My 3 year old has never stopped whining or crying since he was born!

[melly2022]

I have a 3 year old who whines and cries over everything, if we say no he will cry and whine and continually ask for the same thing over and over  until we have no choice but to remove him from the room and put him somewhere else until he is ready to behave.

I have NEVER been a mom to give in upon “demand” I always enforce manners and never give in to the foolish fits. I try speaking with him. I tell him I will wait until he is done crying and ready to speak to me in a big boy voice before I will speak to him, he will continue to cry over my words.

We have done timeouts (which just ends up in everyone going crazy as he cries LOUDLY and for long periods of time) in a fairly small house this even drives my 6-year-old nuts!  

I have to continually remind him of behaviors that are not acceptable (hurting the animals for example) not in a mean way more smothering them with love, and I don’t mean days or weeks, it’s now been months with no signs of improvement on any of the habits he has!  I am very consistent in my reward and discipline. No is no and that does not change the moment I see good behaviour I am quick to praise and let him know that I am happy that he is "speaking to me in a big boy voice" or "thank you for asking so nicely".

He won’t eat what we give him but is constantly asking for food (CONTSTANTLY since he was born). I do not cook to order; we eat what is made and that is all and I make child friendly food! If he doesn’t eat then he waits till the next meal.  Sometimes my fiancé will give in after dinner and make a snack before bed (which I know affects the effectiveness of my consistency, but I have addressed it and he’s simply just sick of hearing him whining and crying, I would be as well after 3 years of nonstop misery. Side note my 2 current children are not from him though he loves them like his own, we are currently pregnant with our first child, he has been in my children's life since they were 3 and 2months old)

My fiancé works fully time days I work full time 12-9 at home but I am still working. I do what I can to entertain him in between housework and necessary house hold chores.

We are slowly loosing options, I have tried almost everything I can read online and I am wondering at this point if he’s just a melancholy child.  It’s nearly impossible to get him to play on his own if there are no other children to play with. He does play relatively nicely with other children except his sister… but he would rather just sit with us or watch t.v which I also try to limit to certain times. 

We would just love to have one dinner or one day where we are not dealing with his constant whines and cries… And I mean since he was born it's affecting the overall atmosphere of the house, and the ability to do anything in public places simply because no one wants to deal with his fits when we do go out. 

Any Advice that is not condescending is greatly appreciated!!!

[Bokonon]

Have you talked to his doctor about this?  Have you considered doing a food elimination diet to see if food allergies or sensitivities might be causing this?

Another thought, as I've been going through this process with my 7 year old - have you considered Sensory Processing Disorder?  

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

[melly2022]

I actually set up an apt with the dr in 2 weeks to see if it's an allergy he's randomly saying my tummy hurts with no Obvious pain but we had known pooping issues now that that's under control I'm thinking it's something else maybe dairy? God I hope not gluten :| he's difficult enough I can only imagine having diet issues like gluten...

I read the markers for the sensory condition he doesn't fall under that.. Other then his misery he's amazing in sports speech expressing himself with words large vocabulary french and English... Hmmm

[needvacation]

Aside from the food issues this sounds a lot like my three year old son.  He fusses and cries over everything.  He won't play by himself and is never just at peace.  We don't give him his way just because he cries and I feel like I spend the majority of our day putting him in time out, and trying to explain that he needs to be sweet and stop fussing.  He just has a hateful attitude most of the time.  I started noticing his bad attitude when he was about six months old.  He has a stable and happy home with my husband (his dad) and I.  He should be happy but for some reason he chooses to be miserable and to make the rest of us miserable.  By the end of the day I am so stressed!!!!!  Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with him.

I don't have any advice to give but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[bakpak]

Hi there,

I don't have any answers, but it sounds like a food/allergy issue to me.  I would guess dairy (cow's milk is the worst) or gluten.  My daughter had the dairy allergy as an infant and it went away around 12 months, but her attitude was night and day after I removed dairy from my diet (she was nursing).  Does your son ever specifically ask not to drink milk or eat cheese?

A friend of mine cut gluten out of her diet when she was around 34 yr-old and her life has seriously undergone a MAJOR change.  Quite frankly she's not the same person I knew before.  She's not pessimistic, depressed, negative, martyr-complex like she was before.  (I still liked her, but could only take her in small doses!).  She didn't have any specific problems like her stomach hurting all the time, but it definitely affected her attitude towards life, and she doesn't get migraines anymore.  She's full of smiles and inner peace these days and says she can't imagine why anyone was ever her friend all those years!  Gluten allergies are a pain to work around, but I can tell you it's worth accommodating if that's the issue.

