A Sane 2ww - Page 2

[nearlyelated]

nattery it certainly sounds as though you have a lot going on, that alone had make a cycle funny.  At least you'll have a distraction for the next little while!  I really need to finish some knitting/sewing projects.

maydaymom I have to keep reminding myself that I have no urgent need to get pregnant right away too.  We have no fixed deadline, or really any rush, it's just strange the stwitch that seems to click on when you go from preventing to trying to conceive.

zenquaker I hope you're felling better tomorrow.  Today was DP's birthday, so totally get the stressed feeling.

As for me, it looks as though AF has arrived, so I'm looking forward to starting cycle #3 with a more relaxed attitude,  although at the moment I'm feeling a littled deflated.  Like zenquaker I had no trouble conceiving my son, and even had a pregnancy last year when we were trying not to get pregnant, which unfortunatly miscarried at 8 weeks.  Since then though, I had surgery on my cervix to remove abnormal cells, and although the doctor said everything healed well, I'm startion to worry that there might be something else going on.  It's still too early to start really worrying, so I'm going to do what I can to prepare my mind and body as well as I can, and if that doesn't work I consult a professional.  Deep breaths.

It's nice to have this space. 

[zenquaker]

maydaymom, it sounds like you are just at the beginning of your next stage in life. It would make sense for your body to still be working things out. I'm glad, though, that the stressful time is coming to a close. I wish for peace and relaxation for you. I hope it means more time for you to nourish yourself.

nattery, I LOVE your moon ceremony. Rituals really do make manifest those things that take place in the metaphysical, psychological, and spiritual realms. That's one of the ways I envisioned this conversation leading to--what rituals can we practice to support our 2ww and all that comes with it? I'm thinking that I might, the night before I expect AF, take some time to write out all that I hoped for this cycle, all I fear might happen, and send it all out into the universe. Having sort of purged myself of everything, I'll be ready for either the start of a new cycle or of a pregnancy. I wonder if I'll burn the paper, or delete the computer file. Maybe I'll say them out loud in front of a lit candle. Hmmmm. Thank you so much for the idea!

nearlyelated, isn't it frustrating to have such a good ttc history and to sit there cycle after cycle wondering what the heck is going on? As for the cervix concerns, I don't know that we can tell ourselves that it's not time to worry about something. We either worry or we don't. Can you notice the feeling and let it float away, acknowledge it and thank it for its concern each time it comes around?

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by zenquaker 

nattery, I LOVE your moon ceremony. Rituals really do make manifest those things that take place in the metaphysical, psychological, and spiritual realms. That's one of the ways I envisioned this conversation leading to--what rituals can we practice to support our 2ww and all that comes with it? I'm thinking that I might, the night before I expect AF, take some time to write out all that I hoped for this cycle, all I fear might happen, and send it all out into the universe. Having sort of purged myself of everything, I'll be ready for either the start of a new cycle or of a pregnancy. I wonder if I'll burn the paper, or delete the computer file. Maybe I'll say them out loud in front of a lit candle. Hmmmm. Thank you so much for the idea!

I like the idea of the ritual that marks the end of one thing and the beginning of something else. I could use some of that structure in my life. I've been doing some work around fears in my business and I know that they are also related to stuff in my personal life and specifically around supporting a family financially.

For the most part for me it's about focus. I've been talking to myself saying things like: "hello little egg, please know that I've created a warm and comfortable uterus for you." I find that it helps me to focus on the positive, bringing out the nurturing side in me and having a positive 2WW, rather than one filled with anxiety and stress.

I've also started thinking in more concrete terms about what I would have to change in my life when a baby decides to show up. It's been a dream for so long but I feel now that facing the realistic aspects of what it will take helps me create the space in my home and life. Being proactive in a positive way.

[zenquaker]

Yes, Dakipode, the positive. Exactly and definitely. I love you talking to your egg :)

I woke up NOT weirdly moody today. Whew! I had a few moments of chart-stalking this morning. Then all of the sudden I said, "duh! all these charts are different! The pregnant ones are all different from one another, the non-pregnants, the medicated and unmedicated!" and closed my computer. Done and done.

My meditation today, and maybe you'll laugh because this 2ww is all about blowing kisses for me (why? oh, well. It works), was that I took the possibility that I am pregnant, put it in my hand, and blew it away. I did the same for the possibility that I am not and did the same. And then, and I really hadn't expected this, I had such a sense of relief. I no longer felt the burden to react to either of those possibilities because they're just that: possibilities. Why swing back and forth between elation and despair?

