Interested in Surrogacy for Transgender couple. Where do I start?

[Dare2Dream]

Hi,

I am interested in becoming a surrogate.  I have 3 children of my own, all naturally birthed, two home births.  I have been thinking about surrogacy for a year now, and just weaned my 3.5 and 5 year olds.  Since I am 33, I think it is now or never.  My oldest child is 8 and is Gender Variant.  This is a journey we have been on since he was 5, a journey he was probably on much earlier than that!  For awhile I thought he was going to be Transgender, now I know he is Gender Variant (meaning he isn't comfortable with either gender definition, he just wants to be in the middle and not defined).  Both of these things have made me think that my ideal family for surrogacy would be a Transgender couple.  I would imagine it is harder for those couples to adopt and find surrogates?  Basically I think it is great karma for my kid, someday maybe someone else will give him the same gift.

Can anyone give any insight to this process?  I am in Ventura County (Southern California).  I see a few surrogacy companies, but don't know how to pick.  I also would like some info from past surrogates.  Here are my ideals, let me know if this is realistic!

Homebirth with my midwife, OB vaginal birth backup if necessary if there are twins that are breech.

AP family

Transgender family

Not interested in being an egg donor

Pump breastmilk for a min of 3 mos.

Thanks for the time and info.

Edited by Dare2Dream - 5/14/12 at 8:24pm

[Smithie]

Try reposting this in the Queer Parenting subforum.

There are probably some online groups right in your area who could connect you with hopeful parents who are searching. 

I think that surrogacy through an agency is usually the best plan - but you're right to be hesitant about picking one until you can get a reference from the community that a certain place is LGBT-friendly. 

[CrazyCatLady]

I just wanted to wish you luck.  I am a soon to be surrogate who also lives in Ventura County, CA. :)  I am going indy though, so I have no good agency recommendations.  I hang out on all about surrogacy for my surrogacy questions and answers.  Hopefully you can find a place that can answer your questions for you.   

[marsupial-mom]

I don't understand why these surrogacy threads are popping up in the adoptive and foster parenting section. Sure, a surrogacy might involve the adoption process but I don't really think those discussions belong here. Sorry if I'm mistaken.

[Dare2Dream]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom 

I don't understand why these surrogacy threads are popping up in the adoptive and foster parenting section. Sure, a surrogacy might involve the adoption process but I don't really think those discussions belong here. Sorry if I'm mistaken.

Maybe because there is no subcategory for Surrogacy and this is as close to that as I could find.  I made the assumption that some parents that were trying adoption would have also considered surrogacy and would have some insight.  I was hoping to understand why people do surrogacy rather than adoption (something I believe should be tried first), and thought some adoptive parents might speak up about that journey, maybe they tried adoption and gave up and tried surrogacy.  I figured the community that I so strongly align with would have a different insight than a community of surrogates that come from different parenting styles.  All you have to do is not read my question if you don't want to be involved in the discussion.  I apologize for invading your territory.

Thank you to those who sent personal messages and for the suggestions from crazycatlady and smithie.  I will check those out.

I appreciate your time.

[marsupial-mom]

Originally Posted by Dare2Dream 

I made the assumption that some parents that were trying adoption would have also considered surrogacy and would have some insight.  

I think you're assumption is strange. We never considered surrogacy. Even if we had, I dont think this is the right place to discuss it. Just like how a number of adoptive parents are also infertile, this isn't the right place to discuss that.

A lot of people who choose adoption do actually choose adoption. They aren't just choosing it as a replacement for something else. I don't like this idea that there's some sort of checklist (first try the old fashioned way, if that doesn't work because of infertility or you're a gay couple, then try fertility treatments or donor sperm/egg or surrogacy, and if that doesn't work then adopt and if that doesn't work, go back and try option 2 again and so on...).  Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, a person or couple chooses to adopt. They feel drawn to adoption and they do it.

I honestly do not see any similarity between surrogacy and adoption.

The only thing is that a child born via surrogacy usually has to be adopted for legal reasons, but it's not a true adoption. There's no adoption process or adoption story. It's different. It's just a legal distinction and doesn't relate to what we're talking about when we talk about adoptive and foster parenting.

[Iris2727]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom 

I think you're assumption is strange. We never considered surrogacy. Even if we had, I dont think this is the right place to discuss it. Just like how a number of adoptive parents are also infertile, this isn't the right place to discuss that.