Good luck figuring it out.  And if your doctor doesn't help, go to another one until someone does help.  It really sounds like your child is miserable, and that affects not only him but the whole family.

B
 

P.S. Regarding discipline, my daughter is a sensitive soul and yelling at her or time-outs just don't work well at all.  A little time to herself is good (for me too!), but she doesn't ever stop crying during those times, it just escalates and usually makes matters much much worse.  What works better is after a very short time-out, I just go and hold her until she calms down and then we discuss the issue calmly.  Putting on music she likes really helps distract her and calm her down too. Sensitive kids really respond differently to discipline, and it sounds like your child may be somewhat similar.  Also, he's 3 :)  He could get through some of this soon.  I'm sure you give him options, but involve him more in deciding what to cook for dinner for instance.  Maybe if it's his choice or he gets to help stir/make it, he will be into eating regular food more.   GOOD LUCK!

[melly2022]

I just thought I would update those were kind to reply!

Since my list I have removed milk from his diet not fully just milk and ice cream. And it's amazing!!!! I wish I had known this was the issue back when he was a baby!! After 3 years of misery and crying and depressed little boy my son now enjoys his life he plays and plays alot!! Sports he can't get enough of it! He's happy he smiles more then he cries and he overall is a brand new kid!!

I have been hearing this so often that I wonder why dr's don't suggest it more often.! I live in Quebec and I have a not so great dr. As soon as I suggested that he had a dairy issue she wanted to send him for gluten testing and all this crazy blood work.... All I wanted was to find out if he had an intolerance or not.. My son has not been successfully I.V'd or had blood taken ever and he's been in the hospital a few times for bronchitis as an infant and I refuse to have him meaninglessly poked and prodded for nothing...

Thnk you all so much for your input it only affirms I made the right choice!!

[Weevil]

Melly, that is fantastic!! 

I am curious, how long did it take to notice an improvement after removing dairy?  We are already dairy free but dealing with a similar issue (actually I think the crankiness, etc are related to not sleeping but *that* may be due to an intolerance?) and I was considering trying gluten free but I am not sure how long to stick with it as our diet is already rather restricted and GF is very challenging.

[melly2022]

It took about a week and in situations where family gave milk by mistake it was almost immediate to a day for you to notice he had something he shouldn't.. Funny enough almonds and almond milk and soy milk have the same affect on him! We waited a few weeks to try the other kinds of milk and noticed that it was the same problem as cows milk. I have not tried rice milk as I'm afraid to go back to cranky land ! Hope that helps! Now we just stick to other sources of calcium..

My sons sleep was never affected but I could imagine that it could affect that. I know for me I get super dopey when I drink milk or eat ice cream I can sense a definate change in my mood after dairy products!

[Weevil]

Originally Posted by melly2022 

It took about a week and in situations where family gave milk by mistake it was almost immediate to a day for you to notice he had something he shouldn't.. Funny enough almonds and almond milk and soy milk have the same affect on him! We waited a few weeks to try the other kinds of milk and noticed that it was the same problem as cows milk. I have not tried rice milk as I'm afraid to go back to cranky land ! Hope that helps! Now we just stick to other sources of calcium..
My sons sleep was never affected but I could imagine that it could affect that. I know for me I get super dopey when I drink milk or eat ice cream I can sense a definate change in my mood after dairy products!

Thanks for your response.  So fascinating and strange that the other "milks" would do that as well!

[bakpak]

Yay!!!!  What an easy fix to a MAJOR problem!  I hope it's just milk, although if he's responding negatively to other milk substitutes, that doesn't really add up, as they're all plant based.  Try lactose-free milk and see if that's okay, if it is, then it may just be a lactose issue.  If he responds badly, then he's probably responding to the milk protein specifically.  I'm lactose intolerant, and can drink lactose-free milk just fine, and definitely limit my icecream.  Most nice cheeses are fine, but cheap cheese is a killer, especially what you find on most restaurant pizzas, so watch out for that. 

It could also be something else, like Celiac Disease (I know that sounds scary, but it's mostly food related), where the intestines have gotten damaged from gluten, which then get irritated by other things, like milk proteins, etc. which are very hard to digest.  It means a lot of important nutrients are NOT getting absorbed, which may also explain why he says he's hungry all the time. 

