I actually followed through with making myself some new cloth pads to "welcome" the possibility of AF's visit next week:
Not beautiful, but functional: one layer flannel, a thick terrycloth soaker, and fleece backing. But honestly, I will be so happy NOT to use these!
So, I am posting again on the subject of chaos. Last night I came to grips with this chaos monster looming in my future in the form of a chaotic work schedule this fall. And yesterday a huge wildfire erupted near where I live. Chaos everywhere and there is very little I can do, but move forward. Although, in the case of wildfire, I'd really like to burrow under my covers because the smoke that has drifted from the foothills into my town is burning my nose and brain. And maybe sitting still is part of moving forward because you still have to breath (again, difficult in my situation).
No real conclusions tonight....
Brambleberry, I really like your pads! So smart to use a deep red. No stains (duh). And I think they're beautiful. I love that you used making them as a way to embrace one of your possible outcomes.
ClumsySugarPlum, sorry and frightened for you about the fire . . . life is so very fragile at every stage. Hopefully it will burn itself out without too much damage and make room for new life.
I am on a lovely family vacation and it is really helping with this first stage of the 2ww. I'm thinking of not temping after I confirm 'O. Today was my first day of a really high temp so I kind of just want to stop there. I probably will temp a couple more days just so FF will give me an O date, then stop so I can stop obsessing. In the past I have analyzed every temp.
I'm also preparing for my big interview and practicing embracing many possible outcomes. Sometimes it's hard work!
So sorry WritingLove! I hope you're looking after yourself and giving yourself a lot of space and time to process this experience. I watched Fierce Grace the other night and all I gotta say is wow. I broke down and cried near the end because some of the things being said just wrung so true for me. I wasn't crying out of grief but for just pure understanding and connection to what I know to be true. Such a powerful documentary.
Congrats SophieAnn! It's always great to be able to celebrate that you feel gross! Wishing you an uneventful 9 months!
As for me... I am 11 DPO. This has been the easiest 2 ww since I switched gears and stopped obsessing. I did however have a few stressful days and went through a bit of an emotional rollercoaster yesterday. I live in China and work at an elementary school for ex-pats. By 11 am I could smell a burning smell coming from outside. I figured it was just someone burning garbage (an all too-common occurrence). I went to the Chinese teaching assistant and asked her to tell the maintenance crew not to burn during school hours (who knows what they're burning and how toxic it is). She told me it wasn't the school, it was another property. This was gross smoke, it was yellow and thick and got worse. It burned your eyes and your throat. I didn't like what was happened so I told the other teachers to keep their students inside their classrooms (the smoke was in the halls because all the windows and doors to outside were open with 30'c weather). I found out the smoke was also appearing at my home 20 minutes away. A frantic Chinese friend got a hold of me and told me that it was a factory explosion and that the air was tainted with Chlorine gas...and that it was too dangerous to go outside which I could believe because it was so thick and yellow and irritating to the eyes and lungs. At the end of the school day the air was a little better but it was still tainted. I had to drive home in it (my boyfriend was waiting for me at the apartment with a gas mask). All I could think of all day was "What if I'm pregnant!?!" When I got home I took a hpt and it was bfn at 10 dpo. It was the first time I almost felt relieved to have a bfn. Today the air is much better, the gas obviously blew away overnight (which is also depressing considering it's not gone, just in a new place). I am struggling to find a calm in this. I want to believe that the chances are minimal that anything occurred but it is still scary... I'm not hoping for a bfn but can't help but feel like if there was ever a time I was supposed to get one, it's a good cycle to be totally ok with that. I am grateful that I will be back in Canada in less than three weeks (I'm scheduled to O on the plane! ha ha ha oh universe) where I will have access to clean air and clean food. If anything, this experience has just made me really grateful for what I have access too and very sad for those who do not have the options I do.
So, I am posting again on the subject of chaos. Last night I came to grips with this chaos monster looming in my future in the form of a chaotic work schedule this fall. And yesterday a huge wildfire erupted near where I live. Chaos everywhere and there is very little I can do, but move forward. Although, in the case of wildfire, I'd really like to burrow under my covers because the smoke that has drifted from the foothills into my town is burning my nose and brain. And maybe sitting still is part of moving forward because you still have to breath (again, difficult in my situation).
No real conclusions tonight....
Clumsy - Are you in Colorado? I live south of Denver & know that there is a big fire burning up north near Ft. Collins. Regardless, hope that you and your family are safe and things are getting under control. Hang in there!
