A Sane 2ww - Page 4

[newtoTTC]

I am out of the 2ww, AF arrived yesterday.  Luckily I had a weekend full of friends and activity to distract me (even if it did involve a significant number of children and pregnant women!).   I love the ideas you have all had, I celebrated with a piece of cake (small but delicious) and a day of enjoying being with my husband, just the two of us.  I love the idea of care packages ZenQuaker I just didnt have time to put any together in time.  WritingLove I love your comment about having compassion for your obsessiveness.  TTC is a huge thing, especially when it is difficult, and you cant expect to feel completely in control and relaxed about it.  The fact that it means so much to you is a good thing.  We are all here in this place because we badly want a child, and that is not a bad thing.  I think letting yourself have time to process each phase and obsess at times is healthy.  I am going on cycle 10 of TTC and I am coming to realize that even though TTC is a huge part of our lives right now, I can't let it consume it.  That said, when AF showed up like she always does I let myself have a good cry and be sad for what I want and don't have and I felt so much better than when I try to hold it together.  

I am working on getting healthier right now, for myself and for TTC, so I have started setting attainable goals.  I have been setting 2 sets of goals when I find myself setting those artificial deadlines, which I can't seem to help but do.  We have a big family gathering coming up in July and I really want to be pregnant by then.  Instead, I am telling myself either I will be pregnant by then OR I will have reached my next weight loss goal and I will look fantastic when we are out on the lake.  I am finding the OR goal is really helping keep me a little calmer and less obsessed than I have been, because at some point there is nothing else I can do to reach our goal of TTC, but there are other goals out there that I can reach.  I feel much more in control of my life (and my sanity!) when I keep the goals for the rest of my life in mind. 

[zenquaker]

New2ttc, I love your idea of having a companion goal. I need to get healthier,too, and I'd like to focus some of my energies in that direction. Personally I'd like to get my waist/hip ratio back in a safe range. I need to be eating more thoughtfully and moving more.

[maydaymom10]

newtoTTC & zenquaker - I'm on board with you guys. I've already been planning on doing this (focusing on a healthier me), but have failed miserably this month. I mean, really bad. I have to admit that I've hit rock-bottom health-wise for me in that I am the unhealthiest I've ever been. Pretty sad for someone who can be considered a "fitness & health professional" in some regards. It looks like AF is going to show either tonight or tomorrow. I've had low temps, AF-like cramping, and some spotting today. I just feel like poo! Sorry for the negativity. I've been an emotional wreck all day. I guess it's good that AF shows her head -- I think I need a do-over on the month.

Hoping the day is bringing more happiness to the rest of you. I promise to be back to my smiling self tomorrow. 

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Hang in there, Maydaymom10! If it makes you feel any better, I just ate a piece of chocolate and a big slab of chocolate cake. I also had a big chocolate chip cookie as soon as I got to work this morning, and the day's not over yet. I will most likely use the excuse that our lawn has just been treated as a reason to vegetate with ds and not play outside this afternoon. Even if I am pregnant, there is no way I should be feeling symptoms yet. But, I'm still going to use very early pregnancy as an excuse for my sweet tooth and general laziness!

Take care of yourself. Sounds like, you're ready to try again, and AF does give us a very clear beginning point to make the changes we want. 

[ClumsySugarPlum]

PS - followed up the cake with a giant piece of bread. :)

[zenquaker]

Clumsy, I'm sure I read that in general caloric intake tends to be greater during the luteal phase, but that energy expenditure is also greater. It's the progesterone, baby.

maydaymom, no need to be any kind of self except the one you are at the moment when you are here! I'm sorry AF is showing. I had a bad couple of the days at the beginning of AF this month, too, and yes, I cried bitter tears. I think mourning is an important part of our cycle when we're ttc. 

I did two things for my body today: I used water bottles and a can of peaches to do a little strength training during downtime at work (client was watching the Cubs game) and some yoga. Then tonight I mowed with our reel mower. Now THAT is a workout! Tonight we're having salmon burgers and cabbage. I looooooooove cabbage.

[maydaymom10]

ClumsySugarPlum - thanks for the smiles. I could use all of those treats right now   I think I'll have to settle for some ice cream since my husband denied my suggestion to make and eat and entire box of cakes. I also have some really yummy wine that I'd love to have a glass of, but AF hasn't moved in enough for me to be confident that I'm in the clear. I still have some spotting & cramping, and I know it's inevitable. But... what if?? I'm sure the wine will be gone by tomorrow evening.

