"soontobemominnc" are you soon to be a mom via adoption? through the foster care system? if so i would gently suggest you do ALOT more research before you accept a match so you will be prepared. Naivety will get you nowhere, fast. Its nice to be positive but you gotta be realistic.
Let me tell you a couple of stories about kids that were presented to me for adoption. Im longwinded so feel free to skim.
One child was listed on a photolisting as basically a typical kid, likes to play, etc etc. When i got his longer "child history" paperwork though, i found out that he was (at 8 yrs old) living in a residential treatment center (for kids with behavior issues, its very expensive so they try to keep kids in foster homes if at all possible, if a child is in an RTC that young, its pretty significant) and had a previous disrupted adoption. The single mom who had adopted him before (in the past year) took him to the psych ward after severe acting out behaviors from this child, the adoption hadnt finalized yet and the agency decided not to return him to her and not let him see her again. They just placed him in a foster home with older parents. The child was removed from this home and taken to RTC and these "grandparents" loved the boy, and visited him regularly....but they would not take him back into their home.
When i asked the social worker for more information about his behaviors, why he was in the RTC, why the "grandparents" wouldnt take him home...her response? "He has issues with homework." Yeah......right. I knew right then that this boy likely had very severe issues and was not the right child for us.
Another child.....again, in an RTC at seven years old. Had a birth grandma who had raised him and dearly loved him, but again....would not have him back in her home. Even in the paperwork it was very sketchy about what the child's actual behaviors were, though it was mentioned that they had to sometimes restrain him. When i pressed the social worker for more information about his issues, she was vague. When i asked her, for example, "is he good/safe with pets?" her response "Oh he just loves the therapeutic horseback riding program here!" ok thats great, but gives no info about whether he is likely to hurt our cat.
A child on my state photolisting around 8 yrs old....my worker said i was matched, that the boy's worker was willing to proceed with us if we wanted. I was SO excited! I had been waiting probably two years for a match with an older child, i had recently adopted my foster baby who i think was about 11 months old at the time and had my older son who was about 12. I got the child's history and was SHOCKED the boy's worker wanted to place him with us. This boy had younger sibs in another adoptive home who had originally had him but after he consistently tried to sexually abuse/act out with the children they had him removed. The agency insisted on monthly sib visits (i guess they were all still fosters at this time) and the boy would try to sexually act out with the younger sibs *during visits!!!* The child was adopted by another family who eventually disrupted the adoption and moved out of state (from reading between the lines it sounds like this family was traumatized by the experience) When i asked my worker *why on earth* the child's worker was willing to place him with a family with a young child in the home (mine!) she called the worker and then called me back and said the worker said "thats no longer an issue." What??? seriously??? it said right there in the paperwork the child's psychiatrist recommends he not live in a home with other children.
Those workers of those kids just wanted to place those boys in a home. DIdnt matter if it was the RIGHT home. Or a PERMANENT home. Didnt matter if the boys in question would go on to hurt other children or family members. Didnt matter if they disrupted in the future causing even further damage to the children's ability to trust. They just wanted a match.
Compare that to these situations:
Saw a boy on another state's photolisting. This boy looked EXACTLY like my other son (didnt have the baby at this time)...red hair, freckles, they could be twins. He was seven or eight years old. I called the worker and spoke extensively with her. She was willing to work with me on possibly making it a match but she wanted to be upfront and honest. The boy was in an RTC and was doing ok but did have acting out issues. She went into great detail about the boy's mother's extensive history of alcohol abuse and while not diagnosed made it clear the boy likely had some significant fetal alcohol damage impacting his ability to attach. She talked about what it would take to parent this child. She wasnt trying to talk me INTO accepting him, she wanted to make sure his next home was his LAST home. And in the end i decided (given how he wasnt safe with other children) that our home was not the right one and he likely should be placed in a home with no other children. I felt good about that decision (though sad) and he fairly quickly was adopted by another family.
Another situation....again, a boy around 10 on another state's photolisting. The history form was VERY extensive, probably 15 pages long and very upfront about everything in his history (SEVERE sexual abuse just the stuff of nightmares really), IQ scores, behavior evals, info from foster parents etc. I spoke with his worker for a long time and she explained that after his last traumatic disrupted adoption (where the parents visited him for months, adopted him, kept him for 8 days over the christmas holiday then decided not to proceed given his issues) the adoption committee was going to be VERY careful about his next home and make sure the parents were adequately prepared. Even though he had severe issues, i saw enough progress detailed in the paperwork that i felt given the progress he made when in a healthy stable environment (increase in IQ scores and school performance, decrease in behaviors etc) that this was a child that might thrive with us (i didnt have younger children in the home at the time)....in the end i wasnt chosen as a match but i assume they found the right family for him.
The young naive social workers for the first three kids above were doing them no favors. I often wonder what happened to those kids. I hope they landed in families able to help them.
In the end, after adopting two younger healthy kids i had fostered, i ended up adopting one of my son's sisters who was 8 at the time. I was given almost NO info about her past and everyone acted like she was "fine"...well she wasnt fine and the past two years have been HARD. I would not recommend anyone go into a situation like ours intentionally unless they wanted and were prepared to parent a child with significant attachment issues, learning disabilities etc. Because if you're not, it is just THAT much harder. And THAT is not fair to the child either.