DH having second thoughts about the pregnancy « Back to Group Discussions

[mamatosaskia]

Hi,

As I mentioned in my introductory post, this baby was totally not planned. Well, I guess you could argue that we had sex, so there was always a possibility, right? Anyway, we have two kids, and dh has always said that is all he wants. I was in agreement, until I found out I was pg, which kind of changes the conversation in my mind. He hasn't warmed to the idea of number three and has recently started talking about the possibility of terminating.

I am curious, for those of you who have had surprises in the past, was your dh hesitant at first? Did he come around? I feel like I am in unchartered territory here. I am warming up to the idea of three kids, so this conversation this morning threw me for a loop. I am pretty upset with him, both for his reaction AND for not getting a vasectomy years ago, if he was going to feel so strongly about this.

Please, no judgment, I just want to hear your experiences.

JJ

[esp831]

Oh mama, I'm sorry.  My first was a surprise, and my partner (at the time), also had some doubts and stress and a similar conversation took place.  For him, it was honestly just worry and stress talking in a moment of utter human weakness.  The time passed and as he got used to the idea, he came to his senses.  Although I was also downright angry at the time, I stuck to my guns and weathered the storm as peacefully as I could.  14 years later we share a wonderful daughter.  Although he and I are no longer together, I do know that he feels so terrible about those thoughts that we never discussed it from about 12 weeks on.  I don't know your DH of course, but my best interpretation of his words are that he is very worried about how to provide for another child, not whether or not he actually wants one.  I'm sure he will love this one with all of his heart.

[kawa kamuri]

Gross. If he didn't want more he should have gotten a vasectomy or, at the very least, worn a condom. After you made that baby his job is to support you. Of course it can and most likely will turn around, but that doesn't excuse his lack of tact.   

[revolting]

I haven't had that experience. I don't know what to say, other than that sucks, mama.

[lilbsmama]

My husband was not interested in having anymore babies after my bout with PPD with the last baby, but we did nothing about it, No bc, condoms, vasec., etc. I knew it was going to happen at some point, and I think he did, too. We never have considered terminating, and I would be highly pissed at my husband if he mentioned it, because we are responsible adults. I am sorry for what you are going through, mama, but if this is something you are not at ALL interested in, please make it known to your husband so he can begin processing now. It may also be helpful to talk to a professional. (HUGS)

[kel]

I think it's easy to feel overwhelmed by another pregnancy, especially if they are close together or if there are financial issues.  If you were doing your best to practice preventive sex, then his uncertainty could be understandable.  But there's always the chance of pregnancy, and like you said, he could have had a vasectomy if he (you both) wanted to be sure, or you could have agreed on some other type of very reliable birth control.  But it's just one of those things that people may talk about, and not get around to doing... 

I've definitely experienced some negative responses in the past - usually due to stressful circumstances at the time, or pregnancies close together, and/or often related to finances.  I think that it's pretty normal to have moments of - should we really do this? (Especially if both of you had decided you only wanted the two.)  In my experience, the feelings of my partner didn't last for very long and of course he would regret not having had his kids.  Just like esp831 said. 

I do agree with lilbsmama, too, though.  If you want to continue this pregnancy, you need to make it clear to him that termination isn't an option for you - and maybe now is a good time to settle on how to prevent future pregnancies.  I don't know your situation or your dh obviously, but he might just be freaking out and overwhelmed and need a little time.  It's natural for you to feel upset or angry with him, and it's hard on you, but you should try to focus on taking care of yourself and the baby and hopefully he'll come round. 

xox

[JudiAU]

I am sorry you guys are having a time. DH is not really thrilled about this pregnancy either but has accepted it because he knows I really wanted another. But again, not thrilled.

I do have a dear friend last year who terminated a unexpected pregnancy many years after she and her DH were done. They had their kids young and this baby showed up eight years after the last. THey made the decision "together" but her DH pushed pretty hard.  And then was  "unavailable" when the time came. What a rat. I went with her. She found one of the groups on babycenter, one with some older moms who terminated to be helpful.