On a more positive note, I WILL get to the gym tomorrow or do some kind of home work out. That is a must. DS has an appointment at the ENT tomorrow morning, but that workout will get in either before or after. Hopefully my mood changes for the better as well. My dh has been keeping his distance all day. I finally snapped a bit while we were out doing errands, but I've apologized and am feeling better. The plus of it all... he's taking me out to dinner tomorrow night. Score!

[maydaymom10]

Well, move my back to waiting to O -- the dreaded AF has officially arrived. But, this glass of chocovine (chocolate & wine mix thing) is tasting very good.

[dakipode]

maydaymom10, I hope your glass of wine was heavenly!

I've deliberately stayed away from the MDC board for a couple of days because I felt like I needed a literal break.

newtoTTC, I like your idea of a companion goal but my approach to goals has been unhealthy. I think I get so obsessed with reaching that goal, no matter what, at any cost, that inevitably it ends up being a very intense and frustrating experience.

I sort of had this going on the past two cycles where my other goal was getting fitter. Well, I'm aware that strenuous exercise can be counterproductive to TTC but I figured if I can't have a baby I want to at least be happier with how I look... I don't think my exercise schedule is all that strenuous but I've decided to monitor it more carefully this cycle and maybe cut back a bit. This past week I've had compliments from two complete strangers on my looks and I realize I must be judging myself too harshly and achieving 15% body fat is not the goal to have while TTC...

I've been feeling strangely zen the last couple of days and I credit you, zenquaker, for having started this thread. The charting helps too since I now know not to expect O until at least three weeks from now, so no need to frantically BD before that...

BTW, Clumsy, I always stuff myself in the week leading up to AF. It's like my body knows we're about to lose precious resources so better stock up! But yes, I totally agree that possible early pregnancy is a very good excuse to do or not do things. Speaking of which, I must go clean out the cat litter now.

Have a great day, everyone!

[writinglove]

Hi all, thanks for the love. I'll be back with personals later, but I wanted to tell you a little bit about the progress I have made. I'm learning to frame the 2ww as me time. When I start to obsess about symptoms, cervix position, CM, etc., I remind myself that this is the time for me to concentrate on nurturing me. Yesterday I bought a couple of books I have been waiting to read, and last night I dove into one of them with gusto. It felt so good to treat myself.

Thanks again for creating this space.

[zenquaker]

dakipode, I totally get the going overboard with goals thing. I have done that in the past with fitness, and all it gets me is TIRED of fitness and I get sick of it. I need to learn moderation. Then I go the other way and end up where I am, which is 65 pounds overweight, with an obese BMI rating and a body I can't seem to dress. I was always a reasonable size (for me) until about two-three years ago and a whole bunch of mitigating factors came into play. Anyway, I would like to move back toward a healthier (in terms of food and exercise) lifestyle without obsessing. Easier said than done!

writinglove, a book is a GREAT distraction. "There is no frigate like a book/ to take us lands away/ Nor any courser like a page/ of prancing poetry." Reading to me is a deeply engrossing and engaging experience. The hours fly by . . .

[dakipode]

I know there is a book thread but I was just wondering if anyone had read anything good lately? I just finished Winter's Tale yesterday by Mark Helprin and found it both frustrating and intriguing. In the end it wasn't the epic love story I thought it would be (from reading the jacket...)

I can get so caught up in a book, once I sink my teeth into it I devour it in a matter of hours. But I know that it's also an escape mechanism for me, when I don't want to face reality. It's really not very zen.

I'm looking for ways to stay present in my life and face what is here now, what needs to be dealt with now. In an organization thread someone posted about a kanban and I have a mental one going on, thinking I might make a physical one today. I also ordered some more "supplies" from Amazon yesterday in preparation for O

Have a great day everyone!

[SophieAnn]

dakipode:   I can't recommend a good romance for you, but I would highly recommend Goodreads.com.  You can check out book reviews to find a good romance to read.  Or, if you join you can rate a bunch of books you've read and add them to your "bookshelf" and then Goodreads will recommend books to you.  I joined a couple months ago and love it!