Instead, I focused on a wonderful birthday lunch for hubs with my family and ice cream afterwards. And the beautiful weather. And ice cream. And an easy shift at work. And enjoying those greens from the Farmer's Market!

I have the day off tomorrow unexpectedly. Since LO loves preschool so and has missed his friends all weekend I will probably take him, then come home and either laze unrepentantly or clean. We'll see which happens!

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Nattery, I'm a teacher too! And, I totally understand the stress around the end of the school year. Actually, this year I am a paraprofessional at a school I love, but for the last six years I was a full-time teacher in schools with very high risk students. Needless to say, my stress level is way down! I also teach Drama at a small private studio and our end of semester performances are Tuesday and Wednesday. I feel very anxious for the kids and for myself, because unlike other teaching positions I've had, someone else will be evaluating the content of my work (not just teaching style and effectiveness) and how well I'm liked by my students is a big factor in how successful my boss perceives me. I'm reminding myself that I've done this a hundred times and the point is to have fun. It's been a struggle this weekend to allow myself to enjoy my family, the weather, and myself- and it's my birthday! You'd think of all days I'd give myself a break from worrying. That's a Sunday for you, I suppose

I am now thinking of some of my Qi improvements as "Adventures in Qi!" Last time on "Adventures in Qi" ClumsySugarPlum made lists of gains and drains to evaluate her overall Qi  balance. Tonight she cleans out all the shoes and bedtime reading material from under the bed and surfs the web for pictures of a Chinese Double Happiness sign to stick under her mattress. Upon further review, Clumsy decided placing "a pair of Mandarin ducks in the southwest corner" of her bedroom and decorating with red paper lanterns might be a bit distracting for her husband. Also upon further review, Clumsy decided keeping her copy of Fully Fertile in the bathroom where her husband can see it multiple times a day (not to mention guests), was not romantic and maybe slightly crass.

Cheers, all!

[zenquaker]

ClumsySugarPlum, you made me laugh right out loud, and I NEEDED that! Thank you! :) In all seriousness, I would love to hear more about these chi-increasing activities. I don't have any mandarin ducks or red lanterns but my life is almost nothing but blocked energy. I have a small container garden on my patio and plants in the living room and kitchen, and they give me energy and life and joy. I need more of that.

I'm just a couple of days away from the end of my wait. I wish I were more serene all around, but I think re-working how I handle the 2ww is going to be a process. I can say that the best thing I did for myself was invite all you wonderful, wise women into my life. Whenever I get the urge to indulge in The Crazy, I know I can come here, re-read the thread, and remember why meditation is better.

I have three plans for my day off: to clean the house, which is very very very dirty. It's barely functional. Then I am going to go hiking with one of my dogs and just be in the trees and near water. And I will slow cook a chicken in my new dutch oven and give myself and the family the gift of at least two meals for the week. Hopefully all these things will add up to a more balanced me. I'm really going to try to clean mindfully and not get into a frustrated frenzy. I need to tell myself that this is enough--I don't need to do it all, or perfectly. All I need to do is all I can do while doing it mindfully. I have to trust that having it clean will create more energy (the basement has done that for me already!)

Thank you,sisters. 

[odinsmama]

Thanks for starting this thread and also for those contributing to it. I've been reading but haven't felt like I had anything to contribute. Definitely feeling a little obsessed, even though I started the whole ttc process with the phrase "not trying to prevent".
Anyway, this morning I woke up before anyone else, which never happens because ds is apparently part rooster, and quietly left the bedroom and had some quiet time to myself and took the opportunity to pray for a while. Much needed.

Today we all get to stay home and have plans for a little bit of work around here and a little bit of laziness as well. Hoping you're all having a good Monday.

[firsttimettc]

Zenquaker....thanks for coming up with this idea.  I think this is exactly what I need for this month.  The past two weeks I've been thinking about my obessive TTCing efforts and symptoms analyzing and I was wondering how much good it was really doing me.  I took some time off of this forum (I really do love the ladies and all the support from this forum!) and there was a small part of me that didn't want to get obsessed again, and I knew if I started reading, I would get obsessed!  I enjoyed your post and I think maybe I'll only post on here (as long as I can not get CRAZY).  