[zebrachick83]

My husband isn't thrilled about us having another baby (neither was I, honestly) but he would NEVER ask me to consider terminating the pregnancy. He even felt responsible for it because we didn't use a condom and is now willing to consider a vasectomy, which he wasn't before. I can't imagine being encouraged to end a pregnancy by my spouse. That would make me livid. But like PPs have said, he may just be freaking out a bit right now. Give it time and focus on you and your little bean. You'll need that connection even more if he doesn't adjust after the birth. 

Big squishy hugs. 

[Mamabeakley]

It might also be worth thinking about (if you know) his family's reproductive history and what you know about why he only wanted 2.  My DH has been stressed and I think it's partly about the pregnancy, although I have been too and heaven knows we have stuff to be stressed about.  And he does want 4 kids, as do I.  But I realized, when I thought about it, that his mom miscarried her 4th pregnancy - at 20 weeks, and he was old enough to be aware of what was happening, and from what she tells me, it sounds like it was a pretty dramatic event in their lives, emotionally.  So I feel like he may be unconsciously thinking 'what if, what if' about this pregnancy.  Not logical, not predictive, but emotionally understandable.  Recognizing that possibility (we've been together a long time and I know that trying to get him to talk about it wouldn't get me anywhere, so I've not asked him about it) helped me back off a bit and let go of wanting him to make up for my stress and lack of excitement.

I hope you guys are able to work things out in a positive way for both of you.  Sometimes one person or the other has to set a strong boundary about something in a marriage, and that can be scary andnot fun.

[Jackies]

I had a friend a few years back who's partner was having some issues with their pregnancy. He came around, but she said an older woman told her women bond with the baby when they're pregnant, but men bond when they see the baby for the first time. As a feminist I think most differences between men and women are overstated, but this one seems to have some truth.

So it's very possible he'll get over it and finally get that vasectomy. It would be good to get it now so it will be effective in the future (I saw in Cheaper by the Dozen it doesn't work the first few times).

[darkblue0729]

I haven't personally had this experience, and I wish I had something really sage to say. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are dealing with this-people deal with stress, unexpected events, etc., differently. I feel like for you as a mother, because the baby is literally inside of you there is a different connection and your partner doesn't get to have that connection and therfore is only able to focus on the things about this pregnancy that are stressing him out. I hope/pray that he is able to find peace with the pregnancy and offer you the support you need...I agree with PPs, that if termination is not something you are considering, it may be best to explain that so you aren't caused undue anguish having to pretend to entertain it and he doesn't get some idea that he can convince you to do it. I will be sending you crazy positive vibes mama!

[sunseeker]

Oh man, it sucks, doesn't it? Like some of you, our recent surprise pregnancy did not thrill either of us. We were not sure what to do, and definitely considered all options. No judgement here, for you or your husband. It's just such a kink in your plans, and having another child is a big deal. I can relate. I have no advice, just know that there are others in the same boat, still working on warming up to the idea of a third child when that wasn't the plan. My husband and I are both starting to feel excited about this new baby and planning for it's arrival, but we definitely have moments of worry and panic about what's coming! There will be a vasectomy in 2013, no doubt.

[kawa kamuri]

I fully agree that there's likely some valid emotion going on with your SO and that men are often not bonded to baby until birth. Heck, many women are not bonded until birth or beyond! I also support you talking it out, not discounting his feelings but being firm about termination not being a "solution" you'll accept. I assume he's not a monster  , will eventually pull his head out of his butt, give you the support you need and fall madly in love with this baby. And get a vasectomy . In the meantime feel free to vent and come here for the support and joy you're needing. 

[HarperRose]

He needs to get over himself. He helped make this baby. He knew the consequences of unprotected sex. 

I'm sorry, mama. I hope things smooth out very soon. 

[mamatosaskia]

Thanks ladies. I appreciate the support. No, dh isnt a monster, he is a loving hubby and father.
This just freaks him out. He finally told a friend of his about the
pregnancy, and I think that helped. We need to talk more this weekend.

JJ

[zebrachick83]

Yep, guys really need to talk out their feelings but they fight it tooth and nail for some reason.  Glad things are looking up for you two. 

[darkblue0729]

Originally Posted by mamatosaskia 

Thanks ladies. I appreciate the support. No, dh isnt a monster, he is a loving hubby and father.
This just freaks him out. He finally told a friend of his about the
pregnancy, and I think that helped. We need to talk more this weekend.
JJ

Glad to hear it mama! Hope you guys have a great weekend!

