I've been such a hormonal/emotional wreck for the past few days. I feel like I'm constantly choking back tears and for no reason at all. I know that part of it is that Mother's day feels really emotional for me. I had some REALLY bad mother's days with my (who was an abusive alcoholic) so Mother's day can feel like a bit of a trigger to begin with. And today feels, well, just like any other day. Nothing feels even remotely special about it and that makes me really sad. I never expressed to my current partner what I would want for Mother's day so I guess I can't expect him to know. And honestly I don't want much...fresh cut lilacs, fresh fruit and an almond croissant...really that's all I want. And to feel, in some way, like today is special.
Anyways...that's all not really the point. The point is it suddenly hit me last night that this is actually going to happen soon and suddenly I'm TERRIFIED! We watched the movie "The Big Stretch" last night and it was beauitful but I spent the entire movie choking back tears thinking "I can't do this". The women in the movie were so beautiful and so strong! My first birth was a super traumatic c-section. My second was an amazing homebirth VBAC. The vbac as 44 hours long, the first 43 I spent fighting labor and being terrified of the unknown. I had never got past 4 cm with my first so the thought of transition and pushing terrified me. Once I surrendered and stopped fighting the fear, my water broke and an hour later I was holding my son. I LAUGHED through my entire transition and my body pushed my baby out in a matter of minutes. It was intense but it didn't feel like "I" had to do any of the work. I was also in such a different place in my life then. With the relationship with my ex I was in constant survival mode. "Strong" was a way of life for me. Every breath I took required me to be the strongest version of who I am. But now my life is so different. I'm not in that place of having to brace myself against the world and constantly be strong. And it's amazing and wonderful to not need to be that now. So much of my healing process has been about breaking down the walls that I thought made me strong, which in reality only separated me from being the fullest version of myself. But now...I think back and wonder whether I would actually make it through another 44 hour labor (even tho I don't think this one will be nearly as long, you never know). I feel like I've lost touch with the superwoman strength I once had and I have no idea if I can conjure it up again when needed. Watching the videos of crowning in that movie last night all I kept thinking is "I can't possibly stretch like that again. It will break me to be that open". I still feel like I have no idea if I would ever make it through a "normal" transition and I certainly still feel like I won't know "how" to push, if it doesnt' just happen like it did last time. The thought of hours of hard work pushing a baby seems foreign and scary to me. With one they cut him out and with the other my body took over and expelled him. What if this time "I" have to do the work? I won't even know where to begin! I know that it is all irrational, hormonal, fear-filled nonsense. That of course I can do it. But holy cow mamas! I feel like such a hormonal emotional wreck over it all right now!
This pregnancy was a HUGE surprise and I was so sick for so long in the beginning. I kept wishing for late pregnancy when I would be big and beautiful, and not so damn tired and sick all the time. And now...I wish I could go back. I feel like I've spent the whole pregnancy wishing it was over and now that I'm at the end, I feel like I missed the whole thing. Like I really wanted to spend my pregnancy nourishing my body, mind and soul and that of my baby and instead I spent the whole thing laying in bed, watching bad TV and barely able to eat enough to nourish myself. I can't stop beating myself up thinking "I should have eaten more greens. Why haven't I been taking Floradix the whole pregnancy? I should have been going to prenatal yoga" and whatever other crazy thoughts I have about not "doing enough" for this baby. After spending years doing birth work and studying women's health I feel like I set this ridiculously high bar of expectation for myself and now I feel like I've failed her before she's even been born. I just want to run away, go back to the beginning and "do it right". I think I got really swept away in taking things "one day at a time" to get through the emotional shock of being pregnant and the physical challenge of being so sick and tired and now I feel like I missed the whole ride.
I don't really know what I expect from this post, I guess I just needed somewhere to share. My partner kept looking at me so sadly this morning before he left for work because I couldn't stop crying and he didn't know what was wrong and I think didn't know how to ask. And I felt like I couldn't tell him. This is his first baby and he really wasn't ready for a baby when we got pregnant so I've felt this whole time like I've had to be strong for him and be our rock. (I think in reality that is only partially true) When we were watching the movie last night he just kept saying "I can't wait to do this with you! You are going to be so amazing and beautiful and strong" and I guess I'm just terrified of what happens if I'm not. What happens if I can't do it? What happens if it's too much? What happens if for some reason we end up with a repeat c-section? Honestly I'm more scared of a rcs this time around than last. With my second I didn't know what the alternative was. This time around, I actually know what I would be missing out on if I ended up with a rcs and honestly I don't know that I would emotionally/spiritually make it through. (I mean of course I would, becuase what other choice is there...but I really feel like it might break me). Anyways...I'm going to stop rambling now...Thanks ladies for listening <3