AFM - I'm pretty sure that I O'd yesterday - temp dip & positive OPK. We'll see. Wasn't able to get DH to dtd last night (he was pretty beat), but did the night before & I'm sure I can seduce him tonight ;) I'm actually feeling pretty good about this cycle. I would love to get the bfp, but I'm OK if I don't. I feel like I'm starting to get some things together and it's OK if I don't get pregnant right away. DS & I are starting our time together with playdates & maybe some trips to the gym. I'm really trying to clean up my eating & want to basically eliminate alcohol from my diet. It's been a problem this year. Not to a point where I feel that I need help, but I've relied on it much too much for stress relief. So far, so good.
Hope everyone else is having a good start to the week.
Clumsy - One thing about chaos is that it can be both a destructive or a creative force.
zenquaker - good luck with the interviews!
writinglove - I am so sorry. I don't know what to say about the cosmic whack-a-mole situation other than to just let yourself feel what you feel.
nattery - holy cow. It does make your heart ache for all those children exposed to air pollution and sometimes lead on a daily basis. And I'm so sorry and embarrassed for our (the USA's) role in it. Still bfn or are you waiting a little longer to test again?
mayday - have fun with the baby dancing!
AFM - I successfully refrained from testing today (10dpo). That's all.
SophieAnn, congratulations! Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy!
Sorry I've been gone quite a bit, ladies. Staying away has helped me stay sane. I know not to expect O for another couple of days or so and I'm trying hard not to obsess about BDing at the "right" time.
maydaymom10 and Clumsy, I'm in New Mexico. Talk about fires... One of my very cynical friends said: "Well at least we don't have much left to burn, we've got that going for us."
So I'm gearing up to O and I've been oscillating between "feeling" like this is my month and "feeling" like it won't happen and I should just reconcile myself with that thought now. I'm not sure how to stay hopeful and sane at the same time. I don't want to be disappointed again so if I resign myself now I can spare the trouble, right? And at the same time I feel like that would not be honoring my body, not giving it the time and space it needs to be ready to conceive. Does that make any sense? I don't know what I can do to stay positive and nurturing before I even O. I don't want to feel crushed again at the end of the month.
Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for letting me share and giving me the space to be in a funk.
dakipode - I totally get that feeling, as I've been feeling that way this month as well. For me I think it's a way of protecting myself for disappointment again at the end of the month. I've been trying to focus on doing things for myself that will make me healthier for when I do get the bfp. It's been awhile since I'd been able to really focus on working out. I'm trying to clean up my diet. I've decided I'm going to treat the next 2 weeks as if I were pregnant, which for me means no alcohol and limiting caffeine. I'm also trying to get out of the house with ds and connect with others who have kids the same age. Hang in there. It might get better once you get closer to O'ing again.
AFM - Now I'm almost positive that I O'd 2 days ago. I really wanted to dtd last night to try to catch the egg since dh wasn't in the mood the previous night, even though I'm feeling similar to dakipode that it just wasn't going to happen this month. Initially dh wasn't into it, and I went to bed resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen this month. I was OK with it, but at the same time was really bummed. DH actually came around and we did some nice bd'ing 
So, we'll see what happens. Again, I'd like to NOT obsess during this 2WW.
:
I love this - this, and being in the river, are my most spiritual moments - I just feel tapped into this enormous, ancient life force. I need to put this on my to-do list!
I'm a bit out of place here, as we are not TTC. But I had to let you know how beautiful your initial post was, zenquaker, and how much it has helped me! I return to it (and this thread) often.
I haven't been charting, though I am newly interested in starting, to get to know my body better. I do not even know if I'm fertile at all yet (still bf-ing 14 mo. DS, no PPAF) but I royally screwed up with the mini-pill this month (which, I hear, is not all that reliable to begin with!).
So now...trying to find the zen in waiting. Waiting should be a calm period, by definition - nothing is happening. If I can just sit in that quiet, air-filled space and breathe, I will be ok! It's such an interesting moment - full of infinite possibilities - wide open. Maybe need to do some chest-expanding yoga poses - that seems to help me stretch and embrace the world, instead of shutting down.
I certainly get way too cerebral with it - analyzing everything - and my ego kicks in, demanding to know, know, know - so I can direct my energy and thoughts in the "proper" direction. That's what gets me - the push and pull. For most of you, I hear that it's a pull between daring to hope and guarding against disappointment. For me, I ricochet back and forth from worry and stress to trying to be positive and welcoming - not wanting to disrespect my body by wishing for BFN if there is something going on, but not wanting to overanalyze and invent something to prepare for either - ah! It's so hard.
Ultimately, I'm coming to peace with what will be, will be. 
I had to let you know, though, that you all have been instrumental in this process! (all crazy confessed, I just took a test today at what I think would be 5 or 6 dpo - trying to do better, trying to relinquish it to the universe!)
