrae]

Hey there. I have two sons (ages 7 and 4) who are biracial--dh is Af-Am and I am a western European mutt. DH's mom's side is fairly dark and looks north African, but his dad's side is much more mixed. Our sons are both pretty light. The older looks more biracial, though, while the younger one looks "white" to other white people without any experience with children of mixed ancestry. My older son has looong hair, very curly, which he wears in braids or down in curls (it has also been shaved and dreaded in his 7 years), and people would repeatedly ask me if it was permed, even when he was a baby. (people be crazy, yo!) My younger son has loose curls in his light brown (very caucasian) hair and is now disappointed that his isn't in braids--though he wouldn't sit still long enough for it, anyway. We get asked all.the.time "Where did they get those curls?!" Um, my husband is black. (even that doesn't quite explain it to some really obtuse people, it seems.) We've recently started discussing more frankly and in more detail about skin color and especially our country's history of race discrimination. My 7yo is somewhat struggling to figure out where he fits, though our groups of friends--homeschool, church, neighborhood, sports teams--is about as "rainbow coalition" as you can get in a southern/midwestern state. We had a conversation about it in February and I blogged about the most intense conversation we've had to date. He does seem more comfortable lately, though the genetics escapes him, judging from his conclusion that Jackie Chan must really have been Jaden Smith's real-life father off-screen of "The Karate Kid." LOL

I was surprised at how completely different my kids were when they were born and little--my older had HAIR from birth; my younger was virtually bald for a year like I had been (though mine lasted much longer, as my hair stayed white-blond for years, and his started to darken after about a year). I'm fascinated to learn what my next child will look like--genetics is fascinating. My mother has bright green eyes, and my dh's grandmother has green eyes...we're still hoping for at least one kid with light eyes. ;) I'm due mid-December, but that's a loooong way away.

[dakipode]

CA Country Girl, I would like to chime in on this thread though I'm not pregnant and not yet a mommy (hope to be one soon...).

So I don't have any multicultural kid(s) yet but I'm Korean, adopted as a baby into a Caucasian family. I'm now married to a white guy with roots in the South and very curious about what my biological kid(s) will look like.

Growing up I was unaware of any negativity towards being a multicultural family, though I experienced some racism at school. I felt like that was because I was a different color than the other kids and not that I was being teased because my parents were a different color than I was. My mother kept her maiden name and I have my father's last name and apparently when I was 8 or so and we were traveling I was questioned by the border patrol about whether I was being abducted... For the most part it never seemed an issue and given my own positive experience I'm not sure how I would deal with any negative comments. My mother raised me to not see it as any different, that whole "family is family" bit that a previous poster mentioned.

I also believe that this issue will probably apply more to DH than to me. I tend to believe that my features will come through and my kids will look somewhat Asian but in order to look "white" you kinda need two white people, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'd love to be part of this conversation with you and I hope to join you soon in motherhood!

[elleemme]

Hi ladies! My husband is Korean and Italian, I'm white western European mutt. Our 2 year old son looks like a white version of his dad- less almond shaped eyes, but has all his other features outside of dark blonde hair and (so far) hazel eyes. I am thinking his eyes will go brown eventually, though we don't know all of dh's dad's family, so it's possible there is lighter eye color in there somewhere. Dh really hopes they stay light, so we will see!
I'm due with our second little guy at the end of August, I am very interested to see what he will look like.
So far our biggest challenge related to ethnicity is that dh thinks most of the names I like are "too anglo". At the rate we are going, this babe will never have a name!

[MeAndVee]

dakipode I have a friend from work that was adopted as a baby from Korea and her husband is white American.  Her daughter looks more asian than white, but my mom worked for a family as a nanny many MANY years ago who were a Korean and white American couple and their daughter looked more Korean and their son looked more white.  So who knows.

[CA Country Girl]

Hello ladies

Welcome Stegenrae, dakipode, and ellemme. 

Stegenrae- my six year old and your seven year old may be going through some of the same thing- processing what race and ethnicity means in their lives and as I said in a previous post- somehow I think the lack of connecting race or appearance to concept of family (ie Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith) is a pretty cool demonstration of open minds.  Congratulations on number 3.  

dakipode- I hope you get to join us in motherhood soon!  And agree with MeandVee- you never really know what the kids will look like, though from my experience with mixed race kids with some East Asian ancestry I would say that lovely almond eyes do tend to come through.

ellemme-DH and I also are having trouble coming up with names we both like, but our struggle is not really ethnicity related- I like more unusual names and he has trouble connecting with girls' names in general.  We can both think of many boys names we agree on, but go figure- we are about to have our second girl.  You're due in August; are you somewhere where it is going to get really hot?  It is already getting hot here, and I am due at the end of June.