A lot of people who choose adoption do actually choose adoption. They aren't just choosing it as a replacement for something else. I don't like this idea that there's some sort of checklist (first try the old fashioned way, if that doesn't work because of infertility or you're a gay couple, then try fertility treatments or donor sperm/egg or surrogacy, and if that doesn't work then adopt and if that doesn't work, go back and try option 2 again and so on...).  Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, a person or couple chooses to adopt. They feel drawn to adoption and they do it.

I honestly do not see any similarity between surrogacy and adoption.

The only thing is that a child born via surrogacy usually has to be adopted for legal reasons, but it's not a true adoption. There's no adoption process or adoption story. It's different. It's just a legal distinction and doesn't relate to what we're talking about when we talk about adoptive and foster parenting.

Marsupial mom, I don't understand your hostility. This is my first post, but I've been lurking for years, first on the Homebirth page, then TTC, then Infertility, then here. I didn't choose adoption as a last resort, but as an evolution of my experiences. If you don't want to respond to a particular thread, then don't, but please don't be so unwelcoming to those of us who might gain something from this community. It just isn't nice.

[pumpkingirl71]

 Surrogacy does come here from time to time.  I think this is a totally appropriate question.  Unfortunately, I don't have any information, but I hope that you are able to find a great agency.

Originally Posted by Dare2Dream 

Maybe because there is no subcategory for Surrogacy and this is as close to that as I could find. 

[Tigerchild]

This is an adoptive and foster *parenting* board.  Not a generic adoption board.  Sometimes this has led to hurt feelings, but this is not an all-triad all-things-related place.  Adoptees may not post whatever they like here.  PAPs may not post whatever they like here.  Birth parents cannot post whatever they like.  MM is perfectly legitimate in expressing her views here.  When you are seeking to find out more about the process of how to be a surrogate solely from that angle, you are kind of technically off topic.  This is supposed to be a discussion forum for people who are adoptive and foster PARENTING.  Not revolving around the needs of prospectives (though respectful inquiries/discussion tends to happen quite a bit, in all my years of observation/participation) or other triad members.
 

[pumpkingirl71]

That is true, but we really do have a double standard about it.  We talk all of the time about the process of adoption, which is not strictly within the rules.  I am not opposed to a mod moving this thread if they think there is a better place for it, but I just didn't get the anger about asking a surrogacy question here.

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

This is an adoptive and foster *parenting* board.  Not a generic adoption board. 

[Tigerchild]

I didn't perceive any "anger" on MM's part--though I will admit, I did get quite a bit angry at a 1 post person attacking her for being hostile.  MM's question was valid.  Adoptees have had uncomfortable moments too, when posts were getting booted to "Personal Growth" (and to a one everyone I talked to about it felt insulted when their post was moved there), and we were always reminded about the clarification of the boards purpose.  I would say it is not inappropriate to remind non-adoptive/foster-parenting people who get huffy when someone makes a comment about it that the board does technically have a very specific purpose, despite the wandering.
 

[marsupial-mom]

I feel that discussions about surrogacy are off topic in an Adoptive and Foster Parenting forum. If the mods disagree, that's fine. But that's my personal opinion.

I feel that discussing surrogacy in this forum is very similar to discussing IVF or miscarriage. If it comes up as part of a discussion about foster parenting or adoption, then fine. Lots of posters here have been through those things and in a roundabout way they are related as part of their adoption experiences. And lots of posters in other forums have experienced things that don't specifically relate to the forum... should they discuss miscarriage in the Parenting Toddlers forum? Sure, it might come up here and there. But a whole thread dedicated to it? No, that's off topic.

I am a foster-adopt parent. I will adopt my foster son whom I've had since birth and that is our story. Although my partner cannot impregnate me I have not considered surrogacy or IVF as valid options to family creation. (Sperm donation is out for other reasons). I always wanted to adopt anyway, at least once, and so that is what I will do. If you feel any anger or hostility then it is because I do have strong opinions about the ethics of adoption and family creation in general. I have opinions about surrogacy, yes. I do not think it's the most ethical way to create a family, even if the adults in the family have had troubles building their families in other ways because of homophobia and heterosexism. So yeah, there might be a bit of strong emotion associated with the topic for me and you might be picking up on that. It's not actual anger or hostility. It's sadness, really. Sadness for all the children who already exist and who need homes. And sadness for all the adults who feel unprepared and unsupported if they'd choose to adopt a child who required more from them than a healthy newborn would require, myself included.

But I really do feel that this discussion belongs elsewhere. I don't think this is the appropriate place for a discussion about surrogacy.

[Smithie]

I honestly do not see any similarity between surrogacy and adoption.

