What is Wrong with me (MIL issue)

[LLQ1011]

Ok this is going to be long.

We had our son 5 months ago. I was on bed rest for 7 months and 4 of them were in the hospital. I had constant preterm labor as wells as blood issues. Prior to this baby I have lost two babies at around 18 weeks. Both were born naturally in the hospital and cremated. My issue is not with my son or my previous losses its with my mother in law ( we aren't married but you get the idea.)

When I had my son I made a rule that no one was allowed in the room. Having delivered two not alive babies prior has made labor and birth a scary, complicated, intense time for me and I decided it would be best if no one was in the room. My sister was there for my previous losses and I thought about having her there too but changed my mind I also wanted time with my boyfriend to spend alone with the new baby because of what we had been through previously.

Well While I was in labor I guess his mother was hanging outside the door sound recording it on her phone. As soon as she heard the baby cry she walked in. All the nurses and two doctors were in my room from concerns about his amniotic fluid and no one was out there to tell her she cant be out there. When my boyfriend told her to go tell everyone and tell them they can come in soon she refused. When the nurses told her she refused to leave and began obsessively taking photos of the babies belly. After she was showing everyone her sound rec cording which not only super upsets me because i didn't know she was out there and its such an invasion but it also hurt my families feelings because they couldn't be there. Especially my sister and my mom.

I feel like I missed out on alone time with my baby, She was all over me trying to nurse him and ignored all of my protests that i didn't want her help and acted like i wasn't saying words when i would try to tell her i wanted to be alone or for stitching and all of that. Well 5 months later and everyone wants to know about his birth. MY pregnancy was such an ordeal that everyone wants to know about it and I feel like its constantly bringing up how depressed I am about how weird she was and how she pretty much ruined it. This is the only baby I will have due to health issues and I am just so sad about how it went. Not to mention things that have happened after she constantly undermines me. When we tried to talk to her about her behavior she dropped to the floor and cried about how my mom was annoying her so she had to go out there.

Well now my mother is never allowed over if his parents are over because he doesn't want to upset his mom. I can't get over it. I cry still about how it went. I don't know what to do. I spent so much time imagining how it would go and its so sad to me now. Not to mention her husband took videos of me in labor without my consent and sent it to their whole family. Plus she has entirely inappropriate photos of me after in her house and she shows people. not to mention her sound recording. How do I deal with this. How do I have a birthday for my son in 6 months if my mom cant be around his mom? How do I get over it??

[jmarroq]

What did your mom say when his mom said that it was basically your mom who made her go to the hospital and record, etc. Is it true? If so, your mom shouldn't feel left out...she knew what was going on. Talk to your mom about it, and hopefully, for the sake of the baby, they will all be able to be in the same room again soon. 

Where does everyone live? If this is a holidays and birthdays only type of deal, then that makes it easier, since you only have to deal with her a few times a year. 

I am wondering if your boyfriend couldn't have been more supportive of your wants. He needs to stand up to her.

I would ask her nicely to please not show any of the inappropriate pictures to anyone. I would also explain that the birth recording and some of the pictures and videos were made when you were unaware and you don't want them shown or played for anyone either. I would even tell her to delete anything that you don't want out there. If you're uncomfortable asking, have your husband do it. 

If you tell her flat out to stop and she still does it, then you need to cut her off from seeing the child. Who knows what she is capable of if she can't even respect your wishes and invades your privacy. Something's not right.

Trust me, my birthing experiences were no walk in the park either with one miscarriage and one premature child due to an abruption. I have lots of things I would do differently and I am sad I never got to deliver vaginally...but I just keep telling myself to be grateful my kids are healthy now. I know your situation is quite different, but you have to try to focus on the here and now.

I know it's hard if you have PPD too, so just hang in there and try to get some support from your boyfriend and talk to a mental health professional.

[Alphaghetti]

Wow. I would be gutted, PPD or not...I hope you're not thinking that you're overreacting or anything, because what she's done is completely out of line and disrespectful to your entire family. Nothing is wrong with YOU, but lots is wrong with her behaviour. She will forever be at the forefront of your memory when you think about the birth of your son. That's awful, and very unfortunate, but there's nothing you can do about it now. You deserve to feel your feelings about it though.

I would be absolutely hurt, livid, mortified etc if I knew that someone was recording me without my knowledge in one of the most private moments of my life. How dare she, and how dare she show/let anyone listen. These are not hers to have.

Your partner needs to demand these recordings and photos be given to you. This is your partner's mother, and it is up to him to deal with this.

I am not sure what it has to do with your mother? I am confused by that bit.

[LLQ1011]

When I approached her about her behavior and she colapsed crying she said the reason she was out there was because of my mother because she was annoying her by talking about her job.

My son is not alowed alone with her due to a  different weird incident at her house. She doesn't hear me or understand me. My BFs aunt told me also that I shouldnt leave him alone with her ever,

[philomom]

She needs to delete the inappropriate recordings and photos. If she does not agree it might be time for her phone to have an untimely accident. That can be arranged quite nicely if you are living with her.

If your mom can't visit mil's home, then you need to go to your mom for visits.

Hope everything works out.

[LLQ1011]

We live in our house. My mom is not allowed to come around if his parents are over. Every one lives lees than 2 hours away. My mom works by us so she stops by to see baby and helps me a lot. My mom doesn't think she was talking a lot. Everyone was talking while waiting.

