So since I found this out I have been doing some thinking about how to sort out the underlying problems. Our home situation is challenging because there is just not a lot of time or attention to go around. My DH and I both work full time and we have a two year old too (He's fine. No behavioral problems.) I know I yell and am bossy sometimes and I don't have enough patience with interruptions. I am very aware that these are my issues and I really do think I'm getting better and when I screw up I apologize to DD and try to handle it the best I can.
I think the real problem is communication issues with my DH - I don't feel supported by him at all, even though he helps a lot. I am always feeling let down and like he is permissive and rude to the kids, tells them what to do instead of helping them solve their own problems, and doesn't enforce rules that we agreed on together - which does not really help me have more patience with the kids. I also feel like I get less time and flexibility than he does, plus regardless of who does XYZ around the house (it's about equal) I am the one who coordinates everything and is ultimately responsible. He says I escalate parenting problems too quickly and I yell more than he does. I have called him on yelling before and he really doesn't think he's yelling. He is also an army reservist and a gamer in addition to his job, so he doesn't have much time.
So I guess I am wondering WWYD from here? I haven't told DH because he is out of town until Friday. I know his reaction will be to give DD a lecture about being nice and he will not make any connection to our home life. I know there is no point in talking to him myself because he will either say the right thing and then keep doing what he's doing or say it's my fault. He also is not going to want to do less parenting since he has said he feels left out when I do it all (although he almost never does anything without being told.) So I am thinking of doing counselling but what kind and how do I bring it up? I don't want to tell him it's for us because then he'll be hurt that I have a problem with him. But I don't really think DD needs it that much, if she had consistent rules and wasn't getting yelled at all the time she would probably be fine.