I am not in the 2WW yet, but will be very soon.  I have already started thinking of ways to relax my body and mind even before stumbling upon this thread.  I think my body needs peace.  I've just graduated with master's degree (bachelor's degree one year prior) and was in school for 4 years non-stop.  It was rough and I wonder if that is part of the reason for this 5 cycle long TTC wait (other than being on BCP until April 2011 for 5 years).  

Some of my ideas for obtaining better peace and physical health include eating even more healthier than previously (I am not over-weight and I love eating healthy, but I can always improve), more exercise (other than walking, I don't do much and I really should), reading for pleasure and not textbooks, petting my animals more, meditation and prayer with music and quiet time.  Those are some ideas.....oh and also gardening.  I love to cook and over the years I have LOVED gardening tomatoes then canning and making my own tomato juice and spaghetti sauce.  I also feel that I need to be more positive.  Every month I tell myself I will not get pregnant (pretty dumb right?).  Instead of focusing on the end goal, I love your idea of enjoying the phase we are in and celebrating what our bodies are accomplishing.  

Thank you again for this thread!  I look forward to not commenting on everyone's symptoms and waiting for someone to comment on mine! haha.  Let's see if I can hold off on the craziness.  

[zenquaker]

Welcome, odinsmama! I'm glad you had time to pray this morning. I have a little rooster, too. Before FT daycare it was 5:30 a.m. Now it is more like 6:15. I wonder how in the world I produced a Morning Person. Baffling.

It looks like my 2ww is coming to a close. I have some of the signs that AF just around the corner (and not the ones that could also be pregnancy symptoms). I am sad. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I am worried that my son will never get a sibling. I am not ready to think about the blessings of another month to prepare for a possible new life--I am just sad.

One insight, though: I realized I had given myself one of those artificial deadlines. You know the ones: where you, without even realizing it, hope for a baby by Christmas, for example. This time around it was that I wanted to go on our family vacation knowing I was pregnant. It was on the same vacation last year that I conceived the baby we lost through m/c. I really wanted to arrive knowing that we had a second chance. Now it's just another reminder that it's one more year without a sibling for my son.

See how much sadder that is? Why do we do that to ourselves? There is enough sadness without the deadline.

Still, I am glad that I didn't let myself go to the dark place before I knew AF was on her way. I had a mostly wonderful (except for that weirdly awful day) 2ww and I'm so thankful that I waited for the evidence of the shuttering of a possibility for this cycle before I reacted to it. It somehow feels more right that way.

I just had to dry my tears to answer the door for the FedEx guy, and after he left, when I let the dogs back out, one of them went straight for my salad and finished it for me. GAH!

[zenquaker]

Wait! I am ready for one positive thing: I can have a beer tonight and whenever I want for the next two weeks. Yesssssssssssssssssssss

[zenquaker]

Welcome to you, too, firsttimettc! Thank you for your thoughts about creating more peace. It seems like we all know how to do it for ourselves, it's just a matter of putting it into practice. I find I have to really intend to be peaceful and care for myself, or I will end up stressing, then collapsing on the couch with a snack and the computer/TV, which is not necessarily what I need.

I think gardening is such a good thing for mental health. My mother and grandmother both have gardens (my grandmother is in her mid-80s and still does 100 tomato plants a year--you can imagine how much she has of everything else--oh, and FOUR chest freezers!). I just have a tiny container garden. But those few moments every day watering and tending to the little plants is so balancing and nourishing.

[dakipode]

zenquaker: YES, enjoy that beer, and the sushi, and the runny eggs, and the caffeine! I also read sprouts, although I'm of the opinion that only applies to store bought sprouts, I make my own, anyone think there's any harm in that?

[dakipode]

Regarding the artificial deadline: I get that too and I think I figured out that it's because I want it to mean something. Besides just having a kid, I want to be able to say "see, it was meant to be because now he/she will be born around then". As much as I'm not a superstitious person I also don't want MY conception to be a purely random event at a random time in my life, silly really, since I do believe that ultimately things are random and we're the only ones bestowing meaning upon them.

[maydaymom10]

Hello to all the fellow teachers on this thread. My last day with students in tomorrow, then graduation on Wednesday, and finally teacher check out on Thursday. It's all very final for me, as I'm leaving my teaching job to become a SAHM next year. But honestly, the cleansing and purging that I'm doing of my classroom and files right now is very therapeutic. I'm in DPO 4 and other than entering my temps and basic info in FF, I've found that I'm not obsessively stalking my chart this month. I tend to compare my current month chart to previous months -- especially the one from July 2010 when I got pregnant with ds. I'm vowing not to do that this month. 

