No babies or toddlers allowed at wedding...

[bhaktimama]

My cousin is getting married, and I had RSVP'ed saying that I, my husband and 2.5 yo little one would be attending. Lo and behold I get an email 3 days before the event stating that, in the fine print on the website "children under five are not invited to the wedding" because it is "adult-oriented". I was told that I could leave my child in "an upstairs room" with a TV and bunk beds but he wasn't allowed in the ceremony or reception (an the rehearsal dinner was out too).  I got angry and decided not to attend. My cousin emphasized that it wasn't personal, but that since so many of the invitees had young children they had to decide to include all or none, and they chose none. She (obviously) doesn't have children and I don't think she likes them. I feel that this is age-ism which, like sexism, homophobia and racism, should be discouraged. Has anyone else dealt with a "no kids allowed" wedding? How did you react?

[Bokonon]

I think it's a bride and groom's right to invite whomever they like to their wedding, and exclude whomever they like.  Like any other party, sometimes kids are just not appropriate, and sometimes they are.

[fruitfulmomma]

Agree with Bokonon... their wedding, they invite who they want. I would politely decline to attend. We do very little without our children so it just wouldn't work for us.

[IsaFrench]

she doesn't have to invite children .... but then you don't have to attend "just because it's family" ... if the style of the wedding doesn't fit with your family life and how you prefer to live .... (better be no other family member that gives you grief about it, ... i would take any comment badly)
 

[Rani]

Agreed with all the above. Its her right to not invite them. You have to decide if you want to hire a baby sitter to attend or not. I don't like the leave them in the room for someone else I don't know watching them game. That usuallyends badly.

[JudiAU]

The invitiation was more than likely addressed to you and your spouse only and thus you were supposed to understand that only the two of you were invitied. You were actually in error to not recognize that your child wasn't included and to RSVP for her. I kind fo feel sorry for the bride needing to make the awkard phone call to the family member who "didn't get it."

 It is quite common and your cousin has the right to invite whomever she wishes to whatever kind of event she wants to have. It has nothing to do with homophobia or anything else.

So, make peace with with the fact that she wants an adult party with adult clothes and adult talk and either RSVP with pleasure or decline because of childcare choices. But there is no reason to be angry or bitter about it.

[McGucks]

It's up to her to decide how her wedding goes, and it's up to you to decide if you want to play ball or not.  If it was me, I'd likely use it either as an excuse not to go (I don't like weddings, even my own) or go and take turns with DH helping out in the kiddie room.

I understand your concern about age-ism, but it's her wedding.  If you find the age-ism thing offensive, you don't have to go.  If you want to go, decide under what circumstances you are comfortable going that mesh with her request.

[mamandedeux]

To be honest, I wouldn't want wee ones at my wedding either, and I'm all about kids. I would prefer a ceremony without having to worry about kidlets being entertained or being unruly. I'm around young children all day long, and I enjoy their company. I would just prefer, for once, to not be in ''kiddy-mode'', so I understand how someone might feel that way.

Also, I don't think this is ageism at all, no more than bars and pubs not allowing persons under a certain age. If the festivities she has in mind are not appropriate for a young crowd or kid-friendly, then it is fine to exclude that age group.

It's her party! You don't have to go.

[Ramzubo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fruitfulmomma 

Agree with Bokonon... their wedding, they invite who they want. I would politely decline to attend. We do very little without our children so it just wouldn't work for us.

 

Weddings as child-free parties are becoming more common. If you want to attend and have a night out without the kids then great, but if you're not interested or don't want to deal with finding a sitter then just decline. It's fine for them to exclude kids as long as they don't get upset when invited guest w/ kids decline.

I would not do the upstairs room thing because you and/or your dh would miss most of the wedding anyways so what's the point?

[sewingmommy]

her wedding her rules

[rachelsmama]

I vote option 4: pretend you didn't get the e-mail    If the absence of children is so important to her, she should have mentioned it sooner, or stated her preference in larger print, in a more prominent location.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by rachelsmama 

I vote option 4: pretend you didn't get the e-mail    If the absence of children is so important to her, she should have mentioned it sooner, or stated her preference in larger print, in a more prominent location.

But like JudiAU said, if the invitation was addressed to the OP and her husband, that should have been enough.  Only invited guests are welcome.  Doesn't seem too confusing.  I would be livid if someone brought their kids to an adult event where they were not invited and then the invitee pretended not to know that the children were not welcome.  That's much more rude and inconsiderate than just not going, and why would someone want to potentially create family drama at another person's wedding?  A wedding reception often costs tens of thousands of dollars - it's not for the invited guests to decide what the demographics of the party will entail.

[rachelsmama]

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

But like JudiAU said, if the invitation was addressed to the OP and her husband, that should have been enough.  Only invited guests are welcome.  Doesn't seem too confusing.  I would be livid if someone brought their kids to an adult event where they were not invited and then the invitee pretended not to know that the children were not welcome.  That's much more rude and inconsiderate than just not going, and why would someone want to potentially create family drama at another person's wedding?  A wedding reception often costs tens of thousands of dollars - it's not for the invited guests to decide what the demographics of the party will entail.

  If the op hadn't included her toddler on the RSVP, or the bride had said something as soon as she saw the RSVP, I'd say you had a point, but considering how weird and vague and variable the whole wedding etiquette thing is, I don't see what's wrong with thinking that toddlers get in on their parents' invitation (since they don't need a chair).  I DO see a problem with waiting until after the invitee has bought a present, possibly clothes, etc... to say "oh, by the way, you guessed wrong".

