hate nursing but feeling guilty

[neonalee]

Hi mamas, this might be all over the place, but I'm trying to get it all out while DS is napping.  I can't post from my phone for some reason.  Expat, I saw your thread and will go back and read it.  Also so the mention of taking primrose oil.

Here it is.  I don't like nursing.  There were moments where I found it ... not enjoyable in itself, but watching my LO nurse was nice.  After a year old seeing his excitement when it was time to nurse to sleep often brought a smile to my face.  But I never got that love of nursing, although I support it 100%.  I even loaned my pump to a new mom at work because she was having trouble and worried (the different pump helped yay!)  Anyway, as he got older no matter what I did I couldn't get him to latch well consistently.  So it usually hurt at first then was just uncomfortable.  Add to that his wandering hands.  It drives me nuts.  Maybe I'm "touched out", maybe I have touching issues, I dont' know but I can't stand it.  Along with that comes his habit of picking at anything not smooth on my arms (moles).  Which kinda hurts.  That speaks to me of a type of OCD that I have and brings about a whole other sense of worry.

So, I stopped pumping awhile ago, maybe January?  And we night weaned soon after that.  It wasn't too difficult and it helped my peace of mind tremendously.  We were only nursing to sleep and around 5 am.  Plus naps on weekends.  Naps were dropped, then the 5 am feeding, so it was only to sleep.  None of this seemed to cause much distress.  I think it was a week and a half ago now when he was just being miserable all evening (I work full time) and we got into bed (still co-sleeping) and he was just throwing the biggest tantrum all over the bed. (of course he woke while I was writing this.  Thank gods for back wrapping!)  Then he fell asleep, without nursing.  The second night I had my eyes closed and I felt a movement like maybe he had made the sign for eat, but then he snuggled up and again, no nursing.  The third night he asked, I said not tonight and he "cried" for about 2 seconds and again just snuggled up.  We haven't nursed since. 

I feel guilty.  Sigh.  Shouldn't I celebrate the fact that we nursed until he was 21 months?  I'm so conflicted.  Would love to hear any opinions/advice.

[Rrrrrachel]

Hurrah on breastfeeding for so long!! What an awesome job you did, and it sounds like you're doing a great job weaning while still meeting his needs for comfort and mama snuggles. Good for you and well done!

[MrsKoehn]

Sounds like a very unselfish journey for you! You stuck it out, even though you didn't "feel it". Way to go, I would celebrate! :)
 

[neonalee]

Aw thanks mamas! I keep questioning myself. Should I start again while I still can? Prob not, but still....

Sent from my phone using Tapatalk, please ignore typos!

[neonalee]

Oh yay! I can reply from phone again!

Sent from my phone using Tapatalk, please ignore typos!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Sounds pretty darn good to me! 

[neonalee]

Just a quick update. We are fully weaned. I have a spot of sadness occasionally when I hear cute nursing stories but then remind myself it wasn't like that for us often.

On the plus side, DS likes to cuddle! And even bigger plus, he's really growing attached to daddy. Now daddy can feel my "pain" when DS gets upswt cuz he left the room lol


So, overall this is a positive:)

Sent from my phone using Tapatalk, please ignore typos!

[MichelleZB]

It looks like you did fine, and nursed until the two of you felt it was time to stop. Congrats on a job well done!

[JudiAU]

I think you did a great job.

[expat-mama]

Hey Neona- don't feel guilty! In the non-MDC world 21 months is unbelievable, phenomenal, fantastic! And that's a big wide world out there! And in here it's pretty damn great too, so you should feel great that you gave your son that gift.

We are down to 2 nursings (sometimes 1 if DS falls asleep in the car for nap time). And I sooo wish I were in your shoes right now. Our weaning process has been long, sleepless, and awful and I'm ready ready ready to be done like you and not look back. My DS has been "nightweaning" for months and months. Yep. I haven't nursed him at night unless he was sick in a really really long time- but he still wakes up and screams for it. Every. Night. Unless he falls asleep in the car, he won't nap during the day without it. Or I face screaming and crying. We haven't even approached how we'll do bedtime. 

So yes. Please be happy of what you've accomplished and thankful that it was so easy! And be joyful of where you and your DS are at in your relationship- I'm totally envious! You've done great.

[SweetSilver]

Don't beat yourself up too much.  I disliked nursing, both kids.  I did it, I liked that I was doing it, I wasn't pushy about weaning, I went with the flow of things, listened for readiness, but I wouldn't say weaning was perfectly "child led".  No, if I saw an opening to painlessly drop a nursing, it was gone.  The act of nursing was enervating, not relaxing in the least.  And as much as it would have helped me get some sleep, falling to sleep nursing was never even remotely possible.  My legs would get restless, my brain was bursting with nerve-overload.  It was not unbearable, but just not the pleasant, sweet experience many moms have.  If my best friend didn't have exactly the same experience, I would have thought something was wrong.

My oldest, with allergies and only nursing during sleep, stopped nursing at 14 months, and never knew what hit her.  I was exhausted being pregnant and nursing.  Though that was a bit early, I found out later she had been reacting to allergens in my breastmilk from my diet.  DD2 nursed until about, oh, 28 months?   That's about when I had started working some days, and nursing was her way of welcoming me home.  

[Emaye]

Oh you should definitely celebrate that you and your child hang on for as long as you did. 21 months is great!  Yay for both of you.   You should feel no guilt at all!

[erinbethp]

I nursed my DS for about the same amount of time, and weaned him when I was a few months pregnant with my second.  I can relate to how much the picking drives you nuts... he would dig his nails in me and also pull on my collar bone, and push with his legs against the arm of the chair which annoyed the heck out of me.  Nursing a toddler can be really hard.  Anyway, I weaned him and he accepted it so easily, very similar to your story, and while sometimes I miss how easy it was to distract him from a tantrum with a little nursing, or wind him down for bed, I know he was ready.  All kids are different, and I think some are genuinely ready around 21 months.  That doesn't make you any less of a mother than the mom that keeps going until 4 years.  It's all about listening to what your child needs and also what you need to be a good mom.
 

[erigeron]

If you're happy and he's happy, then that's what really matters. Sounds to me like you guys did great.