Edited to add:  Actually, I did read The Rose Trilogy by Beverly Lewis awhile back and it was a lovely true romance - it's an Amish/Christian romance though... so if that's not something you'd enjoy then disregard.  In the same genre of Christian romance I've heard great things about Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers (but haven't read it myself).

AFM, count me in on the sane 2ww!  What a great idea.  I have been reading this thread and have really appreciated it.  I'm 5dpo now, and doing my best to just enjoy myself.  I remind myself daily (sometimes multiple times a day) that at this point what is done is done.  We did our best, our timing was great and now is the time to just let it be.  There's basically nothing I can do now to change the result.  I am trying to eat well, drink lots of water and take time each day to relax - reading and gardening a little each day.

Thanks to whoever linked calm.com earlier in the thread - it's a great site!

[newtoTTC]

Dakipode,  I love the book Love walked in and the sequel Belong to Me, by Marisa de los Santos.  Both are romance and as my friend says "a chick flick in a book" but they are really well written and a nice light but entertaining distraction kind of book.  

I am just finishing up AF and trying to get myself back on track with healthy eating and focusing without focusing too much.  good luck to those of you still in the 2ww!  I love the ideas and the general calmness of this thread, it really does keep things on a little more even keel.

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Anyone want to cheer me up? I'm having a rather poopy day. Today was my last day working at a school I love because the position I was hired for was only budgeted for one year. I received nice compliments from my principal and colleagues throughout the semester, but just observed today that they hired two other paras for positions for next year. There is one more similar position available and the principal and I have discussed adding some sort of drama program next year, but nothing has ever been finalized and I'm feeling pretty discouraged. Like the kid who's always picked last for teams. Really feeling low, and to top it off, there is this sinking feeling that if we haven't managed to get pregnant I will have failed on a completely other level. I know this is supposed to be a place for sanity, but I really wish it was a week from now. I could test and maybe have something to be happy about. Or have a couple glasses of wine in case of a bfn. Dh is leaving me alone, per my request, so I can try to get out of this funk. So far my cure for this funk is cheese and pepperoni. I'm planning on following up with chocolate cake, hot bath, a book and maybe a movie.

Blahhh.

[zenquaker]

ClumsySugarPlum, I think feeling discouraged when you get disappointing news is a sane reaction! I meant this place to be free of chart-stalking and symptom-spotting, not of ignoring our very real feelings throughout our cycle. So your feelings are of course welcome and I hope we can comfort and support you. I too have been having career-related angst, and it is so hard to feel like a failure even though there are a million factors involved in why I have a doctoral degree but am working an entry-level job in an unrelated field for an hourly wage. Part of that is my failure to do a couple of things better than I did them, but it is also the economy, the changing face of academia, and my choice to only do a local job search. My husband has his dream job and my son is about to start kindergarten. I have a wonderful friend who taught me through repeated example that when we are looking at what's ahead (or THINK is ahead), the most level-headed way to think about it is to see a field of possibilities: these things might happen, or not, or these other things may happen, or not, and lots of things we can not now envision will happen. There is a small chance that things will be utterly horrible, a small chance that everything will be wonderful and what we always dreamed of, and a large chance that it will fall somewhere in between. The inbetween reality will contain things that are hard to take, things that are breathtakingly wonderful, and a whole lot of ho-hum regular living. All we can do is make the best decisions we can with the information we have. It helps me sometimes to make lists of the pros and cons of a certain outcome while I am waiting, so that I can see that most outcomes are mixed ones and that usually there are some interestingly positive things (and I get really concrete) about outcomes we don't think we want. Anyway, the concept of an open field of possibilities really helps ground me. I don't know if that will help you, but I'll put it out there anyway! I am really sorry you are going through this, and I hope this set of circumstances will open up some great things in the future. It's hard to wait, though, and I really feel for you. ((((((())))))))

SophieAnn, welcome! We're glad you're here :) Yes, let it be. That needs to be my mantra during my upcoming 2ww.

dakipode, oo la la! Have fun this week!

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Zenquaker, thank you. Your advice about making a pros and cons list is very wise. I think I will do that. Your compassionate words were exactly what I needed hear. And thank you also for sharing about your career angst. Today I got a compliment about my fast typing from a teacher who I assist, and inside, I was like, "Um, yeah... must have been all that practice during my seven years of college..." Luckily, I bit my tongue. I'm sure she was just trying to be nice.

Thank you for being nice too!