[sewingmommy]

To me it sounds like she is using your mom "talking" as an excuse and someone to blame ....I agree with the above posters your MIL needs to delete all inappropriate videos and pictures and if you BF isn't willing to stand up to her you are going to have to 

[MissLotus]

Who exactly is saying that your mother is not allowed over if his parents are over?  You are not a child.  No one can decide for you when you mother is/isn't allowed in your own home!  If your boyfriend is saying that - or whoever is saying that - don't be afraid to be the adult that you are and say, "Actually, my mother is welcome in my home any time I decide it's right."  It's your mother in law that's the real nut, and clearly crosses the line way into inappropriate.  The real problem here, I'm afraid, is your boyfriend.  His mother would not have the access to behave this way around you if he set boundaries with her.  But it's up to you to decide how much you're willing to put up with.  What's happened is hurtful and disappointing - especially given your previous losses which I'm sorry to read about.  But the good news is that you really do have control over the way things happen in the future.  If you use it.

[MichelleZB]

It doesn't matter if your mom was being annoying! She could have been the most annoying person in the whole world... that doesn't give your MIL an excuse to go bug a new mom minutes after giving birth. If she was being attacked by killer bees in the hallway, she still could have run into the bathroom instead of into your delivery room. Period.

Get your boyfriend to tell her to delete those irksome photos and the recording. I didn't want photos or a recording of my labour either, and would have been extremely upset to find out someone had recorded it without my knowledge. If he won't make his mother delete them, then you have a problem with your boyfriend.

[RStelle]

Wow, that is horrible! I would be so angry! I agree with other posters, your BF really needs to stand up to his mom, she needs to delete all that stuff ASAP! I almost think what she did was illegal, recording you and taking pictures when you didn't want her to, then showing them to people, so messed up! What was the thing that made it so you don't leave your baby alone w/ her? To me it sounds like in general she is someone it would be good to limit contact with, and again, BF needs to really step it up and be on your side.  As far as having her over when your mom is over, if she can't handle it then have your mom over more, maybe that will keep her away!

As far as getting over the trauma from the birth, all I can say is that you will probably always be angry/sad about it, but in time you will come to focus more on all the wonderful things about having a child, and the actual birth experience will seem less important. Many people have horrible birth experience and are able to move on from them. Maybe some counseling, or just talking or writing about it more could help.

Let us know how things go, I hope you can get things worked out.
 

[LLQ1011]

I talked to BF and he said he told her to delete all of those things and she said she did. I doubt she really did but theres not much I can do about it now. He also was upset about how she acted but he has been trained to avoid upsetting her at all costs by his dad. I think her meltdowns are really embarassing for the two of them so they try avoid them at all costs. He has seriously toned down the contact we have with them these past few months. I really appreciate it too. He's trying to accomodate me.

The reason she is not allowed to be alone with my son is that one weekend we went to visit them. I got super sick so I went to take a nap and I left my 2 month old with his father and his parents. Well the baby was cluster feeding that weekend and ate every hour and went through as many diapers. He also has a pretty big sensativity to fragrance so when ever we go anywhere I bring his special lotion, towells, blankets, clothes, soap, sheets and so on. I tell my bf to get me in an hour whent he baby is hungry. I tell him in front of his parents. Well I wake up three hours later and panic. My bf is taking a nap next to me. So i get up and I can hear crying but its super quiet. So I go through the house and find my baby and her in her bedroom behind a shut door and he is screaming his head off and naked from the waste down. I should tell you now we do not cry it out. I grab him and ask her what the hell happened. She said he pooped two hours ago so she had been wrapping him in her towells for two hours and that she doesn;t know why he has been crying for 40 minutes because the first time he cried for me he fell alseep after 30 minutes.  The poor baby should have eaten twice and had just as many diapers not to mention he towells are washed in her scented laundry detergent, scented fabric softener, and scented bounce sheet. The poor baby nursed for ever and threw up he was so distraught. I asked her what the heck was she thinking and she said she wanted to let me sleep. Which I kinda of understand if people in their family had not pulled me aside and told me that she was crazy and controlling and will do weird things the assert herself as so. We left after that and I refuse to do overnights there anymore and they are not allowed alone with him ever again. The rash he had on his lower body lingered for weeks and the whole night I could not put him down or he would freak the ef out. 

I don't know why she was like that. She barely wants to hold him because she likes to tell people I don't let her hold him. I don't offer because when he was 3 days old she propped him on the couch and left him there. Shes too hyper. Shes on the floor stretching, then shes walking on her knees, then shes cooking, then dishes, then tv in the living room, then the tv in the bedroom, then every chair available, then up the stairs, down the stairs, she cant just sit and hold him. When she holds him its up down up down. She sets him anywhere she can. Its just too weird for me and him, plus I hate following her around trying to protect my son. So i don't offer and she doesn't ask.My bf's dad loves holding the baby... so much that he will kick the bouncer my son takes naps in to get him awake. Its weird but funny. A freight train cannot wake him up if hes asleep. (Believe me we live by one)

Edited by LLQ1011 - 5/16/12 at 1:10pm

[pammysue]

It sounds to me like it is time to severly limit your and your son's time with her.