You mean besides the fact that another woman is carrying the child you are going to raise? That you have a lifelong bond and a lifelong debt to a person you both fear as a potential threat and fear losing because she created your child? That you have the duty to tell your child his birth story from an early age, and to deal with any emotional fallout resulting? Have you ever known any expectant surrogate parents IRL? If you had, I think you'd see the similarities.

You don't have to like surrogacy, but it's very strange of you to suggest that it has nothing in common with infant adoption. Or any adoption. Particularly since it always involves adoption, very often of a child that one or both of the adoptive parents has no genetic relationship with, and it ends up with a child being mothered by somebody other than the woman who gave birth to him. 

[marsupial-mom]

Well if you want to start threads about embryo "adoptions" in the adoption forum rather than in the forum about fertility treatments, then you have a point, Smithie.

There is a huge difference between raising a child that a woman abandons (my story) or a child that the mother made plans to relinquish after conception or raising a child who has lost his/her first parents to poverty or death

vs

creating a human life for the sole purpose of handing that child over to someone else to raise.

[queenjane]

I dont mind the threads about whatever being here because i dont mind reading about them.

That being said...is this really the best place for a person seeking information to actually GET that information. The OP said she wants "insight to this process?  I am in Ventura County (Southern California).  I see a few surrogacy companies, but don't know how to pick.  I also would like some info from past surrogates." I'm not sure a bunch of moms who adopted their kids (and many of the moms here have either adopted internationally or from foster care so not even your typical domestic infant type situation)---many of us who did so NOT because we are infertile--would really help answer her questions. I totally get wanting to stay within your own "community" (MDC) but this board is just not the best place to get a wealth of info about surrogacy.

I lean towards a more....inclusive for lack of a better word...board, and way back when the decision was made to boot adoptees and bmoms issues over to personal growth i was more in the "let them stay" camp if i recall. I dont mind heated discussion and now with the more flexible rules about that here i think it would be even nicer to have a broad spectrum of opinion, but TC is right....this board is technical for adoptive parents and the issues adoptive parents face.
 

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

I honestly do not see any similarity between surrogacy and adoption.

You mean besides the fact that another woman is carrying the child you are going to raise? That you have a lifelong bond and a lifelong debt to a person you both fear as a potential threat and fear losing because she created your child? That you have the duty to tell your child his birth story from an early age, and to deal with any emotional fallout resulting? Have you ever known any expectant surrogate parents IRL? If you had, I think you'd see the similarities.

You don't have to like surrogacy, but it's very strange of you to suggest that it has nothing in common with infant adoption. Or any adoption. Particularly since it always involves adoption, very often of a child that one or both of the adoptive parents has no genetic relationship with, and it ends up with a child being mothered by somebody other than the woman who gave birth to him. 

But it seems a little more like, i dunno, organ donation than infant adoption(feeling gratitude that this person gave you an amazing gift, wanting to stay in touch, the carrier being a big part of the conception/birth story etc.) I am by NO means an expert but from what i understand traditional surrogacy (where the carrier uses her own egg) is pretty uncommon now, and gestational surrogacy is the norm. So, no, there ISNT the same sort of "loss of birthfamily" issues...there MAY be issues in terms of egg and sperm donor if those were used and there is more attention paid now to openness in that area (sibling registries etc) ....but from the moment of conception this child did not belong in another family, there is no real "what if they would have kept me" and i will have to ask my gestational surrogate friend but its also my understanding that there ISNT an adoption that takes place with gestational surrogacy, no homestudy process or anything like that, no going in front of a judge and getting approval (but i could be wrong.) There is SO MUCH about it that is different.

[Smithie]

I wonder how many interns Reproductive Possibilities has scouring the Internet for posts like the OPs. 

There is SO MUCH about it that is different.

No doubt. But also so much that is the same. I agree that the OP should be directed to other places on MDC that might be able to offer the regionally specific information - but not that it doesn't make sense for her to think of herself as a birthmother and hence, as part of the adoption community. 

[queenjane]

I could see how an actual birthmother who placed a baby for adoption might be kinda offended with someone who intentionally created the situation to call herself a "birthmother" and from everything i read most surrogates do NOT think of themselves as birthmother (like we use the word in adoption circles) in fact just the opposite, they are pretty clear that the intended mother is THE mother, not her.

[lauren]

I am checking into whether there is a more appropriate place for surrogacy threads on MDC.
 

[Mom31]

Lauren- I am touching base with a surrogate I know on here- to see if she would be willing to talk to the OP since it seems she wants to talk to a natural experience.  I am not sure if there is a thread here.  I asked her for a surrogacy forum I have heard her speak about before so I could share it with this lady.

Edited by Mom31 - 5/22/12 at 4:55pm