Joyful- glad to hear in the June DDC that all is going well!
Everyone- I hope we can keep this conversation going!  I don't really post many pictures of my DD online, but maybe I will PM some photos sometime if people would want to.

[MeAndVee]

Names are tough around here too.  Double the names to choose from!  We think we are set for names, for now atleast.  We have our ultrasound in an hour so maybe we'll find out gender to help narrow things down.  DS was a surprise and I do like surprises.  We'll see, maybe baby won't want to reveal it!

[katt]

I want to join in too...

I'm white (mostly Scandinavian/northern European)  DH is Filipino/Native American/Chinese (predominately Filipino)

My family is very much a rainbow i suppose, i have siblings who were adopted from China, a SIL who's Japanese, Cousin-in-Law from Mexico, etc...  

DH's family, otoh, is pretty Filipino and I stick out like a sore thumb.  lol

We have 1 DS, 5, and another baby due in Sept.  DS looks like both of us, I think, a lite version of DH.  His features sometimes look kinda like mine and sometimes like DH.  Which is fine with me, i've always wanted kids with beautiful dark hair.  :)

We've kinda touched on the fact that people have different color skin and such.  Mostly around Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day.  DH mentioned that if MLK hadn't started what he did Mommy and Daddy probably wouldn't be married.  Honestly, not something I had thought about it.  The difference between DH and I is not something i notice very often, hardly at all.

So far we haven't really encountered anything negative.  We'll just keep on keepin' on and hopefully give our kids tools to empower themselves if they ever do encounter racisim, in any form.

Names:  (i love names) usually not too difficult for us, We both like unusual names.  That helps.  We are both having a difficult time coming up with girl names we both like.  We have a few more months to do.

[ilovejeff]

Names we are thinking of naming our new baby boy Kameron, which would be an Americanized version of FIL's Chinese name, Kam Something (he goes by his English name that he chose when he immigrated to the US). Baby will also get a Chinese name, chosen by FIL and DH's grandmother. The Chinese name is for family only, not on the birth certificate or anything. They chose a name for DD that sounded somewhat similar to her real name and means Happy Family (she was the first grandchild for FIL and first great-granddaughter for GMIL.)

FWIW, DH's dad's family is not super traditional...though DH's generation is the first to be born in the US, the older generations have adopted quite a few American traditions, while still honoring parts of their heritage. His mother, on the other hand, was quite the Tiger Mother...and mentally unstable. She is no longer a part of our lives.

[ejuliot]

I love this topic! My mom is African American, Irish, and Blackfoot. My father is very Swedish and French Canadian. They had five children and we are all very different looking. I am mistaken for being Puerto Rican while my older and younger sister look Egyptian/Latina. My 2nd oldest sister is as white as a Lilly and my brother is white with African American features. Probably the most frustrating but also kind of fun thing was trying to convince people that we were all related and had the same parents.
We married pretty diversely as well. My bils are Kenyan and middle eastern, my sil caucasian, and my husband is German. my boys look white but they tan really well in the summer so they look mixed. Their hair is fairly light and their eyes are brown. As for racism, we ran into it a lot as kids, even from our extended family. Most of it was unintentional though. Right now, I live in a very LDS area and I think some of the older LDS folk are not okay with interracial marriage as it was punishable in the early days of their religion. It seems that the younger generation of LDS couples are okay with interracial marriage as I have seen many mixed families. I haven't experienced any outright racism but my husband hears a lot of racist remarks at work even though everyone knows his wife is black. He always sets people straight though. He is pretty amazing!

[CA Country Girl]

Hi Katt and ejuliot- sounds like you both have real diverse extended families like us.  I think it will be a great way for our kids to grown up- with all kinds of different  cousins (and aunts and uncles).  ejuliot- it's great that your husband doesn't let any racism fly.  I think standing up to the BS is a great way to be positive examples to our kids.  You all sound like you have great families and good marriages.  It will be exciting to welcome new babies.  I think Joyful may be first?

Again- so fun that this thread has taken off.  Let's try to keep it going.  

[katt]

If anyone has some GREAT girl names, especially from other cultures, could be places etc... I'd LOVE to hear them.

For example: (dh has nixed these): Siobhan, Kjeriste, and Skja (i think on the last one)

Ones he hasn't nixed: Aviendah  

We both like it, but it isn't like the heaves opened up and the choir sang telling us that is the front runner, you know?

I like longer names with good nick name potential.

Okay, gotta go snuggle the boy