[maydaymom10]

Originally Posted by ClumsySugarPlum 

Anyone want to cheer me up? I'm having a rather poopy day. Today was my last day working at a school I love because the position I was hired for was only budgeted for one year. I received nice compliments from my principal and colleagues throughout the semester, but just observed today that they hired two other paras for positions for next year. There is one more similar position available and the principal and I have discussed adding some sort of drama program next year, but nothing has ever been finalized and I'm feeling pretty discouraged. Like the kid who's always picked last for teams. Really feeling low, and to top it off, there is this sinking feeling that if we haven't managed to get pregnant I will have failed on a completely other level. I know this is supposed to be a place for sanity, but I really wish it was a week from now. I could test and maybe have something to be happy about. Or have a couple glasses of wine in case of a bfn. Dh is leaving me alone, per my request, so I can try to get out of this funk. So far my cure for this funk is cheese and pepperoni. I'm planning on following up with chocolate cake, hot bath, a book and maybe a movie.

Blahhh.

Wish we lived near each other to cheer each other up. I'm sorry to hear about your teaching position. I just left my teaching positon as well. Although it was a voluntary resignation, that decision was made after being put into one of the worst positions in the school. I had been there for 6 years, working both as a teacher and their athletic training. I started in English and PE (teaching sports med). After 2 years I was only in the PE department. Two years ago I stepped down to an assistant athletic trainer position to allow for more time with my son (that position requires a lot of late night). They then cut me to less than part-time teaching. Last year I resigned from the athletic training position completely. I was able to teach full-time, but they took away the sports medicine class that I had developed and moved me to a position teaching Earth Science to to remedial gen ed students and then self-contained Special Ed. The Special Ed assignment came with a lot of paperwork, which left me at school (once again) rather than at home in the afternoons with my son. Next year I was slated to teach all SPED and also have another class to teach that I am not confident in teacher. To make things work, I had applied for a position in the English department last year (where I used to work), only to be passed over so they could hire two candidates from out of district. I was pretty negative. With a heavy heart I decided to resign for now and see what I want to do after a year or so. 

Sorry for my vent. My point is that I'm really trying to look at this break as a positive things, even though it's difficult. I get to stay home with ds & when I get the bfp, then it will be nice to be pregnant and have the option of staying home on the bad days, rather than pulling myself into work. I'm trying to keep myself busy and get out of the house. I was in a really bad place earlier this week. DH knew to leave me alone and I sulked & read most of the day. I'm doing better now, but it's still a day-by-day process. As silly as it seems, ds is going to his last week of day care next week. During which time I plan on having a lot of "me" days and to get ready for my new position as a SAHM. The teaching will be there if/when I decide to go back. I'm sure you will have that option as well. The budgets in most districts stinks right now and good people are losing jobs in lieu of cheaper options. Personally, I'd rather go back when the environment is a little more positive. Hang in there. Eat your pizza & cakes and have a glass of wine (one glass will be OK). Sending happy and positive vibes your way  

[writinglove]

I'm seeing a common theme today. It is such a challenge to TTC and have satisfying work. I don't have any answers for how to find the proverbial Zen while nurturing all parts of our lives, but I do know how grateful I am to have the company of you all on this journey. As the media tries to pit attachment mamas against working mamas (what an artificial construct), I want to use my (our) energy to integrate all sides of myself on this journey. I am mama and I am a writer. I am mama and I am a gardener. I am mama and I am an intellectual. I am mama and I am a student of spirituality.

How are you nurturing all sides of yourself during the 2WW? During the whole conception process? What are you conceiving?


Dakipode, may I suggest The Game of Thrones? I am really enjoying it, and it is still fantastic even if you have seen the HBO series.
Edited by writinglove - 6/1/12 at 10:16am

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Thanks, Maydaymom10- and everyone- for listening. Feeling lots better today. 

I read an interesting article on the mothering website about intuition. I think it relates to what writinglove wrote about integrating all aspects of ourselves into the conception process. I don't know how intuitive I am... I have certainly had moments of deja vu, but nothing that I feel really informed me... I do think of myself as an introvert, so perhaps this unwelcome down time will allow me more opportunities to use the part of my brain that is not hardwired into following and giving directions, sequencing events, etc. And perhaps, this will lead to seeing opportunities that were invisible to me before.

So sleepy. Goodnight, all.