[bhaktimama]

Clarification - 1) RSVP sent well before date with statement that I and husband and toddler are coming. 2) Three days before wedding I get an email from stepmother of bride stating that I might want to "check" with the bride to see if toddler can come. 3) Email from bride with quote from wedding website about children under five not being invited. When I looked quote was halfway down the page with information for out of town guests and no note on the invitation indicating kids were banned. Being as I live in the town where the wedding is being hosted I didn't scour the page for out of town guests. 4) Further note we come from a laid back family of physicians and intellectuals from the South and have never had a family event before where all children were banned. It just isn't normal here. Nobody puts kids names on the invitation because it is understood that kids tend to go places with their parents and when I have shown up without my son people generally ask where he is!

Thanks for your insights ladies. I am a doctor and I work alot (up to 95h per week) with critically ill patients, and I am (like many of you) not interested in attending events where children aren't welcome because my time with my own is incredibly precious to me. I had a super-inclusive wedding from an ethnic, gender, sexual orientation, disability and age perspective and thought it was awesome. Everyone is different and my cousin has a different vision, so I am honoring her vision and keeping my son away. I did already buy a present and clothes, of course, but there are plenty of other parties to wear clothes to and I would have bought her a present regardless. I have done a lot of work to understand her aversion to children and think that I get it in the context of her life story. To each her own. I think that whomever said it isn't something to get upset about is right. I see the bounty and gifts that children offer and she sees the bounty and gifts that professional achievement offers and thats fine. Luckily the world is big enough for all of us!

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by JudiAU 

The invitiation was more than likely addressed to you and your spouse only and thus you were supposed to understand that only the two of you were invitied. You were actually in error to not recognize that your child wasn't included and to RSVP for her. I kind fo feel sorry for the bride needing to make the awkard phone call to the family member who "didn't get it."

Really? I realize this is technically true for formal invitations but most invitations I receive are directed at myself & DH, with the understanding that DS is of course included. It can get ridiculous to address an invite to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Kelly, Brian, Mike, Susie, Emily, & Baby Jane" and I don't think it's an 'error' on anyone's part to assume children are invited or excluded just because it was addressed to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith", especially if the "no children" statement was only included in small print, on a website no less... and I'm pretty sure wedding websites don't fit in with proper etiquette!

I would not attend a wedding where children are not allowed, for multiple reasons. I wouldn't "boycott" -- I'd just politely decline, though of course if the bride/groom asked why I couldn't attend I would be honest that we don't use sitters or whatever. And yes, I might feel hurt or annoyed, but I do realize it's their party & they can invite whoever they want. I don't think it's exactly ageism but I wouldn't really want to be part of something like that either.

Luckily anyone who knows me knows that I wouldn't go to a child-free event anyway! OP, I'm sorry about your experience and especially that they waited 'til last minute to tell you!!

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

I think it's a bride and groom's right to invite whomever they like to their wedding, and exclude whomever they like.  Like any other party, sometimes kids are just not appropriate, and sometimes they are.

Agreed.

Either get a sitter your kid loves and go. Or stay home.

Do not show up with kid in tow anyway... that would be wrong!

[TiredX2]

I wouldn't take your little one.  That said--- what an odd cut-off line.  I totally understand the concept of an "adult only" wedding, but five?  You're going to have a lot less disruption from an infant than an unruly 5 year old.  I wonder if there are specific children they are trying to include and this was their way of doing it?  My BIL had no ring bearer at his wedding because his future bride's nephews who were that age were *hellions* and they just didn't want to have them involved (this was explained to us because there were SIX flower girls and my daughter was one but DS wasn't invited--- we didn't care, but he did wear a tux (that he had for the other BIL's wedding that same summer) and they totally included him, lol).

[Youngfrankenstein]

JudiAU is right....

[crayfishgirl]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 


It can get ridiculous to address an invite to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Kelly, Brian, Mike, Susie, Emily, & Baby Jane" and I don't think it's an 'error' on anyone's part to assume children are invited or excluded just because it was addressed to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith"...

For my wedding where children were welcome (and 25% of the guest list!), invitations were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Family".  For my brother's wedding, which was a black tie evening function where the attendance of children was not appropriate, invites were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith".  I know that my brother had to respond to people who had included children in their RSVP and explain that it was an adults-only affair, although they did this several weeks before the event.  If an invitation doesn't include "and Family", I typically check (not that we attend a ton of weddings...).

[Caneel]

OP - I think it is unfortunate that no one contacted you until so close to the event. 

I have been on both side of this and feelings very often get hurt.  Anyone that chooses to exclude children (as I did) better understand when the parents of child choose not to attend (I did) but I know understanding doesn't always flow both ways.

Not that it matters but I agree with whoever said 5 yo is sort of an odd age when considering disruption potentional as compared to other ages, I agree!

At least the bride/groom made it an across the board restriction.  If you want to see hurt feelings, go to a wedding where only certain kids are invited!  I am not talking about siblings or kiddos in the wedding party but the Smiths (neighbor from 10 years ago) can bring their 4yo but the Jonses' (very close friends of the grooms family) 5 yo is not welcome.  I was at one of those last year, lots of hurt feelings still linger.....