I am trying to simply notice any unusual "sensations" as they appear (not look for them, not google them, etc.) - just sit with them, not commit to any one cause (who knows what my body could be telling me! These sensations can mean so many different things, it's silly). I'm also applying your approach to temps to these - once I notice them, I say, "Thank you, body!" and blow them away on a kiss. This also helps me feel less silly/obsessive/paranoid. If there is something going on, I'll know eventually. If there is not, I needn't feel like a fool - and I've engaged in some meaningful personal work toward peace. 
So thank you all so much! And I wish you a peaceful and prosperous path. 
I am trying to simply notice any unusual "sensations" as they appear (not look for them, not google them, etc.) - just sit with them, not commit to any one cause (who knows what my body could be telling me! These sensations can mean so many different things, it's silly). I'm also applying your approach to temps to these - once I notice them, I say, "Thank you, body!" and blow them away on a kiss.
... and I love this! thank you for joining and sharing. What a beautiful way to practice mindfulness and self-compassion with your fertility.
This year I have been trying to wake up more to life and channel more positive energy, and be more compassionate to resist my ingrained and frankly unhealthy perfectionism. Your sentiment is very inspiring to me as a way to bring this to TTC as well, by stepping back and accepting our bodies for what they are and what they give us. Beautiful.
Hi again everyone!
Dakipode: HAPPY O'ING!
Writinglove: I'm sorry you're struggling with why the universe is kicking you when you're already down. I've fallen back on a lot of Rumi poetry when I feel this way.
This was one of my favorites when I went through a really hard summer two years ago: In a particularly desperate moment I realize that despite my grief and suffering I was growing and changing and learning so much in those moments, I ended up crying out of joy while reading this poem.
"The cloud weeps, and then the garden sprouts.
The baby cries, and the mother's milk flows.
The Nurse of Creation has said, Let them cry a lot.
"This rain-weeping and sun-burning twine together
to make us grow. Keep your intelligence white-hot
and your grief glistening, so your life will stay fresh.
Cry easily like a little child."
— Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks
My other favorite Rumi poem to turn to when very sad is this one:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
As for me... I am 13 DPO and still find it to be the easiest 2ww I have had yet. I don't feel obsessed or fixated on the potential. I am going to test tomorrow but I'm also not counting down the clock. I did test at 10 dpo due to the chemical poison happening in my area but if AF doesn't show by tomorrow I think I will test. I'm proud I haven't tested more than necessary. I'm even tempted to just wait to be a few days officially late before testing. We shall see!
That being said... I do feel some AF'ness cramps, etc. So I am also very prepared to welcome that time this weekend. Again, I just keep revisitng the pros and cons of it all. Pros: I'm starting my family! Pros of not being pregnant: I get to go to the bar with friends one last time this weekend! I get to be a little more uninhibited when I see friends for the first time in a couple of weeks... yippee hooray! There's blessings coming my way either way.
THANK YOU nattery. Beautiful poems. Wonderful wonderful. Let us all meet our dark thoughts at the door laughing and invite them in.
I must admit I cracked and tested this morning (11dpo). BFN. And a little tiny bit of spotting today (but I had a very light period when I was first pregnant with DD, so may not mean anything). I am going to wait at least until 13dpo to test again.
Hi Ladies! My DH is so excited about starting our family that he's been convinced that I'm pregnant for a week- and I'm only 8 DPO!!! 
He is adorable, but if he's wrong, we will be so disappointed! Here's to hoping I can be patient enough to wait for Sunday to test...
Thank you for being here. 
I have been reasonably calm about his opinion due to all y'alls good examples. I am super hopeful, but its our first attempt, I'm ok with it taking as long as it needs to.
Its weird, since he told me he thought I was pregnant, I've become hyper aware of my body. It's probably psychosomatic, but I can smell EVERYTHING! 
I just keep redirecting my thoughts to the tasks at hand, but its hard. Pickle18, you've been particularly helpful. Whenever it is that I do catch, I'll have had a good bit of redirection practice for raising the child.
Sleep sweet, everybody.
Pros: I'm starting my family! Pros of not being pregnant: I get to go to the bar with friends one last time this weekend! I get to be a little more uninhibited when I see friends for the first time in a couple of weeks... yippee hooray! There's blessings coming my way either way.
nattery - Here-here. I'm trying to approach things the same way. Especially this month. I'll test right before I head to a family reunion of sorts. So, if I get a bfp - Yay!! But, if I get a bfn, then I get to relax with my family and enjoy having a few glasses of wine on the Oregon coast.
Hi Ladies! My DH is so excited about starting our family that he's been convinced that I'm pregnant for a week- and I'm only 8 DPO!!! He is adorable, but if he's wrong, we will be so disappointed! Here's to hoping I can be patient enough to wait for Sunday to test...
My DH is the same way. He's convinced every month that I'm preggo. I few months ago he was totally shocked when AF came. We were both pretty surprise, but it's OK. I think we got pregnant with DS so quickly that it's just an assumption that I am pregnant -- why wouldn't I be?? He actually asked me last night if I was prenant -- I DPO 3. I was like, well if so it's been in the last 24 hours or so. We gotta wait, babe.