[heyitskalista]

I'm glad to hear he was able to talk to a friend! 

I do think that men deal with pregnancies different than women.  Like someone said before, for women, the baby is inside us...its just different!  My husband feels very responsible for providing for our family and I think sometimes the weight of that responsibility can wear him down.  I wonder if your DH's suggestion is just coming out of fear.  Since you weren't planning on another, I'm sure he's reeling, trying to figure out how to handle it all.  

I hope and pray that you guys are able to come to a place of peace, for both of you! 

(((hugs)))

[ImperfectBird]

I had this exact situation with our second child.  For us, we weren't in the best place in our relationship (in fact, I'm 95% sure we had  a HUGE fight the night we conceived DS #2...it was makeup sex, but probably not the most loving it could have been!)  When I found out I was pregnant my DH got really upset.  Our 1st son was a wonderful baby, he was 2.5 yrs old and we'd had a pretty good time being parents...so it totally threw me for a loop for him to be so upset about another baby!  He was determined to terminate the pregnancy.  I was adamant against terminating.  It went so far as me "giving in" and we went for an appt. at Planned Parenthood to "discuss options".  I spoke to the counselor privately first and I told her flat out that I had absolutely no intentions of terminating the pregnancy, but I was also worried about losing my husband over this (it was THAT bad of a situation..he was being completely irrational).  She was fabulous and when DH came in we all chatted about his concerns and my concerns and she helped us sort through all of our feelings.  After he got all of his feelings off his chest, he realized he had been ridiculous and he was just as responsible for the pregnancy as I was and we decided to continue with the pregnancy. 

Unfortunately, the rest of the pregnancy was kind of tainted by that whole experience and it was a very sad time for a few months.  We ended up in counseling again, and by around month 7-7.5 he started REALLY coming around finally.  I leaned heavily on my midwives for support and our counselor as well (she specialized in issues around pregnancy/birth, so was perfect for our situation). 

At the end of the day, he was my sole support besides the midwives during my labor and birth.  He was incredibly loving and caught the baby in his own hands.  And can I just say, DS #2 is HIS baby now   They are SO SO close and just have this incredible relationship.  DS #2 had the worst colic ever and DH would spend hours every night holding him and loving on him, and DH would literally get tears in eyes and told me over and over and OVER again how sorry he was that he ever thought of giving up on that little guy.  It was, and continues to be, a very redemptive experience for all of us.  We have a much stronger marriage now and I really think it has a lot to do with us going through that trying time and working together to get through it.  

I'm sorry that was so long, but I just wanted to share my experience and hopefully give you some hope!  I would say, as hard as it is right now, try not to harden yourself against what he's saying.  *Definitely* stick to your guns if you don't want to terminate, but be willing to hear him out and let all the bad feelings be aired out.  Find a 3rd party to speak to, whether its a counselor/religious person/whatever, who can moderate your discussions and help give another perspective.  I think he'll come around, especially if he is normally a loving father.  That was the thing with my DH, he's an excellent father and ADORES children...heck, we even decided to go for #3!   Let me know if you ever want to chat more about this!

[LittleGriff]

Looks like you've already gotten lots of good feedback. I just want to mention that we are on #3 and DH has never been happy about any of the pregnancies. (Two planned, middle one a surprise.) But, as you described your own dh, my dh is a fantastic husband and father. I was really bummed about it the first time round because I wanted him to be happy for me and I was stressed enough myself and wanted reassurance. But I've come to realize it's just the way he reacts to this big uncertain event. He worries a lot about my well-being and whether the baby will be ok and how much work parenting a newborn will be. But he's never shirked his responsibilities.

I guess I'm just trying to say that this sounds normal and human to me. Give him as much love and reassurance as you can afford and let him know you need the same from him. Making babies is big stuff. We all handle it differently. Honestly, even though I wanted this baby desperately, I feel really uncertain and awful about it much of the time myself. So I empathize with your husband. I think it's important for both you and your DH to be able to be really honest with one another about how you're feeling and why. What matters are that his actions are sound and good - musing about termination is just that. I'd let him get that out.