Fellow ttc travelers, just in case you haven't met me, 'cause I'm new, I'm zenquaker and have been ttc for just under a year with one miscarriage. I have a five-year-old son and a wonderful husband. I'm on my first Clomid cycle, and my first Clomid 2ww. And I'm going INSANE.
Hence, this thread!
I need a space to come to gather with other women who are in the middle of their period of waiting for the results of their efforts (or maybe some who weren't trying at all, and maybe wishing for a negative!) WITHOUT getting encouragement for all the crazy-making behaviors and thoughts that have characterized all my 2wws for the past 11 months. I want to re-conceptualize (har, har) the 2ww as a beautiful, almost holy time of waiting. If you are religious, or spiritually inclined, you can think of it as akin to Advent or Lent: a time to become quiet and inward, a time to listen, a time to reflect, a time to prepare for some kind of Coming (be it a new life, a grand disappointment, a new direction in ttc, an unplanned blessing, or an unplanned complication).
At the end of our 2ww we are going to be going through something emotional and significant. Why not take our luteal phases to prepare our minds, bodies, and spirits for whatever is to come? Not by becoming obsessed over one outcome, but by noticing our thoughts and feelings and returning to a center of calm and reflection. Our bodies are doing AMAZING things during the luteal phase--creating that lining to nurture a new life, if it comes along, and if our bodies are not working the way we want them to, striving and working so hard to be ready for a life. It is beautiful what our bodies are doing. I am awe of the whole lot of it! (Sidebar: I showed DS one of those videos that was taken inside a real live woman of the journey of the sperm to the egg and he was absolutely spellbound. I love the sense of wonder at this age, before it all becomes embarrassing and gross to many children)
I'd like this to be a space free of symptom spotting (!), chart over-analysis, pleas for those with past bfps to tell us that they, too, had dry mouths and creamy cm in their 2wws, and early testing (before expected missed period). These are the things that make me, and I suspect many of us, CRAZY. Worse, they use up valuable time and energy that we could spend on nurturing ourselves.
Those are the don'ts. How about some do's?
Let us meditate daily, freeing our minds of obsessive thoughts for any length of time that is feasible and desirable, even if it is five minutes, even if it is ONE minute! Let us breathe and be open to many possibilities, and listen for guidance and inspiration.
Let us record our temps lightly, saying each morning to ourselves, "97.67. This is one temperature among many. It alone tells me nothing. I will record this and blow it away like a kiss. The time for analysis is later."
Let us chart once a morning and not return again to the chart until the next morning.
Let us listen to our bodies, noting each change and feeling we have with lightness. Let us greet each feeling (and not call them "symptoms--" maybe someone has a better term?) and just sit with it, live with it, not ask the feeling to tell us anything. It may tell us something, or it may not.
Let us come together to share our meditations, not our "symptoms." Let us support one another with love and patience, and share ways we've found to be more spiritually engaged with our bodies, our possible future children, and the people whose love surround us daily (spouses, children, parents and in-laws, siblings, close friends).
Let us focus on nourishing our bodies with fresh whole foods, with greens and beets (if you like them) and walnuts and good fats and everything that strengthens us and gives us even moods and tempers.
Let us take walks and runs and bike rides and do yoga and Pilates and give our bodies the gift of joyful movement.
Let us compose poems, prayers, stories, letters, etc. that contemplate the wonder of this time.
And let us breathe, breathe, breathe in the life that is all around us.
I hope some sisters join me, because frankly, I really need it! Just one would be enough, more would be better :) I feel that others may need this too.
I hope that some of you will have ideas on how to fill this time. Maybe we could have a meditation for each day past ovulation, or some little exercise. The former behavioral therapist in me knows that you have to REPLACE unwanted thoughts and behaviors with more rewarding ones.
*Disclaimer: this is NOT a criticism of people who obsess, are POAS addicts, symptom-spotters, etc. These are not healthy things for ME, and I'm thinking there may be a few ladies for whom this is also true. This is a space for those. But of course, ALL are welcome to read and even post, but I would just prefer that even if you are a POAS addict or whatever that you keep those thoughts/activities off the thread.*