AFM - As expected FF shows me ovulating on Monday, so I'm back in the 2ww. Our timing was OK, but not optimal so time will tell. I have some things to distract me from the anguish of the 2ww. I'm meeting with a woman who owns a pregnancy and wellness center in town to discuss my providing doula services and teaching some classes. I'm really excited to see what could happen. It would be a side-job for now, but I'm OK with that. I'm still transitioning from working full-time to staying home with DS. I'm eager to see where this new path could lead me, but am also trying to take a slow trek down it.
This year I have been trying to wake up more to life and channel more positive energy, and be more compassionate to resist my ingrained and frankly unhealthy perfectionism. Your sentiment is very inspiring to me as a way to bring this to TTC as well, by stepping back and accepting our bodies for what they are and what they give us. Beautiful.
Thank you for the warm welcome! I really like this (bold)! Such a great approach. And I can completely relate to the perfectionism. Working on embracing life, instead of controlling it, and making a little more room for the universe to work through me. Of course, that requires eliminating rigidity (I often think about waves rolling into shore - I can be stubborn and stiff and the waves will smash into me and knock me down - or I can let go of the bottom and ride them wherever they take me!) and clearing out alot of clutter - my own preconceived notions/plans/ego, etc.
Sleep sweet, everybody.
I was just thinking this as I went to bed! I was afraid it would sound flippant if I said it, but I do believe it sincerely.
Lastly, beautiful poems, nattery! I also like your positive focus on the pros. Today I feel like a mental ping pong ball - back and forth between outcomes, sometimes stopping for serenity, haha. So many things I want to log in one column or the other. But a sensation tells me nothing, a statistic tells me nothing, what happened to one woman on a message board tells me nothing...nothing will tell me anything about *me* and my body until it's time. My goal is just to practice mindfulness in the meantime, to be open to whatever may come.
You know, yesterday I was thinking, "the ladies are getting down. We need some inspiration and words of wisdom." And just like that, it came pouring in from the regular ladies and some wonderful new ones! Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for posting your ways of approaching ttc (or not ttc) in all its stages. This has become a space more beautiful than I had hoped when I wrote the first post.
The Rumi poems made me cry (in a good way).
I'm winding up my vacation, which was lovely and relaxing, and heading into the hard part of the 2ww. Once again I'm feeling things that I want to interpret and label and I'm trying to breathe through them. What is happening inside my body is secret and private to my body. I'm not privvy to it yet. I will know when it's time.
I've been so busy the past few weeks that I haven't had much extra time. It's nice to catch up on this post and I have to say you're all inspiring. On the good side of being busy though is I now find myself at 10 DPO and with travelling for work I haven't been temping since I O'd. Even before that my temps were all over the place this month so I figured it wasn't worth trying to keep track and figure it all out (although I had some pink CM yesterday - trying not to read too much into it!).
On the other hand it seems as though there are babies all around. A good friend just had her second yesterday, and her first is 7 months younger than my DS. And DS is at the age where people are starting to ask about when we're having another. This is only the third cycle trying, so I'm not really concerned but DP has said that he's starting to come around to the idea that we might just have one, and that he's okay with that. Arg! After years of him talking about wanting a big family.
Writinglove - I like your friend's perspective... thanks for sharing! I thought of that this morning as I went to work and thought about how this could very well be the last few days / weeks/ months that me and my partner have each other all to ourselves... :D and with the summer coming up it could very well be the last summer where we aren't constrained by an infant/ child / teenager's schedule and needs. There is something really fun about the romance of it all and the anticipation.
Glad everyone liked the Rumi poetry... I fall to Rumi poetry all the time. I always seems to learn something profound from it.
What's happening in my world. Well today I am 14 dpo! and no I haven't tested yet. I always seem to test and then AF starts an hour or so afterwards. I am a little nervous to take it and get the disapointment. In a way I am savoring the last few moments of "what if I'm pregnant?" the way I used to savor the last moments of waiting for Christmas (I was always sad moments after presents were open, despite whether I got what I wanted, because the anticipation and surprise was gone).
Tonight is a party for the student's my boyfriend taught in China. I will probably take a test before as the parties can get quite smokey and if I know I'm pregnant I dont want to be around it (well I don't want to be around it anyways). AF hasn't shown up but I've had cramps all day and sometimes quite intense ones, which is typical before AF shows up so I am resigned to waiting another month. The bonus of this however is.... I know I will probably really really appreciate NOT being pregnant in two weeks form now when I am traveling for over 24 hours, including an 18 hour flight and a 7 hour delay with 6 suitcases and two cats in tow!
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