Quick opinion, please, on Mother's Day gift for DH's ex?

[VocalMinority]

I have let time slip away from me.  It's too late to send something to DSS's mom before Mothers' Day, at least by regular mail.  (DSS lives with us, Mom lives far away.)  He's almost 13, has lived with us since he was 8 and this is the first year I've failed to facilitate a gift.  I usually help him make something for her, or design something personalized online, order it, wrap it when it gets here and send it to her.  

Admittedly, I'm probably indulging in some passive-aggression.  It's not conscious.  I even picked out a few things on Etsy I thought DSS might like to give her, but never remembered to show them to him and ask what he wanted to order.  Part of that is we've genuinely been super-busy.  I have a little time for Etsy while DSS's at school, but it rarely crosses my mind again until he's in bed.  However, Mom has also been especially difficult the last many months; we're going back to court with her this summer; and I'm in the middle of reviewing old email conversations and phone records, to prepare for court...so irritation with her is heavily outweighing compassion.

Part of me thinks:

* DSS is plenty old enough to have thought of this himself and done something about it.  So, if he hasn't, maybe it's enough that DH and I make sure he calls Mom on Mothers' Day.  

* He still has time to send her an animated e-card, like he does for me on my birthday.

* At least one year, Mom made DSS feel terrible, telling him she didn't receive his gift on time, even when though the tracking info. said she did.  So why would I bother paying for expedited delivery, to send her something at this point?

The other part of me thinks:

* He's a kid.  He doesn't think ahead.  I know his Mom will make him feel like crap if he doesn't send her anything.  

* Although our return to court makes me feel cool about Mom, it's likely to make DSS feel extra-guilty toward her.  So will the annual Saturday-night outing with DH, to buy Mothers' Day treats for me, knowing he didn't do anything for his Mom.

* So maybe I should pick up something this evening and 2-day mail it to her, tomorrow.

Opinions, please?

[mamapigeon]

I think you should send something quickly if you think your DSS will feel guilty if she doesn't get a gift.

[Mummoth]

I'd probably talk to DSS "Look, I dropped the ball on helping you pick out a gift for your mom... would you rather just send her an e-card and call her or pick out some flowers to have delivered to her. We could still quick-mail her a gift but it might not get to her on time. I can help you with any of this, I was just wondering if you had a preference." That gives him a head-up that a guilt trip might be coming and the power to decide how to handle it.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Oooh depending on the budget, I LOVE the flowers idea! Everyone likes receiving flowers sometimes (and, there was a living social deal for pro-flowers, don't know if its still up). Let him pick out the bouquet (within your chosen budget), and have him call her.

[mtiger]

My initial thought was that, at 13, he is more than old enough to remember this sort of thing himself. BUT... if the norm has been that you set it up for him, it's reasonable for him to not think of it.

Since Mom will likely give him a hard time for doing nothing, I hope you helped him out again, despite your current (and understandable) feelings. And start weaning him from your doing all of his legwork. He will likely still need help - with ideas, with the logistics, etc. - but it's time for him to start thinking about special days for his special people on his own.

And a very Happy Mother's Day to you.

[incorrigible]

I think Mummoth is spot on. Groupon is offering $40 worth of product from FTD for $20 still, too. http://www.groupon.com/deals/ftd-portland?c=all&p=12 You can buy things for multiple people, or just give him more freedom to pick what he wants for cheaper that way. 

PS - if you're not a groupon member, do me a favor and pm me your email address so I can invite you and get $10 credit if you end up buying anything from them. We are big fans of groupon in this house! =D

[VocalMinority]

Thanks, ladies!  I'm ordering flowers right now.  DSS told me what to put on the card, but doesn't really care which bouquet I pick.  Excellent last-minute idea.  I've never before felt snarky about ordering flowers for someone, but it is the right thing to do.  There's more than enough other crap for DSS to feel "in the middle" of, as it is.

[Super~Single~Mama]

You know what Jeannine, I think your ds knows exactly what is going on. He's got this whole thing figured out - and might have let the gift slide on purpose (remember spring break? He wasn't devastated and there was probably a reason). I feel badly for him, but as I've been told before you can't protect children from their parents - they need to know who their parents really are so that they don't grow up idealizing them.

[Mummoth]

If only they made bouquets with skunk cabbage in them... *sigh*

Jeannine, it's lonely on the high road but it pays off in the long run, even if all that means is knowing that you did your best. DSS can see you making the effort to keep things civil and he knows that you're doing it for him. You mentioned that your husband takes the kids out on Saturday night and they pick out a gifts? It sounds like he does care what he gets for you... that tells you something, right there. Ugh... that makes it sound like a contest, and that's not what I mean... just that it seems like you're both already starting to reap what you've sown. 

[VocalMinority]

*Sigh*  I guess Mothers' Day isn't quite over yet - nor have I actually checked any phone records to be sure... but DSS texted and I know he called his Mom this morning, left a sweet message...and he says she hasn't called him back, all day.  

Well, her loss.  We've all had a great day, here.  Hope all the rest of you have, too!

[hillymum]

That woman doesn't know how lucky she is! You buy her a mothers day gift and worry about her feelings (ok, I know it's to protect your ss, but it's still a worry on your mind) and she can't be bothered to call her son??? She doesn't deserve her son or you!

[VocalMinority]

To be fair, I should update that DSS said he and his Mom did talk, before he went to bed on Mothers' Day.  I don't know who called who.