Also, my meditation is coming in the form of exercise. It's been far too long since I've been consistently going to the gym or really doing anything that resembles as workout. I went on Saturday and again today, and I'm in a good headspace right now. Just feeling relaxed and waiting for my summer break to begin and looking forward to seeing what happens at the end of this month.

That's where I am today... hopefully I can stay there.

[zenquaker]

Maydaymom, I am glad you are having a less crazy 2ww! Exercise is so crucial. I took an hour-long hike today and it made everything else easier to handle somehow.

I was feeling pretty low with my impending AF, then got an email that I got a first-round interview for a better job than I have now. What a vote of confidence! I've been researching the company all evening because they want to talk to me in the next couple of days. I like having something immediate to focus on to keep myself from over-ruminating about not having the cycle I hoped for this month.

In keeping with the theme of this thread, I'm going to turn my attention to the menstrual phase, which I hope will be just as mindful, but I will focus particularly on comfort: keep up the nourishing foods, but let in a few richer ones, exercise with a little more vigor and passion, wrap myself up in blankets, enjoy long conversations with friends, etc.

[nearlyelated]

I did the same thing this weekend re: beer!  As for the deadlines, I totally understand. Although until now, I've always sort of hoped for an April/May/June baby, so the deadline wasn't imminent, but now I'm starting to worry that if there is something actually preventing pregnancy, that artificial deadline will come and go.  I guess now we're looking forward to a February baby, so I have some time to relax and enjoy the summer.

Other things to look forward now that AF has arrived: hot yoga, real coffee, hot tubs, all sorts of cheese....!

[newtoTTC]

I have been following along with all of you and you have been helping me be a little bit saner.  I also had an artificial deadline... they make it so hard.  Last Saturday I threw a baby shower for my best friend, who started TTC the month after I did and conceived her first month.  I really wanted to be pregnant at her shower, even if no one knew it but me.  After the shower I found myself thinking of the next goal, the next deadline... So, my steps to stay sane this 2ww are 1. no more goals.  They don't help and they only cause stress... and 2. no Fertility Friend this week.  I know how many DPO I am and when AF is likely to show up so I am temping but not going near the website.  This cycle has already been erratic and far longer than usual (late O) so I need to just relax and realize I cannot control my body, no amount of work will just make it happen.   

Thank you ladies for letting me follow along, by Monday my 2ww will be over one way or the other (I really only have a 1ww, the only blessing of a short LP!) but it is already a little more sane than the last few have been.  Good luck to all of you ending a school year, and enjoy the coffee and other wonderful post AF treats for those of you who are on to the next phase!

[zenquaker]

newtoTTC, I like your plan. I haven't figured out how to stay away from FF yet! How do you record your temps without glaring at the chart? I guess I have the iPod app so technically I COULD temp without looking at my chart. I like your idea, though. Even though AF has started for me my temps haven't dropped and even though that happens for lots of people, I allowed it to start my google train. So not helpful.

Dakipode, I know what you mean about how artificial deadlines seem to create meaning for the hoped-for event. That is so true for me. See how I wanted to be pregnant for the same trip that resulted in a pregnancy before--as if the miscarriage would just evaporate, as if it were a true do-over. It's not and it couldn't be, even if I were pregnant! I am different this year, and that's OK.

Tonight I made a very rich, comforting pasta dish and really enjoyed it. Wished I had some red wine, though! I like the thought of AF time being treat time. Why not? If I can't have a baby this month I'd like some raw fish and soft cheese, please :)

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by zenquaker  I like the thought of AF time being treat time. Why not? If I can't have a baby this month I'd like some raw fish and soft cheese, please :)

YES! Sign me up. I'm feeling like AF is on the way and I'm looking forward to a mocha, a venti with tons of sugar and calories!

I also looked into the sprout thing a little more and apparently it's better safe than sorry, the bacteria can be in the seed so it doesn't make a difference whether they're store bought or homegrown...

[zenquaker]

My new project is to eat or drink one thing every day of AF that I can't during my LP!

How is everyone else doing? What stage are you in and how are your coping strategies working (or not)? Any insights to share?