If it were my kid, I'd go ahead and get some tests done.  I think a simple blood test can check for the antibodies related to celiac disease, and that's probably what your doctor was referring to.

Good luck...you're almost there!!

Becky
 

[pek64]

Greens are a great source of calcium. As someone with a dairy allergy, I want to warn you that it can become more severe over time, so he may regress and need more strict avoidance of dairy. Soy is also a common allergen, and I also don't do well with almonds. It sounds like you're making good progress.

[graciegal]

Since the other "milks" also did this, I wonder if it's more so the sugars and not the lactose. The other "milks" dont have lactose, so the only common denominator is either A) the added calcium or B) the sugar. If youre gutsy, you might want to try a week of putting milk back in but limiting other simple carbohydrates (and starch, because we break it down into millions of glucose molecules). I know when I eat a big starchy meal I get depressed and tired and cranky. I am sensitive to the sugar overload, not in the way that it hypes me up but in the way that it drags me down.
 

[pek64]

Lactose intolerance is different than dairy allergy!!!!

Dairy allergy can be caused by allergic reaction to cow's milk protein (casein), OR the cow's milk fat.

Some peole allergic to cow's milk can tolerate goat's milk, while others cannot.

A person with one food allergy frequently has additional food allergies, or sometimes sensitivities.

Again, lactose intolerance receives the most press, but is NOT the same as a dairy allergy. They are two totally different things!!

[graciegal]

Hi pek64, sure that is true, but why does he get the same reaction with non-milk milks... cant be the casein or the lactose. Gotta be something else.

[graciegal]

Oh and Melly, totally respect your parenting style. Love that you are established as the leader of your pack

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by graciegal 

Hi pek64, sure that is true, but why does he get the same reaction with non-milk milks... cant be the casein or the lactose. Gotta be something else.

A huge number of kids who are intolerant of dairy also react to soy...well over half. Also, he could be intolerant or allergic to almonds. My son cannot have dairy milk (intolerant), soy (true allergy), or rice milk (seriously intolerant or allergic to the sunflower oil in it).

Lots of kids who have dairy issues have other food intolerances as well.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by graciegal 

Since the other "milks" also did this, I wonder if it's more so the sugars and not the lactose. The other "milks" dont have lactose, so the only common denominator is either A) the added calcium or B) the sugar. If youre gutsy, you might want to try a week of putting milk back in but limiting other simple carbohydrates (and starch, because we break it down into millions of glucose molecules). I know when I eat a big starchy meal I get depressed and tired and cranky. I am sensitive to the sugar overload, not in the way that it hypes me up but in the way that it drags me down.

 

Oh my gosh no please don't suggest this. It this kiddo is doing well dairy free, there is NO reason to experiment with him. Dairy is an incredibly frequent cause of moody, cranky behavior in kids. I've heard OPs story 100 times, including with my own son who was also the crankiest child on the planet prior to cutting dairy.

[pek64]

As I said, he may have additional allergies. I, for example, am allergic to dairy, soy, corn (conventional), liver, mustard and shellfish.

[gitanamama]

Hi mamas,

I just stumbled upon this thread and the OP's description of her son sounds a lot like my own---I'm wondering if there can be allergies/intolerance without any poop issues (I don't know how to phrase that more pleasantly--sorry!) My son has a lot of the same behaviors the OP mentioned---he spends a lot of the day whining and crying and throwing tantrums. I've always just attributed it to his spirited personality, but now I'm wondering if I'm missing something. His appetite is pretty typical of a two year old, he snacks throughout the day but tends to be pretty picky and doesn't eat much at mealtimes. But he doesn't seem to have any issues with digestion---no diarrhea or pain that I know of (not sure he'd be able to verbalize pain if there was though.) 

I think I'll eliminate dairy for a bit to see if that helps, but I thought I'd see what you ladies know about this and whether dairy allergies always lead to digestive problems. 

[pek64]

It really depends on the severity of the allergy. As a child, I didn't have poop issues, but as it became more severe I had vomiting. As I learned to keep from vomiting, then I had diarrhea. As an adult, both were likely. Now, I can't even smell strong dairy without nearly passing out. For example, being near the food court of our mall on a Friday or Saturday nigh; or the dairy section of my local grocery store after someone has dropped a carton of milk (even after it's been mopped).
So things change. If there is a dairy allergy, or intollerance, there are websites with information on milk alternatives. Also, vegan recipes can give you helpful suggestions for cooking without dairy. Good luck.