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Trying to figure out how to handle a comment my 11 yr old made.

post #1 of 10
5/10/12 at 2:14pm
Thread Starter 

My 11 yr old, 13 yr old, and 8 yr old were sitting around talking, and something came up about when I got married.  I mentioned the fact that I was pregnant with my 13 yr old.  My dh and I have always been very open about that, and addressed it in a positive way.  We loved each other.  We were both ready to be parents.  Everyone in the family was looking forward to having a new baby. etc. 

 

I wouldn't have wanted to hide it in the first place, but even if I had, I was already showing when we got married.  So as we are talking about it, my 11 yr old says, "Yeah, but you didn't want people to know you were pregnant."  I was shocked.  I told him that everyone knew I was pregnant and happy about it, and went through the whole list again.  I asked him why he thought that and he said he was just joking.  He was not joking. 

 

My head is spinning a bit as to where he came up with this or where he heard it.  I'm wondering if he said something to a friend or something and he got a negative reaction.  I'm thinking I should just let it go at this point, but I'm not sure.  He's not a really sharing type kiddo, so he wasn't really interested in discussing it.  I just want to make sure that he knows that's not true.  Any advice on how to handle it from here? 

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post #2 of 10
5/10/12 at 3:21pm

I think you've explained how you felt and viewed the matter so you could leave it be if you think he is done discussing it.

 

Maybe he heard about someone else getting married and not being so open about being pregnant and was wondering about that. You might say that it is true that not everyone goes public about already being pregnant when they marry but that was obviously not the case with you as everyone knew and you were perfectly fine with that. You might emphasize that it is a personal decision that each couple will make on when to share the news of a baby whether they are married or not.

 

I was pregnant with my dd when I married but only a few people close to us knew as we were not ready to share that news with a lot of people yet.

post #3 of 10
5/10/12 at 3:37pm

Sadly, as my children get older, I find that I am too frequently having to "correct" things that they say. What I mean is, I am finding that I have to undo  biases or prejudices that appear so commonplace among their peers that they consider it to be the way things are.  We have encountered this with babies before marriage (I was pregnant with my second at my wedding, and all the kids know this), religion, and a myriad of other things that I think are super important.

 

I think you handled it well, but totally get why it bothers you. I might wait for a neutral moment in the very near future and say something like, "ds, I just wanted to double check with you about how you feel about that...you know that marriage is not necessarily a precursor to children, and that's a completely ok thing as far as we're concerned..." Dunno. Something light hearted with a chuckle at the end with an, "ok just checking" so he doesn't feel interrogated or cornered into a serious convo.

 

Ugh. I hope this is the worst of the badness we will have to undo, but somehow I doubt it, given their ages.

post #4 of 10
5/10/12 at 3:40pm
He probably picked it up out in the world. I think you handled it well. Hugs!
post #5 of 10
5/10/12 at 3:44pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphaghetti View Post

Sadly, as my children get older, I find that I am too frequently having to "correct" things that they say. What I mean is, I am finding that I have to undo  biases or prejudices that appear so commonplace among their peers that they consider it to be the way things are.  We have encountered this with babies before marriage (I was pregnant with my second at my wedding, and all the kids know this), religion, and a myriad of other things that I think are super important.

 

I think you handled it well, but totally get why it bothers you. I might wait for a neutral moment in the very near future and say something like, "ds, I just wanted to double check with you about how you feel about that...you know that marriage is not necessarily a precursor to children, and that's a completely ok thing as far as we're concerned..." Dunno. Something light hearted with a chuckle at the end with an, "ok just checking" so he doesn't feel interrogated or cornered into a serious convo.

 

Ugh. I hope this is the worst of the badness we will have to undo, but somehow I doubt it, given their ages.

Yes, I've begun to notice this as well.  My middle ds seems to take everything his friends say very seriously, and be more into the social side of things.  The other two are more likely to come to me and ask if they hear something that they don't know about or disagree with. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat View Post

I think you've explained how you felt and viewed the matter so you could leave it be if you think he is done discussing it.

 

Maybe he heard about someone else getting married and not being so open about being pregnant and was wondering about that. You might say that it is true that not everyone goes public about already being pregnant when they marry but that was obviously not the case with you as everyone knew and you were perfectly fine with that. You might emphasize that it is a personal decision that each couple will make on when to share the news of a baby whether they are married or not.

 

I was pregnant with my dd when I married but only a few people close to us knew as we were not ready to share that news with a lot of people yet.

 

I love this way of expressing it!  Thank you!

post #6 of 10
5/10/12 at 3:44pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

He probably picked it up out in the world. I think you handled it well. Hugs!

Thank you!  :)

post #7 of 10
5/11/12 at 4:11am

you have three and I can GUARANTEE that when they grow up (no matter what you do!) they will all have different views on the same situation - no matter what you say, what you do, what really happened or didn't- each will come away with a slightly different perspective on this and many MANY other issues- you should be glad he even said anything- so many keep what they want to believe inside and never express anything

 

some things, no matter what really did take place, they form their own view and they stick with it- I would not sweat this in the least in the end you can't impose your perspective in his long term conclusion on this- he wasn't there and he will form what he needs to address this

post #8 of 10
5/21/12 at 12:55pm

FWIW, my younger DD11 still thinks my legal name is my birth name which I changed almost 10 years ago. She knows that, as I've told her numerous times, but for some reason, she can't wrap her brain around the fact that one CAN legally change their name. In her mind, once you're named, that's it, I guess. It sounds like your DD can't get past the fact that people might be open about a shotgun wedding and is just projecting his own beliefs on the situation. Regardless of the facts, sometimes kids just think what they want to think and somehow that makes it "fact".
 

post #9 of 10
5/21/12 at 12:55pm

Sorry, I meant DS, so used to typing DD, lol.

post #10 of 10
6/2/12 at 3:58pm
Were you hurt by his comment? If so, I'd let him know that it hurt you. I am a big believer that parents have feelings too. I let DD know all the time when she is hurtful or rude to me. It's important that she understands that she can't just treat me anyhow, anyway.
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