Would it be wrong of me to force dd (7) to cut her hair? - Page 2

[CrazyCatLady]

I would love to bribe or reward her for doing this (I would give her just about anything at this point to cut the darn hair off).  The problem is that there is nothing that she wants more than to keep her hair.  So there is really nothing that I can bribe her with.  I think I am doomed to have her resent me over this for a long time.  Heavy sigh.

Edited by CrazyCatLady - 5/7/12 at 10:44am

[LynnS6]

I resorted to threatening dd -- either you brush your hair daily and keep it so that looks OK, or I will cut it. I only had to chase her through the house with the scissors in one hand and a hair brush in the other once!

Dd is 7, and it wasn't really until then that she could start to take care of it herself. She learned to braid about 6 months ago and that made a huge difference. She was then motivated to get the tangles out because she wanted to braid her hair. She can only do pig tails, but she will let me do a single braid down the back sometimes. But I'll admit that it looks unkempt a lot, even if she brushes it daily and wears a braid to bed. (The braid to bed helps a ton and her hair is much worse if she doesn't do that.) I'd rather have her wear it pulled back, but she doesn't like it. For grand days and state occasions I do ask that she pull it away from her face.

I know you'd like to give your daughter more autonomy, but right now it sounds like she's just not developmentally ready for it and with CPS looking over your shoulder, I think you need to make sure that 'basically neat' can describe your daughter.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady 
.  I think I am doomed to have her resent me over this for a long time.  Heavy sigh.

It is possible she might understand (not today) that you judged the risks of hair-keeping (daily arguments and CPS) to be more significant than cutting her hair.

I did say earlier in the thread that I resented my mom for pressuring me into cutting my hair, but the circumstances were quite different.

1.  To the best of my knowledge I did not give my mother a hard time about brushing or washing - she just did not like the fact I chewed my hair and my hair was starting to look uneven.

2.  CPS was not involved in our lives.

I really think I would have understood her worry if CPS was involved.  Your daughter might understand one day. Moreover, I really like and love my mother    .  One hair cutting incident does not a bad relationship make.   I wouldn't make a pattern of going against her wishes on her body, but given your struggle on this issue I cannot see you doing that. 

[Valid28]

Would it work for you to offer for her to get her hair done at a salon?  Maybe she would enjoy having it washed, brushed, and styled at the beauty parlor.  They are usually pretty gentle and maybe she would like having her hair washed while sitting back in that special chair that they use.

[Taximom5]

You may have already cut it, but if you haven't yet, I wanted to make a couple of suggestions.

1) comb it in the bath/shower WHILE THE CONDITIONER IS IN IT, starting with the ends and gradually moving up. That makes a HUGE difference, both in how easy it is to comb out the tangles, and also how long it stays untangled.

2) if she doesn't like getting it washed, have you tried bathing/showering with her, and having her wash your hair for you?

As for cutting it, if she has expressed so clearly that she does not want it cut, I think forcing her to cut it may result in some major trust issues.

[Treasuremapper]

My fear of CPS is the only thing that motivates me to brush and groom my daughter's hair.  She hates it so much, and screams and sobs. My husband will not even try it.  We worked with her OT on this for a few months. 

However, I have found some things that really help --

having her chew gum and watch TV during hair brushing, start at the bottom and work up in tiny sections 

Globbing on TONS of conditioner during hair washing, combing it through and then rinsing.

Braiding hair at night if she will allow it

Just cutting out big tangles instead of combing through them, works well for tangles on the back where she can't see

[Treasuremapper]

. 

One last thought -- once all the tangles are out, using my globs of conditioner along with chewing gum and TV technique, see if she will agree to one long feminine braid at night, and to keep it braided as much as possible.  She might agree to that, and at least you could avoid being cited for child neglect. 

[Taximom5]

Does she like to brush/comb your hair?  Maybe that might